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10/10
Best Movie of the year!!!
13 August 2013
First off I can't believe the amount of negative reviews from people on this film, you are all not right in the head. I'm sick and tired of you Politically correct liberals moaning about racism and violence and all that other dribble you go on about, simply don't watch Tarantino films from now on, you no what they involve, stick to your driving miss daisy or Religious crap.

Now the film itself, in my opinion the greatest work from Tarantino, he still remains the king of great films. Every single person in this movie did a fantastic job, my personal favorite being Samuel L. Jackson, he was purely amazing in this film, sinister, funny, and full of awesomeness. Christoph Waltz as usual delivers an outstanding performance. So far this the best of Tarantino's films, gonna be hard to top.
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1/10
Dreadful
31 July 2012
The one and only reason I watched this film was because Michael Madsen was in it, and I am a loyal fan to him, I knew that this was going to be awful as its the same director that did A COLD DAY IN HELL, also starring Madsen. I understand there is only so much you can do with a small budget, but come on please, I made a film last year for $1000 that was 10 times the quality of this, and Im still struggling to get noticed, this is insane, For the love of god when people in this movie get shot, where is the blood?? if you cant afford squibs, at least put blood in the area the person was suppose to have been shot, how hard is that. Please for the love of god Mr. Madsen keep away from this. You are so much better, you are the king in my book. But this is below you.
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6/10
Worth a watch.
28 March 2012
Like the other reviewers, I'm a bit surprised at this movie's low rating. It's not the most amazing horror movie I've ever seen, but it's good enough for a 6/10 or 7/10.

The directing is a bit uneven, but there are some quite striking visuals. The writing, while a bit clichéd, is still competent. For a movie I was expecting to be barely watchable, it was a very pleasant surprise.

I suppose the obvious comparison would be with The Keep, where a group of Nazis unearth an ancient evil, then seek to banish it, when they realize they're over their heads. This certainly isn't a pretentious movie, and it seems to have no illusions about being high art, but it is a bit heavy on the exposition and dialogue. If you have a short attention span, you might want to skip this movie, because the violence and gore aren't really as prominent as it leads you to believe ("Saw with swastikas" is not a very good description of this movie).

For a B movie, it's really quite enjoyable. Just don't go in expecting a big budget and slavish attention to detail.
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1/10
what a pathetic excuse for a film
30 January 2012
Warning: Spoilers
If it wasn't for the fact that I was watching this dumpsterpiece movie with four friends, I would be bashing my head against something hard, and questioning the very usefulness of my life. In other words, yes, this movie was THAT bad. I've heard that Birdemic was supposed to be a very bad, very cheap rip off of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, but Lord almighty! Fifteen minutes into it I was starting to panic.

Rod (Alan Bagh), is a Silicon Valley software designer yuppie who has just made it big. Not to mention he always walks like he wears a back brace. He's about to land a deal that will make him a millionaire, because this movie certainly won't do that. Also, he drives my dream car (a Ford Mustang), and always drives about 20 mph below the speed limit. Have some respect, dude. But anyway, Rod goes into a diner and meets Natalie (Whitney Moore) by first asking "didn't you go to high school with me?" Natalie is also a very hot blonde aspiring model, who just happens to give her phone number to a guy like Rod, whom she barely knows. That's basically the first half of the movie, a romance blossoming. On top of that, there are stories about the ice caps melting, and swarms of eagles dying. Uh oh, does this mean Al Gore was right? One night, Rod and Natalie go to a cheap motel to have loving, but emotionless sex. All of a sudden, swarms of eagles are going around, swarming people, killing people, and blowing up houses by ramming into them like kamikaze pilots. Now, it's up to this young couple to try to find survivors, and kill birds. Soon along the way, we meet Dr. Jones (Rick Camp), who tells us that we screwed up this planet, created global warming, and now birds are killing everybody.

So .where to begin with this movie? First off, it has probably the worst acting I have ever seen in a movie that's not a porno. I would say the acting was as wooden as Pinocchio, but Pinocchio actually DOES become a real boy at the end. There was no hope for this movie at all. I saw this being sold on blu ray for $25. I don't even think this movie cost 25 cents to make! Just watch the trailer, you'll know exactly what I mean. Everything about this movie sucked. The script was so badly written, it was almost a tragicomedy. At least Hitchcock's The Birds had robotic birds. Okay, the CGI buzzards that were attacking people, I think the editing machines in a public access TV studio are more sophisticated. Plus, there were a lot of underlying themes about global warming here. If these environmentalist screenwriters wanted to convince me to stop contributing to greenhouse gasses, they're going to have to do better that Birdemic. I seriously hope the filmmakers weren't taking this too seriously, because it's such a joke.

I love B rate movies, and I like playing "Mystery Science Theater 3000″ with them. But this movie made Ed Wood look like Orson Welles. Some of these lines are so awful: "Humans need to stop playing cowboys with nature." When people were attacked by birds, they were more or less being attack by a Windows 3.1 screensaver. I would have made a better movie when I was in middle school. What else do I have to say? Just go online and watch the trailer, that will visualize everything. I'm all for cheap filmmaking, but this is just pushing it.

