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Crimes Against Cinema
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Hot Seat (2022)
The best seat in the house......
Friar is a former hacker and IT expert who finds a hair-trigger bomb strapped to his desk chair.
An unseen hacker orders him to steal digital funds online -- or have his daughter abducted. As a fearless bomb expert that looks like Mel Gibsons dad arrives on the scene, the hacker frames Friar as the bomber.
The tension mounts as Friar races to clear his name and expose the real terrorist without getting himself blown......................up.
What is it with Kevin (not as successful as Matt) Dillon? All of a sudden he has come out of nowhere and seized the straight to Blu Ray crowd in one full swoop.
And despite the bad reviews this film is getting, it's pretty good to be fair.... Think Phone Booth in a chair.......it's pretty good stuff.
So Dillon has to hack all wonders of locks and firewalls, and if he moves from the chair, or too far away from the monitor, he goes with a bang.
Add Mel Gibson to the mix, and it's really good to watch. Gibson has starred in a slew of straight to Blu ray releases just of late, and he still shows what a great actor he is, putting his all into a glorified extended cameo. Think all you want about his private life, which you really shouldn't, he really elevates a film when he is on screen.
The last third falls apart at the end, as the hacker is revealed, and the rationale is pretty stupid to be honest.
But then again, we are watching a film about an exploding chair, so who am i to moan about it.....
Si wang ta (1980)
Fierce like a lion and swift like a peacock...
While investigating his friend Chin Ku's death, martial artist Billy Lo is killed.
His younger brother, Bobby Lo, investigates both deaths, where his search takes him to Japan, where he befriends Lewis, master of the Castle Of Death.
But when Lewis is brutally murdered, Bobby must investigate the mysterious Fan Yu temple, where he must enter an underground pagoda and face off withthe most terrifying of enemies.......and dubbing...
This is a seeing is believing film, right from the word go, and I am very surprised that no one got sued making this. If you thought Game Of Death took liberties, this goes that little bit more, and starts to gut out the set and several scenes from Enter The Dragon. So after Lo is killed, it goes from silly, to stupidly bonkers cool in the wink of an eye.
Here's is no real plot, the acting is beyond awful, as is the dubbing.
But the guy in the Lion costume pretending to be one, is pure comedy gold. The Lion does martial arts, does backflips, cuddle a woman with a sharp ring on, and I'm sure i saw it sat up like a human in one part.
This is the kind of thing the filmed needed, not milking the legacy of Lee more. Golden Harvest just got away with it with Game of Death.
Here is when they are looking desperate ..
Cool lion though.....
Last Seen Alive (2022)
Butler's Breakdown.....
Will and Lisa's marriage is on the brink of failure, and Lisa wants to take a break from the relationship and spend a few days at her parents' house to look for a new perspective on life.
Things have grown even more difficult since Lisa had an affair with a different man six months ago and as this conversation and exchanges of thoughts go on, they need to make a stop to refuel, and Lisa goes to the shop at the gas station.
As Lisa walks out of the shop, though, she is seen being approached by someone; a truck drives up in front of them, hiding Lisa from view, and then when it drives away, Lisa is nowhere to be seen. Will goes into the shop after a while, and the shopkeeper denies having seen anyone matching Will's description of Lisa.
All this is unknown to the husband, though, as he now worriedly calls the police and informs them of his missing wife, who seems to have suddenly vanished.....
Butler takes a break from the expensive blockbusters thar make no money, and decides to remake Breakdown, with a little hint of The Vanishing for good measure. But whilst Breakdown had some very impressive set pieces, this decides to go off road and spend a lot of the films time in the woods, looking for Frank..
It's pretty inoffensive stuff, Butler still hasn't perfected his accent, as at times, when his character shouts, you can clearly hear a broad Scottish accent. Why can't he just do a Statham and use his normal accent, it may make the film a little more intriguing, because as soon as he shouts (and it's a lot), it takes you right out of the film.
So it's watchable, Butler can do this role in his sleep, and there is one really funny explosion. It's just that you never really believe that Will is in any danger, and his wife, she isn't very likeable anyway....
The Gray Man (2022)
Evans Moustache......just wow....
Sierra Six is a highly skilled former CIA Operative, and was once the agency's best merchant of death.
