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An insult to the Star Wars saga
Any kind of expectation I could have had for this movie was just destroyed. I'm sitting here two days after watching it, and still can't find the right words to describe it. Here is, divided in paragraphs relevant to different parts of the movie, what I think about it.
(Jump to end for no spoilers)
First of all: Poe piloting a starfighter and single handedly destroying General Hux's dreadnought one cannon at a time? Well that's impressive! Let's just overlook at the fact that one single X-Wing can make a battleship the size of a city useless in under two minutes... the Resistance wants to drop bombs on the dreadnought to destroy it. What the hell? Bombs? Good old falling bombs straight out of WW2? Why? How do they even fall in the middle of the space? Don't you have like a thousand different, more sophisticated and more effective weapons to use? Perfectly legitimate questions, but we don't even have time to think about them, because there's something even more stupid: while the Resistance's bombers are standing still doing nothing and getting obliterated by the enemy battleships for no good reason, Poe orders one of them to drop their load, but the only girl still alive on the ship must reach the remote to release the bombs. All of this happens while the door on the bottom of the ship is open and she has no pressurized space suit, no helmet nor any source of breathable air at her disposal... uh? What? I guess the laws of physics don't apply to you when you're fighting for the Resistance... she manages to get the remote and release the bombs anyway.
Poe gets demoted by Leia for... I don't know? Single handedly destroying a dreadnought? Why not just say "good job" instead? It makes a good point that Poe's move attracted the First Order's eyes on them, but they were right in front of them anyway... I don't really think they would have been able to escape without getting noticed, might as well take the chance and destroy one of their biggest battle ships.
The First Order is able to track them through the hyperspace (no explanation which makes any sort of sense is given to how they did). They attack, and the command bridge of the Resistance ship is destroyed. Leia is shot straight into the void. You may think she is dead, but no, she pulls herself back to the ship using the force... WAIT, WHAT? She can do that? Wha the?? We also get the confirmation about the fact that laws of physics apparently don't apply to you if you are fighting for the Resistance. Leia manages to open the door of the ship as everyone is approaching to help her, and again, apparently opening a pressurized chamber in the middle of the space doesn't shoot everyone and everything outside at one thousand miles per hour like it should: instead, she just hops in and faints.
Let's cut to Rey: she just arrived to the planet where Luke had been hidden for so long: she hands him his light saber just to see him throw it on the ground. We now learn that Luke has completely lost the interest in fighting for the resistance and just wants to die in peace and bring the Jedi order to the grave with him. WHY? I may understand Luke being old, sick, tired and so on, but the only hope alive for the universe is in trouble, not to mention that Leia is also risking her life too, why wouldn't Luke even stir for a moment? This makes no sense. B-B-BUT, after seeing an holographic recording of the young Leia projected by R2-D2 (as if he didn't already know she was in danger) Luke decides to help and teach Rey how to use the force. He took years to learn it himself... that must be hard, time consuming and challenging, right? Well, nevermind, Rey is so damn cool that it just takes her five minutes of screen time where we see her daydreaming while Luke whispers useless stuff in her ears.
Now let me just take a full paragraph for this: what the hell are the porgs supposed to mean in the entire movie? I never saw a more blatant and shameless product placement in a movie, because that's what it is. Don't even try to tell me otherwise, it is damn clear that Disney put these sweet cute useless little screaming puppets in the movie only to sell merchandise. They serve no purpose at all but this one, and this is just sad. It's when you see things like this that you start wondering how the hell can anyone get away with it.
Finn figures out he needs to escape the ship through an escape pod for whatever reason, but Rose, a mechanic who also happens to be Finn's biggest fan, tries to stop him from escaping. Finn explains the whole situation, and they suddenly realize what they have to do, so he takes her with him to the most stupid and pointless journey ever. They contact Maz Kanata to ask for help, who is able to video chat in the middle of a damn laser gun fight, and she tells them they need to find this hacker guy, the "Master Codebreaker", who is able to penetrate the First Order's ship. They arrive to this unnecessarily fancy planet and park their ship in the middle of the damn beach for everyone to see. Needless to say they get spotted instantly, get captured and jailed. WOW.
