Highly Recommended... to approach these 150 with extreme prejudice
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- DirectorZack SnyderStarsEmily BrowningVanessa HudgensAbbie CornishA young girl institutionalized by her abusive stepfather retreats to an alternative reality as a coping strategy and envisions a plan to help her escape.I was thinking of just leaving this as blank, but no, no I can't.
For the money it wasted, for the talent it squandered, for the audacious hypocrisy of its 'message', and for the fact that Zach Synder is most likely a self-loathing narcissist and this is his gift to the world, Sucker Punch is the most irritating, patronising, alienating experience I have ever had watching a film.
This kind of bad can be only be made with a lot of money and a lot of ego. Snyder (A poor man's Luc Besson and a sad man's Michael Bay) for some reason thought he was qualified to make a commentary on the culture he himself is so deeply embedded in and is a dogmatic properganderist for. This vapid *beep* lacks the impartiality, the general ability to emote and the dissociation from his targets needed to make any credible statement upon contemporary geek culture. He is too much of the problem to make any noteworthy statement.
Dressing your actresses up as whores does not empower them as characters in your little story. Neither does pointless fantasy sequences make any tangible statement upon the societal pressures of women you utter manchild.
I did not hear, or feel, any revealing statements about the male gaze, women in geek culture or anything really that justified two hours of weightless CG and cancerous 90s film references.
Why The Blockbuster Is Dead The Movie.
Faux intellectual, inconsequential action, 1D characters, insultingly signposted plot, Sucker Punch is as desperate and principally bankrupt an auteur effort I've ever seen from a Hollywood ego.
It's cancer, it's cancer, it's cancer, and so are you if you think any different. - DirectorEd ByeStarsFiona AllenSophie ThompsonJerry O'ConnellThe Fat Slags from Viz hit the big time and become celebrities.What was I thinking? What did I expect?
One of the genuine worst films ever made was a British production, and I am truly sorry and ashamed. Now, as I've shown, there is no shortage of waste to be found on these shores, but that was mostly due to a lack of resources and/or talent.
This had some money and name(ish) stars behind it, and that as a fact is abysmal. Dolph Lundgren disowned this! Did I say I was sorry? A black hole of revenue and careers, Fat Slags probably singlehandedly killed lad culture in Britain by mere vague association.
Hedonism took a sharp decline because this film's audience took a good look at their slop and thought, hey, this is what people think we want. This is the level of entertainment they think we deserve.
Never before, and hopefully never again will a British film be made that will sink to the level of this apocalyptically bleak anti-comedy. I'd rather watch Threads again. Not even Sex Lives is this bad.
Don't, just don't, not even for curiosity, don't. - DirectorRené Cardona Jr.StarsChristopher AtkinsMichelle JohnsonSonia InfanteVanessa, a television reporter covering a story of a farmer attacked by his chickens, discovers that this is not an isolated incident...Real birds died for this nothingness.
If that wasn't enough, the pace is torturous, the direction is TV Movie at its most insipid and it's just not fun, in any way. Awful. - DirectorChris BellSteven M. SmithStarsChris BellAlan LundDanny HowardTwo best friends who go through war overseas, leave the army and become London gang bosses.Considering this list is littered with low rent UK gangland thrillers, it's quite a feat to be the top sh**ter in this list. Why? Because it's the most recent worst I've seen. This shouldn't still be happening. But then again, anyone can make a mistake, sorry, film.
The makers of this went on to produce I am Hooligan, a moderately interesting effort that is sincerely the next Clockwork Orange compared to thier previous 'effort'.
This is a late '90s student film with a good poster and nothing more. Only unlike Reckoning Day, it's devoid of any semblance of directorial vision. There was some OK scenes, but try watching the whole thing like I did and you'll understand why it's here. Too many characters, the shots have no composition, no attempts at set design and the grade may just be the worst I've seen in any film with a wide commercial release.
