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Rehearsals (I) (2012)
7/10
A series of rehearsals for unreality
13 April 2015
Rehearsals is a hard one to categorize. A long series of mostly static shots focusing on a succession of actresses, it attempts to draw the viewer in by reflecting on a series of minutia that surround their daily rituals and routines. The film is told mostly in silence, with the first instance of speaking arriving nearly at the film's halfway point.

Rehearsal's narrative as explained in the synopsis never really comes into focus. The 16 actresses never coalesce into a single character, or even an amalgamated one. Instead there's the distinct feelings of 16 different women doing their natural routines, such as sleeping, texting, primping, eating, worrying, drawing, etc.

We're invited to observe, watching these rituals and tasks with fresh eyes and read into each character through mostly their settings and behavior rather than any narrative momentum. It can be wearying, but surprisingly revelatory-- one woman making her bed is awash in fascinating little details that allow you to read a history in simply her room and methods, while another woman attending her nails and her dog is understated in its gentleness.

I won't lie and say that the movie is a thrill ride by any means. This is probably the most esoteric porn I've ever seen. Clarke both fetishizes each actress in pieces-- breasts, legs, hinder-- and then reconnects them into distinctly unsexual poses. This is contrasted to their mutual desire to become actresses, a glamorous profession distinctly unreal compared to their frustrated daily lives.

The women in this film aren't lonely, per se, but distinctly alone. Despite the multitude of actresses, that and a sense of ambition does permeate most, as well as the feeling of impatience. Rehearsals may be an unsuccessful experiment and is definitely not for anyone with a twitchy attention span, but for viewers who like to lap up subtleties told with an expressive lens, it's an intriguing treat.
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ChickleBerry Jam (2012–2013)
8/10
Funny Stuff
28 May 2013
In the wide realm of weekly web comedies, few were as consistently demented and funny as Chickleberry Jam (the silly name withstanding). Maddie, domineering but exotic, Donnelle, coy but clever, Dan, handsome and mighty, and Jeff all stress the absurdities of modern living, from brutal drug habits to political mudslinging. It's a wonder that all of these actors don't hate each other enormously every day after the filming is completed as each compete for punchlines in a brutal, eye gouging sort of manner, where they choke upon the fecal matter of each other's sly witticisms as they evolve into human shells broken of all notions of dignity and joy. None emerges truly victorious, with the show's final seconds encompassing both the triumph and wonder inherent in an endless game of one-upmanship, with the survivors crying tears of both shame and wonder-- happy to be alive, yes, but happier still to never again have to gaze upon the desecrated corpses of those who once called themselves friend. This show is a dire warning to all of those... who... uh... I think I started talking about Game of Thrones again. No, this show's hilarious and it's free on YouTube. Check it out.
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5/10
Yes, That Guy Makes That Face The Entire Movie
19 January 2012
A Forrest Gump-esque movie about a mentally slow man who sneaks into America and finds it surprisingly hostile to illegal immigrants who steal and demand instant gratification. He's instantly preyed upon by interests-- unscrupulous businesses, mainly-- and endures this under the hope that he'll hit the jackpot. The film attempts many broad, satirical swipes, and, while justified, they're delivered with little subtlety or craft.

The film is well made outside of a few exceptions where the film's low budget becomes apparent. The film's climactic helicopter... chase? is painfully ugly, though I suppose its wretched look may be a semi-satirical take on the American audience's need to be satisfied by special effects. But, considering the quality of the rest of the movie, I'm going to guess that its figurative 'beauty' is only skin deep The film's trivia page lists it as being the brainchild of two high schoolers. I'm surprised it was so few.
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3/10
A Fun and Fruity Tribute
13 June 2007
Okay, it really isn't. A twist on Star Wars with 1993 CGI, it follows a young hero and his robot starting from his infancy to adulthood.

The hero, who was raised by Ewoks and someone doing their best Liam Neeson, is dispassionate and unheroic until he hears of his mother's sacrifice; apparently, early in life she sent him away to rescue him from the cruel machinations of her husband's other wife. It was heartbreaking, and now the evil Ricardo Montablan wannabe wants to blow up their planet with his Death Skull, which looks even more goofy than it sounds.

