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8/10
Original, well-acted and honestly...it scared the crap out of me.
9 July 2011
Warning: Spoilers
This coming from a jaded old horror hound like myself is saying a lot...this movie scared the crap out of me for the sound alone.

The sound design in this movie was superb - many of the moments where the characters were being tortured with the discordance I too felt distinctly and even rather deeply uncomfortable by the audio which is surprising to me but fact.

A gorgeous breath of fresh air amidst a sea of stock "generic, unlikeable teens go to location, romp and get killed in various, bloody ways" films.

Solid acting, excellent pacing and tension, all-in-all a grand-slam for me. Highly recommended.

Now I am left actually feeling jarred by the sounds I heard... think I'll go listen to some Boards of Canada or something.
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Zombie Wars (2007 Video)
1/10
Anyone who rated this above 3 is obviously cast or crew.
16 December 2008
Warning: Spoilers
Abysmal, awful, terrible garbage from beginning to end.

The acting, the actors, the direction, the wardrobe, the script, the camera work, the dialog, the story, the continuity, suspension of disbelief, the effects...everything about this movie fails. Everything about this "movie" was laughably poor, clumsy, amateurish and a downright stupid, that I'm 100% sure that anyone who rated it above a 3 worked on it. One of the "plants" even told me as much. Not even the "plants" remain loyal to this waste of film.

This "movie" makes Troma films look like Oscar pieces. I've never actually seen a film as bad as this...and I've seen "Death Tunnel." My friend uses his camcorder to make movie shorts and they're more well executed than this.

There was not a single thing I thought to be skilled or well done in this film at all. Everything right down to the core was worst than some of the feeblest first year film school attempts at film making I've seen over the years.

I've seen better acting in teenage "Live action role playing", actually scratch that... It was on par with a teenage "Live action role playing" because that's what it came off as. A bunch of amateurs overacting and making up the story as they went along whilst being directed by a pimply faced virgin who lives in his mother's basement. "Raawr! I'm a zombie!" "Grawr! I'm the HEAD zombie!' "Oh wow you brought stage blood? Awesome!" "Yeah I know right?" On that note, I've seen better makeup at our annual,local zombie walk.

Then there's story. Oh god the story was so abysmal I don't even know where to start! The script in it's entirety was so shockingly stupid, trite and just plain embarrassing from the dialog right down to the characters, that I'm not sure where to start save saying that it was just total garbage and had no merit whatsoever. I've read fanfics written by randy pre-teens that were more cohesive, polished, believable and well crafted. The script was agonizing. Simply every single element of this "film" was so terrible that words escape me.

Highlights:

  • Mentally challenged slave women (who managed to find bleach and support garments during their "lives of captivity" as "zombie slaves".) Words cannot express how unfathomably bad the lead love interest "Star" is a she smacks her lips, stares into space, struggles with hard words such as "food" and exudes about as much charisma as a blow up doll.


  • "Zombies" in scissor shredded clothes, stage blood and clown makeup... who care about hygiene...and seem to have sex drives.


  • Zombies that "attack" by groaning and brushing heroes with outstretched but don't bite even when a heroes flesh is millimeters away from their mouths.


  • Zombies that stop "attacking" and stand perfectly still to be shot, even when there are many of them crowding on person with a gun.


  • Cages that have bars wide enough that even a fat person could slip between the bars.


  • Male actors trying to look macho/pull a Bruce Campbell...but coming off more like gay porn actors fumbling through their dialog before the "action".


  • Female roles (beyond the retarded slave women mentioned above) are butchy and resemble the female high school gym teacher some of us had.


  • "Survivors" with clean clothes, fussy haircuts and 2 day stubble.


  • Sets that a heavy rain fall would destroy


  • Headache inducing oversaturated colors


  • Dialog so strained and awkward the actors even look embarrassed.


...Oh god make it stop!! The list goes on and on!!

I watched the credits roll after and laughed that it so anyone in my film family wouldn't accidentally hire anyone who worked on this film.