I leave you with this thought. I mentioned earlier that I was watching this colostomy bag of a movie with four friends, where we made sarcastic remarks. My thought is maybe this is why bad movies are made, why Birdemic was made–to bring in more social gatherings.
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1/10
Worst movie in history
24 January 2012
Looks like it's shot on video and probably went straight to DVD, a complete waste of both. The acting is sub high school drama class. The script, particularly the dialog, is just plain awful. The scenery is all wrong- the setting is the Sierra Nevada Mountains but there's not a pine tree or snow capped peak to be seen. The time period is mid to late 1800's and books from that time period are already old. The buildings are are also already old. The continuity is a constant problem. Guns change, books change, glasses are moved, empty, full and empty again. I seriously can't believe Michael Madsen agreed to be in this train wreck. I can only assume he owed someone some serious money or this was a close family members Jr. High School film project
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Infestation (2009)
9/10
I was shocked to see it was a great film
3 May 2011
Warning: Spoilers
I hadn't heard anything about this film before I saw it. This made for quite an interesting viewing experience. Set in a town somewhere in America, Cooper, a bit of a waster, is about to be fired from his job when a piercing noise knocks everyone out…

Cooper wakes up to find himself covered in some kind of white webbing. He pulls it off himself only to be confronted by a three foot long insect that immediately attacks him. Having fought several of these bugs off, he goes and finds his boss, Maureen, who is disorientated. They figure out they have been out for several days and Maureen suddenly remembers her daughter, Sara, was outside in a car. Cooper goes outside to get her but Maureen follows and is crying out when she is suddenly taken away by a flying bug. Cooper and Sara make it to a diner and, having woken everyone up there, decide to go to his father's house, about a days' walk away. They also discover that the bugs can't see, they only react to sound, so it's very important to stay quiet. The group consists of Cooper, Sara, Cindy (a weather girl), Hugo & Albert (father & son) and Leechee (a student). The set off and make it to another building before nightfall. Cooper makes it no secret he's interested in Sara, but she rebuffs his attentions. They decide to capture one of the bugs and test its venom. Leechee does the test and they find it's mostly a sedative. The next morning they move on but Leechee stays behind to wake more people and study the bugs further. The journey is dangerous and more revelations are to be made, but I'll stop here, don't want to give too much away!

I was quite surprised, for a B-movie type film, it's pretty well made. The effects, although not the best, aren't all that bad. The dialogue could have done with a bit more work, but there were one or two good one-liners in there. Decent performances from all of the main cast, honourable mentions go to Chris Marquette as Cooper, Brooke Nevin as Sara, Kinsey Packard as Cindy, E. Quincy Sloan as Hugo, Wesley Thompson as Albert, Linda Park as Leechee and Ray Wise as Ethan (he had the best comedy lines).

This wasn't a bad movie, but it wasn't great either. I think the main problem was I didn't particularly like Cooper at the beginning, he grew on me as the film progressed, but I still didn't find him particularly likable. Also, the big fight at the end was a bit of a let down. So, over all, it's got a few laughs, the CGI is pretty good but it has some poor effects towards the end. Not bad, but not great.
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Death Wish 3 (1985)
7/10
the cursed 3
25 April 2011
Warning: Spoilers
Death Wish 3 is set in New York where part time architect, part time vigilante Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson) has just arrived in order to visit his Korean war buddy Charley (Francis Drake) but is shocked to find Charley lying dead in his apartment, the police arrive & arrest Kersey for Charley's murder. While locked up Inspector Richard Shriker (Ed Lauter) informs Kersey that they have a problem with thugs who the law can't touch & that he know's of Kersey's vigilante past & gives Kersey his blessing to clean up the streets anyway he want with the police turning a blind eye. Kersey agrees & sets out to clean up Charley's neighbourhood & dish out some death wish style justice to his killers...

Directed by Michael Winner this was third entry in the Death Wish series which up to Death Wish 3 had all been directed by Winner but he left the series after this one, made by the infamous Cannon Group this has it's admirers but I didn't think it was as much fun as it could have or indeed should have been. Here in the UK a TV channel is running a Death Wish season (how desperate is that?) although for some reason it is starting at Death Wish 3 & going through to Death Wish V: The Face of Death (1994) so I won't be able to say how they compare to the original two. Anyway, as a vigilante film most of the clichés are here, a seemingly powerless police force, the helpless victims bullied & brutalised, your typical bad guy's & a no nonsense hero who dishes out some justice. Not that much happens here, Bronson & the main bad guy play off against each other for the majority of the film with me sitting there just thinking why don't one just shoot the other dead? Then there's a silly climax in which a war breaks loose on the New York streets between the bad guy's, the cops & Kersey. There's a very abrupt & unconvincing romance between Kersey & his lawyer & not that much is made of the relationship between Shirker & Kersey. Despite it's faults, or maybe because of them Death Wish 3 is never nothing but entertaining & is fun in a bad sort of way, it's just so bad & funny you can't take your eyes off it. Not a masterpiece but it's good fun if your in the right mood.

Unfortunately Winner can't direct action scenes & all the set-pieces are badly shot in a really dull & lethargic way. The violence is quite tame with little in the way of blood or much pay-off for the villains although Bronson gets to play around with some seriously big guns. There's a rape scene although not as graphic as those seen in the previous two. The opening theme music is absolutely terrible, the photography is flat & there's not that much style either. Writer Don Jakoby had his name removed from the credits for some reason although it is still seen on the original promotional trailer.

Although set entirely in New York at least of Death Wish 3 was shot in London for some reason. The acting isn't great & Bronson really is very wooden which comes across especially when he's got a romantic bit to act out.

Death Wish 3 is entertaining but for all the wrong reasons, it's a laugh if your in the right mood but I really couldn't describe it as a good film. Followed by two more sequels Death Wish 4: The Crackdown (1987) & Death Wish V: The Face of Death.
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7/10
got to 5
25 April 2011
Charles Bronson's last theatrical film was a return to his most popular character, the vigilante killer Paul Kersey. This time Bronson gets to deal with organized crime in a most personal way.

