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A lot of hype, yet so much tripe....
6 November 2005
A lot of people have been excited about this movie for a long time now. After all, it is Disney's first non-pixar 3D film. However, that anticipation, I felt, was unnecessary, and, more to the point, unrealistic.

Besides having decently good animation, as well as an interesting voice over cast, Chicken Little had nothing going for it. A film like this could have been made by anyone with Flash (If they dedicated a few years of their time to it). More to the point, this film, unlike most Disney pictures, was only meant to entertain young children, and possibly the few adults out there who still remember a time when there were only 7 channels on T.V., and everybody knew how to spell Mickey Mouse's name.

I took my son to this movie, and, to put it simply, we were both thoroughly disappointed. After all, potty humor can only take you so far. Granted, there were a number of scenes that I did find entertaining, and there were also a lot of references to classic songs and films. The fact still remains that there is an entire 90 second scene where 4 of the characters discuss how to articulate "Urine". "Pee!" "Tinkle!" "Wee-Wee!".

Another annoying scope to this flick is that it is utterly generic. Main character see's something unbelievable. Nobody believes him. Main character quests for the truth, yada yada yada (I won't ruin the predictable ending for you)... But, I mean, for those of you out there who have seen the flick, wasn't that ending complete B.S.?

I'm sorry to those of you who saw the movie with your kids or by yourself, and thought that it was great. I know bad movies. I know good movies. This flick, while not necessarily BAD, was definitely not an Oscar winner. It looks like the Oscars might have to pass on that "Animated feature" award this year, with the only other candidates being "Valiant", and "Robots".

Do yourself a favor. Go see Walace and Gromit or Corpse Bride.
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If the movie doesn't make you sick, junior's voice will
3 August 2005
Seriously! You've just got to see this movie to understand everything that is wrong with it. It came out during the time period where everybody was trying to make family movies that everyone could enjoy (The little rascals; Mr. Nanny, etc.) yet it lacked any charisma or enthusiasm. Every single character in the movie is driven by rage, with the exception of Trixie's mother, who shows only aggravation and weariness, possibly at the tired cliché's this movie enjoys.

To put it simply, the biggest flaw in the film was not the acting, nor the filming, but most notably the writing. The lines we receive are reminiscent of Disney classics, although this film lacks the whole-heartedness IL' Walt managed to pull off. Junior's Dad, (John Ritter) makes you mad without even doing anything, simply because he allows Junior to run around unsupervised, and only gives him a stern warning when he tapes a 200-pound behemoth to a chalk board.

Also, Junior's grandfather is particularly excruciating. For those of you who saw the first one, found it nauseating, and thus, did not see the second one, "Big Ben Healy" as he is referred to in this movie, is still a total douche. He basically barges into John Ritter's house uninvited, settles himself in Junior's room, even though he says that he hates Junior, and basically does nothing to accelerate the film's speed, or to support the film in any way. Rather, he ticks off the audience by being a lazy free loader.

Finally, we are introduced to a wide variety of new characters, such as the smug, obnoxious, Trixie, who carries dynamite in her backpack, which she first lights, then hands, to Junior, who simply stares wide eyed at. Also, Gilbert Gottfried returns in this film, this time playing the obnoxious principal at Junior's new elementary school. If Gilbert Gottfried ain't enough to get the point across, I will put it simply: This film reeks!

2/10 stars, because the actor's convictions shine through the film, even though the script sucks.
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Merlin's shop of Hash and Trolls..........
31 July 2005
"I'm Sorry"

WHAT THE HECK WERE THEY THINKING?!? Merlin's shop of Mystical Wonders is definitely one of the worst cinematic excuses I have ever seen. To put it simply, what the Godfather did for film, this movie accomplishes basically the exact opposite.

"Whoops, ah farted"

First of all, the Godfather was an amazing spectacle which sent a chill down the spine while also bringing a tear to the eye. This movie sends a yellow streak through the pants, while bringing a yawn to the lips. Just as one of the characters ages during the film after performing magic(A butt wipe critic who goes ballistic on Merlin for claiming to be himself, while Merlin, in turn, voraciously apologizes for no reason, thus the quote above) so shall you. The magic feat of your doing, however, will be sitting through this 10 ton turkey without cowering.

