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8/10
Very tense & sleazy feminist alternative to REAR WINDOW
28 March 2007
Warning: Spoilers
Jane, a local news anchor, has realized that her neighbor is the rapist/ serial killer that she has been reporting on nightly. Jane goes on a one woman mission to hunt him down before he can get to her and her deaf-blind sister she takes care of. When her lawyer boyfriend refuses to help, she is on her own. Jane starts playing phone games with the killer and turns the tables on him. But considering her air time as a reporter, it isn't long before he discovers her too. So it is a cat and mouse game to see who can get to who first.

There are genuine moments of tension like when one victim is harassed with increasingly menacing phone calls. The cops refuse to help her, and she is in her apartment running through her living room just to turn on her light switch. When her ding dong boyfriend shows up, he pops in with a creepy mask that made me jump because I was expecting the killer. And when one woman flees her office after getting phone calls, she heads into an elevator, only to be called on the elevators emergency phone! The tension and excitement isn't too surprising considering Weiderhorn was the writer and director of RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD II (1988) and SHOCK WAVES (1977).

I think the characters are well written for this type of film. You can't help but like Jane, the smart news reporter investigating the killings. When her boyfriend asks her to move in, she says No because her deaf-blind sister Tracy (Jennifer Jason Leigh) is just settling into her new home. She thinks he would resent them both and eventually leave them. I can appreciate such strength and honesty from a female character. To make matters more difficult, Jane feels guilt over her Tracy's (hinted at) molestation that left her deaf-blind after leaving her alone one day. This reinforces her boyfriend's notion that Jane is on a quest to save the rest of the women in town because she couldn't save her own sister. Leigh is usually hit or miss in her movies. You either like her or not or she doesn't even register on screen. But here she is just a teenager, but plays a deaf-blind girl realistically.

Adding to the creepiness of the film, is the feel of the killer just being a regular guy lost in a crowd. When Jane breaks into his home, she tries hard to find anything out of the ordinary. He eats, sleeps, and relaxes like a normal guy. It almost seems mildly perverse when Jane starts calling and harassing him. She even sucks lightly on a cigarette afterward as though she got off on it.

But I do have some problems with the film. Initially, it feels like a feminist's version of REAR WINDOW where the reporter stalks and hunts the rapist/ killer herself. As a "Reverse Rape/Revenge" flick, this shows her character tracking him down BEFORE he can hurt her or her sister instead of shelling out revenge after the crime was committed. But the film steers dangerously into sleaze territory in some parts, which pretty much makes all feminist statements null and void. The strip club scene was unnecessary and should have been omitted.

I am also concerned with the motive for the killings and its portrayal of women. Serial killers have a certain type they seek out. But this killer targets a stripper, a good girl next door, a deaf-blind young girl, and a completely random woman on the street. Sometimes he harasses the women for long periods of time and knows personal information and sometimes he just attacks because the mood strikes him. This doesn't make any sense. Either he is a meticulous killer that plans his kills or he is a deviant with a bad temper. So the only thing I could conclude is that all women are equal and worthy of death despite their differences in the filmmaker's eyes.

The most tense, yet sleazy part of the film was when he breaks into Jane's home and finds Tracy there alone. (SPOILER ALERT) He begins playing games with her because she is blind such as moving around a plate and knife as she is trying to cut a piece of cake. Eventually, she notices she is not alone and attempts to flee. But what is absolutely despicable is it's showing of child molestation and attempted rape on screen which completely disgusted me. Leigh herself was barely 19 years old when this started filming.

As if the age and deaf-blind factors were not bad enough, this is the second time this character gets molested in the movie. Damn, tough luck. But wait, it gets goofier. After her attack and supposed killing of the prick, she waltzes into the bathroom to start "exploring her body". Huh? Um, I will take a wild guess here and say that the last thing a woman wants to do after getting raped would be to start touching herself sensually. There are more important things to do like, you know, call the friggin' police!! The other part that makes this so damn disturbing is the revelation that no matter how hard Jane tried to protect her sister, she couldn't. In fact, her sister is molested BECAUSE she tried to help. So what is the theory here? That women should just give up and let themselves be mauled by men because otherwise they will get it twice as bad?

Released in 1981 by Warner Bros., it clocks in at 85 minutes. It is currently unavailable on DVD.

Bottom Line: Very tense & sleazy feminist alternative to REAR WINDOW.

Rating: 8/10
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7/10
Pretty tame blaxploitation vampire flick
28 March 2007
Officer Johnson (Tommy "Tiny"Lister) is tracking down a string of murders in Las Vegas and his son-in-law just happens to attract the attention of the local vampire ring. When his partner is murdered and a vampire is caught, Will he finally believe? Or does it take a super sexy nun to show him the vampire fighting way? Well, it is obviously the second option.

To start off, this is a great cast featuring "Tiny" (Friday), Richard Roundtree (Shaft), Daniel Baldwin (Vampires), Glenn Plummer (Saw II), and Kurupt (rap group, Tha Dogg Pound). There is also an appearance by K-ci & Jojo. And I did a bit of snooping around here and noticed an A. Demetrius Brown listed as Writer/ Executive Producer. Now that means he is either the guy serving time in prison or the kid from the band B2K that broke up.

Combining hip hop, vampires, Las Vegas, cop melodrama, and blaxploitation, this could have easily have been a failure. But it wasn't. Surprising, the production values were very high with great locations, fantastic musical backdrops, and an amusing cast.

There are some scenes and dialogue that are obviously corny. For instance, why would the vampires feed in public where they can, and do, get caught? And they break a rule that vampires cannot enter a residence unless invited. And that Black nun sure was sassy for a follower of the lord. But the silly scenes are overshadowed by some funny moments, like when a girl is running to her truck to get away and drops her keys right as she gets in. But before I could roll my eyes, she swung the door knocking the vampire over and took the keys from him. There is also a scene where Roundtree karate kicks a vampires head right off! There is a brief topless vampire orgy scene for anyone interested in that. Gore includes a decapitation, vampires burning in the sun, neck suckage, and bullet wounds. I just wished there was more of it and they focused less on the young kids. The "flying vampire" effects were simple, but effective too. Instead of hooking someone up on a wire and swinging them around, they added some effect afterwards to blur out the image and make it appear as though he is moving extremely fast.

IMDb will have this listed as Vegas Vamps (2003), but the actual DVD release is Feb. 27th 2007 under Vegas Vampires by Code Black Entertainment and runs at 89 minutes. The film quality is good and if it was shot on video, I couldn't tell. The SFX was good when it occurred, which wasn't enough.

DVD Extras: N/A. It was a screener and I cannot find any info from other sites.

Favorite Quote: Girl accidentally runs over her boyfriend in truck and asks him, "Oh my god! Are you okay?" Boyfriend replies, "No, you just hit me with a truck dumbass." Bottom Line: Pretty tame blaxploitation vampire flick with some fun to be had though.

Rating: 7/10

by Molly Celaschi
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9/10
Incredibly gritty look at mean streets
28 March 2007
Brenda (Linda Blair), head of the Satins girl gang, is on a mission of vigilante justice after the Scars gang attacks her deaf (& mute) sister and kills her best friend. You see, the Scars like to cruise for dates (aka grab completely random women off the streets and rape them). When the sniveling whiney thug suddenly gets "rape buyers remorse", the cat is let out of the bag in more ways than one.

Linnea Quigley plays Heather, Brenda's deaf younger sister. Heather gets raped, and the most disturbing part, well besides the obvious reason that it is rape, is that she is a young girl and deaf. Quigley is anorexic and this is pre-op breast augmentation, so she is barely batting an A-cup average here, making her look like she is thirteen years old. The rape is played out in the worst way possible with her innocently twirling around like a little ballerina before she notices one of the Scars gang members checking her out. He talks with her in a friendly manner; tricking the audience into thinking he means her no harm. But all the thugs show up and rape her in the bathroom. While she is laying on the floor, head thug Jake makes sure to kick her so hard in the head that it puts her in a coma. And this disturbing scene is cut in with the goofy "girl fight" in the showers, which was hysterical. So I am watching a terrible rape scene, then cutting to girls bouncing around in showers and pushing each other, then back to the child rape again.

The next victim is Brenda's best friend, Francine. Her crime and reason for punishment? She cut Jake with a knife when the guys tried to molest her and beat up random guys in a club. Francine is pregnant and getting married to her man. After trying on her wedding dress, she is chased down by the Scars gang. Jake catches her, throws her over an overpass killing her, then tosses her wedding dress over too. Could these scenes be any more vile? Sure they could be, but you can give credit to Steinmann for trying his sick best.

Now after the whiney little punk in the Scars gang feels guilty for his rape and assistance in the murder, he confesses to his crime and Brenda is all over it. Stacked with big breasts and a crossbow, she hunts down each member one by one. Cue "Justice for all, You get what you get when you've broken the law" and she is off on her killing spree with some great one liners. Linda Blair won the Worst Actress Razzie Award for this role in 1986. I can't blame them for awarding her with it, but I have to say that her over the top performance added some much needed humor to this otherwise dreary film. The last part of the movie is the most fun to watch, but sadly with all her tough womaness, she still resorts to the Please-don't-hurt-me-after-I-tripped-while-running cliché at the very end. Oh well. She did kick @ss most of the time and all the dudes get their payback.

