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Terror Inside (2008)
1/10
Brain. Numbingly. Bad !!!!!
30 May 2016
I don't know if I can summon the words to describe just how terrible this stinkburger really is, but I'm going to give it a try.

On IMDb's rating system of one to ten stars, this rates very high in the NEGATIVE double-digit numbers.

The production values are absolutely non existent; I'd be very surprised to learn that it wasn't done in someone's basement and back yard, and shot on their cell phone.

The "performances" ? Well, what can I say ? I have never seen Corey Feldman exhibit ANYTHING that could EVER be mistaken for the smallest speck of acting talent, and he has tons more than the entire rest of the cast COMBINED !!!

Then we move on to the "direction". Have you ever seen any of the movies that Spielberg did when he was 10 years old and borrowed his father's camera...where he used toy soldiers and fire crackers to make war movies ? Those were LEAPS and BOUNDS better than this.

The bottom line is that if Ed Wood had done this movie, he would have been too embarrassed to release it.
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12 Days of Terror (2004 TV Movie)
1/10
A cliché riddled waste of time
28 April 2016
This is a made for TV movie based on a series of shark attacks that took place off the New Jersey shore in July of 1916.

Anyone who remembers all of the awful TV movies from the '70's and '80's, with their clichéd scripts, amateurish direction, horrible acting and complete lack of anything that could ever be mistaken for production values, will know what I mean when I say that this "horror" story belongs to that era.

The entire production comes across as if a bunch of 12-year-olds who had just seen "JAWS" decided to make a copy of it, wrote a script, got a hold of some equipment in a pawn shop, and convinced the worst community theater members they could find to play the characters.

John Rhys-Davies has been involved in one bad TV movie after another, and the only reason for this that I can figure out, is that he must work cheap; the last half-way good acting job he did was in "SHOGUN" in 1980, and in this he is simply awful...and he's the best one in this cast.

Someone named Jack Sholder is listed as the director. Going by this effort he seems to be Ed Wood reincarnated...either that, or he was somewhere else while this was being produced.

All in all, I have to say that if you have an hour and a half free, and if you spent it banging your head on a wall, that would be less painful than watching this genuinely horrible horror movie.
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Don Jon (2013)
1/10
I wisi I could use a word more descriptive than TRASH
20 December 2013
Most people who know me know that I am a movie lover...a real, genuine, lover of the medium of movies. And they don't even have to be very good for me to like them...I just like movies. Add to that that I think that Scarlett Johansen is one of the most talented, classy, beautiful, and charismatic young actresses in movies today. Now try to imagine how horrible a movie has to be that she stars in, that has a supporting cast that includes Glenne Headly, for me to say that that movie DOES NOT HAVE EVEN ONE REDEEMING QUALITY !!! Several years ago a movie came out that had in the leading roles two absolute "A" list stars; it was a WW II spy thriller that was getting rave revues. Because of my finances at the time, I didn't go to see it when it first came out...I waited until it came to the one dollar theater around the corner from where I lived. It was SO bad that, not only did I walk out, but I demanded my dollar back, and the next day, wrote a letter to the production company telling them what an insult to humanity that piece of crap was. What's my point ? you ask...Well, I answer, that stinkburger was leaps and bounds better than the little gem that prompted me to write this...an absolute pile of trash entitled "Don Jon". AVOID THIS TRASH AT ALL COSTS. I consider myself to be a fairly articulate individual, but, I swear, I have no words to describe how awful this thing is. My fondest hope is that Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who wrote, directed, and stars in this garbage pit is never allowed near a camera or a film set again...that would be doing the universe at large an ENORMOUS favor.
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First Winter (2012)
1/10
A whole new dimension of boredom
18 April 2013
This may very well be the most boring movie ever made.

The best advice I can give to anyone thinking of watching this thing is: read a synopsis of it, then tell everyone whom you may want to convince that you are a completely pretentious, absolutely phony, laughably artsy fartsy horse's ass how good you think it is.