Bronson's now back in New York and involved with fashion magnate Lesley Anne Down who has a daughter Erica Lancaster. What Bronson doesn't know is that Down was formerly married to Irish mobster Michael Parks who has a nice hammerlock on the garment industry including her own business which he uses for money laundering. He's also Lancaster's father as well.

As is the pattern of all the Death Wish movies Bronson springs into action when a woman close to him dies. Down was the fifth and final one that this happened to. Unlike previous Death Wish films though where Bronson is just capping bad guys as he finds them, he's got some very specific targets in mind.

Death Wish V: The Face of Death did not do all that great at the box office, Bronson was probably getting too old for the part and another generation of film fans had come along. That's a pity because this one was definitely better than the two Death Wish films immediately proceeding.

Favorite moment was Bronson getting to contract killer Robert Joy, the follicly challenged hit-man who Bronson cures of his dandruff.

It would have been nice had Bronson finally settled down with another wife, but I'm guessing Down was killed so that another Death Wish film might have been made that never was.
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Death Wish II (1982)
3/10
meh take it or leave it
25 April 2011
It's been a few years now that Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson) is been living the good life in Los Angeles with his girlfriend Geri (Jill Ireland) and his daughter Carol (Robin Sherwood), who's still traumatized after the brutal rape in the past. But Carol is slowly getting better now, although she doesn't speak. When Paul gets robbed by a group of muggers by stealing his wallet, when he was taking his girlfriend and his daughter out. But Paul doesn't realized those muggers would go to his house by raping his maid (Silvana Gallardo) and waiting for him to come home. When Paul and his daughter came home, he got beat up and kidnapped his daughter. When one of those muggers raped his daughter, she escapes from them but she accidentally killed himself from jumping through a window by getting impaled by the railing below. When Paul finds out his maid has died, including his own daughter. Now Paul goes back being a vigilante in the mean streets of L.A. by night to finding these murderous, stealing, rapists thugs.

Directed by Michael Winner (Lawman, The Mechanic, The Sentinel) made an OK if unnecessary sequel to the effective "Death Wish". Which Winner also made the original film. Nearly none of the strong impact of the first movie is there. It's nearly played for unintentional laughs and it is often very silly. Bronsan looks bored here, he certainly did the role for the money. Vincent Gardenia, who was in the original as Detective Frank Ochoa is back in a supporting role. Ireland, who was real-life wife of Bronson.

Still, fans of the "Death Wish" features will find some entertainment here. The lead thugs are recognizable, especially a young Kevyn Major Howard (Best known for his supporting roles in "Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket" and "Alien Nation") and Laurence Fishburne. He gets the biggest unintentional laughter in the movie, when Fishburne tries to shield himself from a shooting with a Boombox! Charles Cyphers (Who best known in supporting roles in John Carpenter's movies like " Assault on Precient 13", "The Fog" and "Halloween") appears as The Head Orderly during the last act of the picture. Director Winner and Actor Bronson returned for the extremely stupid but entertaining "Death Wish 3". Which "Death Wish 3" is the best of the sequels. Bronson's fans will cherish this, while others won't bother
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Death Wish (1974)
10/10
Superb
25 April 2011
Warning: Spoilers
This was an EXCELLENT revenge film, that i really enjoyed!. Charles Bronson was awesome here and this movie had a lot of disturbing moments, especially near the beginning when his wife gets her head kicked in and his daughter gets raped, and i loved the ending it left me with a huge grin on my face!.The plot is fairly simple and the characters are typical (but at least were very interesting but the script was excellent and the characters were as i said very interesting. The directing was fantastic!. Michael Winner did a fantastic job here moving it along at a very fast pace especially during the night scenes it made for some creepy atmosphere, and he did a lot of cool camera shots!. There is a bit of violence. we get quite a few bloody gunshot wounds, a couple of harsh somewhat bloody beatings, rape, big bloody wound on someone's shoulder and some somewhat bloody surgical gore. The acting was GREAT!. Charles Bronson was absolutely fantastic in the lead role, he kicked that ass, and i felt very sorry for his character after all his wife gets beaten to death and his daughter gets raped!, he did a wonderful job!.Hope Lange was only on screen for a few minutes but she was great when she was and appeared to have good chemistry with Bronson!. Steven Keats does okay as Kersey's son but didn't have much to do. Kathleen Tolan didn't have much to do but act shocked throughout the film. Overall this is an EXCELLENT revenge film that i HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend!
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The Hollow (2004 TV Movie)
2/10
Stink film, truly awful
25 April 2011
The Hollow starts on the Eve of Halloween at the small American town of Sleepy Hollow where new resident Ian Cranston (Kevin Zegers) is driving along trying to impress a local bird named Karen (Kaley Cuoco) when he has to swerve to miss the local cemetery keeper Claus Van Ripper (Stacy Keach) who then tries to convince Ian that he is an actual descendant of Ichabod Crane (just watch Tim Burton's fantastic Sleepy Hollow (1999) to find out who he is) whom escaped the ghostly Headless Horseman many decades ago, so since Ian is technically a Crane the Headless Horseman decides he will take what he can get so he intends to kill Ian as some sort of revenge. Look, just don't ask. Annoyingly for the local population of Sleepy Hollow the Headless Horseman doesn't mind killing anyone who gets in his way, cue lots of American teenagers... yawn...