"Have you seen my monkey?"

As you may or may not have heard, there are two parts too this movie. The first part involves a man (Afforementioned) who threatens to shut Merlin's shop down if Merlin fails to present him with real magic. Merlin, being the nice guy he is, gives him the critic a book that ages him 40 years, turning him into what looks like a fight between Bill Nye the science guy and a 17th century powdered wig.

"Now, where did I put that great clips coupon"

The second part, which is actually a separate movie from director Ken Burton, who decided to cram the two together into an obvious fusion. Basically, a burglar steals a monkey, which can kill, and this makes Merlin really.......... sad. He basically first starts to mope, and then goes out and searches the city for the toy. He has no luck, until a random lady happens to remember seeing one of the thousand identical toys in a shop window. Meanwhile, in the same, yet different movie, a man buys his kid a toy, and it starts killing stuff by clanging it's cymbals together. Boring things happen, and some people almost die, and the man acts like a retard and almost falls in a pit, and we all cheer when the movie is finally over.

"It makes your greatest wish come true"."Then why are you still standing here?"

One thing I forgot to mention is that the whole movie is narrated by an old man with a giant gap in his two front teeth, who sent a chill down my spine every time he smiled. Of course, since the T.V. wouldn't work, he decided he would scare his Grandson (The worst child actor ever seen) crap less. Basically, the title of the film leads you to believe that this film is a children's flick about magic and sappy joy and hearty, squeaky-clean love. SCREW THAT! Cats get lit on fire, animals get burned, and worst of all, we have to endure it all with the gap-toothed Ernest Borgnine! Yargh. 1/10 stars is just too much
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In my opinion, the greatest thing to ever happen to T.V.
27 July 2005
basic synopsis: Joel Hodgeson, along with his robots Tom Servo, Crow, and Gypsy, is held captive thousands of miles above the earth, in the satellite of love (S.o.L.), where he is forced to endure gruelingly bad movies. Joel, rather than succumb to the terrifying badness of the films, makes slapstick puns, which Tom Servo and Crow easily join in on. Joel also creates weekly inventions for Frank, the man who shot him into space. Inventions include the comic grinder, which mixes boring comics with other boring comics to create FUN!!! comics, i.e. "Ziggy got Garfield neutered?!? NOW THAT'S FUNNY!"

Even after 10 seasons, the humor never ran down or let up. In fact, the only notable difference was the change in humor styling, from Joel to Mike. What happened, basically, was Joel either decided to quit, or was fired from, the cast of MST3K. His replacement was Mike Nelson, who did an equally good job commentating on movies. Anyways, where Joel brought a sarcastic, harsh tone to his humor, Mike gave more of an analytical, joke-by-comparison type of humor. It is very hard to explain, but you should understand once you actually view a couple of episodes.

Overall, there were many decent episodes, such as those from the first season, which were really stepping stones for the MST3K crew to find their real footholds on the show. the jokes were less risqué', and the cast lacked it's flare. Nonetheless, the episodes were still worthy of watching. Titles include: The Crawling eye, the robot versus the Aztec mummy, and Mad Monster. Definitely not a bad group.

However, the third season was where the MST3K really got things cookin'. This was the first season where MST3k appeared on Comedy Central, and it shows. Personally, this, along with season's five and ten, was my favorite season. The episode's were all great, every last one of them, and they all had the necessary emotion put into them. Titles include: Cave Dwellers, Santa Claus conquers the Martians, and fugitive alien. Must see!

Finally, we have the fifth season. Half way through this season, something went wrong with Joel, and thus he was fired. So, starting with episode 514 (Mitchell) we were introduced to Mike Nelson. Do not take this statement the wrong way, this season was great! All of my favorite episodes were packed in here, and above all else, the season had the change that MSTies everywhere were looking for. Titles include: Eegah!, Mitchell, I accuse My Parents

The only other episode I would like to remark on is Manos: The hands of Fate, which is considered to be the worst movie ever made, and, in my opinion, truly is. It is also a great episode, providing lots of hilarious gags, etc. Definite must see.

