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- We open with a pre-recorded bit, in which Jane Lynch sits down with the faux-President of Television, Leonard Nimoy, who tells her that men find her woman-ish and women find her man-ish. (Alec Baldwin had taped this, but quit when Fox cut a Rupert Murdoch/News Corp joke. It's hard not to think Baldwin's comedic timing might have served the bit better than Nimoy's.) Leonard reminds her not to let the audience know that all the stars all live together in a tiny apartment building, which he reveals behind the curtain. Yes, it's weird. Then it's time for the song, about the magic of television as Jane wanders through. Jeremy Piven and "Lloyd" (Rex Lee) join for a few dance moves, after which Piven wonders what he's doing. "I'm not even on anymore!" Jane sings about TV crime shows and we see Kevin Nealon, then Eric Dane from "Grey's Anatomy" as she sings about patients being cured in a week. Jane next wanders into "The Big Bang Theory," then by Marcel from "Top Chef," Randy Jackson from "American Idol," the boys from "Myth Busters" and up to Ron from "Parks and Rec" who tells her to stop singing. "I know this seems stupid and schlocky, and already seems overly long, but it's the Emmys, c'mon! Get on board," Jane tells him. And then she sings some more, not taking her own analysis to heart, walking by Andy Richter and the cast of "Mad Men." She tells them about the future, including that people can watch TV on their phones and fast forward through commercials. Don Draper kicks her out. There's a line about on TV high school students look roughly 24 as she walks by a few "Friday Night Lights"-ers in a locker room. Then it's Jane into a rally hosted by her "Glee" alter-ego, "Sue Sylvester," whom she promptly slushies. Then we're into the auditorium, where the number continues, as Jane sings about TV as a vast wonderland. ("Except for HBO, it's not TV.") The dancers lift her in the air for the big finish. "Try doing that in triple-Spanx," she says. She surveys the audience, picking out her "nodding friends," and noting that "Jon Hamm and I are at 'finger-pistols'." Jane introduces "The Emmy Tones," some actors she roped into joining her, including Zachary Levi, Cobie Smulders, Taraji Henson, Kate Flannery, Wilmer Valderrama and Joel McHale, presumably friends she had some dirt on. They sing to introduce the first comedy category. The audience doesn't seem to know what to do with it, but at least is happy to know what Wilmer Valderrama is up to. We see seconds-long clips from a slew of shows, then it's on to the Jimmys, Fallon and Kimmel. Kimmel congratulates Fallon on his nomination, then asks if he wrote a speech. Fallon says no, because they all know Jon Stewart is going to win. Kimmel then tackles him him to the ground, wresting the prepared speech from his pocket. It contains "notes to self" such as crying on cue and holding the statue like it's the "Lion King" baby. On to best supporting actress in a comedy, Jane Lynch's category. Julie Bowen from "Modern Family" wins. "I don't know what I'm going to talk about next week in therapy now," she says, struggling to compose herself. Juliana Margulies is out next to present "Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy", deadpanning that she's the funniest woman in TV. She notes the category features "that kid from 'Glee' and that guy from 'Pretty in Pink' and four guys from 'Modern Family," she says. The winner is: Ty Burrell from "Modern Family." He mentions that his dad passed away before he had success and he wonders what he'd think of the fact he goes to work every day in full make-up. Then he thanks all his costars and mentions his dad again. "If he were here tonight, I think he would say... 'But why the make-up?'." His dad would like his wife and be impressed that he gets to learn every day, "in the end I think he'd feel like, 'Couldn't you just wear a little powder? Why do you have to look like a harlot?'" Jane welcomes us back and introduces controversial Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais, via satellite. He apologizes that he couldn't be there, and says he wasn't allowed to after the Golden Globes. This sets up his bit, that he was warned he'll be edited if he says anything controversial. Some quick cuts ensue, including one that has him calling Fox fantastic in splices. He intros the nominees for "Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series." The Emmy goes to Michael Alan Spiller for "Modern Family". Zooey Deschanel and Will Arnett are up to present comedy writing. The winners are Steven Levitan and Jeffrey Richman of "Modern Family." Then Steven mentions the episode with the kids walking in on their parents came from real life (his wife's eye roll in the audience gets the biggest laugh of the speech). That's four awards, all to the same ABC show. Fox, which is airing the telecast, must be thrilled. Jane welcomes us back to "The Modern Family Awards." She introduces the next presenter, saying she was his therapist for many years "and apparently I suck." Ladies and Gentlemen, Charlie Sheen, to present "Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series", his old category. He addresses his former "Two and a Half Men" costars, and says from the bottom of his heart, he wishes them continued success. There is no punchline, but plenty of awkward as the audience waits for one. The winner is Jim Parsons from "The Big Bang Theory." (The announcer who has been offering banal facts as the winners walk up mentions that he eats a lot of peanut butter.) "Oh this is so odd for so many reasons," says