Not even bad enough to be good. AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!
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Masters of Horror: Right to Die (2007)
Season 2, Episode 9
8/10
Gets under your skin
4 February 2007
Maybe it's just because I have an intense fear of hospitals and medical stuff, but this one got under my skin (pardon the pun). This piece is brave, not afraid to go over the top and as satisfying as they come in terms of revenge movies. Not only did I find myself feeling lots of hatred for the screwer and lots of sympathy towards the "screwee", I felt myself cringe and feel pangs of disgust at certain junctures which is really a rare and delightful thing for a somewhat jaded horror viewer like myself. Some parts are very reminiscant of "Hellraiser", but come off as tribute rather than imitation. It's a heavy handed piece that does not offer the viewer much to consider, but I enjoy being assaulted by a film once and awhile. This piece brings it and doesn't appologize. I liked this one a lot. Do NOT watch whilst eating pudding.
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Masters of Horror: The Washingtonians (2007)
Season 2, Episode 12
1/10
Terrible beyond any stretch of the imagination/
4 February 2007
I'm not sure if this was trying to be fresh, funny, , satyrical scary or WHAT. Whatever this was trying to accomplish, it was astronomically poor. Almost as bad as Death Tunnel! Not only he acting is of the worst caliber possible, (the acting so abysmal I liken it to something I'd see on an Infomercial), the dialogue is unintentionally hilarious, the premise although creative comes off as ridiculous and somehow old men in bright red lipstick and blush just don't come off as scary. It was like the geratric Rocky Horror Picture Show featuring George Washington in the "Washington Cox" animation by "Creased Comics" (which I highly recommend for a laugh and which you MUST watch if you're going to watch this piece o' poop whilst you're drunk or something ). Incredibly, phenomenally BAD. Good to point and laugh at and that's about all.
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Skulhedface (1994 Video)
6/10
Surprisingly funny, blood-soaked silliness.
20 November 2006
All your favorite, cuddly, weapon wielding, huge-membered GWAR characters + Jello Biafra and a little budget = a fun little movie, over the top, exceedingly silly and possessing the creativity that made GWAR so well-loved in the first place.

This is not something that can readily be enjoyed by all, the self-satire and GWAR brand mythos may totally go over some people's heads. But people who find splattergore, untasteful humor, campiness and the whole GWAR thing amusing will have a laugh at this, moreso if you've had a few beers and are feeling silly to begin with.

I'm probably forgetting to mention that the last time I watched this I was a teenager, so maybe I've matured and won't find it as amusing as I once did. But considering how many times we watched it in various basements and various cities, there must have been something that didn't suck about it. Knowing me, I'd probably still find it hilarious.

Raunchy, Obscene and politically incorrect and possessing enough goofy, scatological, gory retardedness as it offers.

Recommended to GWAR fans, stoned teenagers, people trying to annoy their roommates/parents and people in love with dead dogs named "Pookie".

Not recommended for Britany Spears fans, Al Gore, People can't temporarily regress to a Beavis and Butthead like state and laugh at the blood-soaked silliness of it all and people who can't find the humor in a talking penis or giant, amorphic, farting monster with Hitler's head.
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9/10
Brilliant
20 November 2006
This video takes political satire, Subgenuis-esquire humor and sampling to a whole new level.

Songs are composed, with the visuals from their sample source often "sung" by prominent politicians, lobotomized homemakers, army grunts and preening French actors.

This is a brilliant piece in it's own right and has the power to delight digital musicians, Negativland people, Mariah Carey haters, politically dubious or drug-addled teens alike.

Undoubtedly clever, absurdly hilarious and damn catchy.

If you like the idea of George Bush furrowing his brow and stoically singing "We Will Rock You", this video may make you giggle like a schoolgirl.

Unique and recommended.
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10/10
A necessity.
20 November 2006
REPENT! QUIT YOUR JOB! SLACK OFF! The world ends tomorrow and YOU MAY DIE! ARE WE CONTROLLED BY SECRET FORCES? ARE ALIEN SPACE MONSTERS BRINGING A STARTLING NEW WORLD? Do people think you're strange? DO YOU? THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY ON THE RIGHT TRACK!

The words ring true in my squishy head and they always have.

This video has been playing in the background of my parties/living room for years and I find that I end up watching it every year or so just because I need it like Bob Dobbs needs $lack. I think it has either damaged my brain and/or possibly made it better.

I rate it a 10 because I'm a member of the "church" and Arise! embodies everything that kept me enamored with the art and essays of the church since I was a belligerent teenaged girl and beyond.

A fragrant/flagrant touch of cheesiness and camp and delicious bite-sized prairie squid flavored morsels of pure, hysterical, stark- raving, frothing, self-indulgence and reckless abandon.