I'm not sure if the movie was meant to be serious or funny. I would like to think it was the former. During a classroom scene, a teacher asks, "What does Sex and Death have in common?" And although she doesn't give the answer, the movie does to some degree. One of the students says that sex and death are forever, so you could argue that the sex crimes against Heather will last forever while the deaths of the Scars gang are equally eternal as well. As Brenda is torturing Jake, she says, "This will not be quick."

There is a highly interesting cast presented for your enjoyment as well. John Vernon (ANIMAL HOUSE, KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE) plays the principal. Maybe the film was meant to be one of those LEAN ON ME knockoffs. Who knows? And Brenda's best friend Francine is played by Lisa Freeman (BACK TO THE FUTURE, Friday THE 13TH Part 4) and the recognizable, even in the background, Marcia Karr played the lead in KILLER WORKOUT and starred in CHAINED HEAT as well.

But some silly problems occurred like the boom mic popping into the scenes (watch the P.E. gym scene). Also, Heather is described in some parts/descriptions as being a "deaf-mute", which doesn't sound correct. A Deaf-Mute is an inaccurate and offensive term since deaf and people have functioning vocal chords and "mute" means without voice. So for her character to really be a mute, she must have damaged to her vocal chords, which was never explained in the movie. Meaning if she really wasn't "mute", then she could have screamed during her attack, therefore making Brenda's dramatic line "she couldn't even scream for help" devoid of any validity. In addition, Quigley clearly wasn't trained to be a deaf person. She just kinda wandered around quietly with no mannerisms and didn't bother to learn sign language.

It is also worth noting that the superior Tom DeSimone (HELL NIGHT, THE CONCRETE JUNGLE, and some gay porn) was the original director, but quit after a few days. Steinmann (a weak Friday THE 13TH PART 5) came aboard. Not sure if Steinmann was the original writer or if he received writing credits after having to rewrite some scenes when the director and a few actors left the production. But rewrites would explain why some people disappeared from the film halfway through. The seemingly important classroom, hallway, and locker room scenes were all left hanging. I feel like this was meant to be a commentary on the trials of high school life.

Bottom Line: Incredibly gritty look at mean streets and high school drama while maintaining funny 80's movie staples. In the vein of YOUNG WARRIORS.

Rating: 9/10

by Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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May (2002)
8/10
Very unique tale of a lonely girl that builds a best friend
28 March 2007
A lonely girl named May leads an isolated existence with no companionship other than her encased doll, until one day she meets the perfect guy. Slowly she comes out of her shell as her doll's case cracks more and more. After getting rebuffed by her man and a woman and even a cat (!), she begins her mental descent into madness culminating in the final scene where she finally gets what she always wanted.

May is an updated version of Frankenstein with the girl mistaken for a pirate (monster) for wearing a corrective eye patch. There are themes of isolation, loneliness, and insanity. May speaks of liking people, most of them anyway, and disliking certain parts. May is the perfect embodiment of the awkward girl struggling for attention. I believe only Bettis could have pulled off this difficult role. She is both vulnerable, yet powerful at the same time.

The supporting cast is great particularly Anna Faris (Scary Movie 1-5) who plays the mighty flirtatious lesbian co-worker Polly. And while that description sounds cheesy, her character is anything but. She steals almost every scene she is in and I am completely smitten with her. She holds her cat and sulks across the screen purring like a pussy herself. Jeremy Sisto plays the cute, but aloof Adam whose room is covered in Dario Argento's Opera posters. He shows his character drawn to May's quirkiness, yet repulsed by her natural desires.

I think in different hands with different actors, the film would have failed miserably. But each actor made his or her character someone unique. This film also works as a shining example of McKee's great storytelling skills. Haunting moments include dead cat play, bloodied eyeballs, blind kids crawling over glass, scissor stabbings, and a very creepy doll.

Released in 2002 by Lions Gate, the movie clocks in at 93 minutes. There is apparently missing footage from the movie such as multiple scenes of young May featuring the "Bird Wing Chopping" scene where May tries to make her doll fly. Hopefully, this will get re-released at a later time with the extra scenes.

DVD Extras: Hidden Trailers and some interesting Commentary. The German release has production notes and Biographies, while Australia provided a 14 still Photo Gallery.

Favorite Quote: Polly, "The Doctor needs you to do a Fee-Ko Zam on the Miss Ka-Tay. Does that make any sense?" May, "Fecal exam on Miss Kitty." Bottom Line: Very unique tale of a lonely girl that builds her best friend.

Rating: 8/10

by Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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7/10
One of the better cheesy 80s zombie flicks
28 March 2007
A group of scientists researching cancer treatments unintentionally kills the daughter of a voodoo priest. The priest hopes to get his daughter back by opening the third gate of Hell. Fast paced, fun action ensues as demonic zombies are unleashed. A group of mercenaries arrive to add to the fun, which leads to a downbeat ending. Why? Because there is a Zombie 5! Hmmm, an Italian zombie flick directed by a white guy with a white cast. How are the results you ask? Pretty good, but let's clear some things up. The director is listed as Clyde Anderson, which is a pseudonym for Claudio Fragasso. He uses the English name for his B & Z movies, so he still has the respect of Italians. He also worked on Zombi 3, which is famous for Lucio Fulci walking off production and the rest being shot uncredited by Bruno Mattei and Fragasso himself. This is the third in the Italian Zombi series.

And so goes another take of Nature vs Science vs Military. This is pure 80s flick right down to the "Eye of the Tiger"-type inspirational music, the guys with open shirts, girls with puffy hair, and a token black guy with a boom box. Story wise, this doesn't break new ground. The plot is similar to other stuck-on-an-island-with-zombies flicks, but this features voodoo elements, running zombies, and zombie friends that taunt the would-be victims. Hell, these zombies karate chop their way to the next meal.

There are of course plot holes. The chick says that she is cursed and the zombies want her after she escaped the fate of her family's death 20 years ago, so Why did she return to the island? She mentioned something about just now realizing she watched her parents get eaten when she was little. Yeah, like that would be difficult to forget. And if the magical circle of candles stops the zombies, Why don't they relight them when they go out and they get hit with another wave of zombies? The movie starts to slow down right about when the chick starts explaining why things are happening. I am pretty sure this part was improvised and she completely made up the weird story on the spot. The other characters die pretty quickly and we are stuck with the two bumbleheads. The acting is pretty laughable, as it always seems to be in this sort of flick. Chuck Peyton and Candice Daly seem pretty enough to look at, but do not sound very bright. Daly did the movie to be near her boyfriend in the Philippines and Peyton is really porn star Jeff Stryker. Really important side note: he has a 10 inch penis. For reals.

The camera shots are very clever and engaging with the director's predilection for extreme close ups whether to bulging eyes, chanting mouths, military boots stomping. The lighting was quite effective with flashlights in dark tunnels or candles lighting a room. The cinematography was well done with much attention lavished upon the lush forests to paint them falsely as inviting, instead of as an indicator of impending doom. The SFX kicked some ass and includes exploding heads, scissor stabbings, ripped off faces, a hand through a chest, and a pulsating eyeball. I have read some negative reviews, but I thought the film was pretty entertaining. I honestly believe the negativity stems from the ballyhoo surrounding the Zombie series.

For some reason, the Shriek Show version I watched was listed at only 85mins long. The Shriek Show (subdivision of Media Blasters) US DVD release in 2002 has a running time of 90mins. I also read one description stating there was gratuitous nudity, but there was no sex at all in this. Not sure where the differences come into play, but I know After Death was the original title, but when Shriek Show picked it up, they changed it to Zombie 4 to tie in with the series. Possibly a simple misprint on some sites are to blame.

DVD Extras: Fragasso's Bio, Interviews with Daly, Guy, & Fragasso, and Trailers for Eaten Alive, House on the Edge of the Park, Zombie 3, and Zombi (Hidden).

Favorite Quote: Machismo man, "Those are the times when it really counts in a mans life. When you discover if you've got any balls. When a man is afraid he's going to die, there's nothing he wants more than a woman by his side. And I want you." (She turns him down) Bottom Line: One of the better cheesy 80s zombie flicks with some fast paced action and good gore shots.

Rating: 6.5/10

by Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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3/10
Lame Porno, even weaker Horror film
28 March 2007
As a serious horror fan, I get that certain marketing ploys are used to sell movies, especially the really bad ones. So I wouldn't call it naiveté that I assumed this was softcore horror ripping off Cannibal / Zombi / Jungle Holocaust. Unfortunately, I was completely wrong as this is very hardcore. I should have realized that when I saw the odd "No actual or identifiable minor was used" warning. Notice the identifiable part as though he is daring us to catch him? A group of scientists, half of whom are pretty women in bikinis, are led by a sea captain with a penchant for 69ing on the beach, in search for a mutated native killing villagers. Due to a nuclear bomb detonated on a supposedly evacuated island, the radiation turned this last man into a rapist/ killer.

Writer/ actor George Eastman is the only one trying here and succeeds in keeping his clothes on. The sex scenes are whacked out. Women walk around nude exuding a strange overconfidence and one even asks for rape when her husband turns her down. Well, two chicks slapping each other naturally turns into a lesbo scene because women are horndogs. I saw the chick toss another chicks salad and finger herself.

If there is anything you should know about this film, it is that. Because the rest of this insane movie is just the same. Oh, who am I kidding? There is a ton more to tell here. Like the white "Duchess" that pays for 2 black guys to tag team her in a parlor. Or the "Duchess" taking off her top to use as a bandage when the captain cuts himself. When he refuses her advances, she starts crying. So being the good gentleman he is, he reluctantly lets her pleasure him in front of the other crew members. I was honestly waiting for the pizza guy to show up and the "Duchess" to ask if there is any other way to pay him.