Overall: MST3K is a 10/10 fa sho.
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Blank Check (1994)
This is the kind of movie that makes you want to throw up
17 July 2005
Bad Actors, bad filming, choppy dialog, shallow characters, but then again it was a bad premise in the first place. Basically, an 11 year old who is bullied because he has very little money is given a blank check by a moronic criminal. Of course, the 11 year old happens to possess enough technology and intelligence to purchase a house, cash a check for 1,000,000 dollars, and even foil three bumbling idiots, reminiscent of the three stooges.

Preston Blake is an annoying, obnoxious, boy, who decides that, when written a blank check by a complete stranger, he will take advantage of the situation as best as he can. In other words, he wanders into a bank,

hands a teller a check he makes in his printer, and miraculously walks out with a million bucks in cash. Preston is also apparently capable of reaching incredible speeds on his bicycle, due to the fact that a man driving a Jaguar after Preston and his 10-speed could not catch him, even when Preston jumped a row of cars.

Of course, with every hokey adventure movie, there has to be hot heroine. In this case our hot heroine is a child molesting FBI agent who dates the eleven year old Preston, and promises another date when he turns 17.

However, the absolute worst aspect of this film was not its casting, nor its sloppy dialog, such as "The only other way I could think of skinning a cat is to stick a hose up it's butt and then pick up the fur". It was, rather, the entire fact that nobody in the entire film seemed to realize that the FBI does not give a damn about random people . What I have failed to explain is that Preston uses the alias "Macintosh" to masquerade as an entrepreneur of sorts. Of course, the FBI finds this intriguing and sends our young heroine after Preston, who uses his 11-year old wit to first scream when lobsters fall on his face, then treat her to hamburgers, finishing with a ridiculous romp through a cemented area where water jettison's from the ground. Our heroine fails to realize during this whole adventure that the criminal the FBI is pursuing is slipping and sliding right behind the two, as they make their way to Preston's limousine, complete with a 1-dimensional driver who never fails to provide cheap, 3rd rate laughs that the whole family can choke on.

Overall: 1/10 is incredibly gracious for this film. I don't see how it only has a 4.4/10.
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Space Mutiny (1988)
Nothing compares to the awfulness of this piece of trash
5 July 2005
Wow............... I've heard some bad things about this film, i.e. Dead girl who comes back to life, pasted footage, girly hero, etc., but none of that could have prepared me for the 90 minutes I was subjected too..... ON MST3K NO LESS!

Seriously, though... this movie sucks on several levels. First of all, our hero, a walking honey-glazed ham, is a wuss who races around in golf carts covered in cardboard boxes, and fires light saber-esquire beams at enemies, which causes each and every one of them to fall over a railing. Yikes, what a mouth full! There are a total of 18 people who die by falling over railings. Thats quite a few, too.

Then there's our little heroine, a 40-some years old skank, who flashes her panties at every corner, and appears to be about a year younger than her santa claus-like father. I'm sure you've also heard about the pasted in battlestar galactica footage, which was really just a pointless 30 second scene...... I don't know why everyone makes such a fuss about it.

However, the worst part about this film was, by far, the hero's habit of pointlessly screaming out, "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" like a girl, every time something happened. I.e., "were all out of slim-fast, sir"-"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Personally, my favorite seen was when, "Our brave hero roasted a disabled man". To explain, a man who was for some unexplained reason running from the villain, falls into a strange yellow crevasse, wherein he twists his leg. Our hero and his skanky pal stumble across him, turn on some gas tanks, and blow a bullet into a hole leading to him, causing him to light on fire. 1/10 is too gracious.
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The MST3K gang barely made it through this one...........
5 July 2005
Warning: Spoilers
It is purely and simply put impossible to stress just how horrible this movie is. However, for those of you who don't know and/or understand the basic outlines of the film, or the story of its creation, I write this review.

First of all, Manos the hands of fate was written by a fertilizer salesman from Texas, who was bet that he could not make a classic horror film. That fertilizer salesman is Hal P. Warren, a.k.a. Michael, the star of the film. Of course, once one realizes that Hal cast himself as the star, the film begins to make SOME sense.

The premise is that a family of three (Four if you count their pet dog) gets lost on their way to a resort in the middle of nowhere. However, before the characters are even introduced, we are first held victim to a 14-minute car drive seen, wherein the audience views first a field, then another field, then the steering wheel......... anyways, you get the point.

