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The Cloverfield Paradox (2018)
Seven-Second Cloverfield Movie
I liked this 7 second Cloverfield movie, I just wish it didn't have a 1 hour, 30 minute straight-to-DVD short film before it, because that was truly awful. You may consider that a spoiler. I consider it a warning. THIS IS NOT A CLOVERFIELD MOVIE. This is a piece of crap. This is a movie so bad, they decided to throw in the Cloverfield monster in the last 7 seconds of the movie so they could put Cloverfield in the title, to make more money off of it. However, they obviously then realized that as soon as reviews came in from critics, and word of mouth spread about how abismal it is, they wouldn't make enough money, as everybody with half a brain would avoid it. So, they sold it to Netflix.
Now, just in case you for some reason want to watch this TV movie pretending to be something else, SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT.
So it starts off, not even 5 minutes in, with terrible expository dialogue. The characters are all horrible, and despite all working together for the last 2 years, they all act like they hate each other. Throughout the film everybody resorts to violence and fighting rather that talking things through. Nobody reacts to anything either with logic, or even as a real person with somewhat faulty logic. There is a scene where a man loses his arm, and the reactions from him and the other characters with him are hilarious. Nobody freaks out about any of the insane things happening throughout the movie. For instance, a woman they do not know gets trapped in the wall, and they have to cut her out, as she has power lines running through her, which should have killed her, by the way. Nobody seems to want to question her and find out what is really going on. It's just odd.
The science of the "film" is also very wrong. First off, if firing the machine caused them to go to another dimension, and there's is suddenly a new crew member aboard, shouldn't there be duplicates of the other characters as well? Also, even if the film did that, that itself would be a flaw. If that new character and the character that doesn't exist in her dimension's crew both have different lives, then that would mean everybody would. So she shouldn't recognize anyone. The existence of the machine itself in another dimension is a plot hole. If one person has a different life, then all of them have to, because this implies that their experiences in life are different. Keep in mind, we are ignoring the fact that their existence at all in an alternate dimension wouldn't work due to people being conceived at different times, due to different realities, which means they would be completely different people, not even looking the same. Anyways, the film then implies that everybody else is the same as in the other dimension, but that means that your interests and mental makeup are predetermined from birth and not completely influenced by the world around you and your experiences as you grow up. I want to get away from this now and talk about another HUGE plot hole. If by some miracle they fire the machine and it's takes them to another dimension, that means that if one other dimension exists, that an infinite amount of other dimensions HAS to exist. You might even be able to look past the huge coincidence of them ending up in one in which they still exist (even though their duplicates are missing), but why would they assume that firing the machine again will take them back to their own dimension? Again, the existence of one alternate dimension means there has to be unlimited other dimensions. Honestly, I could go on and on about this crap, but I don't want to. This is one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time. They don't even explain how the aliens came to earth. I thought it had something to do with the paradox, but that's never shown to us. To be honest, I was quite bored and didn't pay the closest attention to the second half of the movie, but I doubt they explained it and I just missed it. The only thing I saw related to the Cloverfield universe was, again, a 7 second shot of the monster roaring before the end credits rolled. I'm done, I hated this movie. 20/100, and that's being VERY generous. What a way to start my film experience for 2018.
The Shape of Water (2017)
Decent, but not very original
I'm not sure if I really liked this film all that much. There are certainly elements I enjoyed a lot, but there were also a lot of cheesy, stereotypical characters, which I really felt dragged the quality down a bit. The romance is very rushed. Honestly, the story of Michael Shannon's character finding and capturing the fishman seems like it would be more interesting than this story. I think the Shape of Water would have worked better as a mini series, as everything is just a bit too rushed in the film. It feels like a shortened version of the story. The story itself isn't exactly the most original, just because you have a human fall in love with a nonhuman doesn't mean the rest of the plot hasn't been done many times before. As for the visuals, they were pretty fantastic, the creature design and Doug Jones' performance are big pluses for me. Guillermo del Toro does a decent job directing, and I liked the overall look of the film, both owing a lot to the cinematography and editing. Sally Hawkins is pretty great, and Richard Jenkins nearly steals the film. Michael Shannon does a great job as usual, despite his character being something of a cliche. Michael Stuhlbarg is also really good. Octavia Spencer's character was the only one I didn't really like. I found her to be somewhat annoying. But that could just be me. Overall this film is well made, but the story itself happens too fast and is lacking a lot of originality. Still, I enjoyed enough of it to recommended it. 70\100
POTENTIAL SPOILERS IN THIS SECTION
My biggest complaints with the Shape of Water are the rushed pacing and somewhat unoriginal story. Well, I personally think this movie would have been better as a series. Maybe the first season is about Micheal Shannon searching for, and finding, the fishman, and bringing him to the city. Then the second can focus on Sally Hawkins and her building a relationship with the fishman. These two seasons could be fairly short. Then the third and final season could be longer, about planning and executing the escape, and basically the whole last act of the film. Maybe it's just me, I don't know, but I think that would have been better. It might also help with the unoriginality complaint if it's focued better on developing the characters and having more time to do so, so that's the overall story isn't so in-your-face. As it is, I just kept thinking it was basically Free Willy, except nobody had sex with the whale in Free Willy. Either way, I still liked the Shape of Water quite a bit, but I didn't love it like I wanted to. I certainly don't think it's Best Picture quality.
Leo the Lion (2005)
This movie gave me AIDS
I watched it for free on Netflix, and I want my money back. Everything about Leo the Lion is a disaster. Honestly, I found it quite hilarious, mostly because I think it is incredibly inappropriate for children. Please do not expose your kids to this pathetic excuse of a "movie". If you do, they will probably have nightmares for the rest of their lives, even when they are awake. However, if you want to scar them for life, by all means, show them this movie. Sing the songs to them as lullabies. I want to die now. Bury me at the heart of the jungle, where I can be safe. I need medication.