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The Love Boat: Ace Takes a Holiday/The Runaway/Courier (1985)
Japanese Night
'It's Japanese Night in the Coral Dining Room.' Women really had hideous hair in the 1980s. Ace is after Lisa Baxter (but maybe not her hair.) Peter Mark Richman was in Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan. Peter and Mark are looking for their daughter. Her name is Sandy. She's not happy with her stepfather. Michelle Johnson is back. I'm not sure what her official job is. They've got her in baggy sweaters, maybe so that we'll take her seriously. Arnold Devlin is an international courier. He's flummoxed by beautiful Charlene Tilton. Well, that's understandable They've given Arnold a silly voiceover narration. We've got some nice sunset shots of the ship now. Very cozy. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: Scandinavia Cruise: Girl of the Midnight Sun/There'll Be Some Changes Made/Too Many Isaacs/Mr. Smith Goes to Stockholm: Part 2 (1985)
The One with the Robot Bartender (Part 2)
'I'm taking this horse out of here.' Okay. Janet Jackson is helping Telly Savalas sabotage the Love Boat using a robot copy of Issac, our chief Bartender. That's only a background to the real story: the search for the perfect bikini model. I knew there was a reason I loved this show. Meanwhile Priscilla Barnes is better watched on mute. Oh I love you, Pris. There's a comical scene where she goes skinny dipping with Gopher. That's a new one for this show. Jack is considering a nose job, but his gal thinks he's considering becoming, uh, less than a man. Wacky! You know, if it wasn't for misunderstanding, we wouldn't have any understanding at all. The fjords really are pretty this time of year. On Kafka's Love Boat scale, this double-length episode gets 3 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: Scandinavia Cruise: Girl of the Midnight Sun/There'll Be Some Changes Made/Too Many Isaacs/Mr. Smith Goes to Stockholm: Part 1 (1985)
The Nose Job Cruise, Part 1
"Quack, quack, boom, boom." It's a double-length travel episode. Well, it's been a while. Oh goodness. What is this madness? Glorious, silly madness! Telly "Blofeld" Savalas has created a robot Issac in order to execute his evil plan. James Bond has no chance against a cyborg bartender. I love the big map that shows us the travel plan. I'm glad they made time for the fjords. They're taking the Royal Viking Sky again. Priscilla Barnes is back - with her ridiculous accent. She sounds like the Swedish chef. Gopher immediately falls for her. Janet Jackson has eyes for Isaac. An executive is here to do a campaign for his suntan lotion. Christopher Norris is here, also doing a bad accent. Jack Klugman is expecting his hot young thing. She doesn't show up. Jack is sensitive about his honker. He's thinking about getting a schnoz job. Too bad, it's a beauty. I've always thought Barnes was pretty funny. This one's off to a good start. See you for part two.
The Love Boat: Love on the Line/Don't Call Me Gopher/Her Honor, the Mayor (1985)
Caesar Gopher Rex
'Well, I don't really understand what a Purser does." I'm eight seasons in, and I don't get it either. Caesar Romero is all business. She keeps bumping into a mystery woman. Who is she? She may be an angel or a mermaid. You never know. Gopher's gal is here. She's an advertising executive. He doesn't his buddies to use his nickname. Shelly is a Mayor. Well, anyone can be a Mayor. I could be a Mayor (if I wanted to be.) She runs into the man she's just defeated. Wacky! Now her campaign manager and her defeated opponent are fighting over her hand. To be fair, it's a pretty nice hand. Serious Gopher is no good at all. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: Ace Takes the Test/The Counterfeit Couple/The Odd Triple (1985)
Crystal Clear
America's Sweetheart Crystal Bernard wears the smallest bikini. God Bless America. Gopher is after her. Crystal's mom is worried that she's not over her divorce yet. Maybe Gopher will change his mind. Teresa has brought her lunkhead man on board to test old beau Ace. What do they actually want? Lyle and Barbara are posing as newlyweds. Will they be able to get away with it? Maybe they'll fall in love? Gopher is pushy and unpleasant here. I don't care for this Gopher. How does Ace keep his towel on? It must be the abs. $86 for a wedding cake? I'll stay single. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: Ace Meets the Champ/Why Justin Can't Read/Call Me a Doctor (1984)
Stupid Justin
'Princeton doesn't have a medical school.' Well, we learn something every day on this program. Dick Butus is the, uh, champ. Ace's old gal is taking Butkus to a charity boxing match. Maybe Ace can fight the Champ to impress her. Goodbye, Ace! (I like that little snippet of Rocky music.) Isaac has written a poem for the fight. Doris Roberts is here to find her daughter a man. She spots a doctor. He might do. Except that he's not really a doctor. Maybe Doris should get her daughter to wear a swimsuit from the 20th century. Dad has hired Ms. Foster to be young Justin's tutor. Why can't Justin read? I blame Captain Kangaroo. Dad is a pretty serious guy. Chill out, dad. I think I saw this movie. It was called "My Tutor." Ms. Foster makes a formal diagnosis after five seconds. Justin is an idiot. Don't worry. He's got a future in Washington. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: Instinct/Unmade for Each Other/BOS (1985)
