FeastMode Reviews

Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes (2024)

New levels of boredom

[1/10 · 9 May 2024]

This is one of the most boring movies I've ever seen, and I've seen thousands. I promise this isn't a problem of the short attention span tiktok generation. I'm a movie fiend and some of my favorites are longer than this.

We spend a staggering amount of time wandering and discovering. The movie seems to care more about showing us this post-apocalyptic world than telling an actual story.

I couldn't have been less invested in the story or characters. When they wanted me to feel sad, I felt nothing. And it's not because these are animals. I cried for talking animals in Guardians vol 3. It just does a horrendous job of making you care.

I need to give a few examples for comparison. I recently rewatched both The Departed (2 hours 30 mins) and Batman Begins (2 hours, 20 mins). Both are examples of masterful storytelling. Those movies are jam-packed with story and frequent major plot points. There is more story in 10 minutes of The Departed than the first half of Kingdom. I'm not exaggerating.

I don't care if it has amazing CGI. If you can't get a movie fiend like me invested, then you have failed completely. Write story. It's important.

(1 viewing, early screening UltraScreen 5/8/2024)

The Fall Guy (2024)

Movie within a movie, stuntman within a stuntman

[7/10 · 2 May 2024]

The Fall Guy is a movie about making a movie. Aaron Taylor-Johnson plays an action star who's stuntman is played by Ryan Gosling... who has a real stuntman doing his stunts. The Fall Guy is filled with this type of third-degree meta-ness. I found it amusing.

The intro to the early screening called it a love letter to stuntmen. This is an accurate statement. Everyone who loves movies, action fans specifically, owe so much of their enjoyment to stuntmen. The movie showcases so many beautiful stunts. It truly is a celebration of that profession.

This is also heavily a love story. I normally don't go for that, but this one hit me in all the right ways. I felt all of the emotions they wanted me to feel.

I think most people will enjoy The Fall Guy. But the ones who will love it the most are people who are fascinated by the artistry of in-camera action, or fans of romantic comedies. Also, we need an Oscar for stunt work asap.

(1 viewing, early screening EMX 5/1/2024)

Knuckles (2024)

A nosedive of epic proportions

[2/10 · 1 May 2024]

I'm a fan of both Sonic movies. In the second one, Knuckles had me cracking up. I immediately liked him and was excited for his own series. The first couple episodes are fun and funny. The Knuckles humor is back in full force. It seemed like the series was on the way to success.

I don't think I've ever seen a series nosedive as hard as this one. Episode 3 is absolutely abysmal. They introduce Wade's sister, possibly the most annoying character in history. There were about 100 jokes or comedic attempts. Not only did I laugh at zero, but nearly every one made cringe. It's shockingly bad.

I was hoping it would be a one-off. But the rest of the series is just as bad. It's unbelievable cheesy and corny. These are jokes for children. I understand the entire Sonic series is PG and is technically for kids. But the movies are enjoyable even for adults. This feels exclusively for children.

There several other flaws as well. I noticed multiple continuity errors, things that make no sense, and cartoonishly unrealistic action moments.

But the worst part is, the title character is barely in the series. There are entire episodes where he's nowhere to be found. I like Wade as a side character in the movies, but he's not nearly interesting enough to lead. Yet he's still endlessly better than the rest of the cast/characters. Everyone else is atrocious.

The only thing good about the show Knuckles is Knuckles. Everything he says and does is awesome. Imagine if the show centered around him. That seems obvious to do. I guess not.

(1 viewing, 4/30/2024)

Infested (2023)

Fun spider flick

[6/10 · 30 April 2024]

Vermines (aka Infested) is a entertaining creature feature with a really cool vibe. You feel it early with the music and tone. It does a good job creating distinct characters and is generally well-made from a technical perspective.

As for the spider-ing, it's awesome and the best aspect of the film. They find lots of creative ways of showcasing the creatures. This is the kind of fun-horror I wish they made more of, rather than the thousands of boring haunting movies that Hollywood pumps out.

