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The Perfect Date (I) (2019)
6/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
17 April 2019
The Perfect Date

The ideal date would be to have the other person look like the photo they had posted online.

Conversely, the escort in this romantic-comedy will look like anyone his patrons want him to.

Desperate to get into Yale, Brooks (Noah Centineo) agrees to take a fellow classmate's cousin (Laura Marano) out in exchange for a fee. Running with this idea, he enlists his IT friend to create a dating app that allows users to customize his appearance and attitude for the date. But as he racks up rendezvouses, he repulses those he loves, includes a rich girl (Camila Mendes) he's trying to impress.

While this comedy based on the novel may offer a few good zingers and pointed critiques on modern courting, it is drastically miscast and adheres to rom-com formula so rigidly that it becomes painfully predictable.

Luckily, being a teenage prostitute is good experience for your post-graduate work. Yellow Light

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Miss Bala (2019)
5/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
17 April 2019
Miss Bala

Thanks to all of the vacant space in their heads, beauty pageant contestants make for the best border mules.

Regrettably, the cartel in this action movie made the mistake of selecting a make-up artist instead.

While visiting her pageant contestant friend down south, Gloria (Gina Rodriguez) witnesses a gang shooting. But when she goes to the authorities, they take her straight to the gang responsible. Now she must run guns and money across the US border or else they will kill her friend. Meanwhile, the DEA (Anthony Mackie) is also using Gloria to gather Intel on the gang.

Featuring some of the worst dialogue ever uttered, not to mention the most banal action even scenes recorded, this needlessly convoluted adaptation of the Mexican original is all over the place and nowhere all at once.

Besides, the best way to smuggle across the US border is to label shipments: Border Wall Material. Red Light
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Glass (2019)
5/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
17 April 2019
Glass

The toughest part to having a disabled archenemy is beating up their service animal.

Fortunately, the wheelchair-bound baddie in this fantasy has support from a powerful partner.

As the split personalities of The Horde (James McAvoy) continue kidnapping victims for it's dominate persona to ravage, indestructible David (Bruce Willis) scours the city for him. Just as the two are set to face-off, both enhanced humans are apprehended then sent to a psychiatrist (Sarah Paulson) specializing in superheroes for study. Joining the analysis is the immobile psycho (Samuel L. Jackson) who was instrumental in both men's transformation.

The sequel to Split and the final chapter of the Unbreakable legacy, writer/director M. Night Shyamalan returns to the unconventional superhero genre he nurtured decades earlier. Unfortunately, his return is marred by monotonous pacing, half-ass twists and underused characters.

On the bright side, handicapped superheroes have larger bathroom stalls to change their costumes in. Red Light
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6/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
17 April 2019
The Kid Who Would be King

Anti-vaxxers will be happy to know that out of all the people killed by the black plague, no one had autism.

The modern knights in this fantasy however have been inoculated, so the disorder remains a threat.

Alex (Louis Ashbourne Serkis) fancies himself a hero, but the bullies at his school see him and his friend (Dean Chaumoo) as targets. That is, until Alex finds a mysterious sword in a construction site that turns out to be Excalibur. The re-emergence of the weapon also signals the regeneration of the sorceress Morgana (Rebecca Ferguson), who will stop at nothing to retrieve the blade.

A modern retelling of King Arthur lore, this kid-centric update starts off as a rollicking adventure, but dawdles through pointless training montages and bonding sessions. While the special effects are top-notch, the generic story is second-rate.

Furthermore, if Arthurian legend ruled modern England, even Merlin couldn't fix Brexit. Yellow Light

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Escape Room (I) (2019)
6/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
17 April 2019
Escape Room

FYI: Escape rooms are not a good activity for anyone who has been held captive before.

Fortunately, none of the participants in this horror movie are suffering PTSD yet.

An eclectic group (Deborah Ann Woll, Taylor Russell, Jay Ellis) is invited to participant in an escape room challenge for the chance to win $10,000. However, each room that the players enter has a connection to one of their pasts. The guilty party must expose the secret in order to get the combination to the lock. But with teammates dropping fast, those remaining must unmask the gamemaster before time runs out.

Piggybacking on the popularity of locked rooms and the torture horror movie craze, this low-budget ensemble does have some intense moments, but the derivative and inconclusiveness ending derails everything that came before it.

Besides, the easiest way to breakout of an escape room is to take the teenage attendant hostage. Yellow Light
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Cube (1997)
7/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
17 April 2019
Cube

If you ever find yourself in a makeshift escape room in someone's backyard chances are you've been kidnapped.

