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Scalpel (1977)
6/10
Robert Lansing Saves The Day!
6 May 2006
The master of the icy stare that could freeze your blood, dumpy actor Robert Lansing made a lot of movies watchable, including "The 4-D Man" and many others. Such is the case with SCALPEL, a slice of southern sleaze from Georgia. When he's not busy chewing the scenery, casually talking about plastic surgery, or yelling "Go get her, GOD DAMN IT!" to a hired killer, he is just rolling in the part of Dr. Reynolds, your friendly neighborhood psychotic plastic surgeon. The rest of the fortunately small cast seems uninterested in what's going on, mainly there to collect a paycheck to buy some more of those gaudy 1970's outfits, although Arlen Dean Snyder is good in his role as the suspicious Uncle Bradley. Without Lansing, this film would have probably been long forgotten. We still need the DVD though! Get this thing a widescreen transfer!
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3/10
Something Not Without Interest
6 May 2006
Fans of goremeister Herschell Gordon Lewis should look elsewhere if they are picking up this film for his usual buckets of blood being sloshed about, for there is precious little in the way of bloodletting in this film. Instead, Lewis decides to try and tell the bizarre story, relying on bargain-basement special effects on a budget which could have probably been doubled if the cast had turned out their pockets for change one day. Oddly enough, while cheap and very poorly acted (especially by McCabe as Mitchell), the total outlandishness of the plot keeps attention throughout. Imagine what this film could have been like with a decent budget! Overall, it strains for champagne tastes on a beer budget.
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3/10
Better Dramatics Than Sex And Humor
6 May 2006
For a 'sexploitation' picture, THE NOTORIOUS CLEOPATRA doesn't really work as one. The little bits of comedy we do see are pretty inane asides to the camera in the style of "Laugh-In", which thankfully are pretty much relegated to the first third of the picture. The sex scenes don't work too well either, dragging on for 5-10 minutes at a stretch and featuring some uglies who should have been paid to stay clothed. The film would have probably worked better as a straight period piece, since surprisingly most of the cast are fairly decent in their roles. Rocco, although wooden as the Trojan Horse with his facial expressions, does the best among all the cast as Marc Antony. The film actually gets less comical as it rolls on, turning dead serious in the last 10 minutes! And most shocking of all, it actually seems to work better that way.
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1/10
Terror? What terror? I don't see any terror...just boredom..
29 January 2006
If you ever pick up a dictionary and look at the word 'boredom', underneath in the many definitions of the word would be the title of this film. If you ever thought endless scenes of soft-core sex set to lazy music could ever lull you to sleep more than a triple dose of Lunesta, you just pick up this DVD, buddy, and welcome to dreamland before you get halfway through the mercifully short running time. Looking for dubbed-over, cornball narration that will make you want to slap the 'mute' button on your TV? This is the place to look! The list of everything wrong with this film could probably take as long to read off as the running time, so in short order, save yourself the hard-earned scratch and spend some money on something better.
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4/10
Oddly Watchable
29 January 2006
Obviously one of those sleazy films of the 1970's that always read better in a synopsis better than they play out in front of the eyes, "Evil Come, Evil Go" however does stay in the mind for a while after viewing. It's sure not the uninteresting sex scenes full of pasty, unshaven, unattractive people doing their best to try and act out something passionate that does it, or the lackluster "Hold the cue card closer, I can't read my lines off of it!" acting style. The film comes across as more of a pseudo-documentary, simply following the Preacherwoman through her motions as she acts the hypocrite, snorting fire and brimstone on those stupid young lovers, then picking up guys in bars and butchering them in a hotel room. Badly shot, badly acted, but yet plays out in a way that keeps one's attention. Go figure that one, huh?
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4/10
Oddly watchable
23 December 2005
Having seen the Trailer for this film on other DVD releases from Something Weird, and knowing that the trailer usually has the best scenes from a film, I didn't have high expectations when I finally broke down and purchased the DVD. While far from a perfect film, it is competently made technically, which makes it watchable despite the glaring gaps in logic and the weak storyline. What really sells the film, though, is Garth's creepy portrayal of the wacko 'scientist' Dr. Bradley. I don't think he personally looks like Henry Kissinger, but if you ever had a itch that you could only scratch by imagining good ol' Henry rubbing his bare torso down in oil and getting his groove on, this is the place to look!
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2/10
Street Of A Thousand Snores
9 June 2005
For a film filled with big-chested nude women, this had to be one of the most boring films that I have ever seen, and did not deserve a release on Something Weird's usually interesting DVD label. Why? Well, for a film such as this, which is as skimpy on plot as the women are of clothes in it, something needed to be done to jazz things up. It sure wasn't the quickly-tiring camera tricks, in which 'You the viewer can get up close' to the women. That got old after about the first 15 minutes. So did hearing the man given the pleasure of touring the slave market say 'Beautiful' about 100 times. Not recommended except to the most die-hard breast fans.