Directed by Kyle Newman who according to the IMDb credits casted himself as the 'Cool High School Dude' I personally thought The Hollow was rubbish, it's as simple & straight forward as that really. The script by co-producer Hans Rodionoff who also makes a cameo appearance in the finished film as a corpse 'borrows' heavily from Burton's wonderful Sleepy Hollow which The Hollow is inferior to in every single aspect. The first thing to say is that while Burton's film was a brilliant Gothic period who dun-nit murder mystery & by comparison The Hollow is a cheap, tacky, predictable contemporary teen slasher riddled with clichés, bad character's, poor dialogue & unconvincing CGI effects. The decision to move the ahem, 'action' to modern America & populate the cast with annoying teen stereotypes says it all really, this is lazy & uninspired film-making. Add to that the fact that the first 50 odd minutes are really slow, boring & dull which they most certainly are. Apart from the basic legend of the Headless Horseman which is quite a cool concept, a nice looking cast & one or two half decent scenes The Hollow has very little going for it.

Director Newman does nothing to impress, it's competent but little else. What's up with Stacy Keach's character anyway? He seems to know absolutely everything, when the Headless Horseman appears, what his weaknesses are, that Ian is a distant relation to Crane & just about everything else. There's not much gore & what there is totally revolves around decapitated heads & headless bodies. They couldn't afford the CGI effects to make the Headless Horseman headless so they stick a pumpkin on his stump to hide the actors head which looks about twice as large as a normal head, personally I feel cheated I mean this film is supposed to be all about a ghostly Headless Horseman & there technically isn't one. In fact I think they should have renamed him to the Pumpkinhead Horseman, well it has ring to it doesn't it & it would have been a more accurate description.

With a supposed of about $900,000 which I accept isn't much The Hollow is reasonably well made but you'll have probably forgotten it within a day. Quite how (once) respected actors like Keach & Judge Reinhold end up in bottom of the barrel crap like this is anyone's guess, the teenage cast are mostly annoying although some of the birds in this are good looking especially Erica played by Shelly Bennett who gets her head chopped off.

The Hollow is a pointless film really, Tim Burton has already made the perfect Headless Horseman film with Sleepy Hollow & what's left is just your less-than-average teen slasher film that fails to entertain or impress. Not one to rush out to see...
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1/10
eww, yuk, no no no stop
21 April 2011
Warning: Spoilers
What was with all the Turkish actors? No offense but I thought it was all for nothing for all these actors. The film had no script to test any actors acting skill or ability. It demanded next to nothing I bought this film to see Michael Madsen. He is one of my favorite actors but this film was another failure for him. The script was so bad. Their was just nothing to sink your teeth into and all the characters were two dimensional. Madsen tried to act like a hard ass but the script and direction didn't even allow him to do enough with his character to make it more interesting or 3 dimensional.

Even the sound effects of the gunfight at the beginning of the film sounded like the noise of paint ball guns when they are fired in a skirmish. It was really weird and they didn't sound like real guns. A video game had better sound effects than this film. There was also a really annoying bloke at the beginning of the film who was a member of the robbery gang. He had this American whining voice like a girl shouting lines like "Lets get the F#$k out of here" and What are we going to do man". He sounded like a girl. As a positive It was funny to watch and it made me laugh too. For a few seconds. Whoo Hoo ! Dumb Film. Poor Madsen. He will bounce back...
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Cheerleader Massacre (2003 Video)
4/10
Disappointing
21 April 2011
When Jim Wynorski first announced he would be doing a new sequel for my favorite series of all time, the "Slumber Party Massacre" series, I was ecstatic. I had been waiting for a new installment for literally years. So, production began and very small bits and pieces on the shoot and the actors involved were released until the shoot wrapped. Then, the announcement of a title change. No longer would this new sequel be titled "Slumber Party Massacre IV," but "Cheerleader Massacre" instead. I was a bit disappointed, but having a different title would be a very small price to pay for a film I had waited so long to happen. I was still extremely intrigued and on the edge of my seat to see it.

Maybe a month ago, some very advanced copies of the film were released to some extremely lucky viewers, who got to see the film months before its release date. A few reviews leaked on the net and judging by them, I began to become apprehensive on Jim Wynorski's "Cheerleader Massacre."

Tonight, I got to see the film for the first time in full length and I am still scratching my head. As I read in another review, "Cheerleader Massacre" is definitely NOT a new installment in the "Slumber Party Massacre" series, but a slasher flick all on its own. And a bad one at that.

Before I get into the specifics of the film, let me first state what an enormous fan of Jim Wynorski's films I am. I always thought him to be a true camp genius, with a winner almost every time. Yes, his movies are made on shoestring budgets and don't contain the most top-notch acting around, but they're fun nonetheless. They are what they are: campy movies you watch when you want to have a good time. From "Sorority House Massacre II," to "Hard to Die," to "Chopping Mall," Jim has produced the goods on more than one occasion. One of the reasons why I was excited that this film would be his latest project.

"Cheerleader Massacre" does not (in my opinion) reflect any of the films I had seen this director/writer create in the past. Firstly, the production was extremely inexpensive and the film was actually shot on videotape, something I had never seen Jim do before. The actors were mediocre, to say the least, and the story is almost laughable. The killer is also extremely stupid and reminds you more of your cuddly old grandpa, rather than an escaped lunatic.

Of course, the film is littered with female nudity. This is a Jim Wynorski movie we're talking about, folks. But some of the boob-shots seen here almost seem like they were done for time. There is an extremely long shower scene, containing the cheerleading coach, that seems to go on forever and it greatly reflects a shower scene in Jim's "Sorority House Massacre II." The girl even bathes herself almost in the exact same way.

"Cheerleader Massacre" is also extremely clichéd, to say the least. The opening scene is literally something we've all seen in HUNDREDS of past slasher flicks. A guy and a girl making out, on the verge of consummating their relationship when...you guessed it. They're hacked to pieces.