After the fourteen minute car scene, we are introduced to Torgo, a caretaker with humongous knees. This is where the dialogue becomes extremely choppy. It basically goes a little something like this: Torgo: "I am Torgo. I manage the place while the master is away". Michael: "Hello Torgo. Would you mind if we stayed here until the weather improves?" Torgo: "I don't know if the master would approve". Michael's wife: "I don't like the looks of this place dear..." Michael: "There's nowhere else around for miles. We'll have to stay here. Well, Torgo? Whaddaya say?" Torgo: "I d'd'don't know if the m'm'master would approve"

The movie improves very little from that point. We are first introduced to a portrait of the master, which Mike and his family stare at for what seems like hours, followed by the master's dog and wives, and of course finally the master himself. The master wears a black poncho with two giant bloody hand prints pressed under the armpits down, so that when the master spreads his arms, we see what looks like a pair of hands, which doesn't help AT ALL to explain what the hell Manos is. By the way, you never do actually find out what Manos is, although the Master and his wives do talk a helluva lot about it, i.e. "Manos, I put my trust in you. We worship you with all we have"... I couldn't help but wonder, "What the hell is a manos?"

Of course there is a reason why this movie is considered the worst movie ever made. It is also considered by some to be worthy of a ten rating. I feel that this is just an abuse of a privilege, given to them by the IMDb crew. Seriously people, its not hard to realize that this truly is the worst movie ever made. No film this atrocious deserves a ten. In summary, I feel that even a 1 is too gracious for this steaming pile.
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Troll 2 (1990)
If this movie passes for a horror flick, then so does Bambi
18 June 2005
YIKES! I have not seen this movie recently, but I remember wanting to see it when I was very young, right when it had just came out. I believe I was 7 or 8, and I saw the movie in a blockbuster, read the back as best as I could, and said, "That sounds funny". I vaguely remember an opening scene where a man is being fed food by a girl, and he turns into a tree or dies or something, and immediately, I thought, "What the hell is this crap?". The movie progresses at an equally bad rate: A family comes to a town called Nilbog, and not a single one of them notices that Nilbog spelled backwards is Goblin, which makes no sense, because the title of the movie is, I believe, TROLL 2, not Goblin 2. Of course, the lead character, a small boy, happens to glance into a rear view mirror on his parents car, and see's that Nilbog backwards spells Goblin. Only one problem: Nilbog reflected in a rear view mirror spells qodliN, not gobliN. WHOOPS! Then there's this stupid chase scene through a forest, where Goblins keep on popping up from nowhere, and urging people to run towards them. Over all, this movie was pure junk. 1 star because I am in a good mood.
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Its interesting that this move was actually WORSE than any of the original batman episodes/movies!
18 June 2005
Jeepers Creepers, Batman! That was a load of crap! Girls who dance with guns! 40 somethings who kind-of fight crime! Evil guys with strap-on beards! MST3K had its work cut out for itself.