However, if you want to watch something more interesting, I'd say take your shoes and sox off and watch your toenails grow; that would be much more interesting than this appalling waste of time.

The seems to have been no script. I have no problem with improvisation if the people doing it are talented enough to pull it off; these people aren't.

I doubt if there even WAS a director, and the "acting" was an embarrassment.

Unfortunately, one is the lowest rating that can be given here...a negative 64 would be closer to the mark
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The Life Zone (2011)
1/10
Not a horror movie...a horror of a movie
24 March 2013
As vile as Hitler's propaganda films before and during WW II, they weren't as vile as this disgusting piece of crap !!

This is nothing but an anti-abortion rant. And, yes, I said "anti-abortion", NOT pro-life...the anti-abortionists have no problem with a woman who decides to terminate an unwanted pregnancy dies while having an illegal procedure done in less than medical conditions, and that doesn't qualify as "pro-life"...but, I digress; the point here is that this an unbelievably vile propaganda polemic that is so badly conceived ( no pun intended ), horribly directed, ridiculously written, and talentlessly acted, that no-one who has any idea of respect for themselves or their time should waste even one second of that time on this horrible, disgusting, cesspool of a movie.
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1/10
Is there a word for "A thousand miles beyond horrible" ?
26 January 2013
As simply as I can put it...If the international film community has ANY respect at all for Humanity at large, based on this movie alone, they will ban James Toback for life from ever again exposing the world to even one more megapixel of his garbage. Choose any one element that goes toward making a movie, and in this one it will be terrible. The dialog is ridiculous; the characters are unlikeable; the story was just plain stupid; my 9 year old granddaughter would have done a far superior job of directing and editing; and for the vast majority of the time wasted watching this thing, the soundtrack is some of the most appalling noise I've ever heard. Not enough for you ? Well then, to top it all off, Mike Tyson, is in it . That's right, you read it right, MIKE TYSON. You know, the ex boxer...the one with the IQ that matches his shoe size. And, trust me...he has a LOT more intelligence than acting talent !!! If you place any value on your time you'll avoid this stinkburger at ALL COSTS !!!!
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Smile (II) (2009)
Painful...actually painful, to watch
19 January 2013
Have you ever had a dentist drill into the nerve of a tooth when you had no Novocaine ? If so, then you've come close to how painful it is to sit through this appalling excuse for a movie...or at least for the first half (or so) of it ( that's all I could stand...and THAT wasn't easy !)

The plot,(young Americans on a trip abroad start dying off in increasingly revolting ways) has only been done about a thousand times, and in 99 of every hundred of those thousand times it was done better.

The "acting" is not just an embarrassment to the acting profession, to to the entire movie industry...no... to the entire ENTERTAINMENT industry...no...to ALL OF HUMANITY !!!

The dialog was well beyond ludicrous, and the direction seemed to be non-existent.

If you've ever seen a movie for free that was so bad you wished you had paid to see it JUST so you could demand your money back...I'm going to guess that it was THIS movie.

To sum it all up...at one point one of the characters says "This is the worst vacation I've ever been on.", and I swear that the first thing that came into my mind was "Yeah ? Well cheer up pal...you COULD be watching THIS piece of crap !!!"
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Antichrist (2009)
1/10
Why was this ever made ?
26 December 2012
If you're snowed in with nothing to do; if you have no friends and are bored nearly out of your mind; if your life is so bereft of ANY form of enjoyment or excitement that most of your time is spent just staring off into space.

If ALL of the above apply to you and if you have only one DVD available to watch, and it's this one, your best bet would be to throw the disc away and go outside and count snowflakes; or stay inside and count the hairs and pores on your arm, study the lint in your navel...all of those things as well as ANYTHING else you could POSSIBLY think of would be a better way to spend one hundred and eight minutes of your life. ( Actually it could be longer, depending on how long you sit there in stunned silence wondering WHY you ever decided to watch this unbelievably pretentious pile of garbage )

I'm not sure about this, but I think it was meant to be thought-provoking, but the ONLY thought it provoked in me was to wonder why an actor of Willem Dafoe's caliber would ever stoop to something like this.