After his escape from prison, and recruitment by former handler Donald Fitzroy, six is now on the run from the CIA with agent Lloyd Hansen hot on his trail.
Aided by Agent Dani Miranda, Hansen will stop at nothing to bring Sierra Six down.
What we have here from the Russo brothers is your basic cat and mouse chase across the globe for tax relief kind of movie. The beauty of films like this is that they remain timeless, 30 years ago it could have starred Harrison Ford and Michael Douglas. 20 years ago, it could have starred Matt Damon.............and here is where the problem lies.
You are reminded of much better movies than this whilst you are watching, and you are wanting to see them instead. Wether it be The Fugitive or a Bourne film, The Gray Man will end up lost on Netflix with the dozens of the other films like it.
But for the most paper, it's a fast paced, often hilarious film, with Chris Evans in one of his best roles for a very long time. So we go from country to country, with many thanks to the large font of the titular place they are in, and it keeps going and going like the energiser bunny, until the film stops dead in its tracks.
The scene I'm referring to is a fight between good guy and bad guy, and just when you think things are gong awry for the good guy, the bad guy literally stands up says something in the realm of 'I can't be bothered doing this' and leaves the film. It took me out of the film for a good few minutes.
After that Evans and Gosling visit the maze from the shining, and it all ends well.
So all in all, it's not terrible, and Billy Bob Thornton is pretty wonderful too.
He is in the film, I wasn't just saying he is wonderful...
Brian and Charles (2022)
My tummy is a washing machine....
Brian is a lonely inventor in rural Wales who spends his days building quirky, unconventional contraptions that seldom work.
Undeterred by his lack of success, he soon attempts his biggest project yet.
Using a washing machine and various spare parts, he invents Charles, an artificial intelligence robot that learns English from a dictionary and has an obsession with cabbages.........
Brian and Charles is one of the most captivating and moving films i have seen in quite a while, and it feels like your watching some crazy favourite Uncle of yours remaking Short Circuit, but that is where the comparison ends between the two.
The foundation of the film is David Earl, and if you've seen him in other works, such as Derek, and Afterlife, he can do this role perfectly, and he instantly makes the audience feel sympathy for him. He's just a really nice guy who is making some hilarious inventions, but he just has an air of something about him, that makes him instantly likeable.
Once Charles enters the film, the whole film opens up a little more. Charles is a very charming addition to Brian's life, and in due course he gets some recognition from the others in his village, some good, and some not so good. Once Charle's becomes more self aware, he oddly becomes very annoying at time, almost to the point that you wish that Brian would just switch him off, but then the film takes another turn.
To say anymore would spoil it, and this is one of the films of the year for me.
It's funny, romantic, humbling, and very sad in some parts....
A Day to Die (2022)
I bet it took the crew ages to come up with that title
After killing a drug syndicate member while protecting a parolee, Connor Connolly has one day to pay two million dollars he doesn't have to Tyrone Pettis.
He is forced to ask his old military ops crew, led by Brice Mason, to come together and somehow get the money before Connor loses everyone he loves.....
What you have here is another case of great cast, average film. Kevin 'Sorry I thought you were the other one' Dillon is the lead here, and for people who have. Little common sense on here will already know that Willis isn't predominant in this film, and due to his health issues, nothing more will be said in this review about him.
But it was fantastic to see Leon in this as the bad guy, channelling his performance in Cliffhanger to wonderful effect. And there's the always reliable Frank Grillo in it foe a few scenes to make the film feel a little more shines.
But it's use another mundane story somebody doing wrong to a crime lord ad having to pat them back in droves, or his pregnant wife will be killed, even though Leon tells people off for smoking around her.
Add a pound shop Davi's Schwimmer and you are left with a film that feels like 12 Rounds, but much longer.
And the effects team must have dared each other, as there is some of the poorest green screen ever committed to film.
So it's not terrible, just terribly average...
Never Say Never Again (1983)
My martinis still dry...
James Bond makes way for one last mission. Two nuclear warheads have been stolen by S. P. E. C. T. R. E. And its leader, Ernst Stavro Blofeld.
The British re-activate their "00" section and send Bond off to recover them.
A millionaire named Maximilian Largo has been noticed by Bond, who also has become suspicious of his Largo's female friend, Fatima.