To be perfectly honest, nothing about Batgirl's world is exactly wild. Its similar to the life of a beach bum: A bunch of chicks shake their asses for no reason. Beach parties. Horrible grammar and general language. Invasion of turf by ugly bearded dudes. The list drags on......... Anyways, when viewing this film, numerous questions popped into my head: Why wren't the bat girls guns discharging? Why is Batwoman even teaching her secrets to a bunch of dirty whores? Of course, none of my questions were ever answered, and after seeing this film, I can't help but wonder what it was even about........... If you see it and you understand it, please, TELL ME! I am not kidding, I would really like to know if there was a point to the hour and a half of my life that I burned up on this piece of crap. 1 out of 10 is TOO generous for this load.
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What lows will they stoop to next?
18 June 2005
Warning: Spoilers
It was a boring Saturday. Having nothing else to do, I turned on HBO, coincidentally exactly as this movie started. In a combination of laziness, curiosity, and indigestion, I decided to give it a shot, despite numerous warnings from the press, my friends, the intertron, etc. Anyways, it starts out with a bunch of no-name girls swarming around Kelly Clarkson, and it ends with a ridiculous dance number where everybody in the scene tries there best to get as much camera time as possible, while doing the furthest thing from real dancing imaginable. Most of the girls bend over and shake their asses, while the guy's all whip off their shirts and decide to go dance with each other. Of course, no movie would be complete without a villain. A stupid slutty villain. A stupid slutty villain who is forgiven for being a stupid whore at the end. WTF? Here, there is this girl, and she is screwing with Justin and Kelly for no damn reason. Then, she steals one of their phones, and tells one of them that she is Kelly, and that she hates him. Of course, at the end, they all become best friends long enough to "Dirty dance". Of course, if you haven't figured it out by now, this movie was total trash. Perfect MST3K fodder. If the show hadn't been canceled, this would have definitely been in their lineup. Of course, the most grueling part of the movie was when Justin and Kelly would just decide to sing. Something would be happening, and of course, one of them would burst out in a song where they rhymed love with love. 1 out of 10 purely because of the honestly hard attempts on the part of the supporting actors to do well.
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YAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (At high frequency)
15 June 2005
WAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Somebody please help me! Have you seen a bad movie recently? Something with any combination of Bette Midler, Sissy Spacek, and Goldey Hawn? Please lend it to me, due to the fact that ANYTHING will seem good after watching SUPERBABIES! And again, YAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!! It wasn't bad enough that Baby geniuses was crap, oh no. Whoever gave this stinker the greenlight should be hung, drawn, and quartered, or hog-tied, pushed down, into, some snake water. Some of you may remember a pleasant scene in Baby geniuses, wherein a Baby wearing a tux knocks out a hobo who requests some change. The homeless schmutz, who lands in a toilet stall, closes his eyes, as if unconscious, and then decides to open them, as though he didn't realize that the film was still rolling. Well, no surprise! Baby Geniuses 2 contains equally bad, if not worse material, such as a baby who fires cupid's arrows to create love between evil corporate goonies, or a baby in a beachball, who bounces from one end of a room to another, without any physical harm, nor mental damage. Of course, a terrible movie would be nothing without its star, and who better to create this horrible steaming pile than Jon Voight, aka Angelina Jolie's father, of Midnight Cowboy fame. I seriously can't imagine who even came up with the storyline for this movie without bursting out with a combination of laughter and indigestion. 1 star is too gracious for this movie. Maybe just maybe Jon Voight might be able to pull his act together before they decide to make a Baby Geniuses 3: The diaper that rash'd New York.
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Crossroads (I) (2002)
Heh............... what a spoiled whore Britney Spears has become
15 June 2005
As though it's not enough that she can't sing, Britney Spears has decided that she also cannot act, and has set about proving this to anyone capable of wasting 7.50 on her garbage. Of course, the plot is that 3 friends travel across the country, and want to win a stupid contest and hit it big. Too bad contest's require at least minimal skill, including the ability to sing dance, and not act like a stupid, spoiled whore. OOPS! Three out of three! Britney Spears struck out with this film, after producing multiple albums with other people's songs redone in shoddier, cheaper versions, and asking Hugh Heffner for a wopping 100 million for a center fold pose. Sorry Britney, but it's no wonder your fans are all but a dream now.
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Visually, the most stunning movie of all time!
2 June 2004
Simply put, the return of the King is a historic masterpiece, which outlines nearly a century of hard work, demonstrating the full potential of modern movies. When you see this movie, you will either be completely thrilled, or hate it. I personally found it to be the greatest technological accomplishment ever to be placed on the " Big screen", taking in to mind the full animations of such characters as Gollum, as well as Shelob the spider, without whom, the movie may not exist. However, many people may find this movie unentertaining, due to its " unrealisticness", as well as the incessant babble from certain characters, which makes it hard for the viewer to fully comprehend the movie. Also, I found many lines in the film that may cause a misunderstanding in the viewer, especially those who have not read the books, such as the people of Gondor's references to Gandalf ( played by Ian McKlellen) as " Mithrandir", otherwise known as "the gray pilgrim". However, these are only little drawbacks, which the true fan, or fanatic of the Lord of the Rings will be able to overlook.

Over all, the Lord of the Rings : the Return of the King may very well be the greatest movie I have ever seen ( Other than the godfather), and I greatly look forward to the fall release of the apparently 5 hour long extended edition.
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