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44 Inch Chest (2009)
7/10
Did you use a banana?
25 January 2010
A front-runner for film of the year? Probably not, but this movie definitely does come with it's moments with a bolster of some of Britain's finest talents. Ray Winstone, John 'F*****G' Hurt, Tom Wilkinson, Ian 'Lovejoy' McShane and some guy called Stephen Dillane. With its slightly muddled beginning's one is led to believe that there is somewhat of a dilemma at stake. Ray Winstone's alcohol fuelled, lost and idiocentric character Colin with his loose personality comes face to face with a situation that he clearly has no grasp of dealing with. So whom should he turn to in his hour of need? His trusting gangster friends of course.

Nestled in a room for the majority of the film each of Colin's friends play their part in trying to comfort him in his hour of need, or not as the case would seem. The centre of attention being Melvil Poupaud portraying a French waiter accused of committing sins with Colin's wife 'Liz' played by Joanne Whalley. What should Colin do with him? How does he tackle this scenario? The love of his life with another man? A French man!!! With his friends on board each offering their own unique words of wisdom you can all but feel Colin's mind fracturing into the unknown.

Alone I feel that John Hurt's foul mouth is worth the entrance fee, here's a guy who's pants I'd like to wear, clean or soiled, I'm not fussy. The guy really show piecing his talents here as an old school foul mouthed gangster, and when I say foul, I really mean foul, I'm pretty sure that my mother would have a hernia should she witness some of the obscenities to fall out old John's mouth here. His character 'Old Man Peanut' re-telling the story of Samson and Delilah in his own narrative is quite simply priceless.

Ian 'Lovejoy' McShane adding a certain suaveness to his role as homosexual 'Meredith' shunning Old Man Peanut's homophobic remarks with confidence whilst Mommy's boy 'Archie' played by Tom Wilkinson is a lacklustre character who just really wants to go home, a character that is seemingly fell into the criminal underworld by accident. Stephen Dillane plays slightly shady 'Mal' who Colin has his suspicions about, or is it all in his head?

I feel that the film could be quite easily misunderstood, it is in essence a dialogue film with word play being order of the day, breathing scantily clad undertones of Reservoir Dogs, a film I always remember my Granddad going to see at the cinema on a holiday in Brighton to escape my Nan for the day, he came out disgusted and disappointed in his choice. Naturally however this film is no Reservoir Dogs and it definitely won't appeal to all with its minimal scene locale and John Hurt's foul mouth. So if you want aesthetically pleasing locations and out of world experiences or if your put off by naughty words then you'd best stick with Avatar. But if your interested in witnessing some of Britain's finest meat play it out in a room together for 95 minutes then this movie is well worth a butchers look.

7/10
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8/10
Look mum I'm a Zombie....
12 April 2004
I was a bit sceptical about this when I first heard about it as remakes are usually something that I look down upon as I feel they are just aimed at the mainstream critters who have never heard of the original and they are a good cash in for the director and cast as they are digging up old material and adding there flavour to it to make some kind of improvement over the original.

Never the less despite Hollywood's absorbent cash in I was pleasantly surprised and entertained by the whole ordeal. This movie gets straight to the point and lets the zombie carnations out to play within the first five minutes of the film. One thing however, what's with all the fast zombies in movies at the moment? i.e. 28 days later, Chill out a bit will ya, what's wrong with sticking to traditions, zombies are slow, like a snail...a handicapped snail infact.

Ving Rhames as a cop? Not so sure about that. I liked Michael Kelly's character development as CJ and Sarah Polley (Ana) as the star of the show is very convincing here, it was also good to see Tom Savini making a nice little cameo here.

The ending could trouble some people but I felt that it was a fair establishment. Many will have natural hate in there blood at the thought of a remake of Romero's classic, naturally the film doesn't beat the original but compared to many modern day remakes I'll let this one off, now sleep my friends sleep.
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Hellraiser: Inferno (2000 Video)
6/10
Eggwhites
14 August 2003
Straight to video, dont you just love em? Well the effects and what not where good but the guy who is meant to be the hero is a loser and I hated him and wanted him to die. Everytime I thought he was dead I was plagued by the fact that it was all just a dream or an imaginery sequence, now come on thats an idea a 10 year old kid uses at the end of a story ie:

'...and the bunny rabbit woke up to relised that his mum wasnt mashed up by a combine harvester after all, and they all live happily ever after, THE END'

Pinheads not in it alot but when he is onscreen it is as good as always, got sum consideribly good gore in it too.