The hero's half brother, a demon who is foretold to be kind of a jerk, gets locked up but is freed to fight the hero. It's a showdown of epic proportions, that is about as dramatic and terrifying as anything you could see made by fourteen-year-olds on YouTube.

Most of the outfits are designed for the maximum amounts of goofiness available, and the acting is soap opera material on every level.

It's either the greatest tribute to Star Wars or what the prequels were meant to be, but that still doesn't mean it's watchable. For people who are fans of cheese, this might be worth the investment in a rental.
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Swept Away (2002)
1/10
"Teets!"
28 July 2006
Warning: Spoilers
Holy mother of crap. This movie... oh dear lord, this is the most utterly horrible thing ever conceived by mortal minds. There is no point during the duration of this film that to continue watching it seems like a better alternative than cutting off one's own genitals with a rusty knife.

I mean, sweet mother of mercy, what the hell was anyone thinking when they were doing this? Madonna plays a wretched narcissist who is the single most unappealing character in the history of cinema. IS THIS MERE COINCIDENCE?!? Was Guy Ritchie delivering a thinly veiled cry for help?!

Speaking of, the poor sap, he seems convinced that Madonna resembles something other than a giant raisin filled with antlers. He also seemed convinced of her 'ACTING... TALENT!' which makes most kindergarten Thanksgiving pageant acting seem nuanced and insightful.

I hate this movie. I hate every stupid frame this movie possesses. I hate how the movie seems to think Madonna plays a sympathetic character. I hate how the male lead is a complete idiot through and through. I hate how the dialog is trying to be a throwback to 70's movies that had brains in their heads. I hate the stupid musical number. I hate that the movie never freaking ends, and then when it does end, it is the lamest ending possible.

Seriously, it is one of the few movies that would have benefited from an 'it's only a nightmare!' ending. At least that would have made sense in context instead of the sappy trite we're handed.

There are three-- count them!-- three good things about this entire movie.

1) It puts Madonna in a lot of situations where she gets slapped.

2) It ended Guy Ritchie's career (for the time being).

3) I think it made me impotent.

If number three sounds like a bad thing to you, then you wouldn't understand; no man wants to bring a child into a world in which Swept Away exists.
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10/10
A Twainian Exercise in Slapstick and Gore
12 July 2006
Warning: Spoilers
Everyone likes Army of Darkness. You like it. Your mother likes it. That creepy kid down at the comic book store who just sits there all day dressed in black starring at the odd brown spot on the ceiling likes it. Why is that? The secret behind Army of Darkness isn't that its a sequel to the Evil Dead movies, nor is it because Bruce Campbell is super sexy or Sam Raimi is the greatest director ever (I'd say third greatest).

I think the the appeal of the movie comes from the sheer enthusiasm displayed throughout the picture. Every frame of this movie reeks with pure undiluted fun, transferred from the actors and director straight into your seat. They take all the badassery they could muster and inject it into the movie, right through the eye.

Army of Darkness doesn't have state of the art effects, nor an entirely coherent plot. It isn't a horror story, nor a medieval epic. What this film is is a testament to the idea of cinema being pure fun, without pretensions of anything else, and to that it must be commended.

If you like smiling, I highly recommend this movie.
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10/10
"I love you too."
12 July 2006
Warning: Spoilers
Mere words cannot express my love for this film. This movie is a crystallization of silver screen perfection, a rare event where every little thing aligns to bestow the lucky viewers with what can only be described as breathtaking art.

The performances in this movie are superb. In a script riddled with hardboiled dialog and outlandish implausibilities, everyone hits the right note, and makes the endeavor compelling. Stanwyck is at her most seductive and powerful, and Edward G. Robinson gives the movie the perfect moral ground.

But the best performance has to be given to Fred MacMurray who turns the clichéd role of a man seduced by a woman into something more than the sleaze bag he should be. He becomes a character you're invested in, a man who is shaken from his complacent life and thoroughly destroyed by the demons he creates. And through this all, through murder in its many incarnations, you still can't help feel for the man. The character of Walter Neff, in so many words, takes on a life of its own thanks to MacMurray, and keeps the audience compelled no matter what sins he commits. The tics and libido exuded add to his charm and make him deservedly one of the most iconic characters of all time.

