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Downton Abbey (2019)
1/10
Snootsville Abbey
23 September 2019
The snooty British TV show made into a snooty movie. This one seems like it was re-edited into a feature lenght film from scenes that were left on the cutting room floor. If you ever watched the TV show, you know exactly what to expect. Same characters, same situations, and the same era. Edwardian British cultural elitism and snobbery at it's finest, Predictable and sleep inducing. Yaaaaaaawn. Another P.U. movie review from Lou.
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1/10
Garbage
27 July 2019
Just another piece of raw sewage from the most over-rated 'director' of all time.If you've ever seen any of his films, you know exactly what to expect.A boredom inducing snoozefest with no real story as a has been TV Western star and his stuntman double drive around in a '66 Cadillac through a changing, decaying Hollywood, ca. 1969. This is the result of a former video store clerk turned director given a free reign to do whatever he wants., and the powers that be who allowed him to indulge himself in his sick, demented fantasies.About the ONLY good thing I can say about is that it's not another brain-dead superhero movie, or part of another never ending franchise.Naturally, the critics are fawning all over it. Don't you make the same mistake! Another P.U. movie review from Lou. Stay tuned........
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1/10
If You've Seen One........................
8 March 2019
Another entry in this overcrowded genre. Bree Larson is just plain awful as is the rest of the politically correct white hating cast.Absolutely standard issue on all counts, with cheap looking and uninspired CGI effects and mind-numbing music thrown in to pad out what is just a three minute trailer.No use in describing the scenario which looks like ANY other superhero movie you can think of. A total embarassment, and a slap in the face to the 'empowerment' crowd that can be better served with a movie that can have some socially redeeming qualities to it.Even though I hate superhero movies, I probably could have awarded this a few more stars if it were better made and tried to tell a real story instead of just rubbing it's hateful propaganda in our faces.I'm sure it will please undemanding viewers,but the rest of us who wondered what happened to the movies will ave to look elsewhere. The best part of this fiasco is the pet cat. Don't bee too surprised if she gets her own 'standalone' movie in the near future. Another P.U.movie review from Lou.
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Bumblebee (2018)
1/10
Dumble Bee
23 December 2018
My God, where do I even begin? Utterly ridiculous garbage about an 18 year old girl who 'adopts' a beat up VW Beetle, and more Transformer mayhem and nonsense.The story is non-existant, the 'acting is atrocious, the CGI effects are below average-even for CGI.Title vehicle turns into a 'Transformer', and that's all you need to know. Another obvious cash grab that only sets up the audience to buy more of those toys. Not only was this film abysmal,it WILL insult the intelligence of anybody with an IQ of over 50. And I'm sure that every middle aged woman who drives a VW 'beetle' will but a Bumblebee sticker somewhere on their car . A word to the wise is sufficent.' so STAY AWAY. Yet another PU movie review from Lou, and I'm positive there will be a LOT more in 2019. Stay tuned.
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1/10
Less than Magical
19 December 2018
After 54 years, the magical nanny returns in a movie that is so devoid of any of the elements of the original, that it should serve as a template on how NOT to make a sequel. To be perfectly 'blunt' about it, Emily Blunt almost succedes at bringing the new Poppins up to Julie Andrews quality. She almost comes close, but it is obvious that she is trying TOO hard in the title role,and even though she gives it her best, she never emerge from Julie Andrew's shadow. Lyn Manuel Miranda of 'Hamilton' fame is pleasant enough, as Jack the lamplighter,but he has no screen presence, and his Cockney accent is even worse than Dick Van Dykes. 25 years later the son of Mr Banks find out that his beloved house will be foreclosed,and his wife has also died, a 'dead parent theme that is too prevalent in Disney films. His sister, also following in mom's footsteps has become a socialist advocate for the working class laborers. While his son is out flying a kite, who should ' appear from out of he sky? None other than Mary Poppins herself and her talking umbrella. After ingratiating herself into the family, we're of on some typical Poppins adventures.We go through the magic vase to the lamplighter's show, go into the bathtub for an overlong romp ln an animated sequence that looks like an outtake from 'The Little Mermaid', and take a ride on an animated horse carriage, and, yes, see the dancing penguins again. Later, we are introduced to Topsy [Meryl Streep} in her upside down repair shop and hear her sing -i's awful-and the crazy neighborhood dementoid Captain Boom with the cannon and ship like structure on his roof. Two characters who probably escaped from the Bedlam looney bin. There are songs, but none will stick in your head like the original Sherman Brothers tunes.You'll forget them about an hour after you leave the multiplex. While I'm not a fan of the original, I must admit t outshines 'Returns' on every level.There is no heart, soul, or anything of substance. It can almost be called a'Poppins Tribute'., like cover bands that play other people's music. This films feels like it was designed to evoke nostalgia to the now mostly ,middle aged women who say it back in'64. If they want to drag their children or grandchildren to see it, like my mother did, way back when,but they will be bored out of their gourds,and reach for their smartphones within ten minutes. For once, I'm with the kids on that. Film really isn't dull, it's just overlong, and the fantasy and music numbers just go on forever. Film itself is fairly good looking, and the 'Slump' of Depression era London has some grit to it, all in beautiful CGI.And don't miss Van Dvkes cameo as a dancing banker.At age 92, why even bother, but I guess they had to have some connection with the first one. As long as Disney turns out misguided sequels that nobody asked for, and keeps remaking their cartoons as live action features, they'll just squander their once good name, and cheapen their brand. The magics gone. Another P.U. movie review from Lou.