Hooligan's at War is a hot, cheap DV mess of failed ambition and impoverished production values. - DirectorJoseph KahnStarsJosh HutchersonShanley CaswellSpencer LockeAs a copycat killer named after movie villain Cinderhella stalks the student body at Grizzly Lake High School, a group of co-eds band together to survive while serving detention.From the visually complex, yet clustered and confusing opening credits sequence, you might be mistaken to think that you are watching a TV movie directed by Edgar Wright. Credits you might never hear of again are integrated into the sequence in oh so many desperate ways. All of this promised something vaguely passable with just OK visuals and just minutely obnoxious characters. And then they open their mouths, out sized only by their trust fund accounts.
Detention is the most intelligent film ever made and has no shame in stating that fact. Every line of dialogue, the ones that were not delivered faster than the speed of sound that is, were either an overly elaborate insult or a useless and unwelcome pop culture reference. Sophomoric genius as ever depicted upon the screen.
This film does think it's smarter than it's audience, painfully obvious this. The film has little care for structure. What was in this film that could confidently be called an attempt at storytelling played out like a series of sketches whose sole purpose was so that the most hilarious and original that the writer's have to show could be put on display for all the world to see. All that was left to do was browse Buzzfeed and Vice for an hour and hey presto, a microwave ready definitive commentary on 2010's youth is served.
This film wanted to be the new Heathers, but not only fell prey to becoming what it beheld, it went on to become the very nadir. An amalgamation of the worst 21st century pop culture had to offer up until that point. Kahn managed to create what could be the worst example of many genres, but he displays no interest here with petty things such as genre. This film had enough bile for an entire generation.
It is so vapid and so persistent, neurotically so even, with trivial observations that there is no emotional hook at all to be had and in a twist of fate, a film that so desperately wanted to be the anti-mainstream pretty much had the same attitude and amount of insight into it's subject matter, as a local news editorial.
And even if there are defences out there crying parody, could they by chance say what type of film Detention is meant to be a parody of? Is it even possible to give a specific example? Many films are mentioned, but no specific genre is focused upon. Do any of these toneless gags lead to even the most pedestrian of observations about conventions of any film genre? No. This would have required wit, intelligence, humanity. None of which this film displays.
The film focuses on nothing more than the characters who are all detestable and visual experimentation of the director, which never does not come off as uninspired or desperate. Such an apt word. Desperate. - DirectorDonald G. JacksonStarsSandra ShukerJoe EstevezConrad BrooksA teen-age girl tries to help a small, purple, jive-talking alligator escape the clutches of a greedy carnival owner as well as as an assortment of characters so he can be reunited with his owner.MAKE IT STOP
- DirectorSarjit BainsStarsManish PatelDave CourtneyJass BassiBased on the novel The Stone Shiva by Manish Patel, the movie centres on the Holy Smokes crime syndicate and the real-life $6 million Heathrow Airport robbery, involving battles with the Chinese Triads, Jamaican Yardies and the English Firm to see who rules London.A previous Courtney/Patel collaboration, you know, before they knew what they were doing?
Shot in 8 days on moderately priced consumer level cameras (and in black and white!, in POST!!!), Tria, Hardiers and onia biakees is practically an underground film, but that doesn't make it any less crap.
No acting, atrocious editing, worse comedy, only slightly less agregiously convoluted Anglo-Asian noir plot and Rollergator levels of endless loops of music. Speaking of which... - DirectorManish PatelStarsDave CourtneyJamie BannermanLucy DriveThrough flashbacks, Full English Breakfast follows the violent career of Dave Bishop (Dave Courtney) a small-time London villain who kills his way to the top of Britain's drugs empire. Now happily 'retired' on the Kent coast Dave becomes embroiled in a bloody battle of wits with Al Qaeda terrorists who want to take over his criminal empire. Adding to the old mobster's woes is his younger trophy wife (Lucy Drive) wanting to play away with his new driver (Jamie Bannerman).Despite being inspiringly shot on a Canon 5d mark II and still managing to get a wide(ish) distribution release with 101 films, Full English Breakfast still managed to drop to being 50p in Cex not two years after its release.
