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Hellboy (2019)
6/10
Fun to be had if you can divorce yourself from previous incarnations
25 April 2019
Step 1 to enjoying this film: Divorce yourself from the previous incarnation. This film is a nice fun burger and the del Toro films are filet mignon It trades heart and soul for gore and action sequences

Step 2: Realize that it's a Millennium Film and should be treated as thus. A dumb fun action film. Like pretty much anything they put out be they Expandables, the Has Fallen movies, etc...)

Those 2 steps will affect your overall enjoyment of this film exponentially. Not to say there are not many flaws with this movie. The jokes fall flat, there's not NEARLY enough Lobster Johnson in the film (Hell I'd pay good money to see Thomas Haden Church in a spin-off film reprising that character's earlier exploits( But I was able to enjoy the movie for what it was and not damn it for what it wasn't.
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3/10
Worst of the Conjuring Universe
23 April 2019
First the good I'm glad that the film is out as the trailer played before every damn movie that I saw within the last 4 months. So that hell is over.

Now the bad, damn near everything else. Mediocre acting combines with a surprisingly unengaging story-line to make this one of the low points of the Conjuring Universe films. The film and everything that transpires within is also the dumbest of any of the films in the extended series. Lastly the lame attempts at 'humorous' one-lines fall flat.

The fact that the director of this is also tasked with The Conjuring 3 feels me with far more dread than anything that's contained in this film
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The Pining (2019)
2/10
Grows dumber and absurd enough to count as a parody
23 April 2019
Starts off a rather low-budget solitary zombie flick. Oh if it only stayed that way. Might have might a just ok short. MAYBE. However at even a mere 73 minutes or so it's still stretched ridiculously thin. The last 20 of which takes an already dumb film and triples down on it's stupidity. There's also a mid-credits stinger to sit through if you haven't thrown your remote through the tv at that point.
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2/10
But you will after wasting your time with this film
17 January 2018
College kids go on a road trip to a place they shouldn't have in this dire little mess of a film. Struggling to think of anything redeeming about this and other than the opening scene of topless sunbathing, I'm coming up with a blank. And that's being generous. Horrid robotic acting and a threadbare plot both could've been forgiven if the film were fun. It's not.
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1/10
atrocious
17 January 2018
A bickering couple take a trip to a weekend trip to a cabin in the woods in a vain attempt to save their crumbling marriage.unaware that someone is out there with malicious intent

I wouldn't want to spend 3 minutes with these two characters much less almost an hour and a half. It's grueling and moves at a snail's pace. And the 'action' or what passes for it, when it does come, it's not even worth it. A poor film on all fronts. Avoid it
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Advantageous (2015)
9/10
would be advantageous for you to give this a look
12 August 2015
What a pleasant surprise this film was. While trying not to get too much into detail, as not to spoil any of the intricacies of the movie, I'll say that while this is in the realm of sci-fi, the movie has much more on it's mind than merely that. It conveys as much in it's beautiful nuances and a refreshing subtlety that is sadly missing from many newer films of it's ilk. The film is also wonderfully acted across the board. So that doesn't hurt.

This mini-review was inspired by a haiku that I wrote on twitter, which I shall also include here for the sake of posterity (if for nothing else) Also in revised form as the original was sadly incorrectly in 5 7 6

Character driven

Well crafted slice of sci-fi

Deliberate pace
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See No Evil 2 (2014)
2/10
Kane this guy make a good movie ?
31 December 2014
The only possible 'good' thing that I can attribute to this train-wreck of a film is that it almost makes me want to retroactively change my rating for the similarly atrocious first movie in this franchise and give it another star just so I can rate this one lower.

Anyways, Jacob Goodnight (WWE's Kane),comes back to life to kill incredibly dumb teenagers in a morgue, while contending with flashbacks to his overbearing religious nut of a mom The film's haphazard, illogical and doesn't have a scary bone in it's body. Not recommended except for perhaps the most lenient of slasher fans.