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Ocean's Eight (2018)
1/10
Lesson Not Learned
8 June 2018
The return of the all female Ghostbusters., this time in an inept 'empowermet' caper of eight woman criminals attempting to pull of a robbery at the 'Met Gala'.Has more in common with the original 1960 Sinatra-Ratpack film than the other three, but that is not saying too much. The women primp, preen, ad try to look good as eye candy in a comedy that has no laughs, or a thriller that offers no thrills. You can pretty much dial it in in a film that is predictable from start to finish. Only James Corden offers some laughs-though not too many as a detective investigating the case. I don't really want to get on a rant, but making a film for the sake of making a movie about women criminals to appease the 'me too' and 'empowerment' crowd is just an excuse to further exploit those who are calling for more 'fem-centric' movies . I can understand if the film was attempting to tackle real social issues, but all it is is fluff, kind of like an extended TMZ story. A total waste of time and talent, especially from Bulloch, and Hathaway who have had better roles. Do yourself a favor. If you really must see it, wait about three weeks until it is available at Redbox! Another P.U. movie review from Lou.
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The Post (2017)
2/10
Fake News
10 January 2018
Very sub-par Speilberg. In an obvious attempt to bash Trump vis-a vis the Pentagon Papers and Watergate, this propaganda piece plays like 'The Lou Grant Show' meets 'Spotlight'. Hanks fails to bring any life to his character, and Streep plays the now trendy 'empowered'woman who owns the paper. Since most of America , except for millennials knows the story, there are no surprises here. While the film does make a case for freedom of the press, massive liberties and too many fictional characters sidetrack it to practically an afterthought. The film does manage to capture the look of the early 70s with period accurate cars and clothing, but maybe this distraction will not hide the fact that this is just an average movie that plays more like a made for TV film of the '70s. See it if you will,but don't expect too much. Amazing how Speilberg, the man who once made 'real'movies like 'Jaws', 'Close Encounters', 'Raiders of the Lost Ark',and *Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade' can slip into mediocrity with a film like this. A money grab and Oscar bait rolled into one. Another PU movie review from Lou.
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Vikings (2013– )
9/10
A Medieval "Godfather"
17 March 2013
Maybe it isn't real 100 percent history. Some liberties were taken, but for the most part is seems to ring true.At times it almost seems like a contemporary crime drama, but the facts are there-the raids on British monastaries that did occur in the late 8th century, a fairly realistic depiction on what Norse life was probably like at this timeline, the spectacular countryside with its majestic forests and rivers, and the depictions of the Vikings themselves. Savage, eager to loot and plunder, but nevertheless bound by a sort of code of honor. Their acts are savage and the chieftan seems more like a medieval Godfather who uses his power for his own personal gain and who is not above killing somebody on the spot if he is displeased with his actions. The storyline is fairly literate and not the usual mindless adventure that too many of these movies present to us, and the characters are convincingly drawn and likely motivated. The music is good and the full size replicas of the ships are very accurate. Even the deliberate pace works to its advantage, we are never rushed and the story develops as it moves along. It is never dull and there is plenty of interest to engage the viewer. However, if you are put off by graphic violence , don't watch it. Those times were fairly brutal. Fine entertainment . Enjoy it.
