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The Predator (2018)
The good, the bad and the predator
9 November 2018
So, there is quite the mixed reviews on here I see. Now, I can only speak for myself so, if you read this then please take it at face value.

The script and editing, has problems. It really does, this is evident throughout. The best way to describe the problem is to say - if you look away from the screen for 3 seconds then you have no idea what's going on or who died (the who died then) is still reeling in my brain and I still have no idea. You'll seriously watch this not having a clue what's gone on, you'll just remember that something did happen and now something else is happening. However, there is a good movie in there, I imagine there is a 2 hour version of this where everything makes sense. And there is some great action! The deaths are the main attraction, you'll enjoy them.

My own personal gripe was Thomas Jane'seseses character being there for comedy value, personally I like the guy and think he was deserving of a more heroic role, but he made it work and was memorable so I can't complain too much.

The actual story is bland, not really much could have been done due to the franchise being as old as it is, so a lot of the writing came across very lazy and half hearted.

The humour - some was good, some felt forced, each to their own on that I guess.

Space dogs - I hate all space, vampire, monster, creature.. anything dog-like in a movie. It's very lazy and always feels generic.

Story- LOL

Nostalgia- music, some scenes, ultimately -childhood ruined. But don't let that put you off.

On a serious note, it's 'OK'. It felt as though it could have been great with a little more TLC but it scraped by and I didn't hate it.

Ps: maybe you've read this, maybe you haven't. But I've typed out this review while sat in the toilet, doing a poo.

I'm just saying...
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Jack Reacher, Mr Army Super Mega Dude-mun
28 October 2018
Trying to enjoy this film is difficult, the dialogue is like having your teeth pulled through your ears. Just the first 15 minutes is cringe after cringe after a big bucket of soggy ctinge. And it doesn't stop. Nope. Expect dialogue written like a 12 year old all the way through. I don't know if this is how it's written in the books but if so- then I'm glad I haven't read them.

Action and plot? Meh. Really basic and "bleh".

I really wish Tom Cruise would stop trying to play people over 5'8, he's convicting nobody.
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Howl (I) (2015)
45 minutes in "Do you have any tools on this train"
21 October 2018
Is probably my favourite line in this film as it gave me such a belly-laugh. A very real "duh" moment to be true.

Having said that, a film that was competently put together and with some really fun special effects, so that it's flaws of storytelling and VERY basic premise are disguised just enough for you to enjoy it.

This is a good film if you're eating takeout with a couple of beers.

As Ric Mayall once said - Bottom fish banana. Etc...
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Searching (III) (2018)
Middle of the road suspense stuff mate
14 October 2018
Not that my word is worth much on here but I'll say this. Don't listen to the overwhelming positive reviews AND don't listen to the horribly bad reviews either.

It's a basic story,, has a few plot holes but nothing too bad, and the acting is semi-decent.

If you enjoy just watching this sort of thing to try and figure it out before all is explained then it's not too bad.

Turn it on, turn off your brain and blank out for 100 minutes.
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Half decent but all over the place
7 October 2018
In one word it's 'naff' in another word 'intriguing'.

The plot does just enough to keep you watching,, and the payoff is decent (just don't watch the trailer before hand or it will be spoiled)

The characters though are awful, only 3 of them are consistent but the other 3 literally change their personality from one scene to the next, making it a bit frustrating as a viewer who dislikes lazy writing. But, there is still fun to be had here. Just go into it expecting the worst and you'll have some entertainment.

Ps; I hate kate, she was just the worst.
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The Meg (2018)
The smegladon
30 September 2018
It just is what you'd expect, only less intense and the shark only "does stuff" when the situation needs some drama, otherwise the shark will just swim around waiting for its cue.

Although I am watching it with a hangover, so this film is extra painful today
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My childhood welcome an end..
29 September 2018
...Is it basically. Let's not faff-around, absolutely non of these films suit there source material. At least the original tried.

This is a mess, no idea what's going on.

LOOK. Even if you like these films. This is a mess and complete bleh.. stop, Stop it now,, or face KSI at the next 'nobody cares match'
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Odds Are (2018)
6ft man vs 5ft wooden fence. Fence wins.
28 September 2018
22 minutes in this happens and it sets the tone perfectly. Please allow me to elaborate, a 6ft man has the heart-stopping moment of a stuggle when climbing over a feeble, wooden fence that he can look over without standing on his tippy-toes. I actually caught myself waving my hand at the screen and ranting "What are tou doing"?! And that's the LEAST ridiculous things that happens in this film.

Now, I'm not going to complain about the rest of the story or the acting or the blah blah blah.

I'm just saying that it's pretty naff and from now on, I need to find a hobby for my Friday evenings as films like this make me question my very existence.
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The Toybox (2018)
This spooky RV doesn't care if...
28 September 2018
You were on the OC or even if you were married to Charlie Sheen, it WANTS TO KILL YOU!

