And I thought Jaws 4 was the worst shark movie ever. At least that dreck had Michael Caine in it.
But noooo... TBS has to make it's own contribution to the shark attack genre. And I swear to God, if any movie needed to be MSTed, it would be Red Water. There is absolutely nothing salvagable in this movie. Worst no-name actors who couldn't deliver a line properly if their lives depended on it. The soundtrack is full of horrible '80s music that no-one has heard of, probably because it's the only music they could afford the rights to. Probably the producers spent all their budget money snorting crack off of public urinals. And talk about inappropriate. This hick fisherman just gets off his boat and sees his best girlie or whatever walk up the dock to him. And this classical music with soft French lyrics starts playing, like they're in some palace ballroom dancing and not on a boat and covered in fishguts.
And the dialogue would make baby Jesus weep. For some reason, there's some convoluted plot that has some down-to-Earth Cajun and Texan catfish-fishers, hot hippie ecologist chicks, and black gangsters complete with huge gold jewelery, all ending up at the same Lousiana river. So the horrible stereotypical dialogue just chokes the entire movie. You can tell the actors are thinking, "Why do I deserve to be in this TV movie. At least Jaws 4 had Michael Caine. Who am I co-starring with? The principal from Saved By the Bell."
The gangsters and drug-dealers have it the worst though.
"I want you to bust a tack in that guy's ass." (Yeah, it said tack. Note: Switching nouns around does not make it wittier.) "I hate that double-crossing blood clot." "So Jerry, you wouldn't be honking our geese, would you?" "Hey, send me home to mama, bitch." "I had a band." "What'd you call it? Jerry and the Idiots?" "You aint't no shark. I'm the shark. That's why I got da money!"
And the plot is not better. There are huge half hour stretches of the movie, where the shark isn't even mentioned. In Jaws, the shark is MIA for most of the movie, but the people are always talking about or trying to fix the whole problem of the shark. "Red Water" should have been named "Here's A Movie with Eco-Cows in Tight Shirts Who Get In Gun Fights With The Gangsters Who Are Hunting For Hidden Drug Money And the Shark Has The Best Agent Out of All of Them Because He Spends Most of the Movie Off-Screen Snorting Cocaine off the Back of A Public Urinal With the Producers."
There's a nice scene where Eco-Cow leader and her cronies get kidnapped by the gangsters and taken onto their boat. The Russian-sounding gangster starts molesting her and taking off her clothes with a hunting knife. And I swear to God that the camera is situated on her cleavage for the entire conversation. I mean, writers... C'MON! Your characters are on a lake the entire movie. Can you not think of a better reason to show some boobs that having a random rape scene in the middle of a shark movie. At least have the shark rape her if you must, and make him earn his paycheck.
But noooo... TBS has to make it's own contribution to the shark attack genre. And I swear to God, if any movie needed to be MSTed, it would be Red Water. There is absolutely nothing salvagable in this movie. Worst no-name actors who couldn't deliver a line properly if their lives depended on it. The soundtrack is full of horrible '80s music that no-one has heard of, probably because it's the only music they could afford the rights to. Probably the producers spent all their budget money snorting crack off of public urinals. And talk about inappropriate. This hick fisherman just gets off his boat and sees his best girlie or whatever walk up the dock to him. And this classical music with soft French lyrics starts playing, like they're in some palace ballroom dancing and not on a boat and covered in fishguts.
And the dialogue would make baby Jesus weep. For some reason, there's some convoluted plot that has some down-to-Earth Cajun and Texan catfish-fishers, hot hippie ecologist chicks, and black gangsters complete with huge gold jewelery, all ending up at the same Lousiana river. So the horrible stereotypical dialogue just chokes the entire movie. You can tell the actors are thinking, "Why do I deserve to be in this TV movie. At least Jaws 4 had Michael Caine. Who am I co-starring with? The principal from Saved By the Bell."
The gangsters and drug-dealers have it the worst though.
"I want you to bust a tack in that guy's ass." (Yeah, it said tack. Note: Switching nouns around does not make it wittier.) "I hate that double-crossing blood clot." "So Jerry, you wouldn't be honking our geese, would you?" "Hey, send me home to mama, bitch." "I had a band." "What'd you call it? Jerry and the Idiots?" "You aint't no shark. I'm the shark. That's why I got da money!"
And the plot is not better. There are huge half hour stretches of the movie, where the shark isn't even mentioned. In Jaws, the shark is MIA for most of the movie, but the people are always talking about or trying to fix the whole problem of the shark. "Red Water" should have been named "Here's A Movie with Eco-Cows in Tight Shirts Who Get In Gun Fights With The Gangsters Who Are Hunting For Hidden Drug Money And the Shark Has The Best Agent Out of All of Them Because He Spends Most of the Movie Off-Screen Snorting Cocaine off the Back of A Public Urinal With the Producers."
There's a nice scene where Eco-Cow leader and her cronies get kidnapped by the gangsters and taken onto their boat. The Russian-sounding gangster starts molesting her and taking off her clothes with a hunting knife. And I swear to God that the camera is situated on her cleavage for the entire conversation. I mean, writers... C'MON! Your characters are on a lake the entire movie. Can you not think of a better reason to show some boobs that having a random rape scene in the middle of a shark movie. At least have the shark rape her if you must, and make him earn his paycheck.