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5/10
Gets The Time Killed
25 March 2005
This rural low-budgeter was pretty shocking for something coming from the Something Weird DVD line, in the fact that it doesn't look or feel like some softcore porn, like probably 90% of their output. Of course, Damballa is pretty hot without her clothes (which you get to see in ample amount)! The film is fairly well-made under the conditions, with some rich color photography and it moves along at a good gallop, being only 71 minutes, and could have probably gotten away with some editing out of the overly-long ritual and dancing sequences. Granted, the acting is pretty poor, but that's to be expected in something like this. All in all, worth a look if you buy a copy.
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3/10
So by-the-numbers it is down for the count...
4 March 2005
Typical by-product of the "erotic thriller" craze of the early 1990's, this one watchable as most, but mainly plays out like a foul-mouthed Lifetime TV movie. If you want to see Helen Slater's bare boobs, this is the place to be. If you want to see former TV stars such as Harvey Korman, Alan Thicke, and David Lander make fools of themselves to get a paycheck to pay the bills, this IS the place to be! Speaking of Alan Thicke, he provides 90% of the profanity on here, playing against type as a dirt bag ex-husband conspiring to kill Helen Slater in order to get her share of a company she owns stock in. Yep, the plot is that dull and predictable. Robby Benson should stick to acting and throw the word processor in the garbage. Still, if you must watch this, it is worth a look just to listen to how many times Alan Thicke can say "F**K!".
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Filthy Rich (2003 Video)
2/10
Filthy Rich, Yet Spent On Arrival
18 February 2005
Nothing kills a porno quicker than when it attempts to have a plot! What's the 'plot' here? Three women gather at the family home after their father dies of Alzheimer's in the attempt to find out which one of them will inherit his fortune. Since the will can't be found, a lawyer has to figure out which woman will get the money. That's the plot. Of course, the lawyer is there for just more than doing his job, he's there to do some ladies! The women are there to do other women! The lawyer's assistant? He's there to get his freak on too! Sadly, for all the flesh on parade, none of it is worth a double take, and despite the scenes not droning on forever and a day, the film still requires heavy use of no-doze and some liberal fast-forwarding in order to end the misery. Avoid.
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3/10
Barely Holds One's Attention
14 December 2004
Mean-spirited and brutal film is mainly a fictionalization of the events that happened when the Zodiac killer raised hell in California back in the late 60's-early 70's. Our chipper killer (who resembles a young Merle Haggard) goes around raising hell. When he's not braining women with car hoods or spare tires, he's knifing couples or worshiping his altar where he believes the spirits of all the people he killed will be his slaves in the afterlife! Wow, is this guy one nutty dude! Gotta love the Doodles Weaver cameo, too, and how he likes his women "plump and dumb". Everyone knows some filthy old man like that, don't they? Obviously made by people who were not too hip to film-making, the film is shoddy and poorly shot, but the sheer outrageousness of the situations is good for one look at least.
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1/10
"Sex" Killer? How about INSOMNIA killer?
14 December 2004
This film is a real snooze, pretty much the empty filler between the more meaty movies on Something Weird's 3-movie DVD set on serial killers. I have seen a few Barry Mahon movies (probably the 'best' of which was "The Beast That Killed Women" and that's not saying much), and the man had no decent casts, no thrilling stories. He had flat-out NO discernible talent. Although his films were well shot, most of them require toothpicks to prop up the IL' eyelids in order to stay awake until the end. Terminally boring, although the film's one redeemable feature is the grimy NYC locations. Buyers of the DVD should just skip this one altogether.
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Final Embrace (1992)
2/10
Standard B-Trash
8 July 2004
You know, if it wasn't for seeing the cherubic old Dick Van Patten playing a hardboiled detective in this B-grade suspenser, it wouldn't be worth the film it was photographed on. None of the cast really stands out, the plot doesn't offer much in the way of surprises, and the finale leaves a whole lot to be desired. Then again, what can you expect from one of these generic, cookie-cutter films? To be honest, you do have to throw the genre a bone for this one: Seems like these films always try to spice things up castwise by having someone with some name recognition play a COP! I'm still waiting to see Bob Newhart play a detective in one of these erotic throwaways.
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3/10
Yeah, he's pretty angry!
3 July 2004
This was sitting and gathering dust on the one of the shelves at my local video store, so I decided to rent it one day. Set in northern Michigan (where I'm from), this is a pretty forgettable, dirt-cheap revenge yarn. Bass is a native American fisherman who is having his fishing grounds taken away by the big, bad IL' white man. What does Angry do? Well, he goes nuts in a limited-budget way and wreaks half-handed havoc across the wilderness, including "accidentally" causing a man to chainsaw his leg off, and the Sheriff to scream "BAAASSSSS!" about 20 times. Without giving away the ending, Bass and the corn-fed Sheriff have a brutal showdown on a fishing boat, involving a shotgun and more screaming. I wonder where this was filmed, IF it was filmed, in Northern Michigan. None of the locations look familiar, neither do the names in the cast. BAAASSSSS! Sorry, couldn't help myself.