I'm not going to beat around any smelly bushes here. It's bad. It's REALLY bad. But, if you watch this as a comedy with a few beers, you'll have a great time. So give that a try.
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Season 10, The walking dead in one film
18 September 2018
No seriously. This film is actually more entertaining in a way. It's a low budget suspense thriller which is delivered by a decent cast but it does hit a bunch of clichés, which you will - of course, see coming a mile away and that shows down the pace somewhat when you're just waiting for the obvious to be over and done with.

All in all though, I had fun with it even with the blobs of lazy writing.

So yeah, Walking dead sucks.
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Trench 11 (2017)
Who is Rossif Sutherland??
18 September 2018
I'll be honest, I had no idea he existed and he's a Sutherland no less!

His porky stature invaded my tv screen to much confusion. From what I can tell, he is quite a capable actor, Even if I think he was a little miss-cast in this role. However, the film is quite watchable, some fantastic performances by the supporting cast is a huge plus for this film.

But I'll keep this short,, it's low budget and it shows, still watchable and doesn't get too boring, so, yeah. Watch it if you fancy. I dunno.
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Upgrade (2018)
He's not Tom Hardy.. seriously
16 September 2018
So, Logan Marshall-Green was brilliant in this, amd i say that wirh my only other memory of him being that from Prometheus - and we all know what a mess that was.

I can only speak for myself but this is a great film. It's low budget and that shows but it just adds to what makes this film impressive.

I don't want to spoil anything so just go watch it if you're feeling in the mood for a good sci-fi action flick.

Just go watch it.
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Summer of 84 (2018)
Another rehash of a rehash, it's ok though.
16 September 2018
So, of you be seen 'The Burbs, suburbia' or anything of that nature then you've seen this. The first 20 minutes of this actually had me engaged then you sit around waiting for the obvious plot points and story to play out until around the 60 minute mark. This is where things start to pick up again but, be warned, it's a series of events you've seen in every mister- can't and mouse thriller.

However, Credit where it is due. The acting is pretty solid throughout, I enjoyed the 80s feel (even though it felt a little forced) and the characters we very well flashed out and it was well paced.

This is a film you should watch when you're lookong to just switch off for a while and take in a story, don't expect anything new or innovative, it is pretty basic but Still enjoyable in its own way.
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The Rizen (2017)
I came here for Adrian Edmondson...
27 August 2018
...and what I got was 1 hour and 41 minutes of "bleh". Some films of this type are bad yet thoroughly enjoyable to watch, this is not one of them. The whole film feels as though it was shot without and rehearsals or preparation. Mate, seriously, I... I can't even talk about it any further. Watch it if you want but, meh.
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Mom and Dad (2017)
I e'ffing loved this film!
22 August 2018
Let's get right to it. Don't try and figure out the reasons behind the plot or look for any deeper meaning, this is just a straight up film about survival and it's done very well. This film sets out to make you feel uncomfortable and it does it very well, even with it's use of cinematography and music, it all adds to the experience.

Of course I can't leave without talking about Nick Cage, it's a very 'Nick Cagey' performance , but in a good way.

Just watch it and enjoy watching parents murder their children, I sure did.
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Bad Samaritan (2018)
Starts off as a solid 7. Drops to a 4.
18 August 2018
Let's not beat around the bush. Strong opening for an obvious rehash of a common story, but it eventually falls further and further down the old 'seen this, done tha' mudpipe. I found myself skipping ahead in parts out of the feeling of "bleh".

Some of the acting is pretty decent but the lazy scrip will ruin that for you.

Basically there are much better versions of this story out there, maybe just watch one of those instead.
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10x10 (2018)
What I liked and disliked.
23 May 2018
You've already seen this movie a hundred times before. So, straight to it. Both main cast members here are far much better than this movie could ever be, which makes me think that they just took this job for the money. We all know who Luke Evans is by now and Kelly Reilly is a pretty well, known lady also.

But here is a quick breakdown of what i liked and disliked in two-simple statements.

Disliked: So, yeah, this film does every trope and cliché that you could expect, I mean, from the almost-knda-sort of-twist-only its not a twist-but maybe?, at the end to the whole "bang, you've been shot, I guess you're dead now... oh wait you're not, NOOOOO". So thats a thing here...

Liked: The positive message I took away from this was deeply down to Luke Evans's chaacter. He proved that to be successful at any job then you need to studdy hard and make sure you stick at it and get better over time, eventually leading to s mice big home, tangable skills and lots of money. I understood this because on every other level of being, this guy is a moron to the greatest degree. No, seriously, He is the most stupidly written character that I have seen on screen in quite a long time. Everything that goes wrong for him in this movie is down to his own moronicness, yet, he has a huge house (which apparently he built) and "planned this elaborate kidnapping (spoiler) in broad daylight in a supermarket carpark.... Oh and he fights like a baby.

