- My goal and my career is definitely not to be famous. That's a really horrible goal, just to be famous for the sake of having fame.
- I won't do porn. Well, I won't do triple-X porn.
- I've always made fun of television shows and how ridiculous some celebrity behavior is, but I never thought my job would be commenting on it. There's a side of me that's happy I get to say these things out loud. But other times I feel like a whore.
- [on The Soup's mascot dog, Lou] I didn't like Chihuahuas very much before I met Lou, I thought they looked like big-eyed rats, but now I'm in love.
- Every parent should thank God for the gift that is their children's health, and shower them with love.
- I loved New Jersey. I thought it was the greatest place in the world because on Halloween kids could start trick or treating right after school. Isn't that great?
- Follow what your head is telling you and work hard. That's the big secret.
- I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy.
- If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams.
- It's an awesome thing to be flung out onto the stage twice a weekend in front of 250 people, and you have to make it up as you go along.
- Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money.
- Once you've been booked, people in Hollywood say, 'Oh he must be good.' All the while you're the same actor.
- Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.
- You have to have talent. You have to get the audition and then you have to nail the audition.
- In prison, inmates sometimes use Cheetos and grape juice as makeup. I wouldn't use that beauty regimen around Britney Spears - she might lick your face off!
- It's important to have the right agent - people that are working hard for you. But an actor needs to be in control of their career no matter how good the representation is.
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