The Bain of My Existence
"You're not exactly Bo Derek yourself." Berlinda is into self-help philosophy. I mean, she's using all kind of big words. The guys are into her. Guys love crazy. Isaac's certainly taken with her new novel way of life. Maybe complete honesty doesn't really work. Conrad Bain's computer dating service goofed and matched him with Vic Tayback. Oops. But there's Janet Leigh. That's a better match. Irene is missing her man. There's a big box. What do you think it's in it? Later, her country brain is melted by an extended metaphor about turtles. Leigh and Bain were in a Season 2 episode together, but here they're playing different characters. Leigh seems especially bored here. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: Country Blues/A Matter of Taste/Frat Brothers Forever (1984)
Brokeback Overboard
'The Heartbeat of Amigo Country.' Bad country accents are a bit of a tradition here on the Pacific Princess. Leah Ayres is after country singer Billy Boy. She's wearing the smallest swim suit I've ever seen. Holy cow, I'm glad I'm a man. A pair of interior designers are competing for a contract. It's quite a cat fight. Which lady will win? Doc's old college buddy is here. Doc's ready to arrange some dates for them. The guy is with his 'cousin.' You know where this is going. It was inevitable that The Love Boat would hit an iceberg. Ugh, the show drags out the freaking obvious. Let's right our course and get things going into 1985. Maybe the next episode will have Michelle Johnson in a bikini. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: Paying the Piper/Baby Sister/Help Wanted (1984)
Kim!
'I specialize in beautiful sisters.' Rue and Hubby are celebrating their anniversary. He's in the button business. She's got a surprise for her husband. What she really wants is for him to loosen up the purse strings. She's absolutely insufferable. He should trade her in for a newer model. Dana Plato and her sister are here. She's immediately descended upon by a wild Brady kid. Sister is a little protective. There's probably a reason she's wary of men, and it's probably sad. Surprise! Michelle Johnson is here to be an intern. She towers over Gopher. Will it work out? If you've never seen Beaks: The Movie, I highly recommend you run out to the video store and rent a copy. Michelle Johnson was the Sydney Sweeney of 1984. She'll make a few more appearances as this character. Dana Plato is no Colleen Dewhurst. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: My Mother, My Chaperone/The Present/The Death and Life of Sir Albert Demerest/Welcome Aboard: Part 2 (1984)
Matthew Star (Sets Sail)
'I was your birthday present, but I wish you were mine,' 10 Minutes? You're being optimistic, mom. Will Judy and hubby get back together? I think love troubles are a curse in the McCoy family. Maybe she'd have better luck with Mark Harmon. Now Vicki is getting in here with trivia facts. Loretta's man can't get way from the working girl. Wow, now Trevor Howard, along with Colleen Dewhurst, is bringing some real acting class to this show. What happened to my silly program? Matthew Star is disappointed to see his dad doing a commercial. You have to pay the bills, Bart. I just read where the blade fell off the windmill at the Moulin Rouge. Thankfully, it's intact here. I'm going to rate this travel episode a little higher than my usual. Why? Because it's Tuesday. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this double-length episode gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: My Mother, My Chaperone/The Present/The Death and Life of Sir Albert Demerest/Welcome Aboard: Part 1 (1984)
A Sail of Two Cities
"A Sail of Two Cities." Oh har har. We're starting in a restaurant in Los Angeles, where the crew is having dinner. The Captain has brought them to announce that they're going to Europe again. This time it'll be Paris and London. Colleen has brought her son on the ship. Only she won't tell him why. Son wants to be an actor. Loretta Swit is back from the very first season. She looks, uh, different. She accuses her husband of having a 'roving eye.' Judy has eyes for hunky Marc Singer. It turns out - he's her ex-husband. Marc is eager to get back with her. A famous novelist employs her daughter to answer fan letters. She's got eyes for a man. He's a restorer of art. Peter Barton is famous for hurting himself on film sets. That's quite a head of hair that he's got. I mean, Colleen Dewhurt was in Annie Hall. Her acting here is really some of the best we've ever gotten on the show. Of course, I don't watch The Love Boat for fine, nuanced acting. See you in part 2.