Claustrophobic in its cheapness, FEB is a big let down from Manish Patel's previous effort Cash and Curry. That film had some crazy s**t going on. FEB was shot in some cast member's Manor House (I wonder who?) and has a cast of talentless nobodies propping up a tired and somewhat confused Courtney as this Harold Shand impersonator, and he's not even the protagonist. Jesus Christ.
Stock SFX have never felt so painfully evident as they are here as well. The film has no energy, no resources and no real ambition. The laziest cash grab on Courtney's minute fame you could possibly imagine. This film will age you with its stillness. - DirectorJulian GilbeyStarsRoman KarpynecSaul LinklaterDominic Alan-SmithA relentlessly gritty action film, Reckoning Day takes its inspiration from modern day low-budget classics such as Evil Dead (Sam Raimi), Bad Taste (Peter Jackson) and El Mariachi (Robert Rodriguez), and gives it a uniquely British spin.There was overkill, and then there was Reckoning Day. Obnoxious and weightless in it's violence, it's everything you fear from a late 90's action film, only 10x worse.
- DirectorNick LoveStarsSean BeanDanny DyerRupert FriendA group of people who feel betrayed by their government and let down by their Police force form a modern-day outlaw posse in order to right what they see as the wrongs of society.Nick Love's worst is a deeply confused film and incredibly ugly aesthetic wise. Misanthropy and bourgeois angst reigns as (like in a previous entry) fantastical machoism meets social consciousness as they clash in most depressing and unremarkable fashion. A good performance here, a nice stylistic touch here prevents it from being in the top five, but trust me, otherwise it deserves it.
Doomsday has it gastronomics in fantasy, Outlaw has it's in reality and such makes it very miserable viewing. Facts are simplified, generalisation, tabloid fury, equal opportunities bigotry, a little self-recognition but not enough. There is no humour that works. There are no engaging characters. The grade and shaky cam are vomit inducing. It's a movie of zombies scuffling from one scene of cringeworthy tribalism to the next. Dishwater Dark. - DirectorDale ResteghiniStarsLa La AnthonyBaby ShamCaponeThe hottest underground Hip Hop group, Tha Supanatchralz, Ivory, Krumbsnatcha, Remedy, Dia, Baby Sham have a killer in their midst. Bodies are dropping all around them and nobody knows why. When Tha Supanatchralz uncover the crazed slasher is a clown, they must hunt him down. But... will they be his next victims?Urban Massacre from the first opening seconds hits you with it’s home video production values and hilariously dated late 90’s rap video direction. Garbage, garbage editing. As in no effort. Coverage is minimal and is assembled without any hint of real consideration. The acting i would call naturalistic as everyone is basically playing but themselves, but it seems themselves were lost long ago before being captured in this sad snapshot of early 2000's genre filmmaking. So everyone is just a caricature here, a joke. Reality tv shrills. Not an ounce of real personality to be seen here.
This is without a shadow of a doubt the worst slasher film I've seen so far. - DirectorNeil MarshallStarsRhona MitraBob HoskinsAlexander SiddigA futuristic action thriller where a team of people work to prevent a disaster threatening the future of the human race.For the money it wasted alone, it's offensive. The excuse that to make a commercial British film is an achievement in itself is beyond pathetic i find and only serves to remind us how unmatched British culture is to that of film.
Doomsday is just another historical example of how desolate the domestic industry is in that producing such a script could have been inspiring to anyone. Adolescent w**k fantasy that despite having cannibalism, dystopianism and knights on horseback, has no bite and everything just seems to be there for the *beep* of it. No humour, no consideration of audience's intelligence and no control whatsoever.