And while the participants in this sci-fi horror have been abducted, they have no clue where they are.

A cop (Maurice Dean Wint), a mathematician (Nicole de Boer), a doctor (Nicky Guadagni), an escape artist (Wayne Robson), and an architect (David Hewlett) awaken inside of a massive cube. While no one can figure out how they got there, they have deduced that the cube has infinite rooms filled with death traps. As the rooms kill, the math whiz tries to figure out the secret.

Psychologically scary but also imbued with a decent amount of gore, this dreamlike cult Canadian gem from 1997 offers very little exposition, leaving the viewer in the dark as much as the characters.

FYI: homeless people are the worst locked room contestants because they aren't motivated to escape. Green Light

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7/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
9 April 2019
A League of Their Own

Considering all the bats they've swung at their cheating husbands, baseball seems the ideal sport for women.

But that line of thinking isn't why the managers in this dramedy decided to add ladies to their roster.

With players off fighting Hitler, MLB is put on life-support. It's not until it's suggested that they start a female league that fans return. With manager Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks) in the dugout, catcher Dottie (Geena Davis) at home plate and her sister (Lori Petty) on the mound, the Rockford Peaches become darlings of the circuit.

Thanks to its colorful characters and amiable script, this adaptation of the real life women's league offers viewers an inside look at this rare act of equality - however short-lived. And while it dips into sentimentality on occasion, it just makes these players more relatable.

Furthermore, the only real difference between female and male baseball players is less ass slapping. Green Light

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6/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
9 April 2019
On the Basis of Sex

If the law treated the sexes the same than men would be able to cry their way out of speeding tickets.

However, as the solicitor in this drama can attest, the law holds fast to sexist stereotypes.

Unable to find a firm willing to hire her, Ruth Bader Ginsburg (Felicity Jones) takes a job teaching a sexual discrimination class. When presented with a case that challenges sexiest tax laws, RBG jumps at the chance to fight for the rights of a single father. Meanwhile, RBG's husband (Armie Hammer) and children provide moral support.

Focusing on a single court case instead of her entire career, this well-acted biopic about the Supreme Court Justice doesn't do the trailblazer any justice. Although mildly inspirational, it's also tedious and borders on movie-of-the-week.

And while the sexes may be equal under the law, it won't stop men from cross-dressing to get a lower bail set. Yellow Light

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6/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
9 April 2019
The Highwaymen

Robbing banks during the depression was easy because everyone was wearing a bankruptcy barrel.

Thankfully, the bandits in this drama made themselves easily identifiable by wearing normal clothing.

As Bonnie and Clyde continue their crime spree across the mid-west, the Texas Governor (Kathy Bates) reinstates retired Texas Ranger Frank Hamer (Kevin Costner) to capture the star-crossed killers. Armed with an arsenal and partnered with ex-Ranger Maney Gault (Woody Harrelson), Hamer heads to the couple's hometown in hopes their kinfolk will rat them out.

While there's no shortage of movies told from the twosome's point of view, this middling Netflix retelling is told from the law's perspective, which is more clinical in its assessment of the pair than most. The real highlight, however, is its frightening portrayal of the folk-heroes crazed fan base.

Nevertheless, proponents of gender equality will be glad to know Bonnie was shot as many times as Clyde. Yellow Light

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4/10
The Vidiot Reviews....
9 April 2019
Holmes & Watson

For criminals, the only benefit to having Sherlock Holmes on the case was that he could be easily bribed with cocaine.

However, in this comedy, the great detective is even more formidable when he has snorted nose candy.

When Holmes (Will Ferrell) and his partner Watson (John C. Reilly) discover a plot by Holmes' archenemy Professor Moriarty (Ralph Fiennes) to assassinate Queen Victoria, the unorthodox detective only has 4 days to prevent his rival's plan from occurring. But in order to do that, he must seek help from his brother (Hugh Laurie) as well as a female physician (Rebecca Hall).

Relying solely on humourless anachronisms to propel its overly simplistic story, this is not the first comedic take on the darling detective, but it is certainly the laziest and most cringe-worthy adaptation.

Incidentally, crime scene investigation was so rudimentary in the 1880s that most murders were blamed on solar eclipses. Red Light

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They Live (1988)
6/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
4 April 2019
They Live

The biggest threat facing individuals in the 1980s was retina damage from too much exposure to neon.

Luckily, the drifter in this sci-fi film has found a pair of black sunglasses to protect his peepers.

