4 Reviews
Sort by:
Filter by Rating:
So much wasted potential for this trilogy
8 January 2015
To start, I rarely write reviews for films anymore. I see them, I feel what I feel for them and then I move on. However, after seeing this film last night, I had the urge to write this. I don't even know where to begin. Perhaps that I would say this is far and away the worst movie to take place in Middle Earth by PJ. So many baffling decisions that I can't understand where they could come from. In no particular order

1) The Dragon Sickness: The first time we see Thorin, we can see that something is wrong. He looks dazed, he's overly irritable. He's got...dragon sickness! What? The gold is cursed? Since when? Yes, his grandfather went mad with greed and an obsession for gold, but that was shown to happen over a long period of time, and not until after the Arkenstone was found. Why does it happen RIGHT AWAY to Thorin? Also, as soon as he uttered the word "false" I lost it. So you're telling me the gold has the same effects of the one ring? Give me a break

2) Dain and the dwarf army: So you cast a great, very recognizable actor in Billy Connolly to play Dain, a dwarf lord. Great! That sounds awesome! I can't wait to see what they...wait, is he cgi? They had to cgi a dwarf lord ala Robert Zemeckis? WHAT THE*#*#! Are you serious? Could you not get him on location? THEN CAST ANOTHER ACTOR! That may have been the worst abuse of cgi in a trilogy already over run with unnecessary cgi. And let's make the entire dwarf army look like we just hit copy followed by paste. Wow.

3) Randomness: Thorin, Kili, Fili, and Dwalin need to get to the top of that mountain to stop Azog, The Generic. Good thing these rams that have never been seen before in the entirety of the trilogy just happen to be right in front of us in the middle of a battlefield. Bilbo and Balin are talking as Bilbo says goodbye to all of his remaining dwarf friends (like Dwalin (who he hasn't actually spoken to since the first film), Bofur, Gloin, and...umm...who knows and who cares really?) and he shares a laugh with them. All of a sudden, we have a close up of a laughing Gandalf, who until that time I had no idea he was even in the scene! MAGIC! The Were-Worms (Were actually means "man" worms?). Hey, check out this awesome tunneling worms! What's that, you've never heard of/seen them before? Well...SHUTUP! Hey guys, remember that half man, half bear guy that we introduced in the beginning of DOS and has a total of 2 minutes of screen time? The eagles are going to air drop him in! You guys should totally cheer, because he's a character we all love right? RIGHT?! Don't worry about his fate, we won't show him ever again after that.

4) Legolas: Do I even need to point out how stupid his character is in this film? Woof

There are more than this (like the monsters that look like Abe Vigoda in that snickers commercial), but I'll run out of space. The worst part about this film, and trilogy in general, is that I can see the potential for this being absolutely stunning. There are scenes where Jackson reminds you how amazing these films could have been, but they are far outnumbered by this Lucas version of Middle Earth. Just a sad, disappointing film and trilogy.
5 out of 8 found this helpful. Was this review helpful?
Report this | Copied to clipboardCopy link
The Covenant (2006)
5 September 2008
This is a reason why teenage girls should not be allowed to write movie reviews. Almost every review of this film has been "OMG this movie is sooooooooooo good! Just look at all the hot guys!". Sorry girls, thats not what makes a good movie. The acting in this movie is ATROCIOUS to the umpteenth power. The writing was poor, the directing was horrible. How Renny Harlin still gets work is unbelievable to me. I think this is proof that just because you look good doesn't mean you have any talent, and this movie oozes lack of talent.

If you sincerley think that the actors in this movie were good, the writing was good, or anything about the movie was good outside of the basic premise then stop watching movie althogether, because you have no idea of what good is. Please stop writing reviews about all the hot guys, thank you.
2 out of 4 found this helpful. Was this review helpful?
Report this | Copied to clipboardCopy link
Not the least bit
28 August 2008
I am writing this in hopes that this gets put over the previous review of this "film". How anyone can find this slop entertaining is completely beyond me. First of all a spoof film entitled "Disaster Movie", should indeed be a spoof on disaster films. Now I have seen 1 (yes count them, 1) disaster film being spoofed, that being "Twister". How does Juno, Iron Man, Batman, The Hulk, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Amy Winehouse, or Hancock register as Disaster films? Selzterwater and Failburg once again have shown that they lack any sort of writing skill and humor. Having unfortunately been tortured with Date Movie and Epic Movie I know exactly what to expect from these plot, no jokes just bad references and cheaply remade scenes from other films. Someone should have informed them that satire is more than just copy and paste from one film to another, though I shouldn't say that because some of these actually just seem to be taken from trailers.

There is nothing clever or witty or remotely smart about the way these two write, and I can't believe that some people still pay to see these travesties. It's an insult to the audience, though if they enjoy these films I doubt that they are smart enough to realize that.

Rating: Unfortunately there is not a number low enough (yes this includes negatives) to rate this. This deserves to be in the top 5 worst films of all time, right there with Date Movie, Epic Faliure...I mean movie, and Meet the Spartans. I would rather be forced into a 24 hour "Manos: The Hands of Fate" marathon than watch this slop.
589 out of 667 found this helpful. Was this review helpful?
Report this | Copied to clipboardCopy link
Epic Movie (2007)
Why? Just why?
18 August 2008
Warning: Spoilers
Just to start the fact that this movie has 2.2 out of 10 stars really is just painful to see. If I could rate this a zero I would have. I was forced into this by my now defunct ex g/f. After both of us witnessing the travesty that was Date Movie, I had thought she learned her lesson about these...abominations. But then she came home one day with Epic Movie. Out of the 6 people I was the only one to stay awake, and that was just because of sheer anger. I watched this film with the questions "How?", "Why", and "Did I die and go to hell?" running through my mind. At no point was this movie humorous in the least. If I had to listen to that Albino monk screech one more time I was going to drop the the TV and myself into the bath tub.

I try not to be judgmental, but I think the "2 of the 6 writers from Scary Movie" are actually just conducting a worldwide survey that works as follows: If you see the movie, your a moron. If you don't, your free to live. The only way to stop this movie from being made is to have execution squads waiting at the exits of the theater to eliminate the sad excuse of human beings who find this crap enjoyable.

P.S. If you do like this movie...may God have mercy on your soul, though don't blame him if he doesn't.
3 out of 3 found this helpful. Was this review helpful?
Report this | Copied to clipboardCopy link