The Love Boat: By Hook or by Crook/Revenge with the Proper Stranger/Don't Get Mad, Get Even (1984)
Someday Your Prints Will Come
'Whatever happened to the little girl with chicken pox?' Doc's first patient is here, with her husband. She declares her intention to have an affair. Golly! Consumer advocate Marvin Cooperman is here. Marvin needs to relax a little bit. His wife is offered a job. Marvin thinks she should remain a housewife. Fight for it, Marvin. Even after humbling himself, Marvin still has to eat dirt. Ladies man Ken intends to take a relaxing cruise - without men. Patrick Wayne chats up Judy - or tries to. She's still sad about her divorce. Get over it, Judy. I mean. Patrick Wayne is quite a catch. Gopher thinks he recognizes old Pat. Who is he exactly? Ace has funny shirts. In another life, I would have been a bass player on a cruise ship. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 3* out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: The Last Heist/Starting Over/Watching the Master (1984)
Thief of Hearts
"I love rolls." I wish I could frolic on the beach. Instead I'm forced to toil in the mines. We're getting fancy with crane shots to introduce shots now. Doc is ready to romance Delta Burke. William Christopher, about to marry Doc's ex, is here to study Doc and learn what makes him such a great lover. You know he's going to get in the way of Doc's smooth moves. Judy's friend Beth is here. She's going through a divorce. Wouldn't you know it? She's got a secret! Beth is not interested in romance just yet (or is she?) Patrick Macnee is here with his niece Julia Duffy. She's a future lawyer. He's a jewel thief. Abby Dalton looks like Juliet Prowse. This one is completely without much in the way of interest. It gets all . . . Serious (no one wants that.) Delta isn't as much fun as last time. It's quite a comedown after Hurricane Charo. I like Isaac's Gondola Captain outfit. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale this episode gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: Aerobic April/The Wager/Story of the Century (1984)
Whammo Charo
'May I make a merger proposal?' Her name is DeeDee Lewis. Uh, huh. April is leading an aerobics class. That's good for ratings. Jiggle television is alive - even in 1984. Gordon Jump is after her. Charo might be a little out of your league there, Gordo. April sings Footloose. Ralph Bellamy is a reporter. He's on the trail of Sara Webster. He says she's a ghost, and he has to see what's inside her trunk. Who is she really? I love a mystery. Two brothers are here. One is more interested in love, the other in money. Anne has a business deal for them. Our lover has no interest. I still like Charo. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: And One to Grow On/Seems Like Old Times/I'll Never Forget What's Her Name (1984)
An Unforgettable Episode (Sorry)
"Everything here has been a lie." I feel that way most of the time. It's Vicki's 18th birthday. Can they keep their surprise plans a surprise? Vicki gets drunk. A drunk Vicki is not something you want to miss! Then Captin Stubing gets angry. You won't see that very often. Thanks for the Happy Birthday, dad. There's something Vicki doesn't know. Arthur Smalley has amnesia. Morgan Brittany is trying to jog his memory. Alex Rocco is a detective hoping to reunite Joan with her old lover, Robert Reed. Actually, Alex is in love with Joan. Surprise! I do enjoy the way that amnesia works in movies. There are things I'd sure like to forget! On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 1/2 * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: Soap Gets in Your Eyes/A Match Made in Heaven/Tugs of the Heart (1984)
Dash Dash Dot (G for Galahad)
"Leslie, we are warmed by your glow." I would not want soap in my eyes. That would hurt. My brother squirted lemon juice in my eyes once. I cut his brake lines. That's a joke, of course. Gopher's old girlfriend is here. She's a big fan of Victorian swimwear. She has a surprise. I prefer the silly Gopher, but Fred Grandy is pretty good here. Bill Macy has a guardian angel. The angel says he's got to do something for someone else, or he can't get into Heaven. Who knew Heaven was so transactional? Juliet Mills is a neighbor of Captain Stubing. She wants our dead man. What sacrifice can he make for her? A famous soap actor connects with Melanie, but her mother is overly protective. She thinks he's actually the character he plays on television. I'm thinking about bringing back the expression 'Holy Toledo.' I know Nedra Volz from her appearances on The Hollywood Squares / Match Game Hour. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: Only the Good Die Young/Honey Beats the Odds/The Light of Another Day (1984)
Honey & Milk Mustaches