So, erm, I've spent far more time than I wanted to on this, Feel free to watch it if you like but you will regret wasting your time.
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I can only assume the whole budget was spent on cast..
15 May 2018
So i'm going to start off by stating that the 5 star rating I gave this film was simply because i enjoyed the acting of Thomas Jane. He was the only real stand-out performance in this, maybe thats because other's didnt have much of a chance to really shine but I can say that Ron Pealman and Devon Aoki were particularly bad! Ron just looked board and his accent constantly switched from American to almost-sort of-kinda-maybe Irish? I think?? Either that or he has a medical condition that I was not aware of, In which case, I'm sorry.

Devon, We,, She was just BAD. I mean, like, REALLY CAN'T ACT. I remember her from Sin City as a intriguing, silent but deadly character, Maybe she should have adopted that persona for this movie as every time she spoke, it was as if a psychopath wishing you a happy birthday -Soulless.

So, As the titale of this review states, I reckon most of the budget was gobbled up by the cast-ESPECIALLY John Malkovich, who was only in it for a short time amd then buggared off. His performance was relatively solid but thats to be expected.

The special effects, Sometimes worked and the CGI sometimes actually gave the film a bit of charm and fit "its look and feel", But for the most part they were really badly done and brought you out of the movie as you could see the CGI farting in your face.

General pros and cons, Some pros, Supporting cast were a mixed-bag, Some commanded each scene they were in and had my full attention. The setting of a futuristic/WW2/WW1 world felt pretty cool and interesting.

Some cons, Choppy editing, Some scenes just came out of nowhere and it felt as though some scenes may have been cut that would have served a purpose for story telling so it just got confusing at times, Lazy writing, Bad bit-parts, but they were probably just happy to be in a film, action was garbadge, Some B-movies can save themselves with interesting and well shot fight or action scenees but these were all just generic shot-to-shot rubbish and a blurr so by the end of it, you haven't seen what happened but you just look at whoes dead to guess what happened.

All in all, Rubbish, Actually, I'm going to change my rating to a 4, HA, Take that people with more money and talent than I.
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Time Lapse (2014)
Say Cheese And Die...
17 March 2015
Warning: Spoilers
No not the beloved Goosebumps book/TV episode, Only my description of this film.

Too vague? Allow me to explain further with a story.

Title: Back To The Future: Part Poo

So like this one time, me and my friends found this like camera, it could like take pictures that were 24 hours into the future yeah? So like we were all "ooo this could have endless benefits and better our lives for good".

OK so like we were thinking of like ideas on how this would help us.

"shall we find out the winning lottery numbers"?

No, lets do nothing

"shall we find out the winning lottery numbers today"?

Nah lets just make illegal gambling bets with a shady, dangerous bookie.

"Hey i have an idea, shall we play the lottery"?

Psssh, lets sit around with our thumbs up our backsides and wait for all of this to go horribly wrong.

So thats what we did. If only one of us had the idea to wait and see what the winning lottery numbers were then we would have saved ourselves a whole lot of bother.


So there, spoilers. Not enough? Well i have more. The concept itself is what intrigued me as i am a fan of the Say Cheese And Die book from my childhood so i just had to see this. Alas-unlike its name, Time did not lapse for me, in-fact it froze solid. I can forgive the semi-Acting from all of the cast and i can even forgive the fact that in this reality -everybody walks around with guns, even dear old lady-scientists and gunning people down for no reason AT ALL is just "something that happens". But what i CAN'T FORGIVE. Like AT ALL, Is the weird, "moral"? "Story"? "Tale"? That this films ends on. It finishes off with a weird way of portraying (relatively) sane women are willing to go to all lengths -INCLUDING MURDERING THEIR BOYFRIEND- in order to just feel that little bit more loved in their relationship.

But hey, Maybe we men just don't get it eh.
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Hercules (I) (2014)
Kevin Sorbo, Only, Not?
26 January 2015
I swear it was like a 98 minute version of the 90s TV show "Herculese The Legendary Journeys" Which in my humble opinion is superior because it was silly and it knew so. This is just 'blah' and tries to come off as a serious movie. Now that wouldn't be SO bad but somehow it shines HUGE light on Mr The Rock and his ability to really only play, well, himself? He actually comes across as a bad actor in this and you really do sit there and realize "Hey, hes the same in every movie". Now, i am a Rock fan so its hard for me to admit that this film was rather poo. Its a fun film to sit down with fellow movie buffs to make fun of and maybe create some fun drinking games over but this film left me feeling quite sad as it had such huge potential.

Note: If you're making a Herculese who isn't half god then he should NOT be able to throw a F@%*ing horse! Side note: That is the least of this films problems.

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