And all of this happens before they depart for the island to conduct their research. Wait, I thought this was a zombie flick? But the zombie doesn't enter until the 73min mark, but by that time everyone else has been "entered" plenty. I found myself hitting fast forward a few scenes…or several. This is my first splatter porn flick and I don't think it does that subgenre any justice. I guess it is the woman in me talking when I say that I would like more plot and less sweaty, slobbering, hairy sex. Funny thing is this could have worked as a decent horror film as the idea of atomic bombing mutating a bitter man and killing his family, was a good one. Even Eastman's character shakes his head and walks away from a couple copulating. It makes me wonder if it was the character or the writer himself that was disgusted.

I don't feel like going into the sound or film quality because you should have already guessed it was bad. This production was shot back to back with 3 other movies including Erotic Nights of the Living Dead, which sports most of the same cast. Eastman has said this was done because everyone wanted a vacation and a paycheck. Nevermind, I feel like talking about the sound suddenly. The sound was weird during the sex scenes because while the cast is speaking Italian, it seems as though they recorded English voiceovers and played that over their dialogue. So while 2 people are boning, I can clearly hear someone in the background say, "No! Yes! Wonderful! Wait!" There was a slightly amusing Italian score that couldn't save this movie. The SFX were minimal at best and consisted of some blood in only a few scenes. And I would like to point out that there were no violent rape scenes as the bright warning label said on the DVD cover (ahem, another marketing ploy), so no fear there. Only fear the bad movie.

Presented in Widescreen 1.85:1 aspect ratio. I watched the Region 1 Not Rated version running at 113min released in 2005 by Exploitation Digital. There is apparently a XXX version by Alfa Digital, which is the same running time, so I doubt anything is different. Prices vary, but you shouldn't pay more than $25.00 for a copy. Or as I would recommend, pay nothing and pretend it doesn't exist.

Favorite Quote: Shipmate, "Civilians are bad luck. Women are bad luck. They're scientists too? They must really be monsters." DVD Extras: Original trailer with hardcore shots & kills to make it look more interesting than it is, Trailers for SS Hell Camp, Emmanuelle, & ENOTLD, and a very informative interview with Eastman.

Bottom Line: Lame porno, but even weaker as a horror film. Either get real porn or watch real horror.

Rating: 3/10 by Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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Slither (2006)
6/10
An okay horror-comedy, but for a classic, stick with The Blob
15 February 2007
A meteorite collides in a small town where Grant finds it, becomes infected by a parasite worm, and causes him to transform into a monster. His wife Starla and a policeman, Bill, will try to stop him and the plague of worms generated by the creature. Zombies join the picture.

Grant strikes me as a grody fellow flicking his wife's nipples at a lame attempt to "turn her on" like a light switch. And policeman Bill isn't any better. He is overbearing and rude. When Starla sweetly tells him to be careful and stares longingly at him waiting for his reply, he brusquely says, "Yeah, now there's a thought." Starla had dreams to move to LA and frankly I think she had a better chance dealing with the sharks there. Screw these hillbilly jerks.

Also, the subplot of the Sheriff lusting after Starla was underdeveloped. I didn't feel a connection between them at all and love developing there seems unbelievable. A simple flashback to them at an earlier age could have helped to fix that. Or, you know, he could have pretended to like her in a heterosexual type of way.

Call me crazy, but there were weird sexual undertones that I do not understand. There is talk of Survival of the Fittest during the film and I couldn't help, but think this was referring to the men and women on screen. There is the preacher hammering on about God eating fishes while Grant preyed on a lonely woman. And then there was the zombie dude who accusingly asked Starla, "How could you blame someone for acting their nature?" as though this is explanation enough for her horny husbands cheating ways.

The three main women are playing stereotypes- the gold-digger, frigid wife, the trailer trash single mom desperate for attention, and the 16yo naughty girl with painted nails in the nipple-flashing bathtub scene. Oh and the 2 tentacle, double penetration rape scene was oddly exploitive for such a mainstream movie.

Now, don't get me wrong. Slither is not a terrible film. But I am deeply disappointed after hearing the nonstop hype about the "Best Horror Movie of 2006". I felt overall it lacked in gore considering the lengthy articles Fangoria wrote on how they ran out of SFX supplies because it is just that darn gory. And the story was not original. It was part The Blob, part Shivers. And I really disliked the how the female characters were portrayed. But hey, other than that it was a fun film.

By now you should know who James Gunn is. He wrote "Tromeo & Juliet" "Scooby Doo 1-2," and "Dawn of the Dead." I think he has strong skills as a writer, however, Slither suffered in the writing area probably because Gunn also takes over as director here. Tromeo was well written and had several likable characters and I bet it had less than half the budget Slither did.

Presented in Dolby Digital 5.1 with a running time of 96 minutes. The SFX were okay, but I heard that they used mostly real props and make-up to create the effects, but about 80% looked like fake CGI.

Trivia: Lloyd Kaufman, James Gunn, and his real life wife Jenna Fischer all make appearances. Kaufman had lines, but they were cut.

(Read Molly's Interview W/Lloyd Here) Favorite Quote: Kid asks, "What's a 'gina'?" Sheriff replies, "It's a country. You know, where "Ginese" people come from." DVD Extras: Making of, Deleted Scenes, Commentary, Gag Reel, and Slithery set tour.

Bottom Line: An okay horror-comedy, but if you are interested in a classic, stick with The Blob. And if you want exploitation fun, try Cronenberg's Shivers.

Rating: 6.5/10

by Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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Evil Aliens (2005)
8/10
Very fun party movie. Dead Alive fans will be pleased
15 February 2007
Reporter Michelle Fox and her news crew for an unexplained mysteries show goes to a Welsh island to investigate a reported alien abduction and impregnation.

The glorious opening scene involves a couple having sex in the grass, the guy stumbling head first into a stone because his pants are around his ankles, and waking up to a anal probe.

This film uses the blackest of humor with the director even spoofing his last flick Razor blade Smile. Michelle boinks her camera man and films him! And the aliens hold a talk show where their "people" do not believe the story of an alien's encounter with humans.

The chubby guy with glasses is adorable especially when he prayed to see an alien, then dreams of an alien lady with 3 tits, then later wakes up and runs into a crop circle with glee. There is a gay man that gets it with a crucifix up the ass impalement. But my favorite character was the farmer that only grunts and kills like a warrior.

The sound/ film quality are great with the SFX being the stand out here. You will see a crucified alien, a demonic woman give birth to a full grown alien, and a funny as hell alien sex scene. Who knew aliens were so flexible? But my favorite part of all is when a guy drives a harvester through a field slaughtering aliens while the song, "I got a brand new harvester and I'll give you the key" plays.

While all of this was fun, I felt like something was missing and I cannot say that comparisons to Dead Alive are dead on. But while Alive featured recognizable zombies such as Mother zombie, Priest zombie, and Nurse zombie, the aliens in Aliens almost all looked alike with no distinct personality. And while Alive had a cute couple to root for, Aliens featured mostly despicable characters. I agree with WIL and Andrew's reviews for the most part except on this. The pregnant woman was severely mistreated and Michelle's loving boyfriend leaves her for dead in the end.

Favorite Quote: Chubby nerd says, "Nobody f*cks with a UFO enthusiast." DVD Extras: None. This was the screener. The Unrated UK version is available now, with the DVD US release by Image Ent. seemingly getting pushed back again and again. Originally due in 2006, they changed the date to 01/09/2007 and I have yet to see it.

Bottom Line: Very fun party movie. Dead Alive fans will be pleased.

Rating: 8/10 Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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London Voodoo (2004)
7/10
Top shelf voodoo film with a good story to boot
15 February 2007
Lincoln and Sara move into a new home in London and his wife's behavior begins to grow erratic. After opening a grave in their basement, she becomes more sexual, more violent, and begins to forget things. A nanny is brought in to help around the house, but only adds to the tension. Eventually, Lincoln finds him in a fight for his wife's soul with a spirit of a voodoo priestess.

The film works on different levels mainly because it keeps you guessing and never completely gives away all the answers. As you watch the scenes unfold, you wonder if the Sara is possessed, just going crazy like her mother had, or that the crazy nanny is out to get her. In the end, it is a weird combo of all of the above, which makes the storytelling top notch.

Each character is very detailed with their own share of problems. The husband is overloaded at work, deals with a jerky boss, and is put on a tight deadline that challenges his sleep schedule. The wife suffers from a loss of identity and is bored with her new life as a homemaker. The babysitter is plain nutty and comes off as caring and sadistic at the same time.

Overall, I think the film is symbolic of a couple growing apart and their marriage crumbling. Her changes are similar to what any woman would go through if forced to sit in a house all day especially when competing with another, more younger woman. The husband struggling to save the soul of his wife is really an attempt to save their marriage. He must repent and they start anew.

Released by Heretic Films in 2004, it clocks in at 99 minutes. While it was shot on video, the story doesn't suffer from it. Also, the Winner of the 2004 Fearless Tales Genre Fest and Boston Int. Film Fest. Composer Steven Severin adds much atmosphere to the already creepy scenes with his pulsating background music.

The SFX was great with a few good bloody scenes such as a scalping, a nose bitten half off, slit wrists, and a man fatally hit by a car. There is also weird imagery such as a pissing in a pot scene, lipstick drawn over an eye, and honey dripping off of fishhooks. The most trippy scene though was when Lincoln goes through his "cleansing" in the nude and is swatted with sticks and dances around in a daze with the voodoo followers. There is great insight given here on the religion of voodoo and its history in the UK.