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Zombie Lake (1981)
DULL
12 December 2003
Very poor excuse for a zombie film. There ain't much more one can say that hasn't been already said about this travesty: poor acting, poor special effects, even the nude women ain't much to look at. DVD may be a good thing, in that it gives lost gems the chance to be enjoyed again all gussied up, but this was one film that should have stayed in the crap can.
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7/10
Slow but watchable zombie flick
12 December 2003
The first time I watched this film in the mid-90's, I didn't think much of it, but upon a second viewing, I started to appreciate the bizarre visuals of this creepy little yarn. Although not very well made on an obviously low-budget, some of the tenseness does come through, like the scenes with the zombies in the theatre and the grocery store, as well as near the end where they are looking through the skylight of the art studio. Granted, this is pretty much a hit or miss film, but it is worth a look or two.
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Aardvark (1994–1996)
Pretty poor attempt at sketch comedy
9 December 2003
Among the things that kept me away from a career in broadcasting, or better to say, the TV studio at Central Michigan University (where this show was shot) was the sorry, half-hearted, pretentious, and overblown garbage such as "Aardvark". Of all the times I watched this show, it was flat-out dull and unfunny, shot by a bunch of long-haired (what is it about broadcasting students and long hair? Mine wasn't) untalented wannabees who think what they're doing is the best thing since George Carlin popped out of his mother's womb. Well, I now know why CMU had a Public Broadcasting station. It's a lot better than this D.O.A. junk.
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Lost Souls (1997– )
1/10
Lost Causes
14 August 2003
Seeing this back in the ol' college days reminded me about how worthless college TV was. A bunch of snobbish college broadcasting students working on high caffeine and pathethic writing comes up with stuff like this. Can you suspend disbelief a million miles up? Is bad digital effects your cup of tea? This is your cake then, people. Boy, this stuff is BAD. The few times I did watch poor ol' "Moore Hall TV" I fought with my friends tooth and nail to flip that station back on PBS! Hmmmm let's take a minute to look at the requirements for this site, for one thing. I thought stuff shown on Public access TV wasn't accepted on here. MHTV=PUBLIC ACCESS. Local cable, folks. They'd show local schoolboard meetings LIVE for Cryin' out loud! "Lost Souls" and other tripe ground out by Matthew 'Should" Schutt-UP! should be tossed into the nearest recycle bin. Go watch the sun rise, go watch the paint on the walls dry. Much more engaging.
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Boy What A Stinker
25 February 2003
I've seen bad movies, but none quite as bad as this "I Eat Your Flesh". I feel sorry for the people who went to the drive-ins in the 1970's and had to watch this on a double bill with the far superior "I Drink Your Blood". Best I can say of that situation, plenty of make-out time in the back of the car while this dismal dreck plays.
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Dead On (1994)
Not dead on...
28 June 2002
This was a pretty lousy excuse for an "erotic thriller". It wasn't erotic, or very thrilling, or very exciting. The flashy camerawork doesn't add to the story, just covers up the weak plot. The greasy lawyer reminded me of Stuart Pankin, who's selling orthopedic foot supports on late night tv now. How about this cast? Probably not doing much better. Avoid at all costs.
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Dream No Evil (1970)
3/10
Watchable
14 June 2002
This was one weird film. I recall seeing it on late-night TV as a kid, and then I rented it when I was in college. At least there are some decent actors in the cast (including Lawrence, who's slimier than a sack of snails). Worth a look on a slow evening.
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ROBERT CULP NAKED
14 June 2002
This was one poor film. While at times it does keep your attention, the muddled plot is too hard to follow. And besides, it is hard to focus on the plot of a film when Robert Culp is running around NAKED! NO human being should be subjected to such mental torture.
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This Old House (1979– )
Rippin' Good
2 June 2002
I've watched this show for a long time, and it's still the best. Granted, Norm needs to wear something other than plaid, and Steve can be annoying, but it's fun to watch these guys inflict terror to homeowners in the form of lines like "We gotta replace all this" and "It's expensive, but it's worth it". Tops had to be when they were in London and asked everyone they met "Would you let me buy you a cup of tea?"
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3/10
Too bad not a viewer's delight
31 May 2002
I rented this film out of the local video store one day, you know, the kind of movie with box art that just reaches out and tells you to 'rent me'. Well, if you see this dull film in your video store, walk on by. Fight the urge, rent a porno, because this film is BOOOoooorrrring. Despite the interesting opening, the film lapses into repetitive murders and a hardboiled cop stumbling around, dealing with the usual problems (wife, bastard of a boss, etc). Wondering if the fast forward function on your VCR works? Rent this film and put your concerns to the test.
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