Back to the Resistance ship, where Holdo, who is now in charge, decides is a good plan to evacuate the ship and take shelter inside a stronghold on a nearby planet, where there's an old Resistance base. Oh, did I mention that the First Order was sitting behind their ass the entire time shooting at their energy shield and just waiting for them to come out so they could obliterate them with one thousand laser shots? I almost forgot about that little detail... why in heaven would you think escaping the ship is a good idea? Jesus... The First Order indeed opens fire on the escape pods as soon as they get their ass in sight (who would have thought about it, huh).
Meanwhile Finn, the asian girl and the cool hacker guy manage to infiltrate in the ship in a way which doesn't make any sense whatsoever and get spotted and captured (AGAIN) in a matter of minutes, accomplishing nothing. Holdo, who stayed on the now abandoned Resistance ship for no reason at all while everyone else escaped, finally uses her brain to make a good decision: turn the ship to the First Order's battleship and jump at hyperspace speed to (literally) cut the enemy's ship in half, also killing everyone inside, except obviously Finn, BB8 and Rose. I'm really starting to get sick at this whole heroes-cant-die trash.
Kylo kills Snoke in the most stupid way anyone could ever think. WELL, ALL RIGHT THEN, turns out Snoke was just a piece of worthless computer graphic with no backstory or significant purpose whatsoever. Talking about backstory, any hint about who the hell were Rey's parents? Who knows, it's not like millions of people were literally just waiting for this movie to get an answer anyway, right? Sigh.
Now Kylo and Hux are marching with an entire army of AT-ATs and a giant laser cannon directly towards the Resistance's hiding place, and they are not looking friendly at all. There is no other way out the cave, so Finn decides to throw himself in the chamber of the cannon with his ship to destroy it. BUT Rose crashes his battleship on Finn's to stop him and almost kills herself too... though she doesn't pass away before giving Finn a kiss officially marking both the beginning and end of the most stupid, rushed and pointless love story (if one can call it so) ever seen in the entire series.
DON'T MIND ME, I'M JUST SLOWLY WALKING IN FRONT OF YOUR ENTIRE ARMY! Why would you ever waste a single laser shot to burn me to ashes? Finn makes it back to the stronghold, and again I cannot stress enough how sick I am of this heroes-cant-die nonsense. Wasn't there another more reasonable way for Finn to make it out alive? That scene is just silly and effortless.
Back to planet nowhere: Yoda appears to Luke in THE WORST YODA COSTUME I HAVE EVER SEEN (it literally jumps off of the screen and punches you in the eyes, I can't help but cry), starts talking to Luke and basically tells him to wake up and do something. So we see Luke suddenly appear in front of Kylo's army: Kylo orders to fire every single existing laser gun in his control at him, shooting for a solid 60 seconds straight, but of course Luke doesn't get hit by a single shot, so Kylo comes down to fight him in person, tries to hit him, but fails... BECAUSE IT'S JUST A DAMN HOLOGRAM, WOW! So apparently the force can be used to project such a clear hologram of yourself on another planet (even after you are dead? what the?). Luke is still on planet Ahch-To, and is exhausted. He has finished every single bit of power he had left, and dies disappearing into thin air. That's for sure the kind of death I was expecting from the most important Star Wars character ever to live right? NO. For God's sake, NO. What is going on? THIS PLOT IS BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION. Meanwhile Rey has finally arrived and uses their newly acquired sensational Jedi powers to... lift up a bunch of rocks (WOW) and help the rest of the Resistance escape from the back of the cave.
The credits that read "In loving memory of our princess, Carrie Fisher" just made me sad. I don't really think this was even near the level of the work Carrie Fisher has done, instead, I think she would have found this movie insulting.
I feel betrayed, I wouldn't have expected something like this even from Marvel. This plot looks like it was written in two hours by someone who was brainwashed and only paid to make it stupid enough to get people to watch this crap. It feels like this movie was produced with the sole purpose of milking the gullible audience that had high expectations from the last two Star Wars movies, which by the way were actually good. Like someone else says, positive reviews for this movie look written by bots. On Metacritic it has an average user rating of 4.7 out of 10. THAT is a fair rating.