For me, there are a few things that hold this back from being rewatchable. There are several non-spider scenes that go on for far too long. I like that they took their time to develop the characters, but there are numerous parts where cutting something would have made zero difference to the story or movie. It's like the director was afraid to leave a single shot on the cutting room floor.

There are also a couple of questionable parts but nothing too bad. And multiple scenes had several people yelling at the same time, which makes it difficult to watch when you have to read constant double-lines of subtitles.

Even with those flaws, I still enjoyed this as a one-time viewing type of movie. It's levels better than another recent spider flick called Sting. That one has an embarrassing ~35 seconds of spider screentime and is very boring. Vermines is basically the opposite.

(1 viewing, 4/29/2024)

Boy Kills World (2023)

"Do you know how hard it was to get them to sponsor mass murder?"

[4/10 · 23 April 2024]

Boy Kills World is unique, outrageous, over-the-top, violent and bloody. It's dark and fun at the same time. The premise is highly intriguing, especially when it comes to the main character and a few of his attributes. Everything I just described makes it seem like this movie is catered specifically for me. These are the exact kinds of movies I go for.

So why didn't I like it more? It's hard to say. Aside from a few really cool fight scenes, I maxed out at "mildly enjoyable." It wasn't hooking me like it should. For most of the movie I felt like, "it's fine."

The action is sometimes awesome, fast-paced and brutal. A scene involving a cheese grater stands out. But other times, the fight scenes are hectic, shaky and unclear. This can also describe the story as a whole. It always feels off. And later in the movie they introduce story elements I didn't buy at all.

One thing I'll concede, this movie is highly relevant. We continue to see totalitarian governments around the world silencing dissent using brutal methods. Dehumanization is prevalent. The answer to the quote in my headline is... not hard at all. I won't specify because my review will be taken down. But we've seen massive boycotts of companies profiting from mass murder. Not to mention the educational institutions as we watch mass protests on college campuses across America.

(1 viewing, early screening Marcus Mystery Movie 4/22/2024)

Men (2022)

What did I just witness?

[4/10 · 21 April 2024]

I'm a huge fan of writer/director Alex Garland. Annihilation is one of my all-time favorite movies. And I love Sunshine, Ex Machina, Dredd, Devs and 28 Days Later. I saw this movie on opening night on his name alone. I did not watch a single trailer or read any reviews. I didn't even know what it's about. (This is the best way to watch a movie)

To my dismay, this movie doesn't work for me at all. It's extremely slow with very little happening for most of the movie. I spent the majority of the time trying to figure out what was happening or what kind of story was unfolding. I impatiently made it to the end, hoping the movie could be salvaged. Instead I was given some of the weirdest stuff I've ever witnessed in a movie, and not in a good way. The best word to describe my feeling was befuddled.

The movie overall is competently made with good directing and performances. But there isn't enough story or substance to balance out the abstract and metaphorical. I compare it to Annihilation which was juicy with metaphors and symbolism, but was also filled with story and substance. And while both movies have scenes and images that I've never seen or even imagined, the ones in Annihilation mesmerized and terrified me, while the ones in Men made me raise an eyebrow and say what I wrote in the headline.

Alex Garland is now 3 for 4 in the director's chair. I should stop hoping that every new director prodigy will be the next Christopher Nolan with almost every movie being amazing. It's not reasonable. I should expect misses like Men. And I still look forward to seeing more from Garland. But I can't like a movie if after I've watched it, I have no idea what I just witnessed.

(1 viewing, opening Thursday 5/19/2022)

Rebel Moon - Part Two: The Scargiver (2024)

Let's go!

[8/10 · 19 April 2024]

I didn't understand the negative reception for part one. I definitely won't understand if it's the same for the sequel. The Scargiver takes all of the world building from the first, adds significantly more to the story and characters, and tops it off with an epic battle sequence.

Everything great about the original is continued here. The beautiful visuals, amazing music and goosebump-inducing slow-motion shots. It's more Snyder being Snyder, and I'm nowhere close to being sick of it. For me, it's delicious.

The part that stands out the most is how ridiculously invested I was in the wellbeing of the characters and the outcome of the story. I was on the edge of my seat, legitimately nervous and worried. And to make it even more impactful, this movie is emotionally powerful. It gave me the feels more than once.