Brinke Stevens, who I've never really considered to be a tremendous actress in the first place, also gives one of her stiffest and forced performances in her small cameo. We're talking' possible cue cards here. She recalls some incidents her character endured by the killer seen here twenty years ago to the police, while footage of the original "Slumber Party Massacre" plays. Why was footage from the original film used if it was definitely not a new "SPM"? I have no idea. There is also two explosions seen in this movie that I am almost certain were recycled from other films.

Not only does this film recycle FOOTAGE from past films, but it also recycles the scores from other films as well. Some of the music used in "Humanoids from the Deep" (which was also recycled prior for "The Coroner") can be heard throughout the entire film. There are at least two more as well that I cannot identify, but am certain have been used before.

After sitting through this film's horrendous acting, ridiculous story, non-existent gore/special effects, and camcorder-like quality, I am having some serious concerns toward Mister Wynorski's career. Has the man who delighted audiences with films in the past finally lost his niche? Only time will tell. Oh, and let's not forget his newest film. A new installment in the "Sorority House Massacre" films, now titled "Final Exam." I think I'm seeing a pattern here...
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Raging Sharks (2005 Video)
5/10
ssssssssssssssssssssssssarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk
21 April 2011
Warning: Spoilers
I have to begin by saying that I am an avid B-movie fan, especially when it comes to sharks. I have had some good laughs at deep blue sea and Jaws 4, but rarely has a movie been so bad that it breaches (no pun intended) bad and moves to just plain annoying. I agree with a previous fan that the best part of the entire movie was the old man slowly removing his hat in sorrow. And can I ask a question? How did the main character (the one who doesn't die) get to all of the places that he shows up in in the beginning of the movie. I know that there were some major time lapses, wetsuit changes for example, but...what? It was probably just the alien tube, some wormhole door. It's good to know that now a days, when the movie running time is too short, its OK to show clips from previous parts of the movie. That's OK now. And so is showing an actor deliver the same line, but just from a different camera angle. And were all of the actors just placed in this movie because they had no lines as johnny depp's or Angelina Joli's stunt doubles? Oh and I figured out how the lady (who is without oxygen for a substantial amount of time) lives after the explosion of the lab which...gently opens that hatch door. Her lips suffice as an oxygen reserve. Who knew! It's a good thing too, because her husband took that "please secure your own mask before helping others" too an extreme. But I guess over-all the movie wasn't that bad. I mean, I'm sure I never would have thought to use the hundreds of air tanks to breath with once the oxygen ran low. I'm sure I would be too distracted by my inability to act and the symmetrical bursts of fire. I probably would also be distracted by the growling sharks. The only time is was OK for anyone to put a growling noise against a shark was at the end of Jaws when they played an old dinosaur roar for the sinking great white after it had been blown-up. I know the movie was terrible, but it could have been 100 times better (and I only say that because anything times zero is still zero)without the Sahara sound-effects. Oh, and next time they want to use computer animation for sharks, they should just give me a call. They can just use my screen saver. It would save them money, because there is no way they actually made a profit off of this movie, and they could continue on the theme of cutting and pasting footage from other movies. I also have a toy shark that squeaks. Maybe they should just use that. People who loved this movie will also love:

~Open Water II (make sure you watch it on an old TV, because will be throwing things at it) ~Shark attack 3 - Megaladon (contains one of the most amazing pick-up lines ever)

I will give it a 3. 1 for the old man on the boat. 1 for the made-up alien language. and 1 for better luck on their next film.
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Shark Swarm (2008 TV Movie)
10/10
Good because of Armand Assante
21 April 2011
I really enjoyed this one for starters,, John Schneider did a wonderful job with the material that he was given,, i was disappointed in Daryl Hannah though,, i thought that Armand Assante did a great job as the bad guy in the movie, F. Murray Abraham didn't have enough screen time in this.. the plot was great i thought,, here you have a real estate developer trying to basically buy up the whole entire fishing community, although be it very unscroupulus in his ways, dumping illegal toxins into the bay, therefore making all the fish die off , so the community goes basically bankrupt, but in the process the chemicals do something to the sharks and mess up their brain waves, turning them basically from docile,, to manhunters,, and they eventually start to swarm on the community of Full Moon Bay,, i think this was a great TV movie, and i know many of you won't agree with me,, but i just don't care.
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Spring Break Shark Attack (2005 TV Movie)
10/10
Just bad, really really bad
21 April 2011
Warning: Spoilers
Arriving in Florida for Spring Break, Danielle (Shannon Lucio) catches up with her friends at their beach house and goes off into the local Spring Break scene. Hotel owner Mary (Kathy Baker) is happy for the incoming flux of college students, as it means more revenue for the town. Her son Shane, (Kiley Smith) however, is worried about the crowds. When Danielle goes looking for her brother, Charlie, (Wayne Thornley) the two have a little chemistry. As night falls, they get a little closer at a party. The next day, her friends throw a house-party, which gives Danielle a chance to get even closer to Shane, which annoys J.T. (Justin Baldoni) as he wants Danielle also. As they go out for a day of boating, a group of sharks appears around the boat. Escaping to a small island nearby to repair the boat, they make it back and warn the authorities, at the same time as the sharks come into shore. Danielle, Shane and Charlie team up to get the sharks away from land.