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1/10
The Running Girl
21 March 2012
Yet another epic set in a very dystopian not too distant future. A bankrupt,hungry, dysfunctional and soulless North American country called Panem stages a fight to the death epic featuring teenagers from ages 12 to 18 from the 12 Districts to compete. They train all their lives-sort of like former East German Olympians -for this event where they have to face explosions, fires, being shot at and attacks from rabid wild dogs among other things all filmed on a jerky nausea inducing hand held camera. A backwoods teen with the unlikely name of Katniss Everdeen replaces her sister who was "chosen" to compete, and therefore she must train to prepare for the games. Highly deriverative film "borrows" elements from "The Most Dangerous Game", "Lord of the Flies", "Rollerball" ", "Battle Royal" and last but not least "The Runing Man The games themself are a cross between "Gladiator" , "Fear Factor"and "Survivor", and are quite graphc as teen after teen is eliminated while a zombie like population is forced to watch. The set up takes about half the film's lenght to get there, and once the games begin, the violence starts. Film totally misses the mark because it takes itself way, way to seriously. It would have worked a lot better if it was made as a black comedy or a satire on the so called "reality shows" the author Suzanne Collins obviously based these books on, but no attempt is made to correlate the two. Jennifer Lawrence and the mostly no name cast is good, but they don't do very much other than act grim and self determined to succeed at their tasks. As I have already said ,what this film desperately needs is a tongue in cheek sense of humor to help the story move and lighten things up a bit, but the fimmakers totally blew it. I'm sure the 'tween age girl target audience this film is aimed at probably doesn't remember "The Running Man" with Schwarzenneger where condemned criminals had to compete on a game show to fight for their lives. What made that film work was the dead -on satire , a keen sense of humor, the brilliant and hilarious one liners and the utterly improbable scenario that the audience "got" not too long after the film started. This one uses the same premise, but makes very poor use of it. I'm sure it will do good at the box office with all the hype its been getting, but you will definitely leave the multiplex feeling "hungry" for something more satisfying Also, don't be too surprised if you soon start hearing names like Katniss and Peta becoming popular after the drones who watch this overrated piece of drek deciede to name their offsprings as such .Another P-U movie review from Lou!
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1/10
Twilight Saga Pt 1--Breaking Wind
18 November 2011
Warning: Spoilers
Where do I even begin? Yet another installment in this never ending franchise. If you are a fan, you pretty much know the deal. They have sex, there's a wedding, an offspring is born ad they wait for the apocalypse between the bloodsuckers and the wolves. Embarrassingly bad and ultra cheesy on all levels. Pitiful non acting by Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner and the rest of the cast. Obviously designed for tween and teenage girls, even they were bored during the preview that I got to see for free. As you probably have guessed by now, I'm not a fan of this series. Like the last "Harry Potter", this ender will be done in two separate parts. Why bother? Everything in this film is overacted, the atmosphere looks like a trailer park, the music is probably the most mawkish ever committed to celluloid , and the whole production in general looks like one of those Mexican made velvet paintings with a wolf sitting in frot of a full moon. Does absolutely nothing to advance series that should have ended at part one, it was designed to lure the target audience girls into the multiplexes to spend the hard earned money that mommy and daddy have to work two jobs to give them. Before my review gets pulled for "abuse", heed my warning. Do NOT pay money to see this film. It literally stinks. You can almost see the cloud of its foul stench rising from the screen. I want a refund! Give me back the two hours plus of my life that I wasted watching this rubbish. Another P U movie review from Lou!
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8/10
Enjoyable Nonsense
11 October 2011
Warning: Spoilers
In the newest version of this often made film, the title three have fallen on hard times, but when a plot is uncovered to plunge France and England into war, they get back together to do their patriotic duty. Bearing absolutely no relation to the Dumas novel {except for the names of the characters} this new version seems to have been made for contemporary audiences, and combines elements of "Matrix"' "Pirates of the Caribbean", "James Bond films, Samurai films and even throws in a good deal of steampunk gadgets and weapons. The story has something to do with a plan for Cardinal Richilieu to seize power and set himself up as a dictator. The cast is OK,with Orlando Bloom as the evil Buckingham, Mila Jojovich as a deadly assassin, and Christof Walz as Richileiu. The German locations could easily pass for early 17 th century France and are quite beautiful.There are fine swordfights, improvised weapon systems, secret passageways,a killing chamber, booby traps, an unbelievable swordfight duel on the roof of Notre Dame cathedral and stolen plans from Leonardo Da Vinci's secret vault for aeriel war machines. These are a combination of zeppelins and sail propelled galleons with at least three decks of cannons and flamethrowers! Even if they are at least 200 years ahead of their time, they are magnificent in design . Their battle over Paris is truly spectacular. Film also features many funny and quite quotable one liners. The point of it is that this was designed to be a fun film and if you, the viewer "get it" it will be exactly that. I've never seen an Andreson film, but this one was a blast. Its all non stop action with a keen sense of humor and some spectacular set pieces all in eye popping 3D.Definitely not your 8th grade Dumas book report that you probably faked by reading a "Classic Illustrated" comic version or "Cliff Notes", but its not supposed to be. Just go see it, OK?