In conclusion, The Scargiver is highly entertaining, awesome, intense and fun.

(1 viewing, 4/19/2024)

Abigail (2024)

Don't watch the trailers!!! (spoilers after a warning)

[8/10 · 19 April 2024]

Abigail is awesome. It's creepy, fun, thrilling and surprisingly funny. I enjoyed the tone and the music. The fantastic cast plays distinct and memorable characters, with standouts being Melissa Barrera and Dan Stevens. The horror elements are (in Billy Butcher's voice) diabolical. The movie overall is so far from traditional horror flicks and I wish more would go this route instead of the generic movies Hollywood pumps out.

The most important thing I can tell you is to try going into this movie knowing as little as possible. Definitely don't watch the trailer. It gives away so much and shows all the best parts. Even for someone like me who doesn't watch trailers, every poster and advertisement blatantly shows something that you don't find out until halfway through.

I'll rant about this more in the spoilers section, but whoever is in charge of marketing has no shame. They will hurt the movie for thousands of viewers in hopes of selling more tickets. They are a scourge on the industry.

Even if you have seen the trailers, Abigail is still a HIGHLY entertaining movie that I recommend to everyone.

(1 viewing, opening Thursday UltraScreen 4/18/2024)

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

You should only read this section if you have seen the trailer or the movie. There is CLEAR intent by the filmmakers to hide the fact that Abigail is a vampire and is the threat they're worried about. They spend the first half wondering who her father is and who he sent to kill them. They start questioning if it could possibly be one of them.

All of this mystery is ruined by the trailers and posters. I already knew she's some kind of monster. I spent much of the first half just waiting to get to the part where she starts killing. It was still enjoyable, but I would have been enthralled with the mystery, wondering and guessing what was happening and who the bad guy was. I would have enjoyed it even more.

The scene (shown in the trailer) where she reveals she's a vampire, would have, to the full extent of the expression, blown my mind. It would have been one of the most memorable moments of any movie I've seen. The advertising company stole that moment from me and so many others. All so they could make some extra money.

But I bet it would have been more profitable if they left it as a surprise. Not only would there be less people annoyed as they wait for the movie to "get going" since they already know what's coming. But word of mouth due to that massive reveal would have been huge.

They could have advertised this as a mystery, showing them being hunted and arguing over who it could be. It would have been highly intriguing without giving much away. But no, they cater to the casuals to sell a few extra tickets, while ruining it for the loyal horror fans who were going to see it regardless.

I wish there was some accountability for whoever is making these trailers. If it was up to me they would all be fired.

If like me, you were underwhelmed by M3gan and thought it was far too tame and mild, this is the movie for you. This is what a movie about a young girl killer should be.

3 Body Problem (2024)

3 Body Problem's problems (spoilers after a warning)

[4/10 · 16 April 2024]

Being a self-proclaimed sci-fi junkie, I was excited to check out this new hyped up sci-fi series. It starts of really well and hooked me right away. The first few episodes build so much intrigue and speculation.

Then the show grinds nearly to a halt. There is little to no story progression. We focus on ridiculously annoying subplots. I could feel myself caring less by the minute.

The final few episodes ramp back up with more frequent major plot points, but it's too late. The show already lost me. And there are a bunch of things that don't really make sense. I don't think I'll be checking out season 2.

(1 viewing, 4/15/2024)

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

There are a few things that don't work or that I find hard to believe. For example, people who dedicate their life to science discover aliens, and their immediate reaction is, "They are my Gods."

Then they do this thing where maybe the aliens aren't so bad, until a huge reveal of, "you are bugs." The problem is, they already told us from the beginning that the aliens will be bad for us. The pacifist alien says not to contact them or Earth will be conquered. They should have either left the possibility of peaceful aliens open until "you are bugs." Or stop acting like it's not already known by the audience.

Then their is a mission to steal the communications with the aliens. They say they can't storm the boat with special forces because it will be a bloodbath and the passengers might destroy the data. And they can't use a missile strike or they might destroy the data themselves.