A vagabond named Nada (Roddy Piper) comes across shades that, when worn, allow the wearer to see the subliminal messages hidden in advertising subconsciously telling citizens to consume, and to obey. Worse, the sunglasses also reveal there are aliens who've been living among us in disguise. Now, Nada and his friend (Keith David) must stop the invasion before earth's resources are exhausted.

Known for its lengthy back alley brawl, as well as inspiring Shepard Fairey's Obey street artwork, John Carpenter's cult classic adaptation of the 1963 short-story still challenges viewers to question what they see, even if Piper's acting remains comical.

Thankfully nowadays, shifty advertisers and their merchandise are kept in check by Instagram influencers. Yellow Light

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The Dirt (2019)
6/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
4 April 2019
The Dirt

Eighties hair bands never had to worry about the Me Too movement because everyone thought they were women.

Fortunately, any relationships the band in this biography had with their groupies appeared consensual.

When drummer Tommy Lee (Colson Baker) gets word his favourite band has disbanded, he propositions the bass player, Nikki Six (Douglas Booth), to form a new group with him. After securing guitarist Mick Mars (Iwan Rheon) and cover band singer Vince Neil (Daniel Webber) the foursome become Mötley Crüe. Eventually landing a record deal and garnering a few hits, the glam rockers implode due to drugs.

Focusing mainly on the sex and debauchery, this montage filled adaptation of the band's notorious memoirs never goes beyond their sorted tales. Meanwhile, the acting is pitiable, the dialogue laughable and the lessons learned are contrived.

And while groupies still exist, nowadays they have to sleep with the dead lead singer's hologram. Red Light

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Vice (I) (2018)
5/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
4 April 2019
Vice

The Bush presidency was so obsessed with oil because they needed it to lubricate Dick Cheney's moving parts.

And while this biography doesn't confirm the former VP was a robot, it does address his lack of empathy.

Thanks to his wife (Amy Adams), Dick Cheney (Christian Bale) lands an internship with the Nixon administration where he becomes Donald Rumsfeld's (Steve Carell) lackey. His moral ambiguity and position at Halliburton make him the ideal running mate for George W. Bush (Sam Rockwell). However, Cheney wasn't there to play second fiddle, and after 9/11 he became the puppet-master.

Although brimming with outstanding performances, this dramedy about the former Veep is terribly one-sided. Narrated by a fictitious soldier and framed as part documentary, director Adam McKay attempts to edify viewers with misplaced humour and cartoonish depictions of non-democrats.

Incidentally, at the end of his term, Cheney was converted into a Florida voting machine. Red Light

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Bumblebee (2018)
7/10
The Vidiot Reviews....
4 April 2019
Bumblebee

When aliens are choosing which earth vehicle to transform into it's best to avoid models designed by Hitler.

Nevertheless, the automaton in this action movie opted to disguise itself as the people's car.

As the war between Autobots and Decepticons ravages their planet, the Autobots dispatch a scout (Dylan O'Brien) to find them sanctuary. Finding Earth, the scout assumes the form of a VW Beetle and is subsequently purchased by teenager Charlie (Hailee Steinfeld). It's not until she discovers her car is an alien, that Charlie also learns that the military and Decepticons are after it.

With a greater focus on characters, this prequel gives fans the original designs of the iconic 80's characters they love. A soft reboot of the Transformers franchises as well, this standalone story is more heartfelt than any of its predecessors.

Best of all, this VW Autobot can suffocate enemies with excessive carbon dioxide emissions. Green Light

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7/10
The Vidiot Reviews....
18 March 2019
Bedknobs and Broomsticks

The Allies never drafted superheroes during WWII for fear Superman would be a Nazis sympathizer.

However, instead of superpowers, this fantasy supposes magic was used to fend off the Axis.

During the Blitz, the Rawlins' children are taken to an English manor owned by Miss. Price (Angela Lansbury), a witch in-training who wishes to use magic in the war effort. Unfortunately, her correspondence course is cancelled before she can master the last spell. However, the headmaster of the witch school (David Tomlinson) informs her that the medallion she needs is on Naboombu, a mystical island populated by talking animals.

While this 1971 animated live-action Disney movie is very similar to Mary Poppins, this composite of two children's books is a tad darker than the aforementioned caregiver thanks to its war torn setting and epic award-winning special effects.

Conversely, the Americans also employed magicians during WWII, but only for USO shows. Green Light

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6/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
17 March 2019
Mary Poppins Return

The only time you really ever see your childhood nanny again is when they are on trial for sexual assault charges.