A lot of this credit must be given to Billy Wilder, my personal favorite director and a man whose films can all be completely different but possess enough tics to be instantly recognizable. The beauty of his shots and the set up of the script blend perfectly, creating a universe that is tangible and complex.

If you have not seen this movie, please do.
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7/10
"Fuch Evil"
10 July 2006
Warning: Spoilers
I should begin by noting that I cannot watch this movie in French; the dub is just too good. The voice of Mallory sounds like feminist handing out her self help solutions.

This movie is sublime. It has everything I never knew I wanted in a French movie, including but not limited to nuns with exploding stomachs, darling psychic crazy girls, cute bats that get stuck in purses, the Pope, kung fu priests, and an evil vampire who survives thousands of years before learning why you don't steal things from people who use explosives.

The style and exuberance all belong to a great Jackie Chan flick, only now with a French twist that gives it a distinctive visual beauty. The leading lady is gorgeous, while the sporting supporting cast makes everything fun.

In the genre of women driving around in pink hearses with transsexual explosives experts, this movie is tops. If any of these ideas interest you, you must seek this movie out. It is the best $5 I've spent in ages.
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6/10
Shatner is Freaking Crazy
10 July 2006
I like William Shatner. I like Star Trek. But this was a bit too much.

First, the show does make some valid points about "Star Trek"s influence on the world of science over the years, but only enough for about the first hour. After that, it launches into a tailspin that discusses what the other Trek franchises tried to do and how they failed.

Even during most of the first hour, it doesn't do much but bring out some scientific pioneers and make them look absolutely silly. By the time it starts trotting out familiar Trek faces, the grins will fade. You feel sorry for people who have millions of dollars as their 'beamed' places or start quoting episodes. I mean, I do it too, but if I had money, I wouldn't do it on national television.

Most of the narration is self referential, and Shatner degrades the show and himself throughout. It's amusing, but, gets kind of tiring after a while. His exuberance and sheer bounciness is the best part of the piece, don't get me wrong, but there's a point that his narration and the hyper kinetic editing just become boring.

This show really isn't for non-Trekkies. And I don't think it's even really for Trekkers if they have their wits about them. It's really just a platform for William Shatner to be crazy, and, for people who love him, that's what they'll get here.
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7/10
It's Bird, It's a Plane... the Third Act Blows
28 June 2006
Warning: Spoilers
My friend Charlie has this theory that as long as you go into a movie with no expectations, you will not be disappointed. I think this a rather ridiculous idea, as it pretty much expects disappointment rather than enjoyment.

However, I went to Superman Returns excited; good director, good actors, good trailers... and for the first hour and a half, I was more than pleased. The movie did a great job of recreating the 1970's Superman movies, and the actors all felt faithful. The movie felt new without feeling derivative.

It's the third and final act where the movie falls apart. Lois is trapped on a boat in the middle of the ocean, watched closely by a menacing henchman. Superman saves Metropolis at a blinding speed and by far the coolest sequence of the movie.

However, as soon as the twist of Lois' son comes into play, the whole movie stops being about the characters and starts being about the big special effects. Do you think Lois, her fiancé, and her son are going to drown? Do you think that the plane that just flew down the waterfall is going to crash and explode? Is there any dramatic tension at all in the final third of this movie? No.

This is a very pretty movie, and worth the price of admission. It's just not worth repeat viewings, I'm afraid. Charlie liked it, and if you go in by his rules, you might be too. Just don't believe the hype.
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Dead Scared (2004)
9/10
"Pussy got your tongue?"
22 June 2006
Warning: Spoilers
I was utterly taken aback by how much I enjoyed this movie. My friends and I didn't go in expecting very much, but instead found a couple of nice twists and good laughs.

The plot, such as it was, was pretty inconsequential. The set-up, that this is a sorority/fraternity hazing is pretty lame and calls to mind the utterly retarded "Death Tunnel." Add in the crazy murderous professor, and it looks like another journey into "Sisterhood" territory.

However, as soon as the movie gets past this thin set-up, it demonstrates a fondness for its characters and a genuine desire to be funny. It doesn't hurt that the performances are top notch, and that the women are absolutely gorgeous.

The movie plays by the rules-- you still know who is going to die and when. But this movie still manages to make it entertaining to watch, and in the age of low budget digital video trash fests that take themselves seriously, this puts "The Hazing" head and shoulders above the competition.