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8/10
Absurdist Fun
31 July 2011
This film amazed me.I wasn't expecting too much, but sometimes you can be pleasantly surprised. Kevin James is at his best as a mild mannered-and lonely security guard at a shopping mall in the shopping mall capital of the world-New Jersey. He could't pass the physical for the police department, so he took this job. He is divorced, has a teenage daughter and lives with at home with his mother. He takes his job pretty seriously even though the other employees couldn't care less, and has the responsibility of training the new employee.One day at the mall, he meets a beautiful salesgirl at a kiosk, begins to fall in love with her. He also has to compete with her asinine boyfriend who really doesn't care too much about her. His mother and daughter have also signed him up for a computer dating service. Get the picture? After what is probably the most depressing Thanksgiving Day ever seen in any movie, he goes to his room, turns on his computer, puts on Barry Manilows "Weekend in New England" and sees if he has any replies on his on -line dating service. Nothing today, maybe better luck tomorrow.

Next thing you know, on Black Friday, bike riding and skateboarding baddies take over the mall. Since he is not on his Segway scooter and playing a video game at the arcade, he is the last one to know. When he discovers the plot, its like "Die Hard" in a mall. He singlehandedly takes on the bad guys while the local police and a SWAT team wait outside and encourage him not to do anything. The film is fast paced, has some very funny scenes, and is comparitively non violent. You'll recognize all the standard mall stores like" Sharper Image", "Victoria's Secret" and the kitschy "Rain Forest Cafe" which is also used for good measure.The cast is likable and James, with a walrus mustache shows that he is a fine comedic actor. Even if you never watch "The King of Queens", his character is fairly convincing. You can believe that he is real and able to handle any situation that his thakless job hads him. The results are hilarious and heroic at the same time. With far, far too many terrible movies that come our way, this one stood out and delivered a good 91 minutes of fun and laughs. It was pretty heart touching too. You just want Paul to win the girl of his dreams.Definitely worth the rental, you won't be disappointed. Scooby doobie do!
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1/10
Horrible Movie-Can't Say Anything Else!
8 July 2011
What could have been a superior black comedy about every white collar workers dream disintegrates into a standard TV style movie thats long on raunch and foul language, and short on laughs. Before my review gets pulled for "abuse",heres the basic premise. In a nutshell, some office workers deceide to murder their bosses cuz they feel that their lives would be a lot better with them gone, then when things take a wrong turn, the desperation of the workers-and the screenwriter begin to show. "Borrowing" elements of some of Hitchcocks best work, the story quickly fizzles out as film takes the shortcut to predictability and mediocrity. . Cast is only so-so, but Kevin Spacey seems to be chanelling his "American Beauty" role. Bateman and others are quite forgettable and Jennifer Aniston-possibly the worst non actress of this decade goes against type and plays a slutty skanky role that the director hoped would give this film some "balls", but all she seems to do is alienate and repel the audience even further. The only way I could recommend this movie to you is to try to sneak into it at some multiplex and wait until the film you really want to see starts, that is, of course if you can find one that is actually worth seeing. If you remember the early 80s "Nine to Five" that movie pretty much had the same premise as this with some funny fantasy sequences too. I'll leave you, dear readers to deceide which is the better one-think Dolly Parton. Thank God that I get to see these movies for free. Being a critic does have its rewards, but unfortunately I have not been rewarded with any decent movies lately. If you must pay good money to see this turkey- especially in this Obama economy -demand a refund!Another PU movie review from Lou!
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Green Lantern (2011)
1/10
Below Average Superhero Movie
16 June 2011
This is the 4th. superhero movie this year {Green Hornet, X Men, Thor,so far-not including Captain America,and the worst. Total dud misfires from the first frame. A cocky test pilot-whose father was killed in an aircraft crash somehow gets to be a guardian of the universe after a strange green light shines on him. Next thing you know, he has to defend the world from bad evildoers who are much more interesting than the title character. Ryan Reynolds is fairly likable but he seems more appropriate in a show like "Glee" rather than in the title role. Although he tries his one dimensional character really shows no depth, even in the scenes with his lover. The CGI effects are standard issue, and you've probably seen them a million times before. The trouble with this movie is that its just sooooo ordinary. There is absolutely nothing in it to lift it above a less than mediocre level, and the story line can be somewhat hard to follow. Before my review gets pulled due to "abuse", heed my advice and avoid the multiplex showing this disaster. Yes, I know its supposed to be based on a comic book, but even comic books can sometimes show some character development, intelligence, and try to portray their stories in a more realistic and believable way. Unfortunately, this film does not. It will just get lost in the shuffle of superhero overkill and fade from the scene after it predictably makes a fortune on its first weekend. It will be on DVD by summer's end. If you must see it, wait until then. Not worth your time or money, but don't be too surprised if the producers try to "franchise" it and milk it for all its worth. A sad fact in todays Hollywood. The fans claim that the critics killed this film , but thats only partially true. It committed suicide just being made.However, this movie could have been much, much worse-it could have had Jennifer Aniston in it.If that was the case, I would have given it a zero star rating!