Go back to cartoon animation for kids Disney, and stop milking the cow, you ruined one of the most successful sagas ever.
Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
A little bit exaggerated, to say the least
I'll just start by saying I've never been a great fan of superhero movies, but I do actually like Spiderman.
This movie didn't really surprise me that much: I already knew I was going to see Tony Stark, I already knew I was going to see the classic "I have a crush on the prettiest girl in the school but I'm a nerd how can I impress her" secondary plot, and I already knew that there would have been some fairly unrealistic scenes (after all it's a Marvel movie).
With that said, I liked how the whole movie was directed, I liked the random funny lines and scenes here and there, and the plot itself was good material. It makes a pretty cool movie... but... but there are some details that I just couldn't get off of the back of my head, and kept annoying me through the entire movie.
First of all, the villain: how can a group of workers, all of a sudden, decide to stop doing whatever they are supposed to and instead manage to build futuristic tech which nobody has ever seen before exploiting never-before-known alien artifacts in the blink of an eye? That looks a bit too odd and unrealistic to me, but OK, that's pretty much the standard Marvel villain backstory so I can go with it.
Secondly, let's talk about Spiderman (not Peter Parker, not the actor, just the character): that suit built for him by Tony Stark is so damn cool that it actually doesn't even need a human with a functioning brain to work. Anyone who wears it could possibly become Spiderman, not to mention that the integrated artificial intelligent assistant already has a brain of its own. The character of Spiderman could basically be a mannequin at this point, the only thing that barely makes a difference is his super-strength.
Third: what the hell is going through the Avengers' heads to leave an helpless fat driver (or whatever the hell he is supposed to be) to handle the whole head quarter and all their stuff while they're moving? Also, why the hell do you have a ten-billion-dollar-futuristic-stealth-AC-130 equipped with anything you can possibly think of if you can't even manage to notice a metal bird the size of an elephant landing on its back trying to steal all your stuff? Come on Tony Stark, are you serious? You have push notifications to alert you if a 16 y/o boy in a jumpsuit goes out of town for a school trip and can't manage to take care of ten thousand tons of steel flying over NYC? Ooooook.
Last, but not least, Ned is a pretty funny guy, but you don't become the "guy in the chair" in the blink of an eye and start doing all kinds of hacking on two high school computers running Windows 95.
Moral of the fairy tale: Parker gets to catch the villain, keep the super cool Spider-Man suit, conquer the heart of his crush, and ... oh wait... does he actually? Nope, he doesn't. Well, what did I expect after all: he just ditched her at Homecoming and got his father arrested so that she's now moving to a different state with her mother, of course nothing's going to happen. Sigh.
I think the movie had a lot of potential, and I can see why the average rating is 8/10, but I don't really think it's worth more than a 6. After all, the only thing that wasn't that much predictable was Liz moving to Oregon.
Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising (2016)
Neighbors (1) was a cool movie: that was the kind of comedy you didn't see very much before, and the plot was compelling. I didn't start watching Neighbors 2 with who knows which expectations, but I at least expected a DECENT story-line and comedy, like the previous one.
I'm not going to summarize the plot here, but just point out which basically were the (main) reasons behind my 3-stars review:
1) Shelby is 18 years old, and so are her friends: they just got into college, and they don't know what to do. First of all, I don't really freaking get why American colleges in movies are everything but colleges and always get pictured like non-stop alcoholic rave parties and drug-trading markets. I mean, you are doing a movie about college students? Then at least shot a damn scene inside an actual college! Really.
2) The three girls decide to move because sororities are not allowed to throw parties, so they figure out the real solution for the problem would be to rent a new house, create their own sorority and do whatever they want. The sororities-are-not-allowed-to-party thing could have actually been a good point, because is a real thing, but the whole situation is treated in such a stupid way.