Sequel, please.
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Sumo Vixens (1996 Video)
4/10
"One eyed kittens are dancing with electric Popsicles!"
22 June 2006
Warning: Spoilers
Fairly routine erotica from Japan. The plot revolves around a fresh-out-of-jail sumo wrestler who starts a female sumo wrestling club. Of course, the Yakuza are out to get him, so there is a mighty sumo showdown.

There are breasts every where in this movie, so lovers of the mammary glands will find much to appreciate. There are very few freak breasts, I am happy to report. However, as to the attractiveness level for most of this movie, it stays pretty minimal. The movie tries to play up the comedy angles far too much, and any sexual tension in the movie is non-existent.

None of the characters stand out, and besides one vaguely amusing lesbian scene, there is no sex to speak of in the film. And even that one scene has a crazy miracle flower that's always in the camera's way.

If you like breasts, go get a Russ Meyer movie. I'd say this is only for fans of sumo, topless women, manga, and loud shrill men. I don't know how many of them there are, but there you go.
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1/10
A David Lynchian Excercise Into Aliens Invading Japan
4 May 2006
Warning: Spoilers
I think the most you can say about this movie is that it becomes no more comprehensible in English than it would be if watched in Japanese.

I have seen this movie more than a dozen times. Why? Well, it's a damned good Mystery Science Theater episode, but, as per diem, the best MST3k episodes are the worst movies. This one really takes that diem and runs with it; the cast is full of indistinguishable characters who bumble about while vague aliens invade.

And that's it. That's my summary of this dreck. Aliens invade. A guy named Space Chief shows up who is really a muffiny haired scientist (I think, it's hard to tell) and fights them off with laser guns and vaguely saves the day. Vague is a good word for this movie; you never really get the sense you're seeing something definitive happen, since five minutes later, the characters say the exact opposite of what you saw happened. It's very David Lynchian in that manner.

There is not an aspect to this movie that doesn't fall flat on its face. The awful dubbing, the moronic plot, the bad music, the reuse of old war footage, the ability to take black and white and make it look ugly and murky... it's all here, and it's all an insult to your senses.

If you find a copy of this MiSTEd, dive in. Otherwise, unless you're looking to top Crow and Servo or if you are really that desperate for Japanese science fiction (and I do mean desperate), avoid.
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Kill Squad (1982)
6/10
And, Of Course, The Black Guy is a Pimp
4 May 2006
In the esteemed history of cinema, there will always be a special place for Kill Squad. Sure, it's in the back of the videostore under a pile of dust, but just knowing it's there, knowing that someone made this with good intentions demonstrates the ability for just about any one in the world to succeed with just a bit of stupid luck.

Centering on a squad of men who either kill or get killed, Kill Squad is about a Vietnam vet being paralyzed by a brutal gang of attackers. Morose, he calls together his other veteran friends.

This kicks off the highlight of the movie, as the squad is called together. Each scene begins with someone being wronged, insulted, or just generally put in a bad mood (guy won't pay for gardening, pimp steals another pimp's street corner, man gets pushed off of a building) and then funky kung fu fighting explodes. And this kung fu fighting is _funky_. Then the fighting finishes up, and hey, the members of the Kill Squad who have already gathered just kind of sat by and watched, and now... "Joseph needs you." Apparently being a Vietnam vet means kung fu fighting and absolutely no other responsibilities. But, then again, how isn't bringing kung fu to the world a responsibility?

The movie goes downhill for a while, as the Kill Squad members kill people, and in turn are picked off one by one by a mysterious assailant in black. This is actually kind of different, since you'd assume from the clichéd action movie template that the Kill Squad would be the ones doing all of the killing. Ironic! In any case, this movie boils down to the twist ending that my girlfriend called about five minutes into the movie (remember, kids, don't mention you have a twist ending on the box of the movie if you don't want people to know what's coming). This picks up the pace to make this a solid rental for you and some friends, and, if anything, certainly makes this solid remake material for Hollywood.
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1/10
It's A Piece of Something, All Right...
5 April 2006
So you see, there's this movie. And if you watch it, you'll absolutely give up any and all hope for the future of humanity. The whole thing is a moronic titfest with very little tits and even littler of a fest. The attempts at romance and a plot are subpar, and the acting leaves so much to be desired that the phrase "much to be desired" doesn't do it justice.