DVD Extras: 10 Deleted Scenes, the trailer, Making of Documentary, and Interview with Voodoo Priest, which covers some of the voodoo lore.

Bottom Line: Top shelf voodoo film with a good story to boot. Highly recommended for fans of The Skeleton Key.

Rating: 7.5/10 by Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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Motel Hell (1980)
6/10
Black comedy with a disturbing premise, but fails to deliver any real scares
23 January 2007
REMAKE WARNING: MGM has the production date listed as 12-7-07

Farmer Vincent and sister Ida run a farm that harvests people for use in their smoked meats. When the nubile Terry is found hurt on the road, Vincent decides to treat her. When she later agrees to marry him, the suspicious and horny Sheriff gets involved. Eventually, the "harvested" come back to sow their own crops. And it all culminates in a final showdown in the slaughterhouse when Vincent dons a pig's head and battles the Sheriff with chainsaws.

There is some fun to be had here, which kicks in when a wacky couple stops by for some couple swapping and the female does a wild whip dance to the symphony. There is the goofy band getting stoned in a van that later become veggies. Oh and Wolfman Jack makes an appearance as an evangelist who speaks in tongues.

Rory Calhoun is great as the charismatic Vincent always in smiles even when farming people at night. Apparently, the old man appeals to everyone because he miraculously convinces a beautiful young woman that she is in love with him. This subplot confused me because I thought it was a joke that the chick would dig an old man. I thought either she was pretending, so she can run away or he hypnotized her with some voodoo magic. I guess I was wrong on both counts because the reason wasn't explained. I guess I wouldn't know true love even if it laid a stinker. Oh and when sister Ida gets jealous, she tries to kill Terry by, get this, tubing in the lake! Vincent hypnotizes his crops in what he calls "astro projection". The people no longer have a choice, are brainwashed, and are "saved", which symbolizes Vincent playing God. And it is hard not to notice the Evangelist droning on TV in the background of multiple scenes. In the end, Vincent admits he is a hypocrite.

Weird Fact: Tobe Hooper was originally set to direct, but when Universal Studios balked at the bizarre story, he parted. The chainsaw images later used in this flick were inspired by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974). I believe this could have been better with Hooper.

Favorite Quote: Farmer Vincent surveying his human crop, "Sometimes I wonder about the karmic implications here. Well, I can't take credit for the good done." DVD Extras: French, English, and Spanish Languages and Subtitles.

Bottom Line: Black comedy with a disturbing premise, but fails to deliver any real scares. Watch only if you love chainsaws or planted people.

Rating: 6/10 by Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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Masters of Horror: The Fair Haired Child (2006)
Season 1, Episode 9
7/10
Good tale rooted in family values and the price of love
23 January 2007
Distraught father Anton and mother Judith (played by Lori Petty of Tank Girl fame) try to resurrect their dead son by sacrificing a young girl to a demon.

The film opens with young Tara being teased in school, riding her bike home, then getting kidnapped by a man in a van. I could only imagine the fears this scene would conjure up in any parent. After Tara wakes up, she tries to call her mom for help explaining that she has been drugged, kidnapped, and hospitalized in another state to which her mom casually replies, "Can I call you back later?" Malone directs a surprisingly restrained tale of suffering considering his previous outings included FearDot.com, which was oddly gratuitous and devoid of meaning. Fair-Haired Child is a touching story of a mother so heartbroken she is pushed to desperate lengths, a rebellious teen that betrays the ones that love him, and a kidnapped girl that no one notices is missing. The story is a simple one with a nice twist ending and pleasantly reminded me of the old Twilight Zone series.

The mood and atmosphere are great with many scenes set to classical music. There are black & white scenes that represent the dark doings of the parents and the little blonde girl looking up from the bloody bathtub through the hole in the basement looks like a lost Alice after falling through the rabbit hole.

On a side note, I thought it a curious gesture to add Malone to the list of "Masters of Horror". He did a few low budget creature flicks, followed by the good House on Haunted Hill remake, which was followed by the very bad FearDot.com. I think this TV episode is one of the highlights of his resume now. Another interesting thing I noticed is that while many of the directors chose to push the limits in their episodes, this one seemed tame in comparison and yet was still quite good. Unfortunately, it did not get much attention, as it was not controversial like many of the others.

The 55 minute TV show is presented with a 1.77:1 ratio aspect, Dolby Digital 5.1, and Surround Sound 2.0. The creature looked awesome with the stand out image being the aftermath of Tara after confronting the Fair-Haired Child.

Favorite Quote: Anton, "Nietzsche said anything done out of love is beyond good and evil. We're not evil. I still love you Judith." DVD Extras: Interviews with Director & Cast, Commentary, Behind-the-Scenes, Trailers, Stills, Malone's Bio, and the Screenplay on DVD-ROM.

Bottom Line: Good tale rooted in family values and the price of love. Minimal gore and scares, but well told and acted nonetheless.

Rating: 7/10

by Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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Masters of Horror: Jenifer (2005)
Season 1, Episode 4
7/10
An honest look at disturbing subject matter
23 January 2007
After police officer Frank Spivey saves a disfigured young woman named Jenifer from being killed, he takes her into his home and begins a dangerous love affair with her. (Okay, so I know this has been reviewed a million times over, but I will address issues not previously covered by others.) When Frank later returns home after killing a man and saving Jenifer, he is seduced by his wife. At first, her advances turn him off, but then he is plagued with flashbacks of the dying man and a helpless tied up Jenifer. This makes Frank become sexually charged and aggressive towards his wife. In an ambiguous move on the director's part, it appears as though he rapes his own wife. Later, you will find him sinking to new lows with devastating consequences.

I could not help but notice the many similarities to David Cronenberg's Crash. There is an emphasis on the weird attraction we may feel towards some things that should repulse us. The nude & sex scenes show a heavy contrast between what is beautiful and what is disgusting and as it turns out, there is a thin line between the two.

I have read some other reviewer's opinions and they seem to state that their interpretation of Jenifer is as a monster or severely disfigured woman. Some even called her an "alien". My personal opinion is that she is none of the above. I think that would be missing the point of the film. I believe that Jenifer is not a human, but rather a manifestation of man's desire. Inevitably, all the men lose their wives, children, jobs, freedom, and eventually their lives. It is a cautionary tale to all stupid men, uh, well, I guess all men. The good news is that Frank pays for his stupidity in the end. Actually, things come around full circle. And I have to admit, I laughed.

Like a typical Argento film, he covers much ground here. Besides the obvious comparison to ugly and beauty, he takes a look at a corrupt police force. When the man that attempted to kill Jenifer has his nice clothes searched, but found missing an ID, he is written off as a homeless person. It later turns out that he was wealthy. When Jenifer is rescued, she is considered retarded and admitted to a mental institution because "that's the system".

While the story itself is great and tackles bizarre subject matter, my biggest complaint is that the nudity goes way overboard. I got the point about 5 nude scenes in. I don't need a paint by numbers cheap porno where the partners switch positions repeatedly. Top, bottom, side, car, bed, cabin, etc. It got very boring, very quickly. Plus half the time the nudity made no sense at all. For instance, if Jenifer is showering in an institute, Why is a male orderly and a male stranger allowed in there to gawk at her? Why is Jenifer walking around naked at Frank's house in front of his wife and young son and no one bothers to cover her? Another thing that didn't make a lot of sense was when Frank quits his job to live in the woods with Jenifer. Why not just hide her there and visit? Okay, to keep an eye on her and bone repeatedly. Fine. But wouldn't his wife and son report him missing? Um, there is such a thing as child support. He cannot just run off with another broad and not expect people to come for him.

Clocking in at a full 58 minutes, the film features great SFX (and in case you missed it, nekkid people). Claudio from Goblin supplies the soundtrack.

Weird Fact: This was the only Season 1 episode to require cuts. 2 shots were removed involving graphic depictions of oral sex. The first one occurred during the awkward sex scene in the car and the second occurred at the end of the film. The deleted scenes are edited into the 'So Hideous My Love' documentary on the DVD, which somehow I completely missed. Uhh, I guess I don't know oral sex when I see it. Or maybe I accidentally skipped over this. Or I got tired of watching this and did something else.

Favorite Quote: Police Chief, "If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck with a meat cleaver." DVD Extras: Interview with Director & Cast, Commentary, Stills, Bios, Trailers, and the Screenplay on DVD-ROM.

Bottom Line: An honest look at disturbing subject matter. Incredibly sexual, while lacking in extreme gore and devoid of any scares.

Rating: 7/10 by Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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6/10
Highly flawed pseudo-documentary on the life of Ed Gein
23 January 2007
The film starts with a journalist saying we are about to watch a true story and nothing has been left to the imagination. We are given the warning: "The movie you are about to see is absolutely true", then he gives a voice over like a documentary describing Ezra Cobb's (aka Ed Gein) life and within just 30 seconds, already strays from the facts in this "true" story.

The movie's plot is about Ezra who turns to grave robbing and murder when his possessive mom kicks the bucket. The mother obsession and necrophilia is taken from Ed Gein's life, but they get his childhood wrong. The scene where he helps a woman after he ruined her tire is straight from the Ted Bundy file. The 58 year old clerk that Gein killed is portrayed as a 16 year old girl instead. The filmmakers say this is a true story, but it is really a mashup of different real life killers. And if it was a true story, Why not use the name Gein and call it a biopic? I have no idea what the point of the film was. It seems like a boring combo of dramatic stage play, educational documentary, and a creepy serial killer flick. It cannot be a documentary because it gets the facts wrong. It cannot elicit sympathy for a serial killer with a bad childhood when the killer is an idiot and his abusive mom is hilarious. Overall, I do not like the serious documentary tone. That they would paint a serial killer as a victim is obnoxious, the facts they kept getting wrong irritated me, and I do not feel anger, sympathy or fear because the actor is a bore.