'What am I supposed to do while you two are out plucking pigeons?' Webster and his mom and here. They're Isaac's friends. Webster's dad has just died. Aww! Webster has a (milk) mustache - just like Isaac! You'll positively die with cuteness overload when Webster says his prayers. Then Isaac says the wrong thing, and Webster misunderstands, and uh oh. Your cute little boy is a terror. I mean, I like I enjoy seeing Webster go berzerk a little too much. Maybe I have a problem. A pair of suspicious Italians are here with their dame, Honey Malloy. What are they up to? Honey hits it off with Jack Riley, just to get away from her colleagues. But Jack has a a a secret. A blind girl, Millie, is reunited with an old friend Vernee Watson could played Oyvile Oil. Our new Cruise Director isn't doing much. The blind girl is talking about dreams. I dreamt about picking up popcorn last night. Write in and tell me what it means. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: Vicki and the Fugitive/Lady in the Window/Stolen Years/Dutch Treat: Part 2 (1984)
That's Why the Lady is a Tramp
I have to get up in the morning and go to work. Forget work. There's more The Love Boat to watch. We're on the Royal Viking Sky. Enjoy the windmills. George proposes to Cloris. She knows that he used to be Tim Robbins. Only he doesn't know that she knows that he used to be Tim Robbins. We learn the truth about what really happened way back when. Cloris is really going for it. Our mystery man is on the run. Who is he? Pat just can't make it work with his two women. Inga wants to call it off with Captain Stubing. What exactly does Inga do for a living? Oh, Inga! Enjoy the slap haggling for cheese. (I saw a Mondo movie about that once.) On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this double-length episode gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: Vicki and the Fugitive/Lady in the Window/Stolen Years/Dutch Treat: Part 1 (1984)
His Wife Lets Have Him a Girlfriend (What Could Go Wrong?)
'We try to be inventive in our physical relationship.' It's a European cruise. Cloris Leachman takes one look at 'Fellow Dane' George Kennedy and gets out of there. Do they know each other? Maybe she saw Airport 79. Why is Cloris having World War 2 fantasies about Tim Robbins? (We've all been there.) Vicki is after the deckhand. Hey, he's a little old for you, Vicki. Ms. Van Dam needs her earring. Captain Stubing is more interested in her than her earring. He tells her that once did needlepoint when he quit smoking. 'If you're looking for a way to keep your hands busy, I suggest you take up needlepoint again.' Teri Copely is Pat Harrington's mistress. (Really???) His wife Helen is here too. The women have decided to share him. Wacky! See you elsewhere in Europe for the second half of this once united now divided episode.
The Love Boat: The Crew's Cruise Director/What a Drag/Doc's Slump (1984)
A Duke, A Ladd, and Two Berts
'Say, where's Julie?' What happened to the opening credits? What happened to the picture quality? It's a new era. Change is the only constant of life, as they say. Diane Ladd is the new cruise director, and she's mean, brother. Ladd is a ton of fun. It's a Ladie's Only Cruise to Alaska. They're competing for a date with Englebert Humperdinck. Bert Convy and Arte Johnson sneak in dressed as women. Did I accidentally order another season of Bosom Buddies? (Yes. Yes, I did.) Michelle Phillips is here as Doc's squeeze. She's fed up with Doc's extra, uh, 'patients.' Here's Julie's sister, Judy. She'll do. Patty Duke is the organizer of the cruise. She's married to Bert. Pajama Party! The Alaska footage is all b-roll, which feels like a cheap way to go for a season premiere. If it wasn't obvious by now, The Love Boat is, in its 8th season, mostly recycling the same guest stars. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this 90 minute episode gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: Best Ex-Friends/All the Congressman's Women/Three Faces of Love (1984)
Your Mission: Eliminate Nepotism
'It's hard to complain when you're drooling.' Ted Lange directs! You know the real reason Tori Spelling stories clog my timeline is because dad Aaron pushed her onto the Love Boat, thus condemning us all to an existence of endless gossip about his little girl? Actually, this is her second appearance. She plays the daughter of a politician. He's here with new campaign manager and future wife Phyllis Davis. Dad is receiving death threats. Phyllis borrows some scissors. Is she the one sending the threats? Isaac has hired a new bar maid, Tina. She'd rather romance than work. At this point, I do hate seeing Gopher and Isaac fight. Wendell is jealous of Suzie when she talks to other men. He's freaking IMF Agent Ethan Hunt with those masks. Wow! Burt Reynolds! Phyllis Davis is finally acting her age, and that's a shame. This one really didn't do much for me. See you in Year 8. I think we're in for changes. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: Dreamboat/Gopher, Isaac & the Starlet/The Parents/The Importance of Being Johnny/Julie and the Producer: Part 2 (1984)
Will July Jilt Julie Jones?