Bond continues to investigate Largo, while dragging Largo's girlfriend, Domino into the mess.....
This was a cheeky little film that expected to overtake Octopussy, because we had OG Bond in the starring role, and making his film debut, Connery's wonder wig.
Lots of things are missing that make the official movies more iconic. The Gun Barrel sequence, the pre-credit sequence, and of course, the very un pc title sequence.
But NSNA gets around it, albeit in a very cheap looking way. The title song sounds like it belongs in a supermarket playlist, and the plethora of 007's that hurtle toward you make you feel a little queasy.
But one things for sure, people are only seeing this for Connery, and my gosh, doesn't he know it.
He's having the time of his life borrowing jokes from 70's sitcom Porridge, and saying the cheesiest one-liners, that make my dad jokes seem like classics.
The settings are beautiful, as is the action, especially the motorbike sequence, where you really have to suspend disbelief, thinking that Connery would actually do it.
There are so many parts of the film that almost make the film iconic. Bond playing a video game, is as tense as any action scene in the film, and for 1983, doesn't look that bad to be honest.
The plot follows the same plot of Thunderball, but again, people wanted to see this, as it was Connery, and at the time, was a little left field.
Imagine it happening today? Some loophole where Paramount still own Iron Man, and released it the same time as Endgame.
It was a small turning point for cinema back then.
But it's all a little bit of harmless fun, where people explode, video games electrocute people, and Rowan Atkinson gets thrown into a poll by a shirtless Connery.
Oh, and Connery breaks the fourth wall at the end...
Black Dog (1998)
I'm Meatloaf, and i'm your end of game boss....
Jack Crews has just been released from prison for vehicular manslaughter after losing control and hitting a stranded motorist.
His family are in danger of losing their house, so he takes a job from his boss driving a truck up from Atlanta "off the books".
But what Swayze doesn't know, is that the trailer is loaded with illegal artillery, and Red is hell bent on hijacking it.
Jack teams up with Earl to deliver the load and save his family.
You have to hand it to Swayze, when he makes a film, he went all. Point Break, he learned to surf and skydive, this, he passed a HGV test, and then for ghost.......oh.
It's your typical action film, a man is o the brink of losing his house, takes a way too easy job, finds out what is on the truck, decides not to do it, but then his family get kidnapped.
What's an ex con to do??
Not unlike Fury Road, Black Dog has Swayze driving a truck, and every now and again, a few bad guys try and take charge of the vehicle.
Hold on now for a second, this is exactly the same as Fury Road! George Miller, you cheeky little beggar...
Swayze and the rest of the cast are fine, Tobolowski stands out as a by the numbers cop, but it's the pile ups and the action what draw you to the film. They are pretty impressive, and a few people have shocking demises.
In the end, Swayze reaches his goal after haggling for his family, and the bad guys are gone.........except.....
Just when you thought it was safe to get back into your cab, Meatloaf makes a shocking return as the Thanos of this film.
It's all perfunctory stuff, quite fun, but this film disappeared without a trace.
See it, for sheer curiosity.
Up 'n' Under (1998)
You've had a look, now p**** off.....
The Manager of The Cobblers Arms, the most feared side in the Northern pub league, persuades Arthur to become involved in a seemingly hopeless bet to train a team of deadbeats, The Wheatsheaf, to play against his team.
Arthur readily accepts the challenge before realizing what a mammoth uphill struggle it would be
A chance meeting with Hazel Scott, a fitness instructor with her own gym, gives him an idea and between them they have just eight weeks to persuade, and bully the reluctant Wheatsheaf into a team capable of beating The Cobblers Arms.
Something which hasn't been done for ten years....
Up 'n' Under would never have been made if The Full Monty wasn't such a success, because this is that film, but covered up as a game of Rugby.
The rag tag team are what you expect, Morrisey is basically playing his Character from Men Behaving Badly, and it wears thin very very quickly. Janus as she was known then is only in it to do a certain scene, but surprisingly, she along with Olsen, are the best things about the team, because they have arcs, arcs that you care for.
Griff Rhys Jones pops up as a sweary commentator and too, becomes quite irritating at times.