The plot is abysmal, centering around two young men and wackiness at a resort over the weekend. The Maestro wants to steal a diamond, and he is just a very bad thief. Add in a bunch of two dimensional women, and you have a romp that borrows heavily from _Catalina Caper_ and _Porky's_.

If you like Johnny Depp or that guy from "Northern Exposure," don't see this movie. If you like Hector Elizondo, stay as far away from this movie as possible. If you like Andrew Dice Clay... then this movie can't really be too much worse for you.

I really have to emphasize this just one more time, so please please trust me: DON'T.
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7/10
Might As Well
13 February 2006
Warning: Spoilers
I've actually been wanting to see this for a while just because I liked John Cho so much in Better Luck Tomorrow and Harold And Kumar, so when it finally reached the videostore today, I snapped it up.

The plot is a fun one; guy wants fame _now_, so he convinces an ex that he has a brain tumor so that she'll enter him in the Montreal Film Fest. Of course, the guy doesn't have a movie, so he begins to write one, and then films it immediately thereafter during the three weeks he has before the film is to be shown.

See This Movie creates an aloof center that makes it very appealing; the three lead characters (Meyers, Cho and Piddock) are all spectacularly funny, with Piddock stealing all of his scenes effortlessly. I really wish more of the film had centered on these three character's interplay, as the less the movie becomes about their odd mad quest, the less interesting it becomes.

The film definitely is rough around the edges; the characters don't evolve much, and the plot ricochets from point to point without much consequence or thought. The ancillary plot about drug dealing only leads to only a rare laugh; it's much too heavy for the rest of the movie to stand. The story would have been much better off without it.

In the end, See This Movie is a highly recommended rental. It has a lot of big laughs that make up for the rest of the film's flaws.
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Kick or Die (1987)
1/10
Kick... OR DIE!
3 October 2005
Warning: Spoilers
This little AIP gem was unearthed at my local videostore, and oh man was it a delight. The labyrinth plot, if you dare to follow, begins with a murderer/rapist who has stalked a college town for years. This leads to outrage all of a sudden, and the committee decides to hire a karate master to teach all of the women kung fu. Blondey McObviouslytherapist goes and finds our karate master, Dan Potter, who the proceeds to kick a lot of mean guys on motorcycles and save the strangely attractive waitress. Bad sets, bad plot... the video looks like video recorded over another video recorded by a video camera off of a TV. As boring and asinine as this movie gets, you still get the joy of playing "Catch the Boom Mike" in almost every shot, since it only narrowly avoids the actors at some points. The worst part of all is that this movie drags on forever. You might going into it thinking that there will be a lot of kicking and/or dying, but you'll find yourself starring at tearful montages and a love triangle so inane that you'll wonder if the screenwriter for this movie has ever been in love, or is even remotely human. So don't kick. Don't die. Just save yourself the .50 rental fee.
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1/10
If You Read Only One User Comment On Here, Uh, This Is Probably About The Same As It
5 April 2005
Before Kelly Clarkson actually started producing some decent pop, this was pretty much the only product of American Idol for a bit. And what an product it was. The sheer lack of enthusiasm put forward in this movie is, to say the least, daunting.

Set during a spring break, Kelly, the clichéd Texan girl who wants to be a big singer but is stuck in a lowly bar, runs into Justin, who smiles an abnormally large amount and has a really, seriously ridiculous perm. I mean, come on. It looks like cotton candy. They both go to Florida, and watch loads of "babes" and do a bunch of PG-13 related spring break hi-jinks, of which there aren't many. Hence why they're college hi-jinks. Doi.

Anyway, after a rather dumb meet cute between Justin and Kelly, the plot, which would have difficulty filling up a 22 minute sitcom let alone this 90 minute trash fest, begins to unfold. Basically, Kelly's blonde friend wants Justin, and he wants Kelly, so to get revenge on him, she gives him her phone number, and then makes it look like Kelly doesn't care about him. I'm sure you can imagine the complex and thought provoking scenarios that this could spin out into, but don't hurt yourself.

A quick note on the musical numbers: you have a mute button. Employ it LIBERALLY. Thank you.