So they come up with a plan to use nanofibers to destroy the boat. Which is a total bloodbath. Which also may have destroyed the data itself. Which also gives the passengers enough time to destroy the data. The fact that this idiotic plan succeeds is pure dumb luck.

The annoying subplots I mentioned are the cancer patient and the love triangle he's a part of. Luckily it ended up playing a part in the plot. But we definitely didn't need to spend that much time with him dealing with his mortality. Or deciding if he wants to profess his love to his unavailable ex. Or imagining himself in a paper boat smh.

The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare (2024)

Mediocre

[5/10 · 15 April 2024]

Guy Ritchie has been on a nice streak lately. Unfortunately, The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare is an overall mediocre entry into his filmography. Most of the movie is average with a few aspects that excel.

By far the best part of the movie is the action. I continue to thank filmmakers with the courage to go for an R rating. This movie is violent and not afraid to show it. Of course that's far from the only thing that makes good action. It's also well-shot, clear, hard-hitting and regularly brutal.

The other part I liked is (most of) the cast. The standouts are Henry Cavill and Eiza González, with the fan favorite (from my crowd's reaction) being Alan Ritchson. The rest of the cast is fine, but they are not given much to do in the way of performances or character.

Even with these positives, the movie overall couldn't get me excited. It has a fun tone but I just wasn't that invested (which is usually an easy task for me). I wasn't annoyed watching it, but I also was barely enjoying myself.

There is something else I couldn't stop thinking about. This doesn't necessarily impact my enjoyment. But the title and premise imply that in order to beat the Nazis, this British mission needs to "stoop to their level." They need to be ungentlemanly this time, when normally they are extra gentlemanly and honorable. If you know anything about British history, this notion is laughable.

To make it worse, nothing they do in this movie would seem ungentlemanly. There is no moral ambiguity. There are no dilemmas. The "good guys" are never portrayed as anything other than "good guys." So I don't really understand the point.

Look, I doubt anyone will hate it, and some may really like it. But for me, this is fairly forgettable and rewatch chances are near zero.

(1 viewing, early access screening 4/13/2024)

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (2024)

More of a girl movie than a guy movie

[5/10 · 12 April 2024]

That headline isn't necessarily a criticism, but my reviews and ratings are subjective. And this movie leans towards a chick flick. There is still some guy humor, as well as jokes that are funny regardless of gender. I laughed a decent amount and there are a few hilarious parts.

But then it switches back to girl humor. Or a romance plot with EXTENSIVE scenes on dates. There are even life lessons. Again, these aren't necessarily bad things. They're just not why I watch comedy movies.

I found the lead to be the least funny. But the three younger siblings are hilarious and memorable characters. And the babysitter cracked me up.

I had an okay time watching this. But it's probably more enjoyable if you like chick flicks or are looking for a date movie.

(1 viewing, opening Thursday 4/11/2024)

Arcadian (2024)

The continued resurgence of Nick Cage

[7/10 · 11 April 2024]

Fair warning to all Nicolas Cage fans: contrary to what the poster may lead you to believe, he is NOT the lead. And he does NOT have any crazy-Cage moments. Even so, Arcadian is still a solid horror flick.

When it comes to these types of low-budget isolation movies with tiny casts, they frequently don't have enough substance to warrant the runtime. Not enough happens to make it entertaining. But that's not the case with Arcadian. There are lots of intense and suspenseful moments.

It does a great job with the horror elements and designs. There are a few highly memorable scenes with maximum creepiness. And the whole cast gives good performances.

Not everything works and there are a few flaws. And it doesn't reach the level of recent Cage hits Dream Scenario and The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent. But I think genre fans will have a good time with this one.

(1 viewing, opening Thursday 4/11/2024)

The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024)

I deserve to be alive

[4/10 · 9 April 2024]

I want to clarify that my dislike of this movie has absolutely zero to do with the message. I am fully behind it. Racism is still alive and well. Everyone deserves freedom, dignity and justice.

As for the movie itself... I just wasn't a fan. They take an interesting premise and do very little with it. This turns into a fully standard love story. The romance plot isn't bad, but it takes a fantastical idea and turns it into a run-of-the-mill relationship drama we've seen a million times.