It's all very predictable stuff, but not unwatchable, as you know they will all get along at first, fight and fall out toward the end of the second act, and the final third, it doesn't take a genius to guess who will be victorious.
It's alright for a sunday afternoon Geezer Pleaser.
The Gauntlet (1977)
Nag, Nag, Nag.................
Ben Shockley is well on his way to becoming a derelict cop when he is assigned to transport a witness named Gus Mally from Las Vegas, Nevada.
Mally turns out to be a prostitute with mob ties and incriminating information regarding a high-placed figure.
Shockley's suspicions are aroused and the betting line against Mally testifying begins to climb when Mally's house is literally shot to pieces.
The pair must face the truth about those they trust, as they fight their way to Phoenix, finally using an armoured bus to run a gauntlet of hundreds of police armed with high-powered weaponry......
The Gauntlet is probably one of the easiest films to watch. It's a great concept that has been copied numerous times, but with Eastwood on Dirty Harry lite mode, and also directed by him, this was one of his more fun films from the seventies.
Locke and Eastwood obviously have great chemistry, and the banter between them is enough to rival that of Midnight Run, another film heavily influenced by this.
Cars get blown up, Eastwood gets seven shades kicked out of him, he looks really cool on a motorbike, and doesn't give a hoot when 100+ cops are firing at him whilst he's on his modified bus.
It's short simple, and pretty tense as they get nearer to their destination.
It's a pretty good tonic to a bad day.
Crone Wood (2016)
I'm the green man.......
........and I'm wearing half of the wood....
A young couple who've just met decide to go camping in the titular woods on a whim.
But wouldn't you believe the audacity of it all?
Their romantic night descends into terror when they run afoul of a mysterious pagan cult that calls the wood their home............
And that is the trouble with Pagan cults, sometimes they won't bother you unless you bother them ala Kill List, or they have plans for you the minute they meet you, ala The Wicker Man.
The first act is breath taking, we see our couple buy camping supplies and flirt a little bit. After that rollercoaster of a first act, we spend the second act in the woods, they get lost, and bump into a group of girls, whom may as well be wearing Antagonist T-shirts.
It's all pretty mundane stuff, our main guy is molested, tied up and dressed up like an extra from A Midsummer Night's Dream, and he's there for the pagan ritual.
But he runs off, in what the writers thought would suprise us, but you know from the moment he sips his wine, it's all over for him.
It tries to evoke chills, especially in the last ten minutes, but its pretty predictable and bland.
Just like the food served on the table.....
Butcher Boys (2012)
The Texas Chainsaw Judgment Night...
After celebrating their friend Kenny's seventeenth birthday, Sissy, her younger brother, Mikey, and Kenny's girlfriend, Barbie, stop for gas, only to cross paths with the wrong people.
Before long, an accident happens in an abandoned, dark part of the city and the gang of the ferocious Butcher Boys enters the picture, hungry for revenge, blood, and human flesh.
Now, the stage seems set for the ultimate hunt. Is there an escape from the nightmarish realm of the urban cannibals.......
Whilst watching this film, I felt it bore an resemblance to the far superior 'Judgment Night'. A group of friends take the wrong turn and find themselves running for their lives from a gang that 'owns' the part of the town that they are stuck in.
Add in the fact that they are cannibals, and have a 'Leatherface' type member of the gang, you get a TCM vibe, but this film was supposed to be a sequel to that, so you kind of expect it.
It starts off really tense, a dog gets killed, the gang kill a couple of dudes who were chasing our protagonists, and the hunt is on.
It's just that the gang are pretty much paint by numbers hoods, and as the film progresses, the stranger and sillier it gets, until the finale, where it's an all out slaughter of Vegans and our gang, who die in progressively gorier ways.
But it's more fun than you would think, and it does get pretty tense, when our gang hide in the most ridiculous places, instead of running for their lives.
So despite a few tropes, it's a pretty good horror film.
All of Me (1984)
I'm thinking of old nuns.....
Edwina Cutwater feels her untimely death coming up. So she has decided to take a chance.
A Tibetan master of meditation, will transfer her soul into the body of Terry Hoskins.
Accidentally, her soul is transferred into the body of her lawyer Roger Cobb, whose soul remains in his body.
Now, Edwina has control of the right half of Roger's body, his soul the left half.