Obviously, From Justin to Kelly is meant for twelve year old girls, who have seen the same plot a couple of dozen times before, only this time it doesn't involve Barbie and/or Fairies (insert joke here). If you are a twelve year old girl, go rent Sleepover. It's much better than this, and it has cute boys. If you're not a twelve year old girl (which is a good thing), stay, stay away from this factory made piece of crap.
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Fillmore! (2002–2004)
9/10
Disco!
24 February 2005
Fillmore! is, to be succinct, a totally awesome cartoon. As a 21-year-old male, it might be hard to believe I could be such an enthusiastic supporter of the show, but I am. I actually arranged my school schedule so I could see the show more often.

Fillmore! is about a cadre of safety patrol officers patrolling the hallways of X Middle School, Home of Lobstee The Lobster. Through hard work and detective skills, they always manage to catch the crook before a half an hour is up.

The show is hilarious. First and foremost is its tone, which never deviates from the gravity of the matter. Shredded petitions and pilfered robotic dogs are treated as serious as a homicide, and the detectives hit the beat in a middle school version of Law & Order. It never lets the characters know just how ridiculous the setup is, and plays fairly within their world.

Beyond that, the subtle jokes work wonders to add to the show's quality. A banner being put up reading "Hooray for Banner Club" or a group working together, becoming as solid as "Geodude using his harden attack" are just examples of how sublime the show can get.

This really is a great example of a show that everyone can enjoy. The animation is bright and vivid, the characters are all real with good motivations, and some of the plots will actually leave you guessing, which is refreshing for a show aimed at the younger set. Catch Fillmore! whenever you can.
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Species III (2004 Video)
3/10
High Strangeness
29 November 2004
Having not seen either of the previous Species movies, I pretty much prepared to watch Species III as some sort of soft core action flick. I won't say I was disappointed, per se, but rather surprised just how low grade this entire movie feels.

Take the introduction, at the 'generating facility'. Our stalwart hero, Dean, having moved up from starring into Skulls II and Cruel Intentions II into Species III, is pretty much a genius, studying and developing about twenty different kinds of sciences. At the beginning, he's giving a tour of the fission reactor he's helping to work on, before, don't you know it, he's late for Super Duper Advanced Biology.

When he arrives, his harassed professor belittles him. The professor takes no time before he starts drooling over viruses, calling them 'the perfect creation' and getting that same glassy look I get when I think of Rachel Leigh Cook and pudding.

Dean raises his hand and quite correctly points out that viruses really aren't perfect since they can't reproduce on their own. Upset that someone is ripping him from his imaginary Viral Harem, the professor hisses about the last remaining smallpox soon to be destroyed and gone forever. He throws his coffee cup against the wall, and announces, "Who are we to decide what species deserves to live and what species deserves to die?!" And then runs off.

That, in fact, seems to be the theme of the whole movie. Who are you to decide whether the Species franchise lives or dies? They can keep making these things as long as they want. What evil people.

The rest of the movie, which mostly involves lots of silicone from what I recall, is pretty lazy, and keeps shooting out super science to a degree that even I couldn't follow.

I wouldn't bother with this unless you really want to see naked women. I mean, sure, there are people who really want to see naked women, but, seriously, there are better naked women to see. This is a movie where the main alien is named after Sara Lee pie, and not once, after she kills someone or walks around naked for a certain amount of time, does anyone chuckle "Nobody does it like Sara Lee!" I mean, am I the only who that was obvious to? I must be crazy.

Rating: 1/10
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Land of Doom (1986)
2/10
Shoop shoop, Land of Doom...
8 September 2004
Land of Doom definitely has one of the better titles going for it in recent cinematic history, but that's about all it can muster.

Take your normal plot. Let's use some symbolism, and have it be a puppy. During the movie, you watch the puppy grow. There are exciting parts, like when the puppy chases some squirrels around, or sad parts, where the puppy whizzes on your favorite Duran Duran album. By the end of the movie, the puppy has become an adult dog, hopefully soon to spawn other puppies, AKA sequels.