My Grade: D-
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Diary of a Cannibal (2007 Video)
1/10
Ulli-ful
17 October 2014
Oh Ulli, why do I still act like a cinematic masochist by continuing to watch your unwatchable 'based on a true story' (albiet EXTREMELY loosely) waste of celluloid. Perhaps I've answered my own question. I AM a masochist, either that or the last true blooded optimist. Perhaps this one will be better. Maybe i won't long for the sweet embrace of death to keep me from viewing until the movie's end. Alas no. No such luck. i had to suffer through this spectacularly awful movie. Atrociously acted, shot worse than a student film. Unentertaining even in it's insipidness. DO NOT watch. DO NOT even let the idea enter your head.
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3/10
Summon a better film next time
17 October 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Four college friends who one night summon a demon who readily inhabits one of their bodies, have to figure out a way to defeat the demonic entity.

To say this is Writer/Director Alex Wright's best film is damning it with faint praise indeed, as the only previous films of his that i've previously seen were the abysmal "Wishmaster 3" and equally abysmal The "First 9 1/2 Weeks". At least this one starts off well-enough, if still stilted and unoriginal, before collapse in on itself and limping to it's conclusion. As it stands, the movie is still worthless, yet better than those two aforementioned stinkers.

Eye Candy: Cortney Palm is briefly topless (but as a cadaver, so....)
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1/10
in order to twist, the film has to have a brain in the first place
17 October 2014
Silly me, I thought that "Blood Trails" was the worst film that I'd have the misfortune to watch today. But lo and behold, here comes "Brain Twisters" to again prove me wrong, oh so VERY wrong.

This relatively bloodless tale of an insane scientist (but aren't they all) who's experiments with a video game make his student subjects into mindless murderous psychopaths, has nothing going for it. Insanely bad acting, and horribly disjointed storyline that at times I think was merely jotted haphazardly on paper cocktail napkins. This stinker not only scrapes the bottom of the proverbial barrel, but permanently resides there. It can't get much worse than this.
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Blood Trails (2006)
2/10
Trailing off into obscurity
17 October 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Anne cheats on her boyfriend with a deranged cop who turns out to be a psychopath by stalking her and her boyfriend while they're taking a mountain biking trip.

Predictable, unoriginal tripe that features unlikable characters doing idiotic things that will make one yell at the screen in disbelief. Not only did I glance at my phone to check the time while waiting for this film to finally end, thus putting me out of my misery, but i actively hated that i wasted the time watching it. Yes the movie is that bad.

Eye Candy: Rebecca Palmer gets topless (although it could possibly be a body double)
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Mine Games (2012)
4/10
A mine is a terrible thing to waste
16 October 2014
Warning: Spoilers
A group of friends stumble across an abandoned mine, while on vacation. There's something eerily peculiar about said mine though and it wastes no time getting the group all discombobulated with it's timey-wimey shenanigans

Highly reminiscent of "Triangle", but not as nearly accomplished as that film. The insipid number has a group of unlikable characters and a script struggling too hard to be clever that it falls over it's own feet several times. Shame as it had potential, only to flounder it all away.

Eye Candy: Lindsay Lamb as Sarah gets topless
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2/10
This film is a clown
14 October 2014
A group of kids are methodically stalked by a killer in clown makeup while they are cleaning up an old opera house. Who lives? Who dies? Who cares?

Say what you will, but clowns are just inherently frightening for some reason. Furthermore, it takes some serious talent to make a killer clown that's not scary in any way, sense, or from. Not one iota. This robs the viewer of even silently cheering while the group of stereotypical, asinine, unlikable characters get slashed. A real chore to sit through.

Eye Candy: Liz Crawford as Ashley gets briefly topless
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3/10
I want to be chasing a better movie
14 October 2014
Patrick takes a trio of TV paranormal investigators with him to observe a couple's daughter, who appears to be suffering from the same possession that Patrick's own sister had suffered from before her untimely suicide, in this low-budget horror flick that's firmly in the 'found footage' sub-genre.