I'll say it once again: Bernie Koppel is too cool, even doing this nonsense. I do like David Lander. Go watch On the Air immediately. Juliet Prowse isn't that pretty to me, and her hair is terrible, but I can't argue with her body. Wow. Will Julie marry Dean Jones? Then her name would be Julie Jones. Does Dean know how much mileage is on the car that he's buying? Julie is a modern liberated woman, who will die lonely and childless. Oh well. Dean kind of has that Jimmy Stewart cadence going. At the end, the crew goes off to the studio to see the end of filming. Wow! Linda Evans! John Forsythe! Ernest Borgnine! It's a mockup of the cruise ship mockup we see every week. Confusing. Let's move on. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 * out of a possible 4*.
The Love Boat: Dreamboat/Gopher, Isaac & the Starlet/The Parents/The Importance of Being Johnny/Julie and the Producer: Part 1 (1984)
They Found another Osmond, so Here It Is
Oh boy. A double-length musical episode. Here we go. We're at least spared Carol Channing this time. They're making a movie on the ship. Frankly, it's a level of meta coming out of my ears. Dean Jones is the brother of Julie's old flame, Tony Roberts. Wait, Tony Roberts looks nothing like Dean Jones. (Try not to think about it.) Instead, ask Dean about that Italian monkey movie he made. Ben Vereen is the director. Isaac moves in to get a babe a part in the picture. When he fails, maybe Gopher can do it instead. We've got another Osmond! And he's Vicky's favorite singer. How many Osmonds are there? Captain Stubing has eyes for the kid's mom. Maybe they'll bond over being single parents. Juliet Prowse is the lead actress. Osmond sings 'Spinning Wheel' and 'Proud Mary' while Vicki snaps her fingers. Is this really what we're doing?
The Love Boat: A Rose is Not a Rose/Novelties/Too Rich and Too Thin (1984)
Big Fun, Rich Little
'It's a constant battle - usually won by the spaghetti.' There's a "Celebrity Suite"? How come no one told me? Don Adams is trying to get his novelties into Audrey Meadows' catalog. Of course he is. Jamie is a commercial actress - the famous 'Jungle Mystery Woman.' She's watching what she eats. Rich Little is dressed as a woman. Why is Rich Little dressed as a woman? I'm sure there's a good reason. There had better be a good reason, otherwise we're all wasting our time. Don't comment on that. Arte Johnson is all over Lady Little. Meanwhile, Male Rich Little romances Julie. Wacky! This one gets a little preachy, I must say. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 1/2 * out of a possible 4 *.
The Love Boat: Side by Side/A Fish Out of Water/Rub Me Tender (1984)
Crosby > Hannah
'There is a sea of bikinis out there. Why don't you just dive right in?' The ship is carrying a rare shipment of marine specimens. Actually, the box turns out to contain a mermaid. Well, that's something different. Ed Begley Jr can't get a date. Are you surprised? He's only one of history's greatest nerds. A grandmother is here with her grandson. He's worried about her health. There's a twist! The ship's masseuse quits, but fortunately, there's a sexy British woman standing in the lobby. She can do the job! Captain Stubing doesn't know that she's an employee. He falls for her! There's a 'Captain's Farewell' night? How come we've never seen it before? This is going to be a divisive episode. Especially that twist to the Begley segment. Hah! If they hate it, I dig it. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.