My confusion makes sense if you take into account that there are 2 directors credited here, Alan Ormsby and Jeff Gillen. While Gillen hardly has any credits to his resume, Orsmby has made a name for himself as a decent screenwriter (Deathdream), among other things. I have a sneaking suspicion Ormsby deserves the credit for the well written material. It felt as though the directors had 2 different ideas of what to present here, shot scenes individually, then edited it all together. Also, Bob Clark (Black Christmas, A Christmas Story) produced this film, but later asked for his name to be removed from the credits due to the crappy, uh…I mean, horrific content.

Unfortunately, this disturbing flick cuts away from most gore/ violence. It is rated 'R', but feels very PG-13. There is essentially no violence, gore, or sex for the majority of the film. There are a couple of cool scenes with corpses and Ezra in a sort of skin suit, but they could have been better. There is a part when a woman is captured and tied to a chair in her underwear and even that is made to be boring and nonthreatening. There is one noteworthy scene at the very end when he hangs a nude girl and cuts her body down the middle. This is oddly gratuitous considering they were so damn stingy on gore/ nudity the rest of the film.

The film also strikes me as sexist in that it perpetuates the notion that it is not the serial killers fault; his overbearing mom made him do it and all the sluts deserve it. There is in-depth talk of flesh hanging off "fatties" and a pretty 34 year old waitress is described as "over the hill". And these instances are not within the mind of the serial killer, but rather reported on by the neutral journalist as though they were facts.

There are three versions of the flick floating around running at 78, 82, and 84 minutes. This one runs 82 minutes and is missing the Momma Mutilation scene. Basically, after he digs up his dead mom he scoops out her eye, cuts open her head, and scoops out her brain. Frankly, this added gore was much needed in my opinion.

The sound seems like it was captured with one mic and no boom, which made it difficult to hear characters other than the main person talking in a scene. The acting, direction, and camera work are odd and remind me of a stage play. And sadly, at times, like a high school play.

Weird Fact: This is Tom Savini's first credited make-up gig. The next one was Deathdream (1974) that was also written by Ormsby.

Favorite Quote: Mother to Ezra, "Call Maureen. She is the only woman I ever did trust. She's fat. A big heifer. The rest are filthy sluts." DVD Extras: Theatrical trailer and English subtitles.

Bottom Line: Highly flawed pseudo-documentary on the life of Ed Gein. Watch only if a huge admirer of serial killer flicks. For real Momma's boy scares, watch Psycho (1960). For a more accurate Ed portrayal, watch Ed Gein (2001).

Rating: 6.5/10 by Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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The Pit (1981)
7/10
Weird combo of a serial killer flick and a troll movie
15 January 2007
Jamie is a 12 year old boy that cannot seem to get attention from his parents or avoid getting picked on. Left home alone with the babysitter, he begins to fixate on her. And when he discovers a pit full of Trogs (man-eating creatures), he seeks his revenge on his bullies.

Jamie is exceptionally creepy and well-acted by Sammy Snyders. Director Lehman effectively shows the child's abuse at the hands of his peers and how he is outcast. He is punched for wanting to join a club, called a weirdo for admiring a young girl's bike, and called a hippie by an old lady for just standing on a sidewalk. But there are the more disturbing scenes like when he talks to his Teddy and Teddy talks back! When his parents abandon him amidst his weird personality changes, he begins to fall in love with his nubile babysitter Sandy. Sandy is cherub faced and acts just as angelic with her endless patience with the weird kid. There are a variety of scenes with Jamie hitting on Sandy. He sneaks in when she showers, watches her sleep with her breast exposed (because women never notice drafts!), and makes her bath him in a tub because he is "dirty".

When he discovers the Trogs, he notices that they like fresh meat. He begins buying meat wherever he can get it and then turns to people when the money runs out. Soon he is luring random "mean" people into the woods and then into the pit. He even hijacks an old lady in a wheelchair and pushes her through the city, through the woods, into the pit, and then the cruises around in her wheelchair after.

There is a cute scene where he has exhausted his resources meat-wise and must feed the Trogs. He attempts to kidnap a cow, but it won't budge. He talks to it and tries to convince it that it will die anyway, so might as well be for his friends. It doesn't work by the way.

Jamie begins to run into trouble when a pesky librarian notices his penchant for art (nudes) and animal husbandry (carnivores). One scene of interest would be when he sneaks to her house, phones in as a man that kidnapped her daughter, and makes her strip in front of the window for him to take pictures! Produced by Amulet Pictures, it clocks in at a solid 96 minutes with an Aspect Ratio of 1.85:1.

Weird Fact: The director's wife refused to let him shoot the nude scenes, so the screenwriter shot them instead. The only shot involving nudity that the director was allowed to film was the "skinny dipping" scene and only because the actress was his daughter. Umm, this sounds incredibly gross and creepy to me. Also, this is the only film Lehman ever directed.

Favorite Quote: An 8 year old girl asks her mom, "What is wrong with boys? Is that boy Jamie crazy? They are all the same. Always stressing." DVD Extras: Just the poster and some stills.

Bottom Line: The movie is a weird combo of a serial killer flick and a troll movie. Good acting plus the strange premise helps it to hold up well over time.

Rating: 7/10 by Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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Hellgate (1989)
6/10
Everyone, the plot included, moves in slow motion...
15 January 2007
The opening scene shows teenagers around a fireplace telling the Legend of Hellgate which started in the 1950's. When Josie goes to the local burger joint, she is captured by a biker gang (and no one tries to stop them, not even the guy idly holding a shotgun!). They take her back to town and her father kills them and his daughter by accident. When a strange crystal is discovered, the grieving father brings his daughter back to life only to have her wander the road at night to lure unsuspecting drivers to the ghost town.

The present-day teenagers decide they must go to this ghost town because Matt (Ron Palillo. Yes, of Welcome Back Kotter fame) is not done cheating on his loving girlfriend with the ghost he met on the road. So the two couples head to the ghost town to get harassed by ghosts, zombies, and that darn kooky father.

The dialogue is funny as hell as it is outdated and the characters repeatedly curse at each other. The camera angles are a bit annoying at times and some scenes appear shot at 20 feet away from the actors. I would have preferred more close ups, so I can see what is going on within a scene that involves multiple characters. Plus I am sure the guys would like a closer look at the boobage when it appears as though the DP was hiding behind something for fear of seeing a naked woman.

Speaking of which, the "hot" teenager Josie ghost is a 30something anorexic with breast implants fighting to get out of her chest so badly that they have migrated towards her armpits. She strikes weird poses for no apparent reason. Like bending over and then just freezing like that as though it would interest me in some way. Well, I did giggle a little… My favorite part is when one of the teenage girls gets so scared of the zombies outside that she decides to stay alone in the ghost town saloon to get drunk and watch an impromptu can-can dance by ghosts. It ends on the beautiful image of the can-canners spiraling in a circle in slo-mo with a parade of screams.

Clocks in at nicely trimmed 91 minutes. The sound was okay and the soundtrack sported played oldies classics. SFX includes, albeit mild versions of, melting faces, exploding bodies, undead animals, finger chopping, a beheading, a man set on fire, and some zombies.

Weird Fact: Director Levey also directed Blackenstein (1973).

Favorite Quote: Josie (with a serious speech impediment), "I want-ted-ded him. I really want-ted him." DVD Extras: None! Bottom Line: While there are ghosts and zombies, none of this is scary. Everyone, the plot included, moves in slow motion. There are a few noteworthy scenes, but The Pit is the stronger of the two movies.

Rating: 6/10 by Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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9/10
Highly recommended for a completist of the Video Nasty era. This is one of the better banned films
27 December 2006
Island of Death 1975 (Unrated Collectors Edition 2003) – Directed by Nico Mastorakis Island of Death is one of the famed Video Nasties and was long banned. It was rejected in 1987 in the UK. It was later cut by 13 minutes and resubmitted as Psychic Killer 2 and still rejected. It eventually passed as Certificate 18 in 2002 with over 4 minutes of cuts. The uncut region 0 DVD is now available in the US at Amazon and their official website www.IslandofDeath.com.

The simple plot is this- A British couple, Christopher and Celia, visit an island in Greece on vacation. Unbeknownst to their hosts, they are sexual deviants that terrorize the townies. Celia begins to feel guilty for their crimes and begs Chris to stop. He refuses and spirals out of control, eventually leading to his own demise.

Chris is a psychopath. He has violent urges, paranoid delusions, and is a compulsive liar. His first crime is to rape a goat, then kill it as if to kill his urge and erase him crime. He also concocts reasons for every one of his crimes such as someone being a whore, homosexual, bitch, but his favorite is "pervert". Ultimately, he is a hypocrite preaching punishment for sexual perversion when he does the same. Celia can be viewed as a victim. She is constantly dragged around on his looney binges and is abused by her partner as well. (This bares striking resemblance to the Ken and Barbie murders in the 1990's Canada).

When Celia cheats on Chris with a local painter, she resorts to a childlike state where she cries and sucks her thumb. When Chris crucifies the man with nails and drowns him with paint, she photographs it.