The Good News: the one main thing I was impressed most about this movie is the amount of gore shown. However, don't go into this thinking that we physically see limbs being bitten off or flesh being sliced. The movie's idea of gore is seeing massive amounts of blood spread from the area around the victim. Seeing a blood cloud is not gore, but at least it was something that I could say was there. More would've been appreciated, but I can't complain. The one thing that will get people to watch this is Shannon Lucio, who they accurately billed as the main star. Not only is she attractive, but she spends half the movie in a bikini or a revealing dress. She is a good actress and pulled off the role well, and could be the only reason why people would want to watch this. In addition to Lucio, it does have a few good moments in it. The finale is a real highlight, as the sharks attack the beach with no caution and circling a floating platform picking off the divers and those who fall off is a sight to see. That fact that it looks really thought out and is on screen for a long time is nice to see.

The Bad News: This movie is made for the MTV crowd, which p***es me off to no end. That means that the film is full of pop songs from current bands, stylized camera work and tons of women in bikini's and thongs. OK, that last part isn't that bad, but it only works when it is spread liberally throughout the film, instead of in the first few minutes. A couple people can be seen in bikinis during the party scenes, but it still isn't enough. The kinetic cutting of the film's action scenes is it's biggest weakness. It follows in the school of hyper fast cuts from different angles to make the scene "more exciting" instead makes it look so confusing we have to wait until after it is over to know what is going on. It gets aggravating because you want to see the action uninterrupted, and this tactic prevents that happening. It is a tactic that should be banned from all films from no until the end of time, as it contributes to the dumbing down of our culture by making them strain at something that should be free and clear. We want to see the action uncut and uninterrupted, and this prevents that. It takes forever for the attacks to appear, as the first forty minutes are teenage melodrama, something akin to "The O.C."

The Final Verdict: This might bore and anger off hard-core horror fans, but it may serve the purpose of getting younger people into the genre. Enjoying this film may prove to be a stepping stone for younger people who may have an interest and want to get into the genre. Hard-core fans, stay farther away than a ten-foot pole from this movie.

Rated R: Graphic after-attacks of sharks, many scenes involving giant blood flows, Adult Language, a scene of attempted rape, very Brief Nudity, and scenes involving alcohol
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Malibu Shark Attack (2009 TV Movie)
10/10
meh
21 April 2011
"What I might enjoy more is video of the USA Network/SciFi execs and the 'pro' wrestlers getting eaten by a few real sharks so that we didn't have to watch them **OR** crap like this anymore."

Well, you could change the channel....

"(yes, I know sharks are really mammals)"

Actually, sharks are NOT mammals: they are fish that bear live young, in most species.

I'll be watching "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus" tonight("Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" is on opposite "Malibu Shark Attack"). Debbie Gibson AND Lorenzo Lamas? Must-watch TV!
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Frankenfish (2004 TV Movie)
4/10
better than the title made it sound
21 April 2011
To my surprise, this actually turned out to be a rather amusing B-Movie. The characters, handsome cop, brainy female scientist, unpleasant young lawyer, taciturn Vietnam vet (how many Vietnam vets in the movies are ever eloquent conversationalists?) and superstitious Voodoo lady are so much cut-out cardboard, but the actors make the best with what they have to work with. Even the fish look like they are enjoying themselves.

There is the odd witty line, some great low-key action sequences and the Frankenfish themselves are great - chewing up most of the cast with great gusto and not without some excellent black humour.

There are some genuine surprises and a couple of unexpected deaths amid the usual B-Movie clichés. There's plenty of gore and plenty of fun. Not a bad way to spend an idle hour or so.
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Supergator (2007 Video)
4/10
yet another giant animal feature of sorts
17 April 2011
Warning: Spoilers
Supergator is set in Hawaii where a group of vulcanologist's are studying a volcano near a holiday resort, they think it might be about to blow. Professor Scott Kinney (Brad Johnson), one of his senior graduates Ryan Houston (Josn Kelly) are sent in to liaise with resident volcano watchers Max (Dave Ruskjer) & his assistant Alexandra Stevens (Mary Alexander Stiefvater) & compare notes, the sort of things vulcanologist's do. They decide to set some seismograph's up near the base of the volcano to measure it's activity, the group set off but hadn't counted on there being a 30 foot genetically created 'supergator' that kills & eats anyone it comes across & it's heading straight for the holiday resort where it has plenty of tasty humans to pick from...

King of the rip-off cheapies Roger Corman strikes again, this straight- to-video Sci Fi Channel creature feature was executive produced by Corman while it was co-written & directed by Brian Clyde & isn't anything particularly special although it passes the time harmlessly enough if you don't expect too much. The script by Clyde, Frances Doel & Jeffrey Sturges is pretty clichéd & very standard for this type of film, basically there's some form of huge man eating monster/creature running around eating the less important members of the cast & when all said & done that's all there is to Supergator really. The film moves along at a reasonable pace, I certainly wouldn't call it slow or boring & there are a few unintentionally funny moments. I must also congratulate the makers for such a high body count & surprisingly a lot of the cast die even some I was expecting to make it. The reason behind the supergator itself is your standard 'genetic experiment gone horribly wrong' type scenario, you know I was sitting there watching this & I was thinking to myself why would a bunch of scientists create a huge prehistoric alligator? It just doesn't make any sense to me, what were they hoping to prove or find out that they couldn't achieve by genetically creating a docile, plant eating dinosaur that could have been easily controlled & relied on not to eat every person it came across? I don't know, then again maybe I'm just thinking about this too much. If you like cheesy creature features then Supergator isn't all that bad but it's nothing new or special.