As for the comedy, I laughed a decent amount. But it wasn't enough to keep me invested in the uninteresting story. I didn't hate watching this, but I don't personally recommend it.

(1 viewing, 4/3/2024)

Civil War (2024)

Meander: The Movie

[3/10 · 9 April 2024]

I am huge fan of writer/director Alex Garland. I've loved his movies all the way back to 28 Days Later and Sunshine. His last movie, Men, was highly ambitious and memorable but didn't work for me. It was his first miss. Civil War is his second, but for very different reasons.

Rather than being ambitious and memorable, Civil War is so normal and bland. I felt bored for the entire runtime, even the action scenes. Why? Because this movie doesn't have a story. It has a premise and does the bare minimum with that premise.

The entire plot, which we find out at the beginning, is traveling from point A to point B. And it's dangerous. That's it. That's the whole purpose of the movie. It's also the purpose of a random episode of The Walking Dead. Or The Last of Us.

The characters meander. The story meanders. The movie meanders. That's what I just spent two hours watching. A bunch of meandering. And you can throw in some well-shot action sequences. But I just didn't care. I was literally thinking to myself during the climax, "I don't care."

It reminded me of another movie that had so much hype and was a huge letdown. Battle Los Angeles was about an alien invasion. Yet the entire focus was a mission to rescue a group of civilians. It's a very regular story with a sci-fi skin on it. Civil War is a very regular story with dystopian skin.

Look, this isn't a poor-quality movie. It just has no substance. It feels like nothing. And I had a terrible time watching it.

(1 viewing, early access screening IMAX 4/8/2024)

Sting (2024)

Below average across the board

[3/10 · 6 April 2024]

I watched Sting early as part of AMC's Screen Unseen. I knew absolutely nothing about the movie. But I'm someone who loves creature features and watches most theatrically-released horror flicks. I also love spiders. Spider-man is my favorite superhero. I've seen nearly every (mostly terrible) spider-related movie (Eight Legged Freaks, Arachnophobia, Big Ass Spider!, etc). The spider gremlin is the coolest one of the Gremlins series.

The reason I say all this is to illustrate that it should've been easy for me to like this. Even if it wasn't "good," I would have been fine with something entertaining and fun. But every aspect of this movie is underwhelming.

This includes the cast, the performances and the characters (aside from the daughter). The dialogue is weak. The comedy isn't funny enough. The scares aren't scary enough. It's more boring than fun.

But the worst is the lack of spider. I estimate 30 seconds of total screen time. I'm not exaggerating. And I understand the concept of keeping the creature hidden to add suspense. But 30 seconds just isn't enough. And I'm confident this has to do with budgetary limitations. But that excuse won't stop creature feature fans from feeling entirely unsatisfied.

(1 viewing, early screening Screen Unseen 3/25/2024)

A Murder at the End of the World (2023)

Couldn't keep me invested

[4/10 · 6 April 2024]

A Murder at the End of the World is an FX miniseries with a cool premise. It sets up an intriguing story with nonlinear storytelling. I like the four leads, both the cast and the characters. Lead actress Emma Corrin gives a great performance. And seriously, where has Clive Owen been. He used to be one of my favorite actors. But I wasn't a fan of the rest of the cast or the hollow characters.

The best part of the show is the setting. We've seen tons of isolation movies, but the sci-fi infusion helps it stand out, a la Ex Machina.

Unfortunately, this show could not keep me invested. I had to keep reminding myself to finish it, and I barely wanted to. This is coming from someone who absolutely loves movies/shows. It doesn't take a lot to hook me.

(1 viewing, 4/5/2024)

Monkey Man (2024)

You know what I like in my movies, being able to see

[1/10 · 5 April 2024]

Headline #2: Imagine if John Wick turned out terrible, that is Monkey Man.

Headline #3: John Wick x Skinamarink

Most people won't get the last headline, but if you've seen Skinamarink, you know what it's like to watch a movie where you can't see anything.

This movie is a complete mess from a story perspective, a filmmaking perspective and an action perspective. Everything about it is hectic and frantic. The story doesn't go farther than the most basic revenge plots. We jump from scene to scene seemingly at random.