They struggle together to get her soul into the right body, but not without having some conflicts between themselves to solve.
Is this some sort of distant sequel to 'The Man With Two Brains'? When you think about it, the narrative structure is very similar, and the ending is almost a carbon copy of the other.
But this is Martin at his finest, a very deep character whom knows what he wants in life, and this is what makes his character so rich. On the inside, Roger is the straight man, but on the outside, Martin puts so much physical comedy in his gait and his posture, it leaves you in awe at times.
The eighties were rife with body swap comedies, and this is one of the funnier ones. You get the predictable awkward scenarios, such as when Roger needs to use the bathroom, or when he is getting intimate with his future off screen wife.
It's light, refreshing, and Martin and Tomlin have a great comic chemistry with one another.
But it's the physical comedy that is the standout, and there is plenty to see here.
Enjoyable fluff.
Stick (1985)
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?...
Ernest 'Stick' Stickley returns home from prison, and very soon he gets involved with his old friend in a drug deal that goes sour.
Hired by a rich investor, he tries to go straight, but trouble follows him as he tries to collect a debt and make up for lost time with his daughter.
Stick also finds a new flame with a financial wiz and gets set to enjoy a new life, but Chucky and Nestor, the two hoods who owe him the debt, have other plans to stick it to Stick.
Stick, say the word a few times over, and it doesn't sound like a word anymore, and it's uttered so many times in this film, that it becomes chucklesome after a while.
Reynolds is great as the titular character, and you know he's tough because he jumps off a train and his hat stays on, and he also sets a mans bottom on fire.......and this in the first ten minutes.
The film is a pretty serious affair, and could have done with some of the humour that the studio demanded to be cut, but Reynolds throws a few one-liners in the mix.
As a director, Reynolds keeps the narrative tight, and the characters are very fleshed out, and Stick has a wonderful relationship with his daughter.
The action and the score feels a lot like Friedkin's 'To Live And Die In L. A.' but that isn't a criticism, as that film is one of the finest films ever to be made.
It has a real eightie's feel to it, and it has been locked in that decade, everything from the clothing, to the houses, it douses us with the eightie's and it's all the more watchable for it.
It also features one of the finest stunts ever filmed, and special equipment was made for the film, and it's worth every penny.
It's not going to be for everyone, but if you like the decade, and the synth score, and of course, Reynolds, you have a tailor made movie for you..
The Fast and the Furious (2001)
I live my life a quarter of a mile at a time....
Street racer Dominic Toretto falls under the suspicion of the LAPD for a string of high-speed electronics truck robberies.
Brian O'Connor, an officer of the LAPD, joins the ranks of Toretto's highly skilled racing crew undercover to convict Toretto.
However, O'Connor finds himself both enamoured with this new world and in love with Toretto's sister, Mia.
As a rival racing crew gains strength, O'Connor must decide where his loyalties lie.
Who would have thought twenty one years later that not only would this series still exist, but the fact that this franchise is one of the biggest of all time.
This was back in the day when Dominic and his gang were stealing DVD players, VCR's, and Camcorders. Now they go into space....
But as a stand alone film, it's a pretty ordinary film, basically copying the plot of the far superior 'Point Break', and ticking all the boxes that these narratives run by.
You know by the final act all will be well, Brian and Dominic will become best buddies, Mia and Brian will have Dominic's blessings, and all will have fun and drink Corona's.
Fun, pretty solid action, and Walker and Diesel have great chemistry together. It's such a shame that it's a pretty ordinary film.
Imagine if Point Break went this way....
The Lonely Guy (1984)
We were very today people....
When Larry Hubbard finds his girlfriend in bed with another man he is forced to begin a new life as single.
But since he can't bear being on his own he tries to court Iris who is not however interested in him.
Larry begins writing a book on his experience as a single which unexpectedly becomes a best seller.
He becomes rich and famous and even his relationship with Iris can begin on a new basis.
The Lonely Guy is a very weird comedy. It's funny, veering toward sight gags and jokes ala Airplane, but all the while, holds the air of a very depressing film.
Martin is wonderful as Larry, one of his lesser known films, and it's clear to see why, it does make a connection with people, especially those whom are not in a relationship, it makes you breath a sigh of relief, knowing that you're not that pathetic and alone.