Director Clyde doesn't do much to liven things up, some of the scenery is quite nice but the direction & the set-ups aren't that great. It seems just about every tourist on Hawaii is traipsing through this particularly patch of forest where the supergator lives, there are random people like models, dope heads, fishermen, lovers, waterfall watchers, random guy's driving jeeps & vulcanologist's walking around. The gore is disappointing, there is one severed body part, someone is decapitated otherwise there are just quick shots of people covered in fake blood. The CGI computer effects are poor, the supergator itself looks OK but it isn't animated that well & every time it attacks someone a fake puppet head & jaws are used & there are close-ups of it's blood stained mouth & teeth yet when the film switches back to the CGI supergator it's mouth & teeth are perfectly clean. What does it do? Whip out a handkerchief & wipe itself? There is also a fair amount of CGI blood which looks pretty fake, almost like a solid red cloud.

With a supposed budget of about $250,000 this was pretty damned low budget & in a way they did OK with the meagre amount they had but it's still not a very good film. Actually shot on location in Hawaii apparently. The acting isn't anything particularly memorable. Kelly McGillis of Top Gun (1986) fame plays a scientist & gets eaten.

Supergator is an OK time waster & that's being kind to it, it didn't impress me that much but it kept me relatively quiet for 100 odd minutes. I've definitely seen better but then again I've definitely seen worse.
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Taken (I) (2008)
10/10
Fantastic film, loved it, best film of 2008
17 April 2011
Liam Neeson was great in this movie. At times I was reminded of John McClane and Jason Bourne characters, but with more seriousness & focus. As happens with many films of this genre, you have to suspend your belief somewhat as this quasi-superhero appears bulletproof!

Some intermittent subtitles could have fleshed out the bad guys characters a little, making them less one dimensional without detracting from the suspense, while keeping the audience in the loop.

A miscast Maggie Grace tried to downplay her age without success. Watching her run was reminiscent of a baby giraffe taking it's first steps. There are many younger actresses out there who can play the ingénue more convincingly.

The violence can be gruesome and the sex-trade scenes sickening. But overall, this movie delivers and is well worth watching.
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Komodo vs. Cobra (2005 TV Movie)
10/10
Lord help us all
16 April 2011
Another laughably lame and senseless low-budget sci-fi TV presentation… but actually its kind of amusing… kind of… in a passably undemanding way. Am I being soft? I don't know why they come up with these titles. Yes there's a komodo. And yes there's a cobra. However what's the deal with 'versus' in between? Sure they do come to blows… in only two sequences (one recapping an incident and the other being the dodgy climax) and quite boring exchanges I might add. The get-up is the same old routine of a scientific experiment getting out of hand on a secluded island (no dinosaurs about), and some innocent bystanders (environmentalists hoping to expose animal testing) getting caught up in it. This sees a komodo dragon and cobra becoming massive in statue with the government soon wanting to destroy any sort of the evidence (including witnesses) of its existence by blowing up the island. So this leaves the survivors racing against time to find a way off. The prominent staples existed of awful video game CGI, hack script, few dingy sets (although the tropical island setting was easy on the eyes), throwaway characters (but I found the performances faired up), lifelessly tacky thrills (which for some reason kept using the same repetitive shot of the victim just standing there in terror… which implied I'm waiting, please eat me now, I'm not going anywhere and eventually they were swallowed whole… well almost as it seemed to always take a second gulp to finish them off or just save the hassle by stupidly squashing them) and a very hysterical edge with some sort of wretch message amongst the acts of survival. Director Jim Wynorski seems to be on cruise control throughout. Michael Paré has fun with his gruff dialogues and Michelle Borth added much needed sparks. Renee Talbert is there to pout a lot, quite successfully too.
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Ice Spiders (2007 TV Movie)
10/10
I hate spiders so much
16 April 2011
Ice Spiders is set in the Lost Mountain skiing resort in Logan County in Utah where hotshot skier Dan 'Dash' Dashiell (Patrick Muldoon) works as a ski instructor, local ranger Rick Dickerson (K. Danor Gerald) ask's Dash for help in searching for two missing hunter's on a nearby mountain range which Dash dutifully agrees to. They find one of the hunters dead, horribly mutilated & the other cocooned in what looks like Spider's silk. Then they are attacked a giant genetically created Spider that has escaped from a nearby Government laboratory, with six deadly giant Spider's on the loose in total no-one is safe as it's up to ex-marine & all round hero Dash to go way beyond the call of duty to save the day...

Directed by Tibor Takács this is yet another 'Creature Feature' Sci-Fi Channel original that is far from original & is pretty standard stuff from start to finish. The script features everything any seasoned 'Creature Feature' lover would expect, there's the young teenage cast, the all American hero who has to overcome some sort of fear to save the day, genetically created creatures of some sort developed for military purposes, bad CGI computer effects, an isolated location for the Spider's to attack & the human cast to get stuck in, a corrupt scientist who only cares about the experiment & not human life, a military presence & of course a love interest for the lead hero. It's all here in abundance. Ice Spiders is far from the worst of it's kind that I have seen, it's still not a particularly good film by any stretch of the imagination but I did enjoy it to a certain extent more than I thought I would. The pace is good & from the opening Spider attack scene right through to the end the film never slows down & I can't say I was bored although what I was more than aware that what I was watching was still pretty average stuff. The character's are alright & aren't as annoying as usual, the plot is fairly standard stuff & it's clear not much thought went into other than to hang the basic 'genetically creature giant creature on the loose' plot around & there's a few amusing scenes here if your in the right mood I suppose. The dialogue is of often unintentionally funny & the film doesn't seem to take itself too seriously & while I would hesitate to describe Ice Spiders as a good film I certainly don't think it's a terrible one either.

There is no build up to the revelation of the Spider's in Ice Spiders & one is seen in it's full CGI glory within the first three minutes, the cheap looking CGI computer effects range from the strictly average to the absolutely awful. There's no real build up of tension to any of the attack scenes either so the film lacks any scares or any atmosphere & the entire thing takes place during the day which makes things easy to see but setting a horror film about giant Spider's in broad daylight cuts down the options for suspense sequences & as such the film lacks any. There's some minor gore here, someone is seen ripped in half, there are a few mutilated bodies, some blood splatter & some mutilated animal bodies too.