Pretty much no one is off limits here. A gay couple is slaughtered. Animals are killed. A religious man is crucified. A Black man is called "nigger" and hung to death similar to a lynching. Rape, sodomy, stabbings, shootings, and hangings abound.

Ultimately, the film is not that graphic. Anyone looking for extreme gore will be disappointed. What makes the film so horrific is the couple's nonchalant attitudes towards their crimes. They are the embodiment of everything ugly in all humans and yet suffer from incredibly childlike and innocent behavior. It was almost as though director Mastorakis ripped headlines from a newspaper and exaggerated what he sees as society's hatred for others. Chris in particular is racist, sexist, and a homophobe. What makes this discovery especially frightening is that this couple could be anyone on the street including you. They do normal activities and are open about their feelings. It is just that they take it a step further and act on impulse.

There are scenes of romance and intrigue sprinkled throughout their crime spree. After a night killing, they wake up refreshed with a big appetite and enjoy the fresh island air. They plan their sightseeing for the day just as any other couple would. I look at this as a deranged Bonnie & Clyde loose in Greece with plenty of softcore scenes and bits of violence here and there. While their actions are hideous in nature, they are not shown as graphically as you would think. (Director Mastorakis was also his own DP and creatively made up the SFX as they went along which might explain the lack of gore).

Some of the terrible crimes are undercut with funny moments though. There is a hilarious scene where they go off on a romantic bike ride together and sweet music plays. But then the song degenerates into men screaming, "Get the sword. Kill them all" in a weird nod to the "Row, row your boat" 3 Part Round Song.

But all fun must come to an end. Eventually, they find themselves on the run from the law and the nightmares Celia had foreshadowing their fate come true. As they find a hideout with a Shepard, Chris says, "This Island is for the Innocents," but soon finds out he was very, very wrong. The ending is sick and twisted and made my jaw drop. It was the perfect culmination of human degradation and betrayal and I loved how all the nastiness came together seamlessly.

Released by Image Entertainment, the DVD is presented in Dolby Digital sound. The music was especially effective and the lyrics are downright depressing. My only complaint is that the film clocks in at 108mins (just under 2 hours). At times the film does seem a bit slow, but I think it is necessary to show normal couple activities mixed with disgusting behavior to get the point across.

Favorite Quote: Gay man being chased, "Please, I believe in God." Chris replies, "I'm sorry friend, but he doesn't believe in you." DVD Extras: 3 songs played to a Still Gallery and a very intriguing interview with Direcor Mastorakis where in he states that he was "appalled by the violence in Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and that he made Island for money because "perversion helps foreign sales." I really like how he acts like an accidental accomplice to the movie he created (wrote, directed, shot, edited, and acted in as the Mystery Writer).

Mastorakis gives great comments on censorship (the UK is a totalitarian government) and bestiality (this is a part of life). The lead actor playing Chris was a model and is described as disturbed. He later killed himself.

For more info, visit www.IslandofDeath.com or buy it from Amazon for $18.99.

Bottom Line: Highly recommended for a completist of the Video Nasty era. This is one of the better banned films. Anyone looking for extreme gore should turn to Cannibal Holocaust though.

Rating: 9/10 Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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The Dead Pit (1989)
7/10
A must see for Leonard fans interested in his filmography
27 December 2006
The Dead Pit 1989 (*VHS "R") – Directed by Brett Leonard An evil doctor that experiments on his mentally ill patients is entombed in the basement of an abandoned wing. 20 years later, an amnesia patient known only as Jane Doe (Cheryl Lawson), arrives. An earthquake breaks the seal releasing the doctor to continue his dirty work. The dead patients also rise to wreck havoc.

The biggest complaint I heard from other reviewers was about Lawson's acting ability, which I do not think is that bad considering this is her first feature. She is not Scream Queen material though and would be better suited for a Lifetime movie. (She won acting awards for this role and has since had a long career as a stunt woman). And why is she running around in her underwear? Not only would this be considered unethical treatment for patients, but since when are bikini panties standard issue? She would be wearing granny undies. One size fits all… This movie suspiciously looks a lot like Nightmare on Elm Street, which was released 5 years prior to this. Our Jane Doe looks identical to Elm Street's heroine Nancy Thompson. And the scenes where she is running in a dreamlike state evading the evil man in her dreams… But what really made me take notice was the scene where she is following her recently deceased friend only to be lead to Freddy, uhhh….I mean the evil doctor.

This venture was a bit disappointing for director Leonard (Lawnmower Man, Feed) especially considering he co-wrote the script. There are a few script problems that should have been tweaked during script rewrites. Why do the doctors and nurses speak to patients like best friends? If there is limited funding for this mental institute, then why do they admit someone with amnesia and other minor illnesses? How likely is it that not one, but two patients are snooping around and solving mysteries? The biggest problem is that I guessed the surprise ending early on in the film.

And while the film touches on controversial subjects like performing illegal lobotomies on patients, but never digs deep enough to leave a lasting impression on the viewer. There were a few scenes cut from the R rated version I watched such as an open brain surgery. Hopefully these scenes will be added in the upcoming DVD release.

What stands out in the film are the top notch special effects provided by Ed Martinez. The zombies were the most exciting part of the movie although they come late at the 67 minute mark. You know the fun starts once the zombies emerge from the dead pit bald, rotting, and slimy. The patients later learn that a little bit of holy water goes a long way and we are treated to many melting faces.

My favorite scene was toward the end when the "good" doctor (played by the late Jeremy Slate) walks down a hall hearing this disgusting gurgling, choking noise. When he enters the bathroom, it is covered with blood and the nurse walks towards him looking not so hot at the moment.

Overall, I think they didn't try hard enough in the first part of the movie. With 2 writers on board, they should have been able to make a clever script with cool dialogue. They have a mental institution, a nun, amnesia, zombies, etc and they still struggled to make it interesting. Maybe they could have shown the orderlies and nurses being abusive towards the patients to make the first half of the film more dramatic and the zombies killing them in the second half bittersweet. Or why not add more religious themes since they had the nun patient blessing holy water? And if they insist on making Jane run around in panties, then why not sleaze it up to make it more fun? There were several different directions this film could have gone, but seemed to just tiptoe around the subjects instead of tackling them head on.

Favorite Quote: None. The dialogue was lackluster. And shamefully, it wasn't even goofy enough to make me laugh.

Extras: *This was the VHS version with no extras other than a few trailers at the beginning. (It won "The Best Video Box of the Year" by Entertainment magazine when it was first released). A special DVD release is in the process now with SFX artist Ed Martinez providing commentary and SFX extras. Commentary has already been recorded with director Brett Leonard, producer Gimel Everett, and the late actor Jeremy Slate. See the Ed Martinez Interview with HorrorYearbook for details.

To hear about the upcoming The Dead Pit DVD release and the unfortunate passing of actor Jeremy Slate, read distributor Code Red's Blog here: http://www.codereddvd.com/nublog/.

Bottom Line: A must see for Leonard fans interested in his filmography. Has some noteworthy scenes, but fails to be controversial or very scary.

Rating: 7/10 Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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8/10
A very original and complicated story presented in a frustrating format
20 December 2006
Infernal Affairs (2002) Rated R, Media Asia – Directed by Wai Keung Lau & Siu Fai Mak

Shawn Yue plays a young police officer who gets pulled out of the academy to become an undercover as a mole in the local mafia. Edison Chen plays a young mafia member who is infiltrating the police force by joining the academy. Years later, their older counterparts (played by Tony Leung and Andy Lau respectively) race against time to expose the mole within their midst and destroy him.

What is unique about this film (other than exposing corruption within our law enforcement) is that both men become so absorbed in their roles that they forget who they are. It becomes painful for them to continue the charade even when their bosses give accolades for their work. In the end, each longs to switch back and be in the other's place.

This film isn't just a thriller and a race to see who will win. Ultimately, despite the end results, no one is a winner here. The film deals with the importance of honesty and identity. Ideally, if a person is honest with themselves and others around them, they can at least be at peace with who they are regardless of their place in life. Policeman or gangster; neither is a perfect life when none of it is true.

I enjoyed the parallels between both men living different lives with both feeling lonely and trapped. The wife writing the story about a man with multiple personalities mimics the secret life of her hardworking "cop" husband.

I think this is a topnotch story, however, it suffers from so many technicalities. One case in point, is the music. During one of the most dramatic scenes, they show an integral person die and then cue ridiculous, soap opera-type Chinese music. And I laughed. I do not think that was their intention, but that is what happened.

The title itself doesn't make much sense. "Infernal" means damnable and "Damnable Affairs" is a mediocre title at best. It should have been aptly titled "Internal Affairs". "Internal" meaning it was dealing with law enforcement and gang activity by penetrating their defenses internally while the film subtly examines the internal effects of changing a person's external attributes such as name, career, family, appearance, etc., but I digress…

The love story between the gangster and the psychiatrist feels underdeveloped. She is on screen for all of 5 seconds and I cannot figure out why either loves the other without any disclosure of their personalities, likes, or dislikes. How did they connect on any level? This makes her action/reaction at the ending a bit corny and nonsensical.

The sound (Dolby Digital 5.1) and film quality are good, but there is a huge problem with the subtitles. The film only offers Cantonese and Mandarin as the languages with no English dubs. The English subtitles flash quickly across the screen, so not only do I have to use my speed reading abilities to catch every word, I have to use my magical mental powers to also catch every action on screen and determine who is who in a film where the actors all look alike, swap places, and age many years. This gave me a migraine and I had to rewind several times since I missed a lot of the dialogue. This is a real shame. I think this took away from the viewing experience and the wonderful story that unfolded at lightening speed toward the end. I felt cheated.