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Super 8 (2011)
1/10
Pooper 8
8 June 2011
Something strange is happening in a small town after a train derails . What was supposed to be a nostalgic look at the lives of a few middle schoolers in 1979 turns out to be the biggest movie non event of the year. Something is not right in this movie that fails for three reasons. First, it is entirely too much like the old "Twilight Zone" and "Outer Limits" TV shows. Secondly, the predictability factor manifests itself from the beginning. You know exactly what is going to happen before it even does. You just sit there and viola! It happens. Third is the "Lets use every cliché from every sci-fi movie ever made" factor.Self explanatory. The no name cast doesn't have one character you even care about. They look too clean, too polished,and too plastic just like animatronics at a Disney World attraction.And yes, they all have what I like to call the "Spielberg Look"- you know, that dazed, glazed facial expression that was so prominent in "ET". If this turkey bears a resemblance to "Close Encounters", "War of the Worlds", "ET", "Cloverfield", and "The Goonies", thats the idea. There isn't an original idea anywhere in this mess. Its as if director Abrams was told to make a homage to early Spielberg films by Spielberg himself, and thats exactly what he did. Film does have its moments, but they are few and very far between. Film tries to be nostalgic, but 70s nostalgia? A great decade! Disco, Jimmy Carter, the looming Iran hostage crisis, inflation, oil crisses, unemployment, polyester, etc, etc. Kinda of sounds like today, doesn't it? I can go on and on but, dear reader, I think you get the point. This film has the cheesiest ending since "Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull",and the schmaltz in the last two minutes or so seems to have been applied with a trowel.As is, just alright for eight year old kids or undemanding viewers. However, adults who are looking for something with some brains and intelligence should go to another multiplex. However, you gotta admit that Spielberg is pretty smart. He just bought himself a 300 foot long yacht that cost over 200 million dollars.Mediocrity is its own reward,but to call this film mediocre is to praise it to high heaven. This film represents everything that is wrong with today's filmmaking and movies. Save your 11 bucks and the trip to the multiplex. It will be available on DVD before the summers over.Mark my words, you'll see. PS- "Super 8" refers to a type of 8mm film that was used for making home movies in the pre digital film age.
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Arthur (I) (2011)
1/10
Arthur-Gives Remakes Their Bad Name
8 April 2011
Why, why, why did they remake the Dudley Moore classic. My guess is that Hollywood has finally run out of ideas. Russell Brand attempts to re create the lovable Dudley Moore drunk playboy character-and fails miserably. Helen Mirren-a fine actress gives what is arguably her worst performance in a role she obviously did for a paycheck. About all she does is scowl and have a mean, exasperated expression on her face.Rest of cast is pretty non descript as is the story, screenplay, and direction. Everything in this wet turd of a movie falls flat on its face, and the director didn't even try to redeem it. Guess he knows the score. He was paid to turn in a movie and he does just that. Only thing is that this waste of celluloid is not a movie. It is just another product of contemporary Hollywood , a heartless and soulless Hollywood that has absolutely no clue on how to make a real movie. About the only good thing in this bomb are some of the on-location New York sites where this was filmed, but Grand Central Station looks like a leftovcer set from Superman II. Do yourself a favor. Save your gas and 11 bucks, stay away from the multiplex playing this atrocity and rent the Dudley Moore original. There is absolutely no comparison between the real thing and the remake. The kind of film that should never have been made in the first place. If you are sucker enough to pay good money to see this Dudley-less dud, demand a refund! Any wonder why movie-going in the US is down by 20 percent? Crap films like this are the reason!