Watchable only if your a fan of the series, its the worst hellraiser ive seen but Its still ok. If American Pie is your favourite movie then stay away cus u suck !!!
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My Chorus (2000)
10/10
Genes made of Genius
11 August 2002
Well I have to keep this short as they are watching me...BUT, this little movie short was a great piece of work. Came across it late one night on the SC-Fi channel on a program called HeadF**k. Its a really well crafted piece of work with a highly original plot, a great inspiration to beginner independant movie makers like myself. JEWBO !!!!!!!!!!!
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The Postman (1997)
8/10
POSTMAN VS THE ICE CREAM MAN
5 June 2002
Kevin Costner must get a hard on for doing this type of film, apart from in this film there is a lack of water. The plot is here...somewhere, it just seems an odd thing to tell a story about in a post apocalyptic era, why a postman? But the film does itself justice with some good acting by Will Patton who makes and excellent bad guy. Also a great cameo performance from TOM PETTY...that's right kids TOM PETTY, whose acting skills are surprisingly just ok.

Overall the film is semi-enjoyable but it is the kind of film you would only watch once and never again unlike 1995's the ice cream man which I am sure holds many hours rewatching(made up word on my behalf). This is the end.
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Ghostwatch (1992 TV Movie)
7/10
Household Pipes
23 March 2002
This is a well-crafted piece of material form the BBC. I only got around to watching it ten years after its actual date of broadcast as my mate found it on video. But BBC like to pretend that they didn't make this program and for a couple of weeks denied any knowledge that they actually played it but when they came to their semi senses they decided that they would never play or release this program again. If you can get hold of this anywhere then do as even though this was staged it was staged well by those that are not normally actors but presenters.

Although the acting of the owners of the haunted house is pretty lame (hmm..I wonder where they are today...I'm guessing hang around bus shelters begging for money), also when apparently a séance has been introduced into the studio and wind begins to blow this is when any sense of realism is really blown away. I imagine for those that watched this at the time could have been fooled up to this point, as this was indeed weak. But anyway some of the techniques used and the hidden man next to the curtains all make up for strong Blair witch contenders. By the way Sarah Green hasn't been used much since this program, what have the BBC done with this woman, if you have seen her then call the following number and report the incident: 999, thank you I'm sure Phillip Schofield would be grateful and Gordon.
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7/10
CLASSIC
16 March 2002
I watched this film as a youngster and remembered enjoying it then, I was reunited with it about 10 years later and I loved it even more so. Just everything about the way H.G Wells has dealt with time travel makes this film a great viewing. He has explored time travelling in a way that leaves you with many captivated thoughts after the film has ended. The monsters do however make the film look dated but this doesn't ruin the film at all it just shows its age and insures its classic authentity.

I understand that a remake has been made and is on its way to the big screen, I do hope that they haven't ruined this masterpiece and I look forward too seeing it.
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The Mexican (2001)
7/10
Getting away with murder...
15 March 2002
This film is very watchable due to the predictable gags that still seem funny and due to its many twists and turns. However you do get the feeling that it is trying to be something that it is not, whilst trying to entertain the audience plot holes can be found throughout the movie. Like for example a number of killings take place all evolveing around either Jerry killing someone or being killed near him but he never seems to get discovered about this even when he kills a man on the side of portrays a busy road when the other man contemplaits on killing Jerry, also when he does get arrested it is not for murder. But like I said the predicatable humour and action seqences make this movie watchable.
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6/10
Miss Marple Investigates
11 March 2002
Ok folk my harsh judging and crude comments return as I am a hard t please critic and thats just the way I am. As far as this film is concerned it is just another murder she wrote movie but with out the old duck and a bit more grimness. Denzel Washington is a cop that gets cripled and 4 years later a case arrives that requires him to solve it as the other cops are too dman dumb to solve it for themselves.

Anglina Jolie discovers the 1st victim and takes pictures of the crime scene with a disposable camera and then becomes a vital part of the investigation team to help track down the killer, WOW..and original storyline once again but never the less the acting is quite good and the film holds a few scenes of suspense to keep the viewers entrigued.
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10/10
The trilogy to end all trilogys
20 December 2001
I have been looking forward to the start of this trilogy for some time now espcially as the creative mastermind Peter Jackson is behind it. And hasnt he done well, he managed to keep it at a rating of PG and still make it an incredibly enjoyable film which holds suspense from the start.

Great detail has gone into every part of this film, the ghouls are hideous, the landscapes are beautiful, the acting is great and most of all Jackson has stuck to the book and included everything possible in the first installment of the trilogy.

Role on December 2002.
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