Surprisingly, the caregiver in this fantasy has returned to help a former patron who has hit hard times.

Left to rear his children after his wife's death, Michael Banks (Ben Whishaw) now lives in his family home with his sister Jane (Emily Mortimer). But with no money coming in the family faces foreclosure. Thankfully, help descends from the heavens in the form of the Banks' former au pair Mary Poppins (Emily Blunt), who, along with a lamplighter (Lin-Manuel Miranda), distract the children from their hardships.

Disney's unexpected sequel to its 1964 adaptation of the children's book pays ample tribute to the original by featuring animation and live-action sequences, but tarnishes it with lacklustre songs, a marathon running-time, and a sterner nursemaid than previous depicted.

Moreover, if Disney wants to modernize the beloved nanny than Mary Poppins should really be Hispanic. Yellow Light

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Aquaman (2018)
6/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
17 March 2019
Aquaman

The best thing about being able to communicate with fish is you can tell them not to swim up your urethra.

Conversely, the Atlantean in this fantasy is using his sway over vertebrates to claim his throne.

Years after the queen of Atlantis (Nicole Kidman) was banished for breeding with a land-dweller, her mixed-race offspring Arthur (Jason Momoa) must prevent his half-brother (Patrick Wilson) from amalgamating the seven underwater kingdoms and declaring war on the surface. But before he can do that, Arthur and warrior woman Mera (Amber Heard) must first retrieve the Trident of Neptune.

More action-adventure than superhero saga, this adaptation of the DC Comics character is all style over substance, thanks to its rudimentary plot, childish dialogue and corny villains. Nevertheless, there are some amazing special-effects and action scenes that redeem its lesser quantities.

However, when you're a water based superhero your archenemy will always be shrinkage. Yellow Light

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5/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
17 March 2019
If Beale Street Could Talk

Even if streets could talk no one would ever be able to hear them over all of the traffic.

Similarly, the pregnant woman in this drama is being drowned out because of her race.

Discovering that she is pregnant shortly after her boyfriend Fonny (Stephan James) is sent to prison for rape, Tish (KiKi Layne) vows to prove his arrest was racially motivated by the police in time for their baby's birth. Meanwhile, Tish's mother (Regina King) tracks down the victim who identified Fonny as her assailant and pleads with her to change her testimony.

Beautifully shot and scored with strong performances, this nonlinear adaptation of James Baldwin's 1970s era novel about racial inequality in New York is also very timely. However, the overall story is too rambling, while the dialogue is over-the-top and the ending unsatisfying.

Besides, police stop sending young black men to jail a long time ago. Red Light

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8/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
17 March 2019
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

Anyone could be under Spider-Man's mask; which is why it's so popular amongst bank-robbers.

However, this animated movie supposes someone else is actually slinging webs too.

When his world's Spider-Man (Chris Pine) perishes closing Kingpin's (Liev Schreiber) multiverse portal, irradiated teenager Miles (Shameik Moore) is sans mentor. That is until he realizes that not only has another Spider-Man (Jake Johnson) appeared in his dimension, but alternate versions too, including a girl (Hailee Steinfeld), a pig (John Mulaney) and a monochrome web-head (Nicolas Cage). Now Miles and his amazing friends must thwart Kingpin's second attempt at opening the gateway.

With eye-popping animation that mixes multiple mediums in with its own unique style, a diverse cast and an Oscar winning soundtrack, this spectacular interpretation hilariously honours all iterations of Spidey, while introducing a thwack more.

Plus, now that Spider-Man isn't a white male anymore his enemies can all be charged with hate crimes. Green Light

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7/10
The Vidiot Reviews....
12 March 2019
The Legend of 1900

Ocean liners are the ideal jazz venue because the audience has no means of escaping.

Conversely, the pianist in this drama is attracting passengers to his vessel.

When a ship worker finds a baby aboard the SS Virginian, he raises it as his own. But when he passes, the child - dubbed 1900 (Tim Roth) - must fend for himself. Eventually, he learns the piano and joins the vessel's orchestra - never once stepping foot on dry ground. When word of his talents reaches the mainland, famed pianist Jelly Roll Morton (Clarence Williams III) boards the Virginian to challenge him to a piano duel.

While the narrative never goes beyond the concept, and 1900's character arc is basically nonexistent, this adaptation of an Italian novel makes up for its shortfalls with dynamic direction and scorching soundtrack.