They need to re-release this film dubbed in English with better subtitles. Even the DVD cover (Miramax Version) makes no sense as it features a woman pointing a gun that isn't even in the film (!). If all of the flaws mentioned above were fixed, I could have easily have given this a Perfect 10. But alas, all is not well and it did not earn a 10.

Favorite Quote: Wife in response to her story about a man with multiply personalities, "I can't finish my story. Even though he is a good guy, he has done bad things. How do you think it should end?" Husband replies, "That is a good question…"

DVD Extras: Disc 2 features (only in Chinese of course) the Story, Behind the Scenes, a Music Video, a Making of Featurette, Trailers, More Attractions, Cast Credits & Bios, Photo Gallery, and 1 hidden Easter Egg of Bloopers. Media Asia version is missing the Alternate Ending featured on the Miramax Home Entertainment version.

Bottom Line: A very original and complicated story presented in a frustrating format.

Rating: 8/10

Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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7/10
A good tale centered on a strong female with great direction from the director..
20 December 2006
Showtime's Masters of Horror: "Incident On and Off a Mountain Road" (2005, DVD) – Directed by Don Coscarelli Ellen (Bree Turner) finds herself struggling for survival while hunted in the woods by Moonface. As her abusive relationship with her husband Bruce unfolds on screen via flashbacks, she turns the tables on Moonface in a variation of "the survival of the fittest".

Directed by Coscarelli (Phantasm) from a script by Stephen Romano, which was adapted from a short story by Joe R. Lansdale. Angus Scrimm provides comic relief as Buddy the lovably goofy old man chained in the basement. And Ethan Embry gives a solid performance as Bruce, the psychotic and loving husband to Ellen. I didn't care to much for Turner though with her pouty, cutesy faces (I swear at one point her face silently screamed "Please, look at me. Anyone. Tell me I'm pretty!"), but I could easily look past that when she was kicking major butt.

I have to say it is refreshing to finally see a heroine on screen that would live up to my standards. There are no screaming bimbos begging for mercy here. No cheap shot nude exploitation scenes. I always wondered where the ass kicking, gun shooting, levelheaded women are in cinema and I found one of them here. Not all women are weak in reality, so they shouldn't be portrayed as such on screen. Kudos to the men behind this that give women the respect they deserve.

Where things get weak is toward the end. I think they should have shaved off the last few minutes where it delved into corniness. There was way too much talking when it is not necessary; the actor's actions spoke loud enough. But my biggest problem was the ending's assumption that a few moments of abuse could turn a weak person into a cold, calculating serial killer. That is a bit far fetched. She may have been tough and she may have been unhinged, but that doesn't make her a serial killer. Simple Psych 101 – We do not make serial killers they are born and raised.

There was also an unnecessary rape scene (not graphic, so don't get excited). This held no purpose and when I listened to the commentary, not only did all three of the grown men completely ignore the subject matter, but they changed the topic to another scene!?! The main problem in this scene is when Bruce calls Ellen a "whore". Nowhere in the previous scenes does he come across as sexually aggressive or abusive towards her or sexually uptight. It seemed out of character and odd. It would have made more sense if they had a fistfight since he was training her to defend herself especially considering he previously made her attack him with a knife to see if she could cut him.

Presented in Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround sound. The SFX were okay, but minimal. There were a few instances of blood and the scarecrow corpses looked great. And of course, the direction and camera-work are top notch. Coscarelli and DP capture close-ups and tight shots that make the characters just pop off the screen.

DVD Extras: All MoH Trailers, Interviews with actors Ethan Embry & John De Santis, Commentary with Coscarelli, Romano, & Lansdale, a DVD-ROM featuring the screenplay, and more.

Favorite Quote: Buddy, "I have been waiting for you. Well, waiting for someone, so it might as well be you." Bottom Line: A good tale centered on a strong female with great direction from the director that brought you Phantasm and Bubba Ho-tep. But if you are looking for extreme gore or scares, look elsewhere.

Rating: 6.5/10 Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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7/10
Refreshingly original take on the Vampire subgenre
27 November 2006
After giving up his cravings and murdering his own girlfriend, Vic joins Vampires Anonymous to try and kick the habit. He relocates, goes through a 12-step program, and survives off sheep blood. Things get complicated when the locals complain about their dwindling sheep flocks. A would-be cop named Diesel starts investigating the strange occurrences, while a corporate vampire hunter closes in on Vic as well.

Generally, I do not like vampire films because they seem to copy one another and are rarely ever scary. And while this one wasn't scary by any means, it was at least interesting by putting a new spin on an old subgenre. This featured a clever script with many in-jokes. I particularly liked the parallels of Vic's hunger for blood and Diesel's need for alcohol. These urges hold back both characters in different ways. Whether either character can overcome their flaws affects the outcome of the film.

There is a lot of fun to be had here too. Michael Madsen plays Geno, Vic's program partner and confidante. Neil D'Monte plays Juan Rodrigo, a lovelorn vampire, doing a spot-on impression of Antonio Banderas. Small animals are "snack food" at the VA meetings, Vic reads "CosmoVamp" magazine, vampires get silicone poisoning after biting Swedish Bikini girls with breast implants, and while attempting to bleed a sheep, Vic is mistaken for a sheep f*cker by a redneck farmer.

The ending culminates into a cool showdown with Vic, his lady, and the vampire hunter running through a haunted house. It was pretty funny watching them push around the clueless people that mistook them for either employees using fake scare tactics or customers looking for some scares.

The sound and film quality were pretty good. They used several real animals like mice, birds, and sheep. The SFX were good when used. However, this was a comedy, so there was minimal gore. The vampire teeth looked realistic as opposed to the plastic ones I have seen used in other films.

Favorite Quote: Vic to Maggie, "It's because I'm a vampire, isn't it? Are you afraid they won't let you in the sorority? Afraid they'll whisper, There goes the vampire-f*cker?" DVD Extras: Sadly, there were none! Only Scene Selections all by it's lonesome. I suggest a Special Edition re-release featuring commentary and Behind the Scenes footage.

Bottom Line: Refreshingly original take on the Vampire subgenre. Huge on laughs, but lacking in scares.

Rating: 7/10 Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com
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The Hamiltons (2006)
7/10
The Hamiltons is a thinking person's "horror" film with a slow pace.
22 November 2006
The Hamiltons 2005 (Theatrical "R", After Dark Horrorfest) – Directed by The Butcher Brothers, Winner of the Santa Barbara Intl Film Festival and the Malibu Film Festivals.

The Hamiltons are an unusual family that recent lost their parents. The family now consists of older brother David, who is struggling with his homosexuality and the pressures of running the household, the twins Darlene & Wendell, who are devious troublemakers, and younger brother Francis, who is coming to terms with his family and his place in the world.

The film starts out explaining that The Hamiltons siblings recently lost their parents and they have moved several times within the past couple of years. Twin Wendell soon kidnaps two young girls and it becomes apparent that The Hamiltons are not as they seem. Sensitive Francis grows weary of their ways, but is scared to be alone. Does he decide to do the right thing or stick by his family no matter what?

This is not by any means a typical horror film, but a thinking person's horror film. Those looking for gore and scares will be disappointed. It has an original story with great dialogue showcasing real problems within every family. It is ultimately a very accurate portrayal of a real family dealing with growing pains that features a slight twist at the end. During the end scene, you hear Francis giving a creepy voice-over almost giving it a documentary feel.

Cory Knauf gives a solid performance as Francis, the young man that has so much to say, but cannot. He really shows how torn Francis was in his decision and the isolation felt by many teens struggling to find their place as they hit adulthood. Mackenzie Firgens gives a great turn as twin Darlene who is vicious and sexy at the same time. You will love the scene where she chases Kitty through the house. (And maybe the one where she kisses her own brother!?!)

My only quibble is there is minimal gore and violence. During violent interactions, the camera turns away, so very little is caught on film. There is also an opening scene with Brittany Daniel that looked frightening at first, but there were some jittery camera movements and it fizzled with no pay out.

Bottom Line: The Hamiltons is a subtle "horror" film with a slow pace. This is more of a thinking man's (or woman's) horror film. Gorehounds should pass.

Rating: 7/10

Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com MySpace.com/HorrorYearbook
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The Convent (2000)
7/10
A very goofy, fun film with lots of gore. Reminiscent of Night of the Demons or The Evil Dead.
22 November 2006
A group of college students (cheerleader, goth, stoner, jock, virgin) decide to visit the old convent that was shut down due to a nasty incident that occurred. The goth chick, Mo, is captured by wannabe devil worshipers and they unwittingly unleash demons. As demons take over the bodies of nice girl Clorissa's boyfriend and friends, only Adult Christine (played awesomely well by Adrienne Barbeau) can stop them.

The opening scene sums up what is to follow. A beautiful babe in a school girl outfit and leather jacket with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth slaughters nuns and priests with a baseball bat, shotgun, and matches while "You Don't Own Me" plays. If you like this sequence, you will like the rest. Nuttiness ensues involving drugs, virgin sacrifices, forced abortions, gay Satanists, ditzy cheerleaders, and a pugnacious pug. Oh, and Coolio and Bill Moseley make appearances as no-good coppers.

It should be noted that this is one of the earlier works from The Gravedancers director, Mike Mendez and won the Audience Award at Fantafestival.