It's too bad that we can only rate movies here from one to ten; on this one I'd have to go somewhere in the area of negative twelve.

Do yourself a HUGE favor and find SOMETHING worthwhile to do with the time you would have spent watching this movie...something much more fun, like...oh...I don't know,...say, going to the dentist to have an infected root-canal worked on...
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9/10
A wonderful surprise
23 December 2012
If I hadn't read the summary of this little gem here on IMDb, I'd never have watched this movie, and that would have been my loss.

This is a parody of the entire " Teenagers In The Woods Being Killed Off By Degenerate Hillbillies" genre, and it really works. It slams just about EVERY cliché in those movies and does it very well.

It's very well written and acted. The direction was spot-on, as was the costuming and the cinematography.

Don't misunderstand me...this movie will NOT win any Academy Awards; what it WILL do, however is provide an hour and a half of viewing filled with laughs for anyone who is a fan of slasher movies and would enjoy seeing them well parodied, or anyone who hates those movies and would enjoy seeing them slammed.

Whichever category you might ( or might not ) fall into, give this fun film a try...you'll be happy you did.
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The List (2000)
1/10
An absolute embarrassment to the entertainment industry
21 December 2012
Last night I watched parts of a schlock horror movie that some friends of mine in Wichita, Ks were in that was made in the mid '60s. The people who MADE this little epic advise you not to watch it because it's so awful.

The only reason I mention that is because that TERRIBLE movie was better than this one !!!

The dialog,in this movie sounds like it was written by a 7th grader, it may, in fact set a record for the number of clichés in one movie.

The acting...well, what can I say ? Ryan O'Neal turns in his usual utterly bland, boring performance. Madchen Amick, whose on screen "talent" has always been directly related to how little she's wearing at the time, is dressed for the entire movie so she is , of course, desperately bad. Even an actor of the magnitude of Ben Gazzarra was bad in this movie.

When you add juvenile directing and very poor production values overall, well, the time you've spent reading this review is 4 times more time than you should give to this absolute waste of good film stock.
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Fright Night (2011)
1/10
A remake that should have NEVER been made
23 November 2012
I'm a big fan of the 1985 original "Fright Night". I'm not saying that it's ever going to be thought of as being in a class with "Casablanca" or "Citizen Kane", but it's a fun diversion and does boast a truly excellent performance from Roddy Mcdowell, good performances from William Ragsdale and Stephen Geoffreys, and possibly the most menacing and frightening vampires I've ever seen in Chris Sarandon. Hell, even the presence of Amanda Bearse wasn't too offensive !!

On the other hand, I've just watched the remake and find it hard to believe that, even with some of the absolutely awful movies that are being released now, that this unutterable piece of crap could have EVER made it to a screen.

There is NOT ONE likable character in this version, and to add insult to injury, they're all so badly played that you won't know whether to laugh or cry.

All in all, unless you are a teenage girl with an IQ that pretty much matches your bra size, and thinks that the completely ridiculous "Twilight" things are "Like, soooo coool, avoid this horror story of a horror story LIKE THE PLAGUE...which, come to think of it, probably would have been more fun to watch.
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The Raven (2006 Video)
1/10
A new standard for "BAD" in movie-making
2 September 2012
What can I say ? Anyone who believes that "Plan Nine From Outer Space" is the worst movie ever made REALLY NEEDS to see this stinkburger. The writing is the essence of stupidity, the acting is an embarrassment, the direction is non-existent, the cinematography, done on disc and never even transferred to film, is horrible.

This thing definitely has set an entirely new standard for how terrible a movie can be. As someone who has been an actor for 35 years, and has been a true lover of the medium of movies, and as someone who has seen ALL the bad ones, from "Plan Nine From Outer Space" to "The Undertaker and His Pals" to "Shining Through", I will tell you all that if you see this in a store or in a library STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM IT AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN !!!!! It's so bad that you shouldn't even read the cover !!!!
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