With a supposed budget of about $2,000,000 the production values are alright, the mountain wilderness scenery is nice enough to look at & poor CGI computer effects apart it's reasonably well made. The acting is mostly poor from people who look like they don't want to be there, Patrick Muldoon in particular looks to be putting zero effort into things. Even though Vanessa Williams was forty three when she shot Ice Spiders she looks about nineteen in it.

Ice Spiders is a slightly better than usual Sci-Fi Channel 'Creature Feature' although that in itself isn't saying much & is certainly no recommendation. Not bad for it's type but since it's type is usually so awful it's still nothing worth busting a gut to see.
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Blood Surf (2000 Video)
10/10
Stink
16 April 2011
If you're looking for a new film franchise to rival the likes of Jaws and Predator, then keep looking. This ain't gonna win an Oscar. But that doesn't mean it's bad. The story is of a film crew shooting surfers, eh, surfing with sharks. What they don't know is that a dirty big Croc is also under the sea.

The actors are all unknown to me, but they are all actually pretty good. The 2 surf bum main characters especially could have their own show. But the real star is the Croc. Probably some of the worst special effects I've yet seen, though the head and jaws looked cool when it was on land.

As always with a low budget horror film, there's a couple of topless scenes, couple of sex scenes and plenty of tight tops and cleavage. Which is no bad thing in my book.

I won't ruin the ending, but I nearly cried it was so funny.

To sum up, stone cold sober analysis of this flick won't reveal it to be a Citizen Kane, but then that isn't what the film is trying to achieve. With a 6 pack in you though, it's highly enjoyable. - 4/5
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Maneater (2007 TV Movie)
10/10
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
16 April 2011
Warning: Spoilers
In the Appalachian Mountains, Sheriff Grady Barnes, (Gary Busey) is inundated with a plethora of calls about missing people, and after finding the remains of one of them, it's decided that a wild animal is responsible. After another attack produces some evidence, they point to a Bengal Tiger as the culprit, and announcing it to the press, Mayor Earl Hunt, (Blake Taylor) is irate over it being leaked. When the National Guard is called in, Sargent Winshiser, (Aleks Paunovic) comes in to take charge of the situation only to have no success with hunting it down either. Esteemed hunter Colonel Graham, (Ian D. Clark) hearing of the rampage, offers his expert help with the animal, and soon makes a remarkable discovery about the creature. Using this to his advantage, he tries to take it down before it kills more townspeople.

The Good News: This here was a pretty pleasant surprise. This is especially important in that it's the first time that the Sci-Fi Channel's original films doesn't have a negative mark against it for it's creature. This one's got an actual creature that's not CGI, and that itself is a huge plus, since it eliminates most of their flaws right from the start. That it's seen rarely also works for it as well, as featuring it throughout the film would've lessened it's impact. The fact that it's also a really vicious creature helps, as it's got some really great gore in here. It's all in the mutilation and severing of limbs, half-eaten body parts and finding of devoured parts, as most of it is off-screen and the showing of what it did to them results in all the gore. They all look quite good and messy, with a partially eaten skull, including down to the bone in certain areas, and a lower-half of a body found being the big ones here. There's even some nice action in the film, as it's got some great moments in the second half. The involvement of the armed troops livens it up substantially, as it gets some great stalking going on with the creature in the jungle, and it's certainly suspenseful enough. That also helps to get the film going, as there's some nice kills and stalking, provided by flashback where it goes on the rampage that gets in on-screen kills as well as putting some life into it. That is one of the film's best qualities, and helps to make it really watchable.

The Bad News: There really isn't a whole lot wrong with this one. Perhaps the most grievous one is that there's way too much time spent on the subplot with the kid. It's clichéd to start with, having the ignorant kid believe that the outside force is actually friendly despite everyone in town knowing otherwise, yet the fact that it comes to play here and takes up the majority of the second half means that it gets a lot of time. It's incredibly irritating to have to be forced through these scenes since they're quite obviously based on the mentality rather than anything else, and it really makes it a struggle at times. These here make it the hardest part to get through, as well as it's other noticeable flaw. That is the film's annoying habit of cutting away from the gore scenes and instead showing the aftermath. Very rarely is the actual viciousness of the attacks displayed, but rather the attack occurs where it's impossible to determine what happened or just off- screen entirely. That it leaves the others mainly done in flashback at least offers up some, but most is still off camera, and is also something that can harm the film.

The Final Verdict: Without a whole lot of real problems, this is a really nice and enjoyable entry for those who go for this kind of film. Recommended to those who have a particular like for the Sci-Fi Channel Creature Features or those in general, while those who aren't won't really find much new with this one.
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10/10
had its moments
16 April 2011
I know what budget constraints these guys had in doing this film, and to see the end product, Ace Cruz and Pauly D really pulled it off.

Who doesn't want $100 mil to put a movie together- but when you are a film maker with a script, and a passion to tell the world about your message, you do what you can do with the resources that you have.

I don't know how they were able to get Michael Madsen and the other well known names with the budget that they had, but they did it and their parts played out well.

The scenes were varied and vibrant- it was neat for me to see the mountains and they played right into the story line.

The message I got from the movie was that it's OK to let go of one's fear and anger, and I witnessed the transformation of several characters along the way.

Neat movie, great actors, beautiful backdrop, and a nostalgic ode to Rabun County, Georgia. Good job guys !!!
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