9/10 people won't understand it, but residual Subgenuii/yeti people,Quarks, Kooks, Heretics, Lunatics, Defilers of God will no doubt be watching this masterpiece/piece of crap as we set off in leaky vessels Towards holes in the horizon.

If you couldn't understand this review, Arise! Will probably damage you permanently. But it's a SubG staple and if you're partial to Devo/Nagativland-esquire humor, bad 80's rap, pretty colors, drugs and a general loathing for the status quo...do quit your job, repent, slack off and join us as we embark into a divine state of infinite mental inactivity and total resignation to the ridiculous.

myspace.com/lexfulgore2
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1/10
F.a.a.K S.u.c.K.S
2 August 2006
Appallingly poor quality animation akin to straight to video gems such as "The Land Before Time 8", terrible lip-synching and voice acting, 1-dimensional, undetailed characters, extra cheesy CGI that might have been impressive in the early 90's, horrible "Korn style" screaming gorilla music that may appeal to angsty 14 year old boys and bland landscape after bland cityscape make "Heavy Metal 2000" a sad sight to behold. The original Heavy Metal contained endearing characters with beautiful voice acting, a wonderful sense of humor, great music, extremely detailed characters and landscapes and knew it was a little campy. Heavy Metal 2000 (fabulous title, don't you think?) takes itself *way* too seriously, but comes off as a weekly crap He-Man style escapade complete with She-Ra with a big black Cher wig on.

Extremely bad. Do yourself a favor and miss this one. Avoid like the plague.
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Masters of Horror: Homecoming (2005)
Season 1, Episode 6
9/10
Awesome
19 June 2006
This one had us laughing our asses off and thinking as well. An unexpected dose of satire, wit and political commentary wrapped up into a clever and poignant piece that will be doubly enjoyed by zombie fans and anti Bush people. A few touching moments are also to be found as are a high level of self aware campiness and intelligent parody. Not a horror per se, but a fun piece nonetheless and good fodder for the typical horror junkie wanting to partake in some lighter fare. This is a real popcorn piece and may be desirable to those who loved "They Live" or any old zombie picture for that matter. The zombies are not particularly scary, but the new twist had us thoroughly enjoying this one and as long as the tongue remains planted firmly in the cheek it's one to watch. Recommended!
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Masters of Horror: Sick Girl (2006)
Season 1, Episode 10
8/10
Fun, offbeat and as quirky as hell
18 June 2006
This is the tale of two rather off color people finding each other and staying together under very unusual and perverse conditions. I wouldn't label this as strictly a horror short...it borders more on black comedy and quietly pays tribute to the B-movies before it's time. The main thing it has going for it is that the two main characters (played by the fabulous Angela Bettis Misty Mundae) are extremely endearing and fun to watch go through the twisted hand fate dealt them. This is a very intimate, often hilarious and soulful film with a few solid creepy segments and an absurd storyline. Bottom line, it's enjoyable, quirky as hell and definitely worth watching.
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Slither (2006)
9/10
Good, gooey fun! (****possible spoilers*****)
8 April 2006
Lovecraft, zombies, ufos, rotten meat, predatory pests, monster love, dead cows, razor tentacle whipping, good old fashioned splattergore blood, goo and spew, alien sex fiends....what more could we ask for?

Slither is a breath of fresh air and the most fun i've had in a movie theater in a good long while!

Campy, self-aware and surprisingly well-executed, "Slither" borrows from horror movie history with savvy and intelligence whilst remaining tight and refreshingly entertaining.

Ranging from whimsical to downright disgusting, this film takes us on a glorious tribute to b-horror and gives us only the creme (or slime) of the crop and should not be missed!