the CBS star, going on to not make much more sense as Sheen, the former CBS star, lurks behind him. Sofía Vergara and Rob Lowe are out next for "Outstanding Lead Actress in Comedy," and start with Amy Poehler from "Parks & Recreation" who takes the stage. She's joined by Melissa McCarthy, Martha Plimpton, Edie Falco,Tina Fey and Laura Linney. They hold hold hands like beauty queens and wait. They get a standing ovation as everyone tries to figure out if the bit was planned. The winner is Melissa McCarthy from "Mike and Molly" who can fairly clearly be seen to say "holy s---" when her name is announced. She's presented with roses and a tiara to go with her award. "Holy smokes!" she says, acknowledging her sister in the audience. She promises to carry CBS prez Nina Tassler and Les Moonves around later that night. We return to a pre-recorded bit with stars from "The Office" talking about the worst part of their job. Then others stop by, like "Jesse" (Aaron Paul from "Breaking Bad") to bring Creed a bag. He takes it, announcing: "Hey guys, my crystal meth is here!" Kim Kardashian doesn't understand the question and wonders if she's pronouncing "work" right. "The Office" mates confer and decide the new boss doesn't seem right, Andy goes to talk to him and finds Ashton Kutcher, wondering if the "beautiful drifter" is in the wrong place. Kutcher plays dumb. "I was wondering where the half man was," he says. The Emmy Tones are back to sing awkwardly about the new combined reality and variety category. Jane Lynch returns. "Everyone was asking me if I have a gay agenda for hosting, and actually I do," she says, taking a list out of her pocket to read from. "Call Rachel Maddow and find out what time spinning is, take the pick-up in for an oil change - nah, I'll do that myself. And there was a third thing, but I must have left it in my fanny pack." David Spade and Kaley Cuoco are out next to introduce best outstanding reality competition. (She towers over him.) The Emmy goes to "Amazing Race" again. (The announcer says it's a "race to the podium". Groan.) On to best writing for a variety, music or comedy series. The Colbert Report writers shout their name all at once, SNL's scroll with pictures of Justin Timberlake, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon rolls with puppies dressed up, Jon Stewart's crew does a mock up of Newsweek's cover and Conan O'Brien pulls one name from a hat - his. "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" wins. It's the show's seventh win. The writers read a stilted thank you, the joke of which is that Jon Stewart usually proofs their writing, but not this time. Jane wanders the audience, talking to the camera, mentioning that after the show the clothes come off and it's a big sweaty pile. She introduces "The Lonely Island" and Michael Bolton. They're on to the Bolton doing captain Jack Sparrow, then Ed Helms, John Stamos and Maya Rudolph doing the "D--- in a box" guys singing "It's Not Gay if It's in a Threeway" (might have to YouTube that for it to make sense). Then Akon comes out singing about just having sex in front of a giant American Flag. Lea Michele and Ian Somerhalder are out next to introduce best directing for variety, music or comedy series. The winner is Don Roy King for the "Saturday Night Live" episode with Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga. Anna Paquin and Scott Caan introduce outstanding comedy, variety series, mentioning that "The Daily Show" has won eight years in a row. It wins again. Jon Stewart is taller than Scott Caan. He gives a special nod to Colbert. More Emmy Tones, introducing drama clips. Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher are out next to present best writing for a drama. Kutcher clarifies that he is not Charlie Sheen and doesn't think Cryer is a troll. The Emmy goes to Jason Katims for "Friday Night Lights". He reads from notes, thanking the cast and crew and his family, ending with the predictable "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose." The award for outstanding supporting actress in a drama series is next. Margo Martindale wins for "Justified." When she takes careful steps up the stage, Ed O'Neill rushes from the audience to help her. "Sometimes, things just take time," she says through tears. Her co-stars in the audience are in tears, too. She thanks creator Graham Yost, even though he killed her character. Loretta Devine and Paul Crane are out to present drama directing. The winner is Martin Scorsese for "Boardwalk Empire," the Oscar winner's first Emmy win. He sees the clock ticking down and resolves to talk a little fast, rattling off names of folks at HBO and his crew. Kerry Washington and Jason O'Mara are out next delivering a rough bit on the side effects of winning an Emmy before "Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series." The winner is Peter Dinklage from "Game of Thrones." He thanks his show creators, somewhat calmly. He thanks his dog sitter named Kitty for taking care of his dog Kevin back in New York. When we return, Anderson Cooper does a fake 360 report about a woman behind the New Jersey TV trend, Donatella, Alberghetti Mangiana D'Borgia, or Jane Lynch in a black wig and tons of eye make up. She takes credit for the fact 50 percent of all TV is set in Jersey, including "Sarah Palin's Alaska." The kids from "Jersey Shore" give interviews. "Before I met Donatella, I was just Nicole, a Harvard undergrad. And now I'm Snooki," Snooki attests. "She's like a mother to me, because she killed my mother," Pauly says. Brian Cranston and Katie Holmes are up next for "Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series." The winner is...Julianna Margulies for "The Good Wife." She addresses her fellow nominees, saying it's a privilege to be among them. She thanks her creators and writers and the CBS folk, "thank you for allowing us to be the show that we are." She tells her husband "I love being your 'good wife' and I'm so grateful you have no political aspirations." The stars of "Charlie's Angels" are out next with former "Angel" Drew Barrymore to introduce best actor. The winner is Kyle Chandler. Minka Kelly, his former costar, presents him with the award. "I knew for a fact that I would not be standing here, so I did not write anything. And now I'm starting to worry," he says, before thanking his reps and casting director and all the people who filled the stands around Texas. The Emmy Tones sing about mini-series and movies before being interrupted by LL Cool J rapping over them. In a change of pace for him, he does not remove his shirt. Jane Lynch returns with: "A lot of people wonder why I'm a lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of 'Entourage.'" They're introducing the miniseries, movie or special - all of the nominees from HBO or PBS. The Emmy goes to Julian Fellowes for "Downton Abbey" on PBS. (The insipid announcer says Julian is British and from England.) Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries goes to Maggie Smith, who is not in attendance. The accountants from Ernst & Young are out next, but it's really Jane Lynch and Paula Abdul. "Me, an accountant? I can barely balance my checkbook," Lynch says. "I can barely balance," Abdul offers. Jane introduces the real guys, then it's on to Melissa McCarthy and Amy Poehler, who note what a good year it was for male roles. They congratulate them on finally breaking through the glass ceiling and tell them not to be afraid to show a little skin. The introduce lead actor in a miniseries, which goes to Barry Pepper. He is also not there. On to directing in the category. The winner is Brian Percival for "Downton Abbey." Uses his acceptance speech as a chance to make sure your DVR is set up to record the premieres this week. He pretty much just says thanks. The chairman of the Television Academy of Arts and Science is out next for the In Memoriam segment, including Stephen J. Cannell. Some guys sing "Hallelujah" as the names roll including Harold Gould, Peter Falk, James Arness, Blake Edwards, Barbara Billingsley, Leslie Nielsen, Tom Bosley, Ryan Dunn, "Uncle Frank," Andy Whitfield, Jill Clayburgh, Laura Ziskin and Bubba Smith. Anna Torv and David Boreanaz are out next to present best supporting actor in a miniseries or movie (Torv also acknowledges the singers were the Canadian Tenors). The winner is Guy Pearce for "Mildred Pierce." "It was really a delightful experience making Mildred Pierce, I got to have sex with Kate Winslet every day to Kate, thank you for allowing me to insert myself into your world of Mildred, and to my wife Kate who had to listen to me talk about that every day when I came home from work," he says. Hugh Laurie and Claire Danes are up next to present outstanding actress in a miniseries. The winner is Kate Winslet for "Mildred Pierce." She hugs her costars and takes the stage, saying she didn't think they were going to win anything. She thanks the cast and her own mother, saying it doesn't matter how old you get, you always need your "mum." Jane comes back, noting that so many movies stars are doing TV these days that TV stars have to go do voices for video games, which are then made into movies, staring the very people who are putting the TV stars out of work in the first place. "Hakuna matata, my friends. That's the circle of life," she says. Out next is Don Cheadle, for Outstanding Mini-Series or Movie, won by "Downton Abbey." Julian Fellowes says it's hard to know what will be a hit, but this evening validates that something did. Maria Bello and William H. Macy are out next for Outstanding Drama Series. The nominees are Boardwalk Empire, Dexter, Friday Night Lights, Game of Thrones, The Good Wife and Mad Men. The Emmy goes to "Mad Men." Again. Fourth year in a row. Creator Matthew Weiner accepts. He says he didn't think they were going to win, but thanks AMC and the fans and his writing staff. "We all get to work tomorrow and that's all we ever want to do. For us and our families, this is an incredible dream," he says. Gwyneth Paltrow is up next to present Outstanding Comedy. "Ok, the prompter's down, so I'm going to wing it: Here are the nominees for best comedy series," she says, showing no great skill at improv. The nominees are The Big Bang Theory, Glee, Modern Family, The Office, Parks and Recreation and 30 Rock. The Emmy goes to "Modern Family" for the second year in a row. Steven Levitan says that everyone on the stage knows what it's like to have a show tank, so they especially appreciate it. He takes special note of the kids in the cast. "'Modern Family' was this close to being animated, that's how much we didn't want to work with kids," he says, before praising them. He also mentions a gay couple who approached them on location last year and thanked them for teaching people tolerance. Levitan says they are doing that. "We are showing the world that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a loving committed relationship between an old man and a hot young woman, and looking around this room tonight I see many of you agree," he says. "Thank you all very, very much," he says. Jane comes back to sign off, with the Emmy Tones, who can at least be glad their faces were never shown in close-up.
