tckld_pnk Reviews

The Hound of the Baskervilles (2000 TV Movie)

Worth watching, but not to take seriously.

[29 October 2003]

This certainly wasn't the best screen adaptation of The Hound of the Baskervilles that I've ever seen, but it was okay. I want to know why on earth they cast an American/Canadian actor as Holmes rather than a British one. I mean, really, it's Max Headroom, for crying out loud! And wasn't he also the jock father in Honey I Shrunk the Kids? Why would the director ever even consider him to play Holmes? He wasn't that great. He overacted even more than is expected in a TV movie. And his fake British accent was horrible.

I didn't like how they had Holmes and Watson's relationship portrayed either. The literary Holmes was cold, calculating, and even arrogant at times, yes, but he wasn't deliberately a jerk. This guy was. And the way Watson got an attitude with him afterwards (which, in all honesty, is completely understandable after this Holmes' behavior) made it hard to understand why these two men would be such great "friends" and roomies if Holmes was really such a jerk and Watson resented it so much.

And that poor dog. What did they do to its eyes to make them red like that? I hope it was just CG-ed to make them look like that, because it was obviously a real dog. And what kind of dog was that? It looked smaller than my medium-sized Chow Chow. I mean, I was expecting this big, bear-like Newfoundland mix or something and it was just this scrawny little mutt. It was kind of disappointing. Poor dog.

Other than that, and the obligatory cutting of half the story (which can be understood, as it's a Hallmark TV movie), this movie was fair. It's worth the $8 DVD what has four other Sherlock Holmes movies on it as well, good for a rainy afternoon with nothing better to do. Other than that... Eh, like I said, it was fair.

Pocahontas (I) (1995)

An insult to American History

[5 October 2003]

Having grown up less than 50 miles away from the site of the original Jamestown settlement, I was initially excited about seeing Pocahontas. After all, I'd been going on field trips to Jamestown since I was 5, and we'd been taught the history all our lives. So yeah, I was excited. Then I saw it. Even at age 11, I knew it was a horrible film. First of all, I didn't understand why a 12-year-old girl had been given the body and measurements of a Barbie doll (bust: 78, waist: 6, hips: 42). She was no grown woman, she wasn't even a teenager, yet Disney saw fit to Barbie-ize her. And John Smith wasn't this wonderful, gorgeous, benevolent hero type. He was actually known to be very cruel and strict with his men.

I realize that this is a children's movie and Disney is more out to entertain than educate, but I thought it was a bit insulting to the history of the story. I mean, if they wanted a Native American/Colonial romance story, couldn't they have made up fictional characters? They made everything ELSE up. Maybe somebody should make a film about Michael Eisner or Roy E. Disney falling in love with a real-life 12-year-old and having a romance with her... I bet nobody would find THAT entertaining for children.

Also, getting away from the gross historical inaccuracies, I didn't like how they concentrated so much publicity on the fact that Mel Gibson voiced Smith. Yeah, so he's a big-name movie star. Get over it. They did the same thing to Robin Williams for Aladdin and it got them into trouble... I guess they just never learn... I also just thought the quality of the film itself wasn't as good as previous Disneys had been. The music was very good, I'll admit that, but the rest of it was just kind of bland. Perhaps I was just biased against it from the get-go.

I just thought this film showed a complete lack of respect for the REAL people portrayed in it... What's Disney going to do next, a jolly jaunt about the Salem Witch Trials? Turn Rebecca Nurse into a voluptuous 16-year old and make her fall in love with a young, handsome, non-crushed Giles Corey and have them help everyone to escape the jails (and gallows) and live happily ever after? Ugh, I shouldn't even say it, they'd probably DO it.

And on another side note, I don't think any of the people who made Pocahontas have ever actually BEEN to that part of Virginia, otherwise they'd know that there is NO waterfall like that ANYWHERE around there.

Rollerball (2002)

Ughhhhh...

[1/10 · 10 September 2003]

I couldn't even get through the first 20 minutes of this movie. I saw the first scene of the testosterone contest street luge race and was hoping it might get better afterward, but after another 10 minutes, I got up and left the room. I think it was the guy tipping th other guy's helmet off and then going at him at breakneck speed and slamming an iron ball into his face, causing his jaw to break and blood to splatter everywhere. It's barbaric and stupid. In fact, I believe those were my exact words as I got up and left: "This is barbaric and stupid and I'm not going to watch one more minute of it."

Don't waste money renting this movie, you'll regret it.

The Worst Witch (1986 TV Movie)

8 Stars!

[11 August 2003]

I have been watching this movie since I was two years old, and I always loved it. Even now, at 19, I still love it, and I still watch it every Halloween - it's tradition!

I've never read the books, but the movie itself is great without them. Fairuza Balk is great in one of her first (ie: non-psychotic) roles. And Tim Curry is excellent - could we expect any less of him? I also loved Charlotte Rae in this - this movie is the only reason I ever watched The Facts of Life, I always saw her as Miss Cackle.

Anyway, this movie is really great, even if it was only an HBO TV movie. I'd really like to see it come out on DVD, but I doubt it ever will.