Land of Doom, unlike a normally aging dog, is basically a set of drunk dogs, wandering aimlessly, bumping into walls, and not only whizzing on your Duran Duran albums, but also the Mona Lisa and all vestiges of modern civilization. By the end, instead of a healthy, happy dog whom you love, you're stuck with a brain dead puppy who is busy chewing off its own tail. Pathetic, yes. But that's Land of Doom.

Don't see this movie. Seriously, it just wants your soul. I mean, it doesn't even actually end. You know how a movie reaches the point where you know the big climatic fight is about to begin? In Land of Doom, that moment arrives, the heroes run away, roll credits. Thanks, movie!

Slight redeeming factor: Jawas. There are Jawas in this film. Also, the end theme is so the exact opposite of a titular song for this movie that it has to be heard to be believed.

Rating 1/10 - My eyes! My poor eyes!
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2/10
From the "So Bad It's Awful" category
8 September 2004
Catching this on cable tonight, I couldn't help but be impressed by just how bad this movie is. Not a smile crept across my face, as the obvious plot, the grating characters, and the mediocre actions scenes all piled up one by one.

There are no redeeming qualities to this movie. It wasn't even bad enough to laugh at, as the characters are all so thoroughly annoying you want to see them eat their own livers by the end of the spectacle.

The only saving grace of the movie: they drive around Bigfoot for a while. No, not the actual creature, but the monster truck that was briefly popular for some reason.

Still, even with horribly dated nostalgia being present for ten minutes or so, there's no excuse for anything other than pure contempt for this movie.

Rating: 1/10
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Room Service (1938)
3/10
It Would Be Funny Had They Put Jokes In
28 June 2004
Picking this up along with the rest of the Marx Brothers box set, I found myself disappointed by most everything beyond A Night at the Opera. This stinker is prolly the worst I've seen of them so far, with the clever lines left out and the characterization is woeful. The playwright is so obscenely stupid in this play it's hard not to tackle the television and try and strangle him.

As it is, the Marxes seem to do better as outsiders brought in to wreak havoc, and are much much better when they have a good gag or two at least. The material here is all obviously written for anyone, and it really wastes the Marx's talent. Avoid.

Rating: 3/10
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Da Hip Hop Witch (2000 Video)
1/10
It Leaps from the TV and Kills Your Soul
24 June 2004
Da Hip Hop Witch is quite an achievement in modern film making. Not only was it *not* released by New Concorde, it manages to make every movie I've ever seen that much better. You know how it is. You'll find yourself watching a crappy German movie with a dog taking a crap on a boat while some orchestral score rises in the background, and you'll turn to your friend, chuckle, and say, "Hey, at least it ain't Da Hip Hop Witch!"

I remember liking Vanilla Ice at one point. His goofy haircut, his sincere devotion to being on the streets... no more. He produced this movie. He is the core of this thing's existence. If ever there is a tribunal for crimes against humanity relating to film production, he should be the prime suspect.

As a side note, immediately after viewing, which killed every sense of joy I'd ever experienced in my life, I took the tape out of the VCR, opened the cover, and cut it. I suggest you cut the tape as a first step if you really want to see the best this movie has to offer.
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The Pool (2001)
3/10
Party. Woo.
20 June 2004
Thanks to the magic of FastForwardVision, this movie is easy on the eyes. The Ool, as only its closest friends can call it, is a slasher that falls flatly on the mediocre scale, which is sad since the potential of a murderous body of water has yet to be exploited in cinematic form.

The Ool involves a bunch of people in Prague at some international school. There's the dumb blonde, her jerkish boyfriend, maybe a half dozen fellows with dark hair, a horribly snotty German girl who can hold her breath for long periods of time and likes to smoke, and then probably one or two other characters. This movie specializes in producing not a single likable character, and, sadly, does not star a single person from the movie Clockstoppers. It even clashes with the viewer's goodwill by letting only the most annoying characters survive. If that alone doesn't fail its duty to the genre, I don't know what does.

My favorite line in the whole thing, sadly, cannot be repeated here, but a lot of disjointed silly lines abound. The movie also contains some of the most generic punk songs ever.

All in all, if you want a great movie about a psychotic character who kills a bunch of people and also has that guy from Clockstoppers in it, I wholly recommend Swimfan. The Ool, on the other hand, is only for people who have seen almost every other movie in existence and hate themselves, not necessarily in that order.

Rating: 3/10
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