But then Larry hits the big time, and earns himself a mint by writing a book. So he may be lonely, but he has money and a nice apartment.
Surely he cannot be too lonely after this? The mind boggles.
Grodin is also brilliant as Larry's equally lonely friend, and they spend much of the movie maundering to each other, and trying to out depress one another.
Believe me, if you have just come out of a relationship, see Airplane! Or The Naked Gun. This is a really well made funny film, but it's so desperately depressing.
No Time to Die (2021)
Hello Q. I've missed you.....
Having left active service, Bond finally settles down and enjoys a tranquil life.
But his peace is short lived when he is approached by his old friend Felix Leiter for an assignment to help recover a kidnapped scientist.
Little does he realise is that his past is slowly catching up to him as the mission gets more dangerous at every turn.
James soon finds out that he must take on a new enemy who is determined to change the world in his image.........
So they finally did it after 59 years, they killed James Bond. But what a way to go, the last third of the film is one of the most touching moments in Bond's history, and it was a wonderful send off, going out in style to protect the two most important people on earth to him.
It's just a shame about the stodgy second act. It just goes on and on. Craig is again solid as Bond. His Bond was gritty, personal, funny, and the most important, very dangerous.
Not since Dalton has there been a Bond who you really think will bend or break the rules to get his own way. He shines whenever he is on screen.
Malek is a great actor, but unfortunately his character is poorly written, and comes across as a selfish child, rather than someone whom wants to dominate the world. Talk about a poison pen letter.
The rest of the team are also present, but never really hit the film until they learn of Bond's demise. Yes, they are great, but they have very little to do other than dismiss Bond, or warn Bond.
The opening scene is one of the longest in the series run, and it's almost a film in itself. Bond learns of betrayal and deception, it's just his luck he is in a beautiful part of the world, in an iconic vehicle, with oodles of bad guys trying to kill him. It's exciting tense, and funnily enough, quite warm, even though Bond shows a very cold side to him.
The references to 'We have all the time in the world' are pretty apt, and go beautifully with the film.
So all in all, it's a good film, too long, but it's enjoyable, giving Craig the farewell he deserves.
But my burning question is.......
How can James Bond return?
The Fanatic (2019)
I gotta poo..........
Moose gets cheated out of meeting his favorite action hero, Hunter Dunbar.
He then hunts down Dunbar to get the celebrity interaction he feels he deserves.
Harmless at first, Moose's actions begin to take a dark turn. Against the advice of his friend Leah, Moose begins to make frequent visits to his hero's private home.
As the visits continue to escalate, Dunbar finds himself in increasing danger.......
The fanatic is one of those films that you can't really believe has been made, but you really have to see it because of Travolta. I have no idea what he is ding, or how much he got paid, but you could be forgiven in thinking that this character has come straight out of an Adam Sandler film.
Moose is really bizarre, not because of his mental health problems, but the way he dresses, that really unsettling Policeman he plays on the walk of fame, and his fantasies.
This could have been made so many times over, and while Travolta is a good actor otherwise, he is woefully miscast in this. Get Nicolas Cage in the lead, and then you have a masterpiece. He can get away with this material, and would have added depth to the character, not just rub his ear and smell it.
Apparently based on an incident that happened to Fred Durst (whom also helped write and direct the film), it shows that Durst wasn't paying much attention, because at the end, you end up really disliking Dunbar, and rooting for Moose.
Life imitates art I guess........
Village of the Damned (1995)
Emotion is irrelevant......
..............when it comes to watching this, Carpenters poorest effort to date.
An American village is visited by some unknown life form which leaves the women of the village pregnant.
Nine months later, the babies are born, and they all look normal, but it doesn't take the parents long to realise that their offsprings are not human, or indeed, humane.
This film can be noted for two specific things. This is the only time in his career that Carpenter missed the mark, and it's the that Paul Hogan let Linda Koz0lowski be in without him being the star.
It's all a real pointless affair, Reeve is the lead, but you can't help but think of him as Superman, because he owned that role (and still does to this day), and that takes you away from the narrative that the film is trying to tell.
The other cast just don't seem to be that concerned that their children look the same, act the same, and don't want to play in the dirt, they either shrug it off, or let them carry on with it.