However, if the ship ever starts sinking it's probably smart to say you play the triangle. Green Light

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Green Book (2018)
7/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
12 March 2019
Green Book

The hardest part of driving through the southern US is convincing folks the internal combustion engine isn't witchcraft.

Sadly, the driver in this drama must also persuade southerners that his black passenger is human.

When nightclub bouncer Frank Vallelonga (Viggo Mortensen) is laid off, he takes a job driving around jazz pianist Don Shirley (Mahershala Ali) as he plays throughout the lower states. While the lowbrow Vallelonga and the snobbish Shirley struggle to find common ground, they eventually become friends and learn to navigate the racism embedded in the south.

Loosely based on a true story, many liberties were taken to make this interracial buddy movie more palatable to modern day audiences. And while the freedom taken can be called into question, the overall message of tolerance is inarguable, along with the strong performances.

And while having a white male driver may curtail racial violence, road rage incidents would double. Green Light

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5/10
The Vidiot Reviews....
12 March 2019
Mortal Engines

The best thing about living in a steam-punk environment is that your clothes are always wrinkle-free.

However, the engines employed in this sci-fi fantasy are used for more than pressing trousers.

After a great war, humanity lives in massive metropolises that absorb smaller outposts into their steam-powered framework. But when London consumes a mining town, it brings aboard a masked interloper, Hester (Hera Hilmar), who wants revenge on the man who killed her mother (Hugo Weaving). Luckily, she has help from a local (Robert Sheehan) and a cyborg veteran (Stephen Lang).

While the world building is a wonder to behold, the end result of this YA novel adaptation is not as breathtaking as the scenery. With lackluster performances, this perfunctory tale of revenge plays out pretty much as one would expect.

Furthermore, in a world run by engines, your city is going to be in the mechanic's shop a lot. Red Light

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6/10
Be Kind, Please Rewind
12 March 2019
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

One way to tell an inmate is a magician is if their visitors arrive with rabbits concealed up their butts.

Fortunately, the prisoner in this fantasy doesn't need contraband bunnies to breakout.

With help from his followers, dark wizard Grindelwald (Johnny Depp) escapes prison and sets out to find a powerful orphan (Ezra Miller) that can overthrow rival wizard Dumbledore (Jude Law). Meanwhile, enchanted zoologist Newt (Eddie Redmayne) has his visa reinstated by the Ministry of Magic. The only catch is he must locate the enchanted urchin before Grindelwald does.

While the SPFX continue to impress, this second chapter of the Harry Potter prequel - written by J. K. Rowling herself - is more convoluted than the initial installment. Doing away with the fantastic beasts and focusing instead on new characters sparks little magic in this flashy cash grab.

Moreover, magicians with criminal records can only work on cruise lines. Yellow Light
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6/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
6 March 2019
The Mighty McGurk

After retiring from the ring most boxers take cushy jobs as crash-test dummies.

However, the prizefighter in this drama spends his days bouncing at a dive bar.

Former heavyweight champion Slag McGurk (Wallace Beery) now works the door at Mike's (Edward Arnold) tavern. When presented with the chance to partner on Mike's latest venture, Slag jumps at the chance to help his friend ruin the Salvation Army so Mike can expand. But as he rounds up thugs to help Slag meets an orphan (Dean Stockwell) that convinces him to stand-up to Mike.

While the story of a lovable ex-fighter finding their fire in an adoring orphan isn't all that new, this 1947 take on the dynamic is an amiable attempt that has plenty of barroom brawls to whet the appetite of fight fans.

Furthermore, this film finally proves that boxing gloves are not made out of the skins of orphans. Yellow Light

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5/10
The Vidiot Reviews...
6 March 2019
Instant Family

Nowadays, no matter the type of child you adopt you can surgically altered them to look like you.

However, the couple in this dramedy has decided to allow their kids to keep their appearances.

Spurred on by her family's doubt in her, Ellie (Rose Byrne) and her husband Pete (Mark Wahlberg) move forward on adoption. With help from a foster parent group headed by quirky social workers (Octavia Spencer, Tig Notaro), Ellie and Pete welcome three Mexican-American siblings into their home. But they soon learn that raising kids, especially a teenager, isn't as easy as they thought.

Although it offers some insight into the arduous adoption process that hopefuls must endure, this modern family folly is also filled with so much potty humour that it's hard to take the darker moments all that serious.

Incidentally, adopting another nationality is the best way to show the world you're not a racist. Red Light

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