I didn't particularly care for the 'found footage' sub-genre, as in my mind, most of the films can come across as cheap, lazy, badly acted & sloppy. This film suffers from it's faults yes, but it's still marginally better than other swill that populates this genre. Still not enough to rewatch it again anytime soon (or ever) though.
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4/10
Carrie on our wayward son
11 October 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Rachel Lang finds herself in a fowl mood after her best friend commits suicide. So what can a faux 'goth' half-sister of Carrie White do? Let the telekinesis fly in this unnecessary belated (by a few decades) sequel to a iconic horror classic.

This film might've fared better had it been a stand alone film rather than a sequel to a beloved classic. However this IS a sequel (a point that this movie with constant callbacks to the aforementioned classic NEVER lets you forget) This is one of the two main minuses of the film (the other being Zachery Ty Bryan acting quite poorly)

All is not awful as Rachel coming into her full revenge in the third act is entertaining, although not enough to sit through the rest of the film in my mind. That being said, this film IS STILL a million times better than the theatrical remake of Carrie.
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Carrie (2013)
2/10
They're all gonna laugh at this abysmal remake
11 October 2014
The coming-of-age story of the bullied Carrie While gets shortchanged in this atrocious remake.

De Palma made a classic back in the mid-70's that still has the power to resonate as hard to this day, nearly 40 years later. Unfortunately, this ill-conceived almost word for word remake is not only not as well-acted but also seems to think less of it's audience by 'dumbing' it down exponentially) I, for one, would just rather re-watch the marvelous original adaptation any day of the week rather than suffer through this forgettable tripe. Thankfully in this age of Netflix and Amazon Prime, one can easily do just that.
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Carrie (1976)
8/10
One of De Palma's best (and the best King movie adaptation)
11 October 2014
Based on the Stephen King novel, this film details the ageless tale of Carrie White, social pariah thanks in no small part to her religious zealot mother, as she deals with being bullied.

A great film is able to not only stand the test of time, but not become dated by the era that it was made. Carrie accomplishes both these tasks with aplomb. It still resonates as hard today as it did nearly 40 years ago (has it truly been that long? My how time flies) And even a couple truly atrocious remakes and ill-conceived sequel couldn't diminish the sheer power of arguably Brian De Palma's second best film. (Scarface being his best, there's no arguing that)
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Static (I) (2012)
4/10
undone by a truly awful ending
10 October 2014
Warning: Spoilers
A couple who had recently lost a son finds themselves targeted by a group of unknown criminals who appear to be after not only them, but a girl that they saved by letting into their house after her car breaks down earlier.

This reasonably well-acted tense horror film kept my interest through most of it's run time. I found myself enjoying it more than i expected to, everything was going well enough, But then the ending rears its ugly head and completely obliterates what good will I had for the film. Because of this I can't really bring myself to recommend it to anyone save the least discerning horror-phile amongst you.

My Grade: D+
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Malignant (I) (2013)
3/10
Malignant is surprisingly stagnant
9 October 2014
Allex, understandably distraught at his wife's death, takes up the bottle. Now, after months living in a drunken haze, he finds himself in the midst of a fiendish plot by a nameless enigmatic voice (Genre mainstay, Brad Dourif) to rid him of his vice once and for all in this slow-burning little horror film.