The children are far from intimidating, and whilst watching this, I kept asking myself 'why doesn't somebody take a swing at the head child', as they become more and more frustratingly irritating as the film goes on.
I feel like Carpenter just lost interest when making this, and it really shows. It's an ordeal to get through, and when the best part of the film is Christopher Reeve literally thinking of a brick wall, you may as well give up, and them take over the world....
The Mangler (1995)
It folded her like a sheet.............
When an accident involving a folding machine at an old laundry occurs, detective John Hunton decides to investigate.
The titular machine machine has acquired a taste for flesh, but is there more to the owner of the machine, Bill Gartley than meets the eye, and does he know what monster hides behind the machine..........
It seemed once upon a time that anything with King's name on it could be turned into a film. Some can be The Shining, or Misery. And some can be this.
Heaven knows what Levine was thinking when he signed on to this, he plays a shlubby cop who has a penchant for a little booze, and gets involved in the case of The Mangler.
And the film is as poor as anyone could expect it to be. Every now and then, one of the workers gets a little too near to the machine, and then like magic, they get mangled.
Add movie icon in a worthless role as an old man doing an impression of Freddy, and you have your film.
Englund is hardly in it, and they hav eonly cast him because he is a horror icon.
So add him and King, and you can get a movie made about a possessed machine that folds clothes.........really.
Save for a pretty decent kill at the end, and this film has nothing whatsoever to offer.
And then there were two sequels......
Flatliners (2017)
Surprisingly not DOA.....
Five medical students embark on dangerous experiment to gain insight into the mystery of what lies beyond the confines of life.
It all begins when they trigger near-death experiences by stopping their hearts for short periods of time.
As their trials become more perilous, each must confront the sins from their past while facing the paranormal consequences of journeying to the other side.......
Another year, and another remake. They are so common now that remakes are getting remakes, reimaginings, side-quels, and multi genre-verses.
Luckily Flatliners falls into the 'pointless, but at least it ain't horrific' category. The main problem here is that the cast here have nothing whatsoever on the cast of the far superior original which arguably pushed boundaries a little back in 1990.
The makers even throw in a cameo from Kiefer Sutherland in, just to remind everybody just how better he is than anyone else, even if it is a pointless role.
To be honest, everything here is pointless. It's bereft of any tension or scares, the effects are okay, but look like the makers wanted this in 3D, and come the end, you may want to give your 4K player the kiss of life, after enduring this trash.
So it's not terrible, just pointless...
Countdown (2019)
APP-ceptable.......
When a young nurse downloads an app that claims to predict exactly when a person is going to die, it tells her she only has three days to live.
With time ticking away and death closing in, she must find a way to save her life before time runs out.......
Once in a while, you need a predictable horror film, with predictable jump scares, and typecast characters to get you through a bad day.
Countdown is tailor made for that.
Ticking the jump scare horror film boxes with the heaviest stamp you can find, the film is short, straight to the point, and at times, genuinely unsettling. But it feels like it's 13 years too late, and should have been released when Hollywood was remaking J-Horror, and releasing silly films like Stay Alive, or the Prom Night remake. This film sits comfortably with other PG-13 horror.
The cast are disposable, yet believable, and there are a few laughs to be had, but never going full comedy, we just get the sarcastic cell phone shop worker.
So all in all, it's a throwaway horror, that you will forget immediately.
And don't bother downloading the app, it was a special feature on the Final Destination DVD 18 years prior to this.
Ambulance (2022)
Does your wife know you rob banks?.....
Decorated veteran Will Sharp, desperate for money to cover his wife's medical bills, asks for help from the one person he knows he shouldn't-his adoptive brother Danny.
A charismatic career criminal, Danny instead offers him a score..... the biggest bank heist in Los Angeles history: $32 million.
With his wife's survival on the line, Will can't say no. But when their getaway goes spectacularly awry, the desperate brothers hijack an ambulance with a wounded cop clinging to life and Paramedic Cam Thompson onboard.
In a high-speed pursuit that never stops, Will and Danny must evade a city-wide law enforcement response, keep their hostages alive, all while executing the most insane escape L. A. has ever seen.......
