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United Passions (2014)
90% Funded by FIFA? Who on earth paid the other 10%????
Why on earth was this film ever made? Who did they think would care? Apparently 90% of the budget was supplied by FIFA, which just leaves me wondering who the hell put up the other 10%.
By turns hilarious and nauseating, this shining great turd of a self-congratulatory vanity project is so ridiculous that if someone had told me it was a parody, I would have believed them. It's the kind of movie that makes you want to hurt members of your own family just to give you an excuse to stop watching.
It tells the 'story' of those unsung heroes of the world, FOOTBALL FAT CATS. Who, apparently, are all saints. Why? Just because. Don't argue. And they're ENTITLED to luxury goddammit, because they're making dreams come true. It just so happens that the dreams are their own, and those dreams consist of drinking champagne and private jets and staying in luxury hotels - yes, in a multi-million dollar movie starring famous and respected actors, this film literally has the cheek to include not one, but many lines of dialogue attempting to justify football officials indulging themselves.
Sepp Blatter, cast as a sort of modern day crusader (presumably by himself, I can't imagine why anyone else would have), played by Tim Roth, is given close-ups and swelling emotional incidental music as if he is some kind of hero, but nobody, least of all the filmmakers, seems to have any idea why.
It's honestly like a propaganda film biography of el presidente designed to encourage the cult of personality in some tinpot banana republic. ('Look, he pays the wages out of his own pocket when all others around him are corrupt! He is such a man of the people that he knows the cleaning lady's name!')
It ends up just being bizarre, and you feel sorry for pretty much everyone involved with it. Also, weirdly, this film portrays all English people as racist, sexist, stuck-up tossers. Why? Is it coz they wouldn't join FIFA's gentleman's club 100 years ago? Seems a little petty.
Body of Evidence (1993)
80 minutes of dreck, plus the 10 hottest minutes in the history of cinema.
Is it against the law to shag someone to death ? Madonna plays the shagger, and Willem Dafoe her lawyer and shaggee.
There is one glaring plot hole at the very start of this movie. A detective states that the deceased was tied up at the time of his death (which he wasn't, as shown in the previous scene) and this is why they called the District Attorny. However, if that were true, then it's case closed from the get-go. Rebecca is guilty. If the victim was alive when she left, she would have untied him. If he was tied up when the body was found, she killed him. However, this issue is not mentioned again, nobody questions Rebecca about it, even though it was (apparently) the only reason the police saw fit to bring a prosecution. Anyway, let's not worry about plot integrity in a movie like this.
Some people criticised this movie for having too much sex. For me, there wasn't anywhere near enough. Why did those people watch the movie? They wanted to see Dafoe and Joe Mantegna bore each other to death in court ? (Hey, that's a point, could someone bring a prosecution against the producers of this movie if they bored someone to death ?). I watched this movie because I want to see Madonna getting jiggy.
I don't see what Rebecca has done wrong. If you were to ask me how I'd like to go out, getting shagged to death by Madonna would be my answer. Anyway, let's get on with the drama, shall we? Rebecca is arrested for murder. Frank gets Rebecca out on bail. Then, inspired by Rebecca, Frank does it with the missus. Mrs Frank tells him he was a stallion, and we all know why – he was imagining he was doing it with Rebecca. This is all about as subtle as a kick in the goolies.
There's also the wardrobe problem. Madonna doesn't do 'demure' very well – unlike Julianne Moore and Anne Archer, who pull it off nicely. Madonna is much hotter when her sexuality is right in your face (or in Dafoe's in an underground parking lot). With her clothes off, Madonna looks absolutely sensational. But wearing a grey suit and with her hair pinned up, she resembles an irritable soccer mom forced to attend a business meeting. I understand they were trying to make her look like a Hitchcock blonde for the courtroom scenes, but it didn't really work. Madonna would have been more believable to audiences as a woman who reduces men to warm jibbering puddles, if she had been allowed to show off her curves. With her hair down and wearing that slinky silk dress, I can buy guys queueing up to throw their lives away for the chance of a night with her, but looking like she does for 80% of this movie, really doesn't do any favours selling her as a sex siren.
There's some courtroom waffle, then we get to the first sex scene, where Rebecca pins Frank's elbows behind his back with his own belt, then pours hot candle wax on his cock while he has to look on helplessly. I really don't understand people's problem with this scene. I think it's incredible. A sex goddess, whom you don't trust, suddenly has you butt-naked, tied up, and totally at her mercy. You don't know if she's going to torture you or ride you like a horse (both, as it turns out). How is that not the hottest thing imaginable? I know that Madonna received some criticism for not looking like her character was enjoying herself, but that's deliberate, she's supposed to be an ice-cold bitch, so being aloof is a prerequisite. Personally, I thought her mocking little smirks and chuckles at Frank's lust and desperation were great. The inference in this scene is obvious – in the courtroom, where Frank knows what's what, he's in charge. In the bedroom, where Rebecca is the expert, she shows him who's boss.
The second sex scene, where Rebecca decides to give Frank a reward for being an obedient little doggy, is rather tame. It could've generated a lot more heat – Frank, overcome with lust, gratefully accepts that he's Rebecca's sex slave – but as it is, they're both almost fully clothed, and it's shot in a dark and dingy parking lot. If this scene had taken place at Rebecca's house with Madonna in the buff, it would've been a lot sexier.
More courtroom 'surprises' to fast forward through. Oh, Rebecca had an affair with Frank Langela, another rich old geez, whom she also tied up with his own belt and made him beg for it. How shocking.
Then comes the most troubling sex scene. Frank's wife finds out that Rebecca has been bonking Frank senseless. So Frank handcuffs Rebecca, then butt rapes her. Errm, what? Frank is supposed to be a sympathetic 'everyman' character, but when his wife discovers that he's cheating, he doesn't blame himself like he should, but instead blames the woman who has been giving him the best sex of his life? Did I miss something? He cheats on his wife, so he sexually assaults Rebecca, and we're supposed to be cool with this? Oh, right, Rebecca's a 'femme fatale', so that's OK then, she deserves it. Having the femme fatale apparently 'enjoy' being raped is also a cowardly cop-out, if you ask me. Then, to cap it all, the next day, everything is back to normal! Rebecca is sat next to Frank, not looking the least uncomfortable. That he raped her is never even mentioned again, by either character.
Then we have a whole ton of boringness, with no further shagging, and a dull plot twist.
Apart from the sex scenes, this movie is pointless and silly, but I have to give it ten out of ten just for Madonna's incredible bod.
What did the caveman do at the weekend? He went out clubbing!
I watched this movie because I'm learning French, and because I am pathetically in love with Sara Forestier after watching 'Le Nom de Gens'.
Unfortunately, this film is bobbins. Total bobbins. It's one of those movies that makes you wonder, at what point did ANYONE think this was a good idea?
If you wish to experience how bad this movie is, simply imagine the worst episode of the X Files possible. Then have someone kick you in the balls.
Despite this movie's suckiness, I'm still in love with Sara Forestier. And I still think that Dominique Pinon has a brilliant face. I want to make a movie in which Dominique Pinon and Toby Jones play gay lovers.