Although Mr. Dourif is undeniably the 'highlight' of this film, that's my by default as the rest of the film is pretty awful. The main gist of the movie felt extremely padded and could've been told in 45 minutes tops to get rid of some needless repetition. As far as Brad films go, i'd put it way down with the abysmal "Junkyard Dog"
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7/10
boobs and yoyos
9 August 2014
Jay and Mike have their first VCR repair job in 15 years, so they choose to milk it for all it's worth or at least into Mr. Plinkett, the lovable psychopath/star of his scathing AMAZING dissection of the supremely awful Star Wars prequels, catches on. First up for review is the Nicolas Cage starring Drive Angry and The Adjustment Bureau. (word of warning the spoil Drive Angry, if you care)

I found both reviews fairly spot-on, although I personally felt that Drive Angry is a guilty pleasure. I do agree about the other film being meh. The ending of this episode was amusing and a nice call-back to the aforementioned Plinkett review as well.
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Puppet Master II (1990 Video)
7/10
still holding a Torch for the franchise
20 July 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Tunneler, Jester, Blade, Pinhead & Leech Woman are back to kill some more paranormal investigator types, this time once again under the thrall of the original Puppet Master, Toulon, after the puppets resurrect him, however zombie Toulon is a bit of a nut-case. However, he also made Torch, one of the more interesting puppets, in this outing. So it's all good.

I found myself enjoying this film despite of major continuity eras. In some respects it may seem like a bit of a rehash of the previous film, but it moves at a quicker pace and features some pretty cool kills. All in all, it's on par with the first film.

Eye Candy: Men get Charlie Spradling topless. The ladies get to ogle Collin Bernsen's posterior
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Puppetmaster (1989 Video)
7/10
put Full Moon on the map for good reason
19 July 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Half a century after puppet master Andre Toulon kills himself in a hotel rather than the prospect of his serum that gives life to inanimate objects falls into the hands of evil Nazis, a group of physics are invited to the aforementioned hotel where they're victimized by animate puppets.

This is the film that put Full Moon on the map and for good reason. it had a fair amount of suspense, the puppets were are interesting (my favorite being Tunneler, which I've since procured a replica of, but i digress) and i found it to be a fun little cheapie horror film. One of the main gripes that i've heard about it throughout the years is that it's needlessly slow which i didn't find to be the case that badly, even though it does plod at times.

Eye Candy: Kathryn O'Reilly provides the T&A quotient
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4/10
squeezing blood from a stone
19 July 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Radu is inexplicably back after being extremely sunburned at the conclusion of the third film. Of course, the unwritten law of Full Moon is to keep chugging out sequels whether they're warranted or not (see also latter day Puppet Master films, Demonic Toys Vs. Whomever, Killjoy, etc...) But I digress. Radu is back and he continues his search for Michelle who's still in the country after a badly timed car crash.

As far as mindless cash grabs go, this film isn't the worst in Full Moon's history, but it IS the worst Subspecies film by a wide margin and in my mind taints the memory of the original trilogy (and to an extant the offshoot that was "Vampire Journals") Eye Candy: an extra is topless
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6/10
Lust for un-life
19 July 2014
Continuing directly after the major cliffhanger of the previous film (well after a short recap of the aforementioned movie at least) Subspecies 3 jumps right back into the thick of it. With Rebecca trying to save her beloved sister/recent vampire Michelle from evil vampire Radu and his witch of a mother.

While there are parts of the film that I really enjoyed, this third film as a whole is a bit too padded and i believe that it would've been better served (artistically if not financially) by trimming it down and combining the footage left with part 2 to make a much better film. As it is, the film was OK, it just could've been such better.

Eye Candy: Elvira Deatcu gets briefly topless and Melanie Shatner provides T&A
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7/10
a fun half of a movie
19 July 2014
Warning: Spoilers
The evil Radu returns with a vengeance after his subspecies minions help put him back together. After taking care of his brother, the dastardly One finds that Michelle, his brother's love interest/newly turned vampire (also newly Denice Duff, replacing Laura Tate who lijkely balked at doing the nudity) has run off with the precious Bloodstone.

This one being filmed back-to-back with part 3 should clue you in that you shouldn't expect any real semblance of an ending to part 2. So if you're not fully prepared to set aside around 3 hours to watch both together, you'll likely be disappointed by a fairly large cliff-hanger.

That gripe aside, I enjoyed Subspecies 2 as much, if not more, than the first. It has more action and meat to the story.

Eye Candy: Denice Duff provides a full-frontal
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