3) I really wonder in which US state is it allowed to: constantly disturb the peace of the neighborhood, throw alcoholic parties where ALMOST EVERYONE is under the legal drinking age, steal your neighbors entire house (furniture etc) and just pretend it didn't happen, sell tons of cannabis (obviously for non-medical use) and do drugs all day long, occupy a man's private property for several consecutive days and constantly harass him and his family, [...] and I could go on for another 10 lines, but I don't want to sound boring.
4) Oh yeah, they are planning on selling tons of weed to a local event, what should we do to stop them? I DON'T KNOW, CALL THE FREAKING POLICE? No, that's too simple, let's just make a plan to steal the weed from them in broad daylight in the middle of a rave party with thousands of people, sounds totally f**kin easy. PLEASE.
5) OK, Zac Efron is definitely a good actor and a hot guy, but him attracting every girl in the range of two miles just by moving like an idiot on a stage just doesn't make sense.
6) The Selena Gomez leaded Phi Lambda sorority just randomly decides to join them just because apparently writers couldn't think of a little more realistic conclusion, wow.
OK, I think that's enough for you to understand the reasons behind my vote, I don't really want to make a longer list than this, because I'm actually wasting my time even reviewing this thing. Chloe Grace Moretz is one of my favorite actresses, but I don't really see her in this role, and I don't think it's just me either. Bad movie, bad written, boring and stupid.
A pretty strange experience
I saw the trailer for this movie, and I thought: why not? Looks interesting. Jake Gyllenhaal is a very good actor in my honest opinion, he really suits this kind of role, and I liked the idea of the man who loses the wife and starts going almost crazy, realizing that his life has to change or something like that. I've seen this kind of plot more than one time, and it looked promising.
I actually really liked the movie in the beginning, but, as the plot developed (if one can say so), it left me with a pretty strange feeling. Davis' wife dies, and he doesn't even drop a tear, because he didn't love her; instead, he starts disassembling or demolishing almost anything he comes across, taking his father in law's advice a bit too literally. His wife didn't mean much to him, but her disappearance still caused such a deep change in David's life. It's when he meets Karen and her son that I began thinking they would have eventually gotten together or something, but nothing serious happens. Davis changes behavior radically, starts hanging out with Karen's son and keeps disassembling and destroying things, getting to the point of destroying his own house (I didn't really get why).
As the movie goes on, I'm left with a sensation of emptiness and the desire for something real to happen, but it actually never does. Karen looked very happy with Davis, and so did Chris, but they just separate without an actual reason. Did Davis quit his job? Did he move or did he keep on living in his half demolished house? Did Karen leave Carl? Will Davis and Karen ever see each other again? Did something concrete actually happen in the whole movie, except maybe for the merry-go- round built by Karen's dad with the money of her insurance? Even the poor guy who follows Davis in a station wagon and finally reveals himself saying he was driving the car which caused the accident doesn't actually contribute to the plot in any way. I don't really know what to think about this movie, because it looks like it is incomplete.
I really liked the acting, specially from Gyllenhaal, and the idea wasn't bad at all, but it needed something more. This movie is really thought provoking, and will make you think and think even after you exit the cinema or turn off your TV, but there isn't much more which adds value to it.
The Neon Demon (2016)
A beautiful actress alone doesn't make a good movie
What can I say? I've been waiting to see The Neon Demon for months, being utterly spellbound by the trailer, and I've always felt like this movie could have either been an indisputable masterpiece or yet another meaningless representation of the modeling industry. Turns out the latter one was the nearest definition I could think of for it. Let me get this straight: Elle Fanning? Completely stunning, I couldn't look away from her for a second; her acting was terrific, and she looks like an angel. However, a beautiful actress doesn't make a good movie alone.
The direction? I don't get Refn's style of filming interminable sequences in which nothing happens (like the catwalk one), or the fact that the dialogues have to feel so heavy and full of pauses, but after all the direction wasn't that bad.