I have to say that my favorite scene (other than the opening) was set to the song "Dreamweaver" where stoner Biff gets high off shrooms and weed, hears Jesus talking to him, and tries unsuccessfully to mate with a demon.

There were incredibly likable characters you watched run around. Goth chick Mo (also in The Gravedancers) is adorable, Stoner dude Biff was hilarious, and Young/ Adult Christine oozed coolness. Unfortunately, none of these great characters get more than a half hour screen time. Instead, we are stuck with the good girl Clorissa.

As for the religious undertones, or in this case, way overtones, it is not preachy or sacrilegious. Mendez comes across as showing what is scary about the idea of having to conform within the confines of a convent.

I saw that the SFX received bad comments in other reviews, but I felt was okay overall. The make-up was a tad silly in some parts like glow in the dark veins and neon blood. However, the prosthetics used to raise the demons foreheads looked realistic and the "blood shower" scene was cool. The "Antichrist birth" scene was especially good considering this was low budget and it was only on screen for about one minute.

Favorite Quote: Satanist asks, "Are you the spawn of the Devil?" Nerd replies, "No, I'm a Lambda."… Or when Clorissa says, "My brother's going to be the next Antichrist? Mom's gonna be pi*ssed." DVD Extras: Audio Options (inc. Spanish Subtitles), Commentary, Behind the Scenes, 1 Deleted short Scene, and "Gore on Demand" which showed the death scenes up close and in slow motion.

Bottom Line: A very goofy, fun film with lots of gore. Reminiscent of Night of the Demons or The Evil Dead.

Rating: 7/10

Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com MySpace.com/HorrorYearbook
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8/10
Great scares, great laughs. Not to be taken too seriously, but you will have a blast.
22 November 2006
Warning: Spoilers
The Gravedancers 2005 (Theatrical "R", After Dark Horrorfest) – Directed by Mike Mendez

After a solemn funeral, 3 friends, Harris, Kira, and Sid, decide to visit the graveyard, read a curse from a card on a tombstone, and then dance on 3 graves. The 3 ghosts then come back to torture their respective dancers for a month after which they will be "put to rest".

Where to start? This film is an odd mixture of clichéd ghost scares and laugh out loud bizarre scenes, while also supplying one of the scariest images I have seen in years. The plot, characters, and dialogue are wildly uneven and rarely make any sense. The haunting starts off slow and boring with the run of the mill scares such as loud plumbing, strange voices, and a piano that plays by itself. But just when I was about to nod off, they come at me with one of the scariest ghosts I have ever seen. (It was this image in the trailer that made this my must-see pick for the Horrorfest).

The 3 friends decide to meet up with paranormal experts who then figure out that they desecrated burial grounds, unleashed a curse, and must find a way to reverse it. Each of the 3 friends is stalked by their own ghost from the "Condemned" lot of the graveyard. Harris & wife Allison are stalked by the ghost of a woman who axe murdered her lover and his wife. Friend Sid is stalked by a child pyromaniac. And Kira, the unluckiest of the bunch, is stalked by a serial murderer/rapist/torturer.

What really makes this film worthwhile is the final showdown in the house with all 3 ghosts attacking at once. Again, the axe murdering ghost gives a horrific performance that had me pressed hard against my seat and clutching my jacket tight. I recommend seeing the film just for this part alone.

The film then culminates into one of the goofiest resolutions ever put on celluloid. The audience was howling with laughter. A hummer driving through 5 walls in a building? Check. A gigantic head chasing people? Check. Throwing skulls like footballs? Double Check.

Overall, the SFX varied at times. In some spots, the blood and bruises looked realistic, but there were some unbelievable CGI moments. Also, I noticed the wire spots where the ghost was hanging from in some scenes.

Favorite Quote: When a woman gets her throat slit open, squirts blood, and dies, the woman next to her says, "I think she's losing too much blood."

Bottom Line: Great scares, great laughs. Not to be taken too seriously, but you will have a blast.

Rating: 8/10

Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com MySpace.com/HorrorYearbook
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7/10
This is a good start for people wanting to venture into the Troma world
16 November 2006
Toxic Avenger 21st Anniversary Ed. 2 Disc Set 2005 (Unrated), Original Release 1986

Bullies torment innocent Melvin Junko, the janitor at a Health Club. After he falls into toxic waste, he returns to kill the evildoers as the Toxic Avenger. Along the way, he falls in love with a blind girl, angers citizens, and has the Mayor try to kill him.

The opening of the film has preachy narration about pollution and toxic waste, which would make an astute viewer think that Yale grad, Uncle Lloydy, was actually trying to say something here. The film has many scenes of violence and I can understand the controversy. But all of that is undercut by sheer lunacy and it is hard to take this seriously.

No one is off limits here: Blacks, Jews, Gays, children, the blind, obese people, the elderly, and midgets. There is even a gay gangster named Nipples. You will see a seeing eye dog shot, a blind girl almost raped, and an old lady beat to death by own her cane. Oh, and there was that young boy that was run over repeatedly while trying to crawl away for help. And that girl in the sauna? Yes, she is masturbating to pictures of the dead boy. Sadistic, enough?

The comedy is plentiful though. The first scenes with goofy Melvin and the bimbos and lugheads are hilarious. The theme song "Body Talk" had me singing along. And then there is the "Healthy Troma" billboard prominently displayed throughout the movie featuring a portly Mayor.

The one scene that was borderline difficult to watch was the restaurant hold up. The guy in the make-up looked like a scary clown and tormented the people innocently sitting there. He shoots the blind girl's seeing eye dog and his Black accomplice attempts to rape her. Of course, before things veer into really nasty territory, Toxie saves the day and lands himself a clumsy girlfriend that cooks with Draino.

The special effects are awesome considering there was no budget. I heard they used watermelons and spaghetti to make some of the effects, but I couldn't tell. Toxie sounded incredibly weird though. I thought maybe this was voice-over work done later since the actor was in make-up and couldn't move his face. Or maybe it was intentional. Either way it added to my enjoyment.

Favorite Quote: A cop says to a young boy, "Johnny, You can't just walk around doing what is right."

DVD Extras: "Intro & Outro", Chapter Selection, Interviews with Director, 3 Actors, and Toxie, Deleted Scenes, and "Where in the World is Toxie?" showing clips from around the world including the Fantasia Film Fest.

Bonus Disc: "Fan Submissions" has testimonials from fans including wrestler Blade and films/ music videos by fans. "Toxic Avenger the Musikill" is a live stage play with the film in the background similar to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The Extras include several Trailers, Troma Commercial, and Make Your Own Damn Movie info.

Bottom Line: A must own for Tromans. This is a good start for other people wanting to venture into the Troma world.

Rating: 7/10

Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com MySpace.com/HorrorYearbook
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Santa's Slay (2005)
7/10
Good for some laughs. Best viewing with friends and beer.
16 November 2006
It turns out there were 2 Immaculate Conceptions: One was Jesus and one was Santa Claus. One day, Santa loses a bet with an angel and must play nice for 1000 years (this part was told in stop motion animation). Well, his punishment is up and he's here to wreck havoc. Only an old inventor, his grandson "Nicholas Yuleson", and girlfriend "Mary" (played by Emilie de Ravin) can stop him.

This film takes a fun look at the Holidays with the blackest of black humor. It opens with Chris Kattan, Rebecca Gayheart, Fran Drescher, and James Caan getting slaughtered by Santa. There are countless of other cameos strewn throughout the movie. Oh, and did I mention that WWE wrestler Bill Goldberg is playing Santa and doing his own stunts? And that Brett Ratner (Rush Hour 1-3, X-Men 3) produced this?

There is much fun to be had here such as Santa beating up Christmas Carolers, kids running from Santa on snow mobiles, and a Jew holding up the Star of David to Santa (similar to a cross to a Vampire) in hopes his faith would save him. You will see a candy cane in the eye, a Christmas star in the back, Santa's sleigh getting valet parking, and some Ho-Ho-Hoes in stripper attire.

The production values were very high and it looks as though it was shot on 35mm. They had great props like a Santa's Slay driven by a yak/ buffalo (?). The sound varied a bit during dialogue-heavy and action-heavy scenes, which caused me to raise and then lower the volume a few times.

I only have two minor gripes. While there is a high body count, they skimp on the gore. The film overall is more comedic than scary, so Gorehounds will not be as amused.

Another thing was girlfriend Mary's personality inconsistencies. (Yes, I pay attention to character development even in horror films). They show her as a strong woman driving a big truck, shooting guns, and putting her boyfriend's hands on her breasts. But once Santa arrives, she can only whine about how scared she is. She even pulls out the Stupid Card by stopping dead in her tracks while in the middle of a getaway to talk to her boyfriend about her feelings.

Favorite Quote: A few good ones, but my favorite was when Nicholas shines a flashlight in Santa's eyes temporarily blinding him and Santa yells, "I'm Santa Claus, not f*cking Dracula!"

DVD Extras: Scene Selection, Audio Set Up, Deleted Scenes, Casting, "Taking the Reins" (Steiman's First Film), 2 Easter Eggs (one features 6 trailers), and of course Commentary with the Director and Producer. This explained how Goldberg met his wife. She was a stunt double for the trapeze stripper in pasties whose crotch his face was buried in for 4 days. Duh. How else would they have fallen in love?

Bottom Line: Good for some laughs, but minimal gores/sex. Best viewing with friends and beer.

Rating: 7/10

Molly Celaschi www.HorrorYearbook.com MySpace.com/HorrorYearbook
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