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Emancipizza
Reviews
The New Hands (2023)
A Little Heavy Handed
Okay, I consume bad horror movies regularly, and am generally on the lookout for an artsy film student project horror movie that somehow still takes itself seriously. In that, this movie earns a 10 in my book. The writing is silly, the dialogue stunted and unnatural, and the acting is like watching a soap opera but somehow with more hand violence. If you love a bad horror movie, this is for you. A silly premise, plenty of gore, and just so much nonsensical (and unresolved) drama. If you're looking for an actually good horror movie, I would look elsewhere. The amount of times they beat you over the head with hand puns and props is ridiculous. The movie even has the word "hand" in it; we get it. It's a great way to pass the time if you don't mind using fewer brain cells for an hour or two.
Beau Is Afraid (2023)
I will personally start a gofundme for this man's therapy
So we don't have to watch three hours of his Ode to Mommy Issues.
This movie was a huge letdown. I'm not a fan of Hereditary, and Midsommar was okay, but I always thought Ari Aster had real potential and was cautiously optimistic when this movie was announced. The acting is good, the cinematography is interesting, but the plot? The flow of the story? Pretty much nonexistent. And they continue to not exist for three hours. I've never been bothered by a long runtime but sweet Jesus, I wasn't sure I could make it through this one. It's mostly gratuitous, incredibly drawn-out and nonsensical scenes that don't piece together, and then a final ten-minute span where they (try to??) explain the whole story. I don't know what it is about Aster and keeping things vague until the last few minutes of the film, but it's just frustrating as a viewer. I won't say anything to spoil it, but what in the actual hell with the final attic scene??
Overall, I would only recommend this movie to someone i hated, and even then i would probably hesitate. We've got to stop funding this man's movies and throw some money to his therapist instead.
Werewolf Cabal (2022)
...what?
Don't get me wrong, I love a cheesy werewolf flick. But I do expect actors to, you know, actually act? And the writing to be somewhat indicative of the actual flow of normal human conversation?
This movie was unbearable, and with an almost 2 hour run time, I had a lot of time to gather evidence.
It's like aliens trying to mimic humans wrote this movie. The dialogue is (at the very least) unnatural, and the acting leaves me hating every character. I was mostly hoping they would all just get torn to shreds so I could be done with it. What's the plot? Why should I care about Guy with Bad American Accent and his half-brother, Spirit Halloween Werewolf Mask? I get that making movies is fun, but save this for your high school art project. Run away, friends.