This would not matter so much if Doomsday wasn't such a genre cheerleader to boot. Too busy homaging established classics, it forgets to become one itself. Maybe all the sporadic elements could've synced somehow, but Doomsday's (and Neil Marshall's) sycophant nature removes it from all credibility and just makes it a pale imitator of it's heroes. - DirectorPaul TanterStarsRobert CavanahKierston WareingPeter BarrettThe rise and fall of the Essex Boys gang - the drugs, the violence and, of course, the murders. The real story is the most shocking of all.At least Retribution had a spark of imagination. The poor man's Footsoldier which for some film fans would be their worst nightmare and not without good reason. It's almost laughable (i stress almost) how much a rip off this is. Real locations or not, this would have difficulty making a footnote in any strain of British film history.
- DirectorPaul TanterStarsIan VirgoRyan WinsleyAlex EsmailTwenty years after Britain's most notorious gangland murders, the next generation of Essex Boys vie for control as revenge is sought by all sides.About as absurd and exploitative as the Essex films get. A completely fictionalized narrative based upon the real life killings, Retribution is dull, cynical and had to be gurney'd into existence.
- DirectorPaul AngunawelaStarsLeigh FrancisKelly BrookLaura AikmanKeith Lemon (Leigh Francis) is preparing to take his invention, the securipole, which he has been attempting to lift off the ground for twenty years, to a business convention in London. Meanwhile, his girlfriend Rosie (Laura Aikman) has discovered that she is pregnant, but due to Keith being away, instead confides in his best friend, Dougie (Kevin Bishop). At the convention, the securipole fails to attract any big investor attention, and back at home, an order of 1,000,000 securipoles arrives, much to Rosie and Dougie's dismay. Realising that his invention may never be successful, and that he now owes Evil Steve (Leigh Francis) a ton of money for the securipoles, Lemon decides to stay in London, and takes the advice of fellow businessman Kushvinder (Harish Patel), and accepts the gift of a new style mobile phone that Kushvinder has invented. Attempting to turn the gift into his next money-making scheme, Lemon accepts an offer to appear on David Hasselhoff's prime time television chat show, after meeting up with his guardian angel, Archimedes (Verne Troyer). At first, the phone fails to impress, but after Lemon places a sticky Lemon sweet on the back, becomes an overnight sensation. Kelly Brook is impressed with the invention, and offers Lemon an invitation to go out on a date with her. Things are finally looking up - and Lemon decides to stick at his new life, while back home, Rosie is in serious danger after being kidnapped by Evil Steve. However, Lemon's world comes crashing down when the Lemon phone is discovered to have a major technical fault, which causes the owner's mouth to sag, giving them a speech impediment. Realising that he has no choice but to go back to his old life, Lemon accepts the advice of his best friend, Dougie, but will he be able to save Rosie from the clutches of Evil Steve, and escape the media backlash that he is facing?Francis does not have anything to offer apart from being a satellite for late 2000s internet humour. And yes, the film has dated as bad as the description suggests.
The film is made up of nothing more than celebrity cameos and the extended showcase of a mediocre comedic talent.
I have seen some vanity projects in my time, but none have been more painful to watch as this one. Absolute, vacuous, crap. - DirectorTony JopiaStarsLaurence SaundersCarl ColemanElisabeth ShahlaviA Birmingham-based band are ordered by their unhappy record company to an old warehouse; the goal being to re-start their ailing careers with a kick-ass new promo video. Unfortunately the band and their entourage find themselves targets of a mysterious knife-wielding maniac, haunted by the voice of Satan, and out for revenge.Not without it's fleeting moments, but again, smug, cheap Britsploitation that thinks it's smarter than it actually is. Another depressing reminder of the state of the UK Film Charity that first (and usually one time) feature directors and writers try too hard to please everyone and create oppressively self-referential, dated and indulgent s**t that appeals to no punter, no how.
