gibbsjb-1 Reviews

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000 Video)

May God Have Mercy on Your Soul

[14 February 2006]

"Jack Frost 2" was not created solely as a horror movie, but was also intended to be a comedic film, like "Evil Dead 2," "Army of Darkness," and "Saving Private Ryan." However, "Jack Frost 2" fails on two important issues:

1) It's a terrible horror film 2) It's a terrible comedy.

When a movie strives to incorporate both horror and comedy into a single production, then fails to accomplish either, you know you've got one of the world's most painful bombs on your hands. You see, the lure of bad horror films lies in the fact that the sheer awfulness of the movie creates a new level of entertainment. Although the film was originally meant to scare and frighten viewers, it inadvertently becomes a comedy. Every single example of blatant overacting, shoddy underacting, or special effects which would look tacky in a 6th grade science fair gets a bigger emotional reaction than any scene which attempts to convey horror via a fat sweaty guy in a wolf costume. So when a film tries to add a comedic element, and the aforementioned comedic element was composed on a bar coaster by 13 year-olds with advanced cases of ADD, you end up with a film which fails on so many levels that science has yet to identify and label all them. Am I making myself clear here? This movie isn't just 100% garbage; we're talking about a film which must've invented experimental new compression algorithms to cram 680% of garbage into one single package of filth. With that out of the way, let us proceed to the parade of shame and failure.

In case you were fortunate enough to be incarcerated or dead when the original "Jack Frost" crept out of the dumpster and found its way into video stores, allow me this chance to summarize what you missed:

1) Serial killer kills people. 2) People decide to kill serial killer. 3) Serial killer is killed on his way to be killed, but his "evil genes" become genetically mutated and mix with water. 4) Evil water turns into evil snowman, who proceeds to continue killing people. 5) Somebody kills evil snowman. 6) Director kills all remaining shreds of dignity and decides to release film instead of burning every last shred of it, as the Pope advised him to do.

As is standard in most horror film sequels, the evil bad guy somehow returns from the grave to exact revenge on the remaining cast members from the previous film, assuming none of them have taken their own lives between productions. Jack Frost's molecules of evil, which were supposedly defeated after being injected with antifreeze in the first film, are dug up from the ground and examined by people who have access to white lab coats and beakers. These so-called "scientist" begin performing a rigorous series of tests on the evil genes, apparently attempting to answer the immortal question, "what happens if I mix a green-colored chemical with a red-colored chemical?" The answer, of course, is that the chemical begins to bubble a lot and turn a different color. Movie science is a lot more pretty and direct than "real life" science, which is all about molecules and atoms and various other stupid, un-colorful, boring stuff that usually doesn't get really foamy when mixed with other chemicals.

As you can plainly see, "Jack Frost 2" isn't a very good movie. In fact, I think I'll go out on a limb and claim that it's a really terrible movie. It's not a horror film because it's not scary. It's not a comedy because it's not funny. It's ultimately a waste of 90 minutes of your life, time which could be better spent jamming rusty paper clips under your fingernails until they hit bone. The only thing remarkable about this film is the fact that it fails on so many levels. I can wholeheartedly advise every single person out there to NEVER rent this movie. It's not even entertaining in a bad way. It's just long, boring, and painfully stupid. Stay away. Stay very far away.

From Justin to Kelly (2003)

Why, God? Why?

[1/10 · 14 February 2006]

Unlike some of the entries in the endless parade of crap reviewed on this site, you might actually have heard of "From Justin to Kelly: The Tale of Two American Idols". This name recognition could potentially raise two problems. First is the prospect that you might already be familiar with the movie and thus take issue with something incorrect I might write. This differs from a review of "Idiot Vampire Movie #277" or whatever other nonsense I write about, where only four people on the planet have seen the movie in its entirety and I could have written the entire thing using a Ouija board without anyone knowing better. The second problem might be that you have actually seen the movie and so this review is redundant. Of course, anyone who watched this movie probably had enough pent up self loathing that they have already ridden the vein pain train in a lukewarm bathtub. In which case, congratulations on being dead! It is obvious you didn't quite make it into Heaven, which has a standing gag order against anything related to "American Idol". Better luck next time.

What do you get when you take two flash-in-the-pan celebrities from a reality TV show and fling them in front of a camera without any lessons in screen acting, line reading, or simulating basic human emotion? "From Justin to Kelly" decided to find out. I suppose it's fitting that one of the worst shows on television today would have managed to spawn a Hollywood film that manages to raid the lint traps of sheer ineptitude so severely that it makes "Battlefield Earth" look like a sci-fi epic for the ages. Not only could neither Justin nor Kelly act their way out of a paper bag, but they wouldn't be qualified to deliver bag lunches to the other soap actors on set. Thankfully, one half of the dynamic duo has already returned to blissful obscurity. We can only hope this movie will soon follow. I am not sure if this movie is taking place in an alternate timeframe where Kelly was never discovered and instead was forced to perform to audiences numbering in the single digits, or if it's supposed to take place in 2007 when the same will probably be true.