Highly recommended.
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10/10
Fun, action-packed, and genuinely entertaining
8 February 2006
I am usually a hardcore horror viewer, but what can I say? "The Incredibles" was a surprisingly fresh breath of air and a delight to watch. Fast-paced, often hilarious and beautifully executed, "The Incredibles" is a film that anyone (including horror addicts like myself) can enjoy in any capacity from ages 5 to 100. The animation and rendering are gorgeous and the characters are round and lovable. The sense of humor is wacky, but also substantial and never lowbrow. With endearing and memorable characters and bona-fide action sequences that'll have you laughing and on the edge of your seat at the same time, "The Incredibles" comes highly recommended to anyone simply wanting to watch something light but satisfying at the same time. Highly recommended!
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10/10
Tetsuo...how do I love thee?
28 January 2006
Tetsuo is one of my favorite movies. With a riveting soundtrack (pardon the pun), incredible "diy" style effects, subtle metaphors and staggering self-awareness, Tetsuo remains a film that stands alone as a "one of a kind" that has earned its place in subculture history for years to come. Revoting, sexy, absurd, humorous, driving and cryptic, Tetsuo is a film that may leave you scratching your head, but you'll be doing it with a smile on your face and an urge to gather up your art supplies, throw on some Skinny Puppy and have yourself a canvas mutilation session. I give this film 10/10 because I can find no wrong with it. It's not for everyone, but for some it fits like a virulent cybernetic viral arm cast in velvet.
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Koroshiya 1 (2001)
9/10
You'll laugh, you'll cry...you'll hurl!
28 January 2006
This is a seriously FUN film. My husband and I found ourselves laughing our asses off while alternately cringing. This film is shocking, twisted and at the same time clever, self-aware, stylish and extremely comedic. What's not to like? I highly recommend this film for lovers of splattergore and Asian shock film. You'll laugh, you'll cry...you'll hurl! The antagonists are often as despicable and synonymously lovable as the protagonists in this film. No lines are drawn as to who is right or wrong...all the characters bear their own crosses and harbor their own maladies and neuroses. The soundtrack is also quite interesting...quasi-industrial style music.
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Death Tunnel (2005)
1/10
Abysmal
28 January 2006
Pitiful acting, incomprehensible editing, cliché "scares", terrible story and a thoroughly pointless waste of time. Better acting has been observed in high school dramas than in this messy, amateurish effort. The only redeemable feature of this bomb is the location. This is very poor film making at its very worst. It's like "House on Haunted Hill" mated with an 80's teen aged sex/slasher romp and bore a hideously deformed mess of half-naked horse-faced women and a shockingly unimaginative plot story unsuccessfully held together by effects that one could enjoy watching a movie made by teenagers who have access to a camera, a computer and a spooky location. Did I mention this movie sucks? AVOID.

Note: Many of the "reviews" for this incredibly poor film seem to be written by people who actually worked on this film or were hired to promote it. Go read a book or watch something that will leave you with something besides the vague sense of being robbed of 90 minutes of your life that you'll never get back.
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10/10
A visually stunning journey through ethics and philosophy of artificial intelligence.
9 December 2004
The first thing that must be said about this film, is that the visuals and imagery are breathtaking. Yet it does not rely solely on our awe. The plot, although very complicated and often convoluted, is rich and laden with allegories, philosophy, analysis and even theology. At first glance, the characters appear to be static and somewhat stoic, but when one thinks about it, the characters are that way to represent the similarities we share with "dolls." Does an effigy infused with meaning and symbol constitute as a being on it's own accord? Or are we simply defined by the mere fact that we are alive? The film is laden with imagery suggesting the war/hybridization of: nature vs. machines/synthetic life, how machines mimic nature, how tradition becomes assimilated by it, and how reality may or may not be a virtual construct based on our own perspective. This is an intellectual, symbolic film that not only gives eye-candy galore, but also delivers more cerebral fare than most films. Although the characters are ultimately forgettable (save the expressive dog owned by Bateau,) one can perceive that too as being a tool to suggest that ultimately, we are all drones living our predictable lives...perhaps unaware of more intricate powers and forces surrounding us. Whether you watch this film for the state-of-the-art visuals or the perceivably potent content, I recommend this film enthusiastically for anyone who would like to think...or just say "ah" at the incredible scenery.
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10/10
All time fav. Beautiful, visceral, multi-layered and vaguely erotic.
10 October 2004
Clive Barker is still the king. He brings us to a world where monsters have politics, the 5 senses rule, and we sometimes question whether our pre-notions of pain are as accurate as we think. The Hellraiser series is a lush, nightmarish, subliminal journey into human desire, masochism, mythos and madness. Pinhead is not so much the generic, evil antagtonist as he is a source of comfort and logic sometimes. Clive Barker has often toyed with our preconceptions that all "monsters" must be blindly destructive brutes, as opposed to the endearingly rational and decidedly intelligent Cenobites. Perhaps the fact that I have Cenobites tattooed makes me biased;) But it's still a unique piece with gorgeous imagery (to some.) Angels to some, demons to others... If you haven't seen Hellraiser 1 and 2 (the rest are not so great IMHO)...you must!
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