Deadtime is no different. Not near enough having the budget to match it's ambition and shot on dirt quality digital, one would have to be delusional or wastefully prurient to think that such a script could work under such conditions. If only more filmmakers saw Killer Bitch to know how to surpass said impoverished conditions, the UK commercial arena would be a much more livelier scene. - DirectorMichael CortStarsJames Robertson JusticeCharles HawtreyRobin HawdonA race of sexy women from Angvia, a planet in another dimension, comes to Earth to kidnap women to repopulate their planet.For the first (full) twenty minutes, this plays out like a TV pilot for a crap Saint knock-off with skin. Then it had the audacity after that pathetic start to have an aspiration to be the next Barbarella. No son. It don't work like that. More obnoxious Britsploitation cheapness that deserves to remain obscure. Really not worth your time.
- DirectorLeander BasannavarMichael TchoubouroffStarsSimon PhillipsDanny DyerAshlie WalkerJack is an undercover cop infiltrating a criminal gang. Things go pear-shaped when Jack's chancer pal does a runner with a box belonging to the boss and ends up in a perilous situation which threatens to explode into disaster.Just as worse as JFTR, only you can't see half of it.
- DirectorJack PerezStarsLorenzo LamasDebbie GibsonVic ChaoThe California coast is terrorized by two enormous prehistoric sea creatures as they battle each other for supremacy of the sea.Like a late period Bruno Mattei film, only without, you know that thing, entertainment. And people think Troma releases live and die on their title.
- DirectorJames NguyenStarsAlan BaghWhitney MooreTippi HedrenA horde of mutated birds descends upon the quiet town of Half Moon Bay, California. As the death toll rises, two citizens manage to fight back, but will they survive Birdemic?No explanation required.
- DirectorBruce PearnUlli LommelPaul WillsonStarsSuzanna LoveUlli LommelShannah HallLacey travels to Hollywood, to the home of a film director, where she brings along the last surviving haunted mirror shard from the end of the first movie as proof to her horrifying experiences.The 2002 remake must be hunted and made extinct. This version's pretty bad as well.
- DirectorK. KingStarsDanny TrejoMartin CoppingClare NiederpruemWhen a street drug turns junkies into an army of zombies, a man named Hunter finds himself with nothing but a beat-up car and a trunk full of guns and booze, until he stumbles across a small band of survivors.More self-aware cancer that makes Ozombie look watchable in comparison. Bleeding the last blood from that stone dead neo-grindhouse genre, the filmmakers behind Zombie Hunter tried to be bad and exceeded beyond their wildest expectations, and probably their worst nightmares.
Why does this film have to remind us so often how cool it is? Imagine the suicidey darkness that would occur if these insecure kind of filmmakers actually took themselves seriously. Would it be any better? Who cares! - DirectorLucio FulciJoe D'AmatoStarsJohn SavageSandi SchultzRichard CastlemanA young man has mysterious encounters with an unknown woman, an ominous hearse, and other supernatural events on the road during an aimless drive around Louisiana after the funeral of his father.Fulci's worst. Til i see Ghosts of Sodom and/or Demonia that is. Depressingly lo-fi with fleeting moments of good if utterly cheap gore and an inconsequential serial killer narrative. On top of that, the film deserves the accusations of misogyny much more so than what was given so readily to Ripper.
- DirectorEtan CohenStarsWill FerrellKevin HartAlison BrieWhen millionaire James King is jailed for fraud and bound for San Quentin, he turns to Darnell Lewis to prep him to go behind bars.Racist? yep. Homophobic? yep. Loud and obnoxious? yep. A complete waste of millions of dollars? yep. Makes me want to punch every Will Ferrell fan in the face.
- DirectorAndy HumphriesStarsJohnny VegasMackenzie CrookCarol HarveyFollows the sexual antics of a group of potato delivery men in Birmingham.You don't need all your fingers to count how many films had enough resources and gull to get "Orgasm Addict" on their soundtrack, and this is one of them!
Sex Lives' budget was a scandal in the UK for good *beep* reason. A comedy pit where only the most misanthropic and feckless conceptions reside, the sort of sitcom humour you come up with after not leaving your bed for four days because you can't be bothered with the world.