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1/10
Tripe
2 November 2010
Bland, boring, predictable animated pseudo fairytale of two Japanese girls and their father who move to the country to be nearer to their ailing mother's hospital.One day, they meet a forest spirit whom they call Totoro.Looking like an overweight rabbit with short prick erect ears, this non-threatening harmless character leads them through a series of bland, Disney like adventures that makes even "Dora the Explorer" look like Shakespeare's " Mac Beth"-and we don't even get to see Totoro until a half hour into the movie! Thats about it. This is probably the most over rated film from Miyazaki, the uber over rated Japanese anime director.Its all done in a pastel tone animated style that looks like an a painting by a first grader, yet some of the backgrounds do have a certain charm to them.There is no edge, conflict, sense of menace or real emotion or drama in this pablum coated film to engage the audience. Even a 3 year old would become bored-fast. Done by Studio Ghibli-a sort of Japanese Disney studio, this turkey has earned much yen since its release. Not to mention the merchandising it has inspired that, fortunately is not too readily available in the United States. And can anybody please tell me what is so great about Miyazaki? He's just another "in it for the money" artist like Tim Burton, Spielberg, and Murakami. As a matter of fact, I have a hard time distinguishing Miyazaki from Murakami.. Even Spielberg's "ET", a film that I thoroughly hated seems enjoyable and well made when compared to this. Do yourself a favor-watch it only if you have to. Not worth your precious time.For some reason, this was one of the the highest grossing film of all time in Japan until Titanic came along. I can't see why.
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Secretariat (2010)
1/10
A Horse is a Horse Of Course Of Course
9 October 2010
Formula bio-pic sports flick about the wonderhorse of the 70s. Diane Lane and John Malkovich are good, but the film is very problematic. A throwback to 1930s style melodrama, the story tells us very little about Secretariat itself, but concentrates on the behind the scenes drama concerning the owner and the problems in her life. The photography is lush, but its no "Black Stallion",the music swells, and the phoney "feel good" factor manifests itself from the get-go. All it really is is a horse movie with some TV movie style meloramatics added to the scenario. Its the Triple Crown of boredom and predictability. The whole atmosphere has a scrubbed, sterile 1950s feel to it even though it takes place in the early 70s. Sad thing about it is that if you are interested in the "sport of kings", this movie will tell you very little about it. Plastic and totally predictable, a complete waste of celluloid. Trying to review a film like this objectively is the same thing as whipping a dead horse. Secretariat gets scratched at the start.If you are looking for a winner, the multiplex playing Secretariat is not the place to show. You can bet on THAT! Another PU movie review from Lou.
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1/10
Money Never Sleeps-But you Will
23 September 2010
Its some 22 years later. Gordon Gekko is out of jail. Shia La Bouf {what a macho sounding name} is romancing his daughter, and Mr Greed becomes La Bouf's mentor. Expensive looking but empty - and lethally boring morality tale does nothing to build on its predecessor. Its a strictly by the numbers banality designed to cash in on one of the most unlikable screen characters ever created. However, one can't really be too surprised because nearly every successful movie ever made always has the ineviatable sequel-even if it comes two decades after the original.I really don't want to get on a rant here about leftist America hating, Jew bashing, Iranian supporting and "Hitler was just misunderstood" director Stone, but he is just another Hollywood hypocrite who hates everything America represents- except for the money of course. In a year of CGI and 3D overkill, Money comes in as just another faceless product. Douglas is OK and I honestly and sincerely hope he recovers from his bout with cancer,but movie has nothing to recommend itself. They say that this year {2010} was one of the worst years for American films. "Money" does nothing but confirm it. And speaking of money, don't waste it on this rubbish. The reviewer who said he saw some kid playing a game on his computer before the movie started probably had more fun doing that than watching this. Who can really blame him? He realized that this movie was just another dud.Do you really want to make Oliver Stone even richer than he already is? I didn't think so.A despicable film from a despicable director. Another P U movie review from Lou !