I suppose I can't fault the producers of "American Idol" for wanting to make another quick buck off their inexplicably popular TV show. Nor can I really fault two okayish singers lucky enough to land a starring role in a movie out of the blue because they weren't as horrible as everyone else. Someone has to be responsible for this mess, though, and I guess the most obvious blame falls on the people who voted Justin and Kelly into their positions as the final two American Idols: namely, the American public. This is all your fault, jerks. You should be ashamed.

Terror Toons (2002 Video)

Joe Castro is a Horrible Man

[14 February 2006]

While Stalin was in power in the Soviet Union, he screened and approved every single film that was released throughout his empire. He was a busy guy, what with all the time he had to spend killing his own citizens and ignoring the basic tenets of Marxism, so in one year only five new movies were released. As you can imagine, it was a stifling time for any new artists and the Soviet cinematic scene became bland and repetitive. However, I'd vote for a system like that here in the United States in a heartbeat because just so crap like "Terror Toons" would never see the light of day. I'm not sure exactly how a project this awful ever got off the ground, but I assume someone gave Joe Castro a digital camera and a "1001 Wacky Cartoon Sound FX" CD for his birthday, so he immediately went out and contracted Rudy Balli to come up with the worst script he could muster. The technical aspects of this movie - bringing cartoon characters to life and blending animation and live action - were obviously way beyond the scope of Castro's meager budget, so one has to wonder why he even thought he could get this thing off the ground. The animations - I do have to give "Terror Toons" credit for actually having any - typically consist of two or three choppy frames and blend seamlessly with the live action in the sense that Chris Rock would blend seamlessly with a Klan meeting. Add a bunch of porn stars trying to get into legitimate acting, a couple of guys in moronic suits, and a few thousand spiral effects to the mix and you've got yourself a healthy dose of "Terror Toons!" How nice for you.

As if "Terror Toons" wasn't bad enough to stand on its own, the movie begins with an introduction by the official Brain Damage Films narrator. His freakish spiky hair and inability to speak more than three words a minute never fail to spook audiences. Specifically, they are spooked by the fact that a production company could actually have low enough standards to let this Chromosome 21 trifecta speak on camera. The narrator not only sets the mood, he spoils the last half of the movie entirely by revealing that Cindy is the only one who can stop the villains. Good job. Once Captain Obvious finally finishes ruining the one bit of quasi-suspense the movie has to offer, we blast into the action like an illegally maintained scud missile missing U.S. troops (zing! Take that, Saddam!).

There's no way to possibly capture everything that's wrong with "Terror Toons" in only one review. At first, I thought it was worse than "Nukie." I'm wrong, of course. Nothing could possibly be worse than "Nukie." However, "Terror Toons" certainly comes pretty damn close. It just boggles my mind that this movie actually got made considering that they couldn't possibly achieve the sort of effects that the script called for with such a small budget. Applying cartoon physics to the real world is an interesting idea, but it's executed so poorly in this movie that it ends up hurting a lot more than it helps. Strip away the cartoon aspects - the awful graphics, the irritating sound effects, the insultingly bad editing - and all the movie has left is a moronic script and a bunch of actors who aren't even remotely believable in their roles. The Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin suits weren't frightening, they were laughable. I actually feel bad for the actors inside the suits. They might have actually been putting effort into trying to move like their characters, but since Joe Castro insisted on putting their every move in fast motion, they just come across as nuisances. The music is a travesty. There are three songs in the entire movie - the blatant "Beetlejuice" ripoff, the grating strip Ouija song, and the frankly confusing disco song. The music isn't nearly as bad as the sound effects, though. Dr. Carnage's laugh makes fingernails on a blackboard seem like a pleasant memory. I've had more fun listening to my dentist drilling my molars. "Terror Toons" was doomed from the start. The plot is a whole new level of lame. The villains disco and the main character turns into a pink freaking super hero and tries to beat up Satan. I have to imagine that Joe Castro woke up one morning after a month-long peyote bender, saw all the "Terror Toons" crap around his bedroom and said, "My God, what have I done?" Oh, and before I forget, that little boy at the very end of the movie was the creature designer's son. They couldn't even get a single child without resorting to nepotism. What a trainwreck.