The plot? Let's talk about it: by the eleventh minute I could've already imagine how the whole thing would have turn out; by the twenty- first, I was more than convinced; by the forty-fifth, I just knew it without any doubt. First of all, Jesse is a sixteen-year-old girl living alone in a motel, and the only person she can barely rely on is her "friend" Dean (which is a good guy indeed). There's no reason for her to toss it away like wastepaper in a second, nor any other lonely young lady like her would have done that, so that just makes no sense and makes me feel annoyed because the overwhelming atmosphere of the story gets worse and worse as time goes by. The other models: I got sick of them since I first saw their faces on the screen, but that's all right - I thought - that's just how it's supposed to be, they are meant to be the antagonists. Right. Apparently Jesse couldn't figure that out on her own, so after only one single shoot she is already totally immersed in the newly discovered world of envy and greed which is the modeling industry. She then begins to understand how powerful she is, and how dangerous is her position. Women would kill for her beauty. She doesn't want to become like them, but they want to become like her. The movie keeps slowly going on with boring - yet wonderful - scenes that are only meant to make you stare at her until you get hypnotized by her gaze. Moreover, not a single scene of daily life is shot, not a single normal dialogue, normal human interaction or such thing, making the whole movie feel like made out of thin air. The utterly predictable death of the poor girl just makes the whole point of the movie disappear, and I could have gone with that if only it would have happened in a less silly way. Now she's gone, apparently eaten by the envious older models, and suddenly nobody even notices about it, like she was nothing.
I'm still questioning myself about the seemingly nonsense scenes, like Ruby menstruating all over the floor for no reason, not to talk about her totally random lesbian necrophilia. When I reached the final scene... yeah, well, I just stared at the screen helplessly (let's just ignore the fact that the thrown up eye is stupidly fake and it would have been digested in a matter of hours). Every single thing, from the beginning to the end, has no consequence whatsoever in the real world, making the movie so open to interpretation (if one can say so) that it just doesn't feel worth being interpreted, there's no real "solution" or "meaning" for it. And, yes, I understood that the four girls are meant to symbolize four different forms of beauty (external, internal, artificial and natural), I mean, honestly that was pretty obvious, but for which purpose?
In conclusion: I loved Elle Fanning and, to be fair, the soundtrack was pretty good, but that's it about this movie for me.
Wait what? Why? How?
This is strange on so many levels. And by strange I don't mean good nor bad, just strange, literally. Gus is the kind of nerdy/odd/weird guy who does his nerdy/odd/weird things, but from the first episode you see him transported in a series of events which don't really seem to get along with the character. Then, while I'm in the middle of the season trying to figure out what is going on and why is all happening in such a strange mood, other stranger things get in the way and leave me with more questions. I also don't understand why every girl is attracted by Gus; from the two teen sisters interested in a ménage à trois with him to the young and hot blonde actress. I mean, yeah, it's sort of funny to watch, but too awkward to be anywhere near reality. Mickey keeps f**ing things up, still Gus is attracted by her; Gus keeps doing... whatever the hell he's supposed to??? Yep this is another thing I'm not getting: he doesn't really manage to teach anything to these young spoiled "actors". Well, he isn't even capable of shutting his mouth while getting a blow-job, so why keep wondering? In my honest opinion, the (1st) season finale was the only episode where things made a bit more sense and took a turn (although that was extremely predictable): Gus stands up in front of his bitchy boss making some good realizations, and Mickey apologizes to him so they come back "together" (as if they had ever been). This TV series looks like the usual show where the authors want you to dive into the strange and (somehow) funny/awkward lives of their characters, and I get the point, that's not a bad idea, but the way it all happens, the way the characters are playing it, and the way the whole thing is developing... that's just f**ing with my brain. Five out of ten just because there are some funny/relatable facts here and there.
That's about it for me, I don't think I'm going to watch season 2.
Blue Jasmine (2013)
In my honest opinion, Jasmine (or Janet) is the kind of woman you should never run into. I hate her fake life, her defeatist attitude and her sliminess, and for the entire running time of ninety+ minutes I was disgusted by her. Even just the fact that she cannot breathe when any problem or choice occurs makes me laugh and cry at her at the same time. When I saw her calling the FBI to denounce his own husband, I suddenly realized the intrinsic hypocrisy of her lifestyle was so outstanding that I couldn't watch a single more minute of it. I would rather be shot dead on the street by an unknown psycho than live a life like hers.