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The A-Team (2010)
1/10
The F Minus Team
9 June 2010
Trashy TV show gets made into a trashy mind numbing "film". This time they are Gulf War veterans rather than Viet Nam vets, but everything else is the same. Amazing how a fine actor like Neeson can get duped into appearing in such drivel. He plays the George Peppard role, while the other team members are fleshed out-if I can use that term by other no-name actors. Since this is a movie, all the foul language that coudn't be used on TV is there. This migraine and, if your'e lucky sleep inducing scenario is so inconsequential that its not even worth describing. Just think TV show overkill stretched into a feature lenght movie and you'll get the idea. Everything you have seen a million times before. Explosions, car crashes, helicopter crashes, foul language and graphic violence for the sake of graphic violence. Its enough to make even a director like Michael Bay say "enough already!" I'm sure it will please die hard fans of the TV show, but it will die the death it deserves at the box office in about 2 weeks after it opens big and make the trip to Blockbuster in record time.And, lets remember one thing. In todays Hollywood there are no such things as good movies anymore. Until I see evidence of the contrary, all I have to say is that all movies are made as bad movies. Its just their degree of rottenness that raises them from abysmal, to barely watchable to mediocre with the very rare exception of one or two rising above mediocre. I really don't want to get off on a rant here, but , dear reader,this one falls somewhere between abysmal to barely watchable. At least I got to see it for free at a preview. Are YOU willing to pay good money (especially in the Obama economy} to find out how bad this one is? Thank me. I just saved you 10 bucks- not to mention a trip to the multiplex.And Hollywood-for the love of God, stop making movies that are based on TV shows. Whats next-Gilligan's Island- the movie or the movie version of Knightrider or F Troop?
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1/10
No More Remakes! {Reboots}
8 June 2010
Warning: Spoilers
Hot summertime and the remakes are lousy. Ineviatable remake of a fairly decent 80s film offers us nothing new asides from the fact that the kid is now African American and living in China after his single mother's job got her transfered there. He still gets beat up on by the school bullies and meets a girl {who seems to be a few years older than him} and, of course gets his karate training by a handyman {Chan} who is also a master in the martial arts. All the incidents are the same, except this time it is more kung fu than karate. Chan, in the role of the master is fairly decent and likable, but his limited acting range shows. Jaden Smith {Will Smiths son} also shows a little promise, but he was way better in "The Pursuit of Happiness where he showed some genuine emotion while acting with his father. The usual clichés are there. The training sequences, the "Rocky" like scenes at the high staircase and the Great Wall of China with the swelling music and a protracted overlong tournament where you know exactly what the outcome will be. At least in the original, Pat Morita showed that he can act and the film did have some genuine emotion which this version sadly lacks. The kids or very undemanding viewers will probably enjoy it, but it is definitely not for adults or anybody who, like me wonders whatever happened to creativity and originality in Hollywood. Personally, I'm sick and tired of remakes {now called reboots} of good films. Even worse is having to fork over almost ten dollars{in the Obama economy} to see one at some faceless multiplex. Leave well enough alone! I'm sure there will be a sequel, so prepare yourself now.Needless to say, they'll probably milk it to death . Aother PU movie review from Lou.
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The Last Polka (1985 TV Movie)
10/10
Shmenge!
7 June 2010
"Mockumentary" film about the Shmenge Brothers, Leutonian American Polks musicians who deciede to call it quits after a long career. Beginning in 1944 in Leutonia, a fictional Eastern European country, the film chronicles their rise to the top of the Polka music scene . Eugene Levy and John Candy are in absolutely top form as the retiring Happy Wanderers. Film works like a dream because they underplay their roles in a deadpan style that is absolutely hilarious. In color and black and white, the excellent cast features regular SCTV members. The Polka music itself is first rate and for some reason it actually respects this ethnic musical genre. I can't really say if Levy and Candy are actually playing their own instruments, but they do manage to capture the cult like retiring Polka personalities in a way that is totally believable. Their funny outfits and the dead on Eastern European accents they speak with really hit the bulls eye. The Happy Wanderers themselves remind you of those acts that played on the old Lawrence Welk show in the 60s. They are so square they are cool.The Polka music itself is so good that it really got me hooked on it. I even heard "Cabbage Rolls and Coffee" at a real wedding-a Polish wedding ! Wonder if any of the guests were aware of the "joke". Even though Levy is fine as usual,he should have been in more movies-and I don't mean the "American Pie" franchise. Candy- a great talent that was wasted in too many bad movies really shines. You believe they are real and unless you are unaware of the set up, you may think that you are actually watching a real documentary. The "tribute" to Michael Jackson is priceless. All in all, I can't recommend this movie highly enough. It makes you feel good, it makes you smile and laugh and the music is great. Even the name Shmenge is funny. I understand that it is something of a cult classic. Its easy to see why. Shmenge!
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Street Trash (1987)
10/10
This Movie is Trash- But I Mean It in A Good Way!
