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Detached irony. Always better than real humor.
3 January 2007
Full disclosure: I was born in 1967. At first the premise tickled me -- after all, if you were a teenager growing up in the age of Reagan, a trip down memory lane was worth a laugh or three. Pop Rocks, Atari and Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots? Loved 'em, not *despite* the fact they were goofy, but *because* they were goofy and silly and fun. But when VH1 decided to make the series "I Love Last Tuesday", I knew enough was enough. Goes Hal Sparks have nothing better to do than read from a teleprompter how idiotic Slinkys are? (Wait, let me check... hmmm, no. No, it appears he doesn't.) Snarky, snotty uber-hip posturing has its place, but enough already!
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So, in summation...
3 December 2006
Warning: Spoilers
******* Contains spoilers. Please skip if you have not seen the movie, or more importantly, liked it********** So, let me see if I understandwhat this movie taught me:

1. Superman was in space for five years to find out if Krypton, or at least parts of it, still existed. I'm guessing this, of course, because at no point in the movie was that ever extrapolated on. You know, we're just kinda/sorta supposed to know because he did the same thing in the comics. Don't you read the comics? No? Anyway, back story is for sissies.

2. This is supposed to be the actual sequel to the original Superman, not any of the others. No, really. Honest. So what if feckless mannequins like Brandon Routh have none of the warmth and charm of Christopher Reeve? (In fairness, three and four *should* be utterly forgotten.)

3. Speaking of sequels, isn't it great that the "writers" took it upon themselves to redo the same catchphrases and mannerisms of the original characters? Why, that wasn't lazy at all. Seriously, God knows how many script doctors and producers and marketing kids mutated this thing. It took 33 uncredited writers to come up with the Flintstones movie. The Flintstones!

4. Big deal if the merchandising whiz kids at AOL Time Warner made the red in Superman's costume some kind of bizarre burgundy. (Don't *you* salute the Burgundy, White and Blue on the flag? I know I do.)

5. Starting the series from scratch would be terrible idea. So what if Batman Begins was both a success both critically praised and financially? That doesn't prove relaunching a series actually works. It's this kind of thinking that helped the kids at AOL Time Warner (I refuse to let them off the hook by disavowing AOL's stench) lose almost a billion dollars a few years ago. It takes guys who are waaaaaay smarter than me to lose that amount of money. I could never do it, and I'm pretty ambitious when it comes to blowing cash.

6. That Marlon Brando is quite an actor.

7. Lois Lane: Pulitzer Prize winner, devoted mother, yet not allowed to stay up past ten o'clock on school nights. Casting 23-year old Cate Blanchett was a stroke of genius. I figure Lois must have won have won her Pulitzer when she was, what, fifteen? Say what you want about Margot Kidder's descent into utter goofiness, at least she made a believable world-weary reporter, not a little girl playing dress-up.

8. Speaking of Lois' kid, isn't it great that she and Superman had Super Rugrat? I assume he and Lois had sex again sometime after that whole Fortress of Solitude escapade. Remember, Clark's superkiss at the end of number two erased her memory. Otherwise Lois would just get preggers without any prior knowledge of how it happened. Which really ought to be a good reason not to kiss the guy, otherwise you'll forget where you parked your car. Or maybe she was seeing James Marsden at the exact same time and figured the baby was his. Wait -- does this mean she was cheating on Superman?

9. Anyway, back to Super Illegitimate Kid, who manages to kill a guy with a piano. True, the guy was a creep who had it coming, but shouldn't any child of The Man of Steel be taught that killing is very, very bad and deserves a time out?

10. Let's hear it for Supes being a paragon of virtue. Was that Clark and Jimmy drinking at a bar during work hours? It's also nice old Super Jealous found time in his busy schedule to illegally spy on Lois's home life with his X-ray vision. Just another example of the Patriot Act in action. And who's more patriotic than Mr. Burgundy, White and Blue?

11. Nice to see Lois has all the fealty of Olive Oyl. Sure, she's got a nice guy waiting for her at home, but Superman can still literally sweep her off her feet and float over the city in a loving embrace. Gee, I sure wish they did that in the 1978 version. Wait… they did?

12. Then there's Lex Luthor, with his wacky pals he met in prison. What do you want to bet he has tattoos on his body like Robert DeNiro's in Cape Fear? For five years this genius had time to plot revenge on Superman and come up with a diabolical plan for world domination, and the best he can come up with is the same real estate scheme back in 1978? (Whoops, I mean 2001. Whatever.) This guy should be selling time shares in Florida. I wish Lex gave the 'people will pay through the nose for land' speech in the 1978 version. Wait… really?? What a coincidence!

13. Lois still has a brain the size of a chick pea and stows away aboard Lex's yacht. Exactly the sort of thing an intrepid Pulitzer Prize-winning teenager would do. Luckily Lex trumps her stupidity by deciding to kidnap her and Super Ankle Biter instead of doing the logical thing and call the police for trespassing. Oh well, logic is also for sissies.

14. The last scene of Superman flying around the world was a nice touch. Golly, I sure wish they did that in the 1978 version. Wait, really? Aw, come on!

I suppose I could add more, but I'm getting an ulcer just regurgitating this offal. This isn't meant to change anyone's mind. If you loved the movie, no amount of pointing out the HUGE flaws will make a difference. But hey, a movie like this involves turning your brain off. And off and off and off.

Golly, look at the pretty special effects!
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