Whatever you think of Bay as a director (The Transformers films are my cinema hell), you have to hand it to him, the man knows how to orchestrate a set piece. Be it the car chase in The Rock, The car chase in The Island, The car chase in.....you get the picture. He spares no expense and thrills when he wants to.
Ambulance is basically two action set pieces. The Bank Robbery (which is the best thing about the movie), and then the rest of the film which is the getaway.
It shouldn't work, there are so many flaws to the film, such as the tiresome camera angles, and the prehistoric critiques different members of the law have for each other, it feels so nineties. But for sheer thrills and audacity, Bay manages to hit home one of his best pieces of work in at least 17 years.
Gyllenhaal is chewing scenery here as the psycho brother of the two, and he's a joy to watch...for a while. And this is where the film falters.
It's a joy to watch......for a while, and then it gets a little too long in the tooth. There is only so much back and forth the brothers can have to entertain us, and there is only so much danger Cam and her patient can get into, or threatened, before it becomes almost farcical.
Shave the film by 30 minutes, and you have a solid action thriller. We don't need the singing of a song, we don't need the constant shots of snipers poised at the ready, or the phone calls from the FBI to SWAT, to whomever else. It gets to the point where the film gets a little too long in the tooth, and verges on the side of boring.
Which is a shame, because for the most part, it's a solid movie, and Bay has a whale of a time referencing some of his other films, which seems to do nothing more than to boost his already inflated ego.
Maybe if this was made 25 years ago, and Starred Nicolas Cage and Wesley Snipes, it would have been a certified blockbuster.
Instead, we get a small arthouse film from the director of 'things go bang'.
Shhhh (2014)
they are missing the I and the T from the title...
Harris and his Mother enjoy bonding when going to the movies, but it seems that other occupants in the cinemas are making it harder for them to enjoy the show.
Soon, someone starts murdering those disrupting the film, and now Harris finds himself not only confronting his past, but questioning his own sanity as well.....
When a films plot summary entices you, you can be forgiven for ignoring the low score, and even the films that are recommended if you've seen this (believe me there are some beauties). This must be a cinephiles dream come true, someone taking revenge on people who ruin the movie for others.........but the reality is that this film is the stuff of nightmares.
The bad acting and the cheap look of the film doesn't bother me, I was half expecting it. But what does bother me is one of the murders that is featured in the film. It's beyond abhorrent, and it tries to too hard to be shocking and exploitative.
This is just downright repulsive, and leaves an awful taste in your mouth, hating the rest of the film.
Some guy whom is a loser has written a decent script, but has it stolen by a neighbour, but the film has a sub plot of a murderer who kills people for talking and anything else than watching a film in the cinema.
It's a slog to get through, and after the offending scene, you lose all respect for the makers of this trash.
Anyone, and i mean anyone who gets anything other than hate and nausea from the scene in question, shouldn't be allowed within 10 feet of another human being.
I love a good horror and an inventive death as much as the next gorehound, but taking it too far is an understatement.
Trash.....
Die Another Day (2002)
Sigh another day.....
After being incarcerated and tortured whilst on a mission in North Korea, James Bond is traded for a psychotic terrorist and released back to M16, only to be accused of giving information.
Bond escapes and goes after Zao, a deranged terrorist who knows who betrayed Bond to the North Koreans.
Bond chases Zao around the globe and to a shady billionaire and a plot to change the world.
But bond soon discovers that no one is who they seem to be......
Talk about a film to bow out on. Die Another Day isn't the worst Bond film in the world, why, it's not even Brosnan's poorest entry. But the sheer audacity of the film beggars belief, and just mocks the audience into a sense that this is a plausible entry to the franchise.
To be fair to the makers though, this was released on the 40th anniversary of Dr. No, so they could have filmed anything and people would have gone to see it.
It's best not to think of it as a film, more of a reference guide to the previous Bond films before it. Because each prior film is referenced in this 'film'. The plot is bizarre, and when a film includes invisible cars, ice palaces, and some really terrible CGI, you give up and just stare at the screen.
This is the Batman and Robin of the Bond franchise, you know it's terrible, but every now and again, you can't help but revisit it just for laughs.
Madonna is in it, for some reason, so is Oliver Skeet, and the only thing that is missing is Bond having a credit card saying 'Never Again'
A steaming marshmallow of a film.