6 June 2010
Whats going on among the lowlives in Brooklyn? Excellent atmospheric cult thriller-horror comedy tells two stories in one and neatly ties the two together . Filmed in and around the Greenpoint and Williamsburg sections of Brooklyn before they got "gentrified", the story revolves around the mysterious meltdown deaths of some bums after they drink some Tenafly Viper-some ultra cheap booze the owner of a local liquor store finds in the basement of his shop and sells it to them for a buck. Also, a crazed Vietnam vet who lives in a junkyard , controls the car window squeegee washer racket and uses a human tibia bone carved into a knife begins to murder some locals while a detective assigned to the case tries to sort it all out. I won't say what happens when they drink the Viper, but you gotta see it to believe it! The hero is a down on his luck but likable loner-drifter bum who only late in the movie realizes that his Viper can be used for something else other than a cheap high,

and once he uses it and you see the results,not only will you want to puke, you'll laugh your ass of at what happens. Needless to say, this film is not for all tastes, but if you like the unusual you really won't be disappointed. A fine example of how good an ultra low budget film can be. No CGI, Speilbergian FX, or other pretensions, The less than shoestring budget somehow adds to the films enjoyment. Plenty of memorable scenes like the bums on the fire escape and the toilet bowl, the yuppie types getting oozed on,the shoplifting scene, the "football" game with a guy's severed Johnson, an oxygen cylinder that takes off like a rocket, and the wiseguy doorman at the Mafia restaurant. There's even a great obscenity filled takeoff on the Sinatra song "My Way" that will leave you in stitches. An impossible to define genre film that is not to be missed. Do yourself a favor and see it. You will never be the same again. I promise you that! Great fun.
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1/10
Sex Goes Abu Dhabi
20 May 2010
Urrrrgh, they're back in the ineviatable sequel, but now they go to Abu Dhabi! Pretty much the same thing as "Sex 1", but with a new location. The girls still carry on the same way while they giggle,talk about dreams, reality,goals, meeting perfect men, clothes, shoes, etc, etc, etc. There is also a performance by Chris Noth as Mr. Big {anybody care to guess why he is called that?} and he talks about the caste system, justice, social issues and the two kinds of people in the world. Obviously this guy never took a real philosophy class! There was a gay wedding where has-been Liza Minelli sings that just fell flat-not to mention it featuring every gay stereotype that can be imagined. To call this movie long is missing the point. You don't actually watch it, you endure it. There are scenes of the girls in the desert that feature the fakest looking rear projection that you've ever seen. Some of the visuals do look pretty good, but that ain't saying too much. As in Sex 1, this is the kind of movie that men get dragged to and have to admit they enjoyed it to please their dates. Again, I really can enjoy a good womans picture just as much as the next guy, but this one just ain't it. The estrogen level is so high, you can fuel a 747 with it and fly it around the world. Also, as in the first one, there are so many product placements in this film that I just couldn't count 'em all. Not really a movie in the conventional sense, its just a super expanded and padded out TV show, and a paper thin one at that. The Abu Dhabi locations are exotic looking, but , like the women themselves ,they just serve as a backdrop to hang the story on. It could have been set anywhere on Earth and the results would still be the same. Maybe I am being somewhat hard on it, but lets face it. The movies that play the multiplexes today are just products. They have no heart, soul or real worth. Everything is just the same old recycled product . Prequels, sequels, re-makes, franchises, comic book heroes and TV into movies like this. ATTENTION -Men! If you get duped into seeing this avenge yourself! Look for a revival theater , find a movie like "Great Escape", "Apocalypse Now", "The Longest Day", "Patton" or any real man movie and drag your date to go see that! Its called "payback" and its a bit-h .... you know that. This is probably the ultimate movie for the dumbed down multiplex era of lowered expectations. My rating-one star. Unless you are a Masochist, avoid it like the plague! You've been warned. Another PU movie review from Lou.
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Cop Out (2010)
1/10
Title Says It All
25 February 2010
Bruce Willis on his downward spiral. Totally predictable, by the numbers cop-buddy movie. When his rare baseball card gets stolen, Willis and Tracey plan to find the miscreants.After all, Willis is going to use the money to pay for his daughter's wedding. Bald headed Bruce sleepwalks through another movie, arguably his worst since "Surrogate"-remember that? Tracey Morgan shows some talent and a good sense of humor, but it is totally squandered in this film. This one is supposed to echo the cop-buddy films of the 80s, movies like "48hrs." and "Beverley Hills Cop".while those movies were fun and inventive for their time, they seem badly dated today. Same with this.It is so utterly predictable that you can watch it without the sound and know what exactly is going to happen next. Its really a shame. I kinda like Willis, but if he continues to do roles like this, he may soon find himself doing commercials for wine coolers again real soon. At least the movie lives up to its title -it cops out in every department, especially laughs.If you can wait 7 weeks, you'll be able to rent it at your local video store.Not really worth your time or your money.A laughless "comedy" that is more pathetic than funny. The joke is on you if you pay money to see it!
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