But by far the worst part is the action. You seriously can't see anything. It's some of the worst filmed action I've ever watched. Anyone who thinks this action is good hasn't seen good fight scenes. It's atrocious.

There are constant close-ups, shaky-cam and quick cuts. Even a car chase scene will frantically jump from shot to shot, swinging the camera. A foot-chase scene will have the cameraman running without a stabilizer. It's almost as if they don't want you to be able to watch.

I was completely bored and basically fed up with the movie, hoping it would be over soon. But there was still an hour left. So I did something I almost never do: I walked out. I normally tell people to make their own opinions on movies, but this one is horrendous. It's not even worth watching for free if you have the streaming service that picks it up.

(1 viewing, opening Thursday 4/4/2024)

Late Night with the Devil (2023)

When people say they don't make original movies any more

[7/10 · 1 April 2024]

Late Night with the Devil is a new and unique horror flick. Even having seen 500+ horror films, I can't compare this to anything else. It's not groundbreaking or mind-blowing, but it's different and original.

It's also really good, well-made in most aspects. It hooks you early on, even before any of the horror starts. For a while you're just enjoying a fabricated late night TV talk show. And then when the horror kicks in, oh does it kick. There are a few memorable and jaw-dropping scenes.

My headline is referring to something that drives me crazy. People, including close friends, complain that Hollywood has run out of ideas and only makes sequels, remakes and superhero movies. I respond by showing them all of the original movies released in a year, and how they did not watch any of them. They only go to the theaters a few times a year, and only for the blockbusters. What they're complaining about is their own fault.

If you're a fan of horror and are looking for something far from traditional, Late Night with the Devil is for you. And if you're sick of the perceived lack of original ideas, this is the kind of movie you should be supporting.

(1 viewing, 3/31/2024)

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)

Hectic gibberish

[3/10 · 29 March 2024]

I keep coming back to these movies. Over and over. I love monster movies and can enjoy dumb-fun action. I'm the exact target audience. How do they continue to fail? Aside from Godzilla (2014), they range from mediocre to terrible. And GxK is no different.

I know most reviews will compare this to Godzilla Minus One. But I have to. Every single Godzilla shot from Minus One is better than every single shot of him in GxK. Every single action scene in Minus One is better than every single one in GxK. Better story, characters, dialogue, emotional investment. Everything. Minus One is better in every way.

The worst thing I can say about GxK is... I was so bored. And I didn't care about anything that was happening. Zero investment. This is partly because it doesn't really have a story. Stuff just happens. Halfway through, I still didn't know what the story was about, what conflict we might be heading to, any kind of build up of a threat.

They continue with another useless human plot, completely formulaic and bland. One of the only positives is a highly talented cast. They're just not given anything to work with. Rebecca Hall is the only one who gets to show her talent.

Even worse is the 50+ comedic attempts. I laughed twice. The nearly sold out crowd laughed a few times. The rest made me cringe. They're like dad jokes. The entirety of the human story is basically a kids movie.

What about the titans? They rarely show the scale of these monsters. Most of the time it's from the perspective of the monsters, not the humans. So they always look like they're 6 feet tall, with everything around just smaller.

Even the movements are so fast like humans are fighting. When they fall, they fall in a second. No ground-shaking impact. It feels so fake and nowhere close to epic. I'm not anti-CGI, but the big action scenes are hectic gibberish.

I give up. It shouldn't be this difficult. I don't even need it to be a "good" movie. Just entertaining with good action. Instead I get forgettable and dumb.

(1 viewing, opening Thursday IMAX 3/28/2024)

Imaginary (2024)

Entertainingly bad

[2/10 · 27 March 2024]

How is this already available for streaming? It was released in theaters less than three weeks ago. That's a pretty bad sign.

The good: there are a couple of early jump scares that really made me jump. And there is one cool idea that actually worked.

The bad: everything else. This movie is extremely stupid and regularly laughable. They repeatedly do this thing where the young daughter is the creepy voice of the imaginary friend. But it's not creepy at all. It just sounds like a kid trying to be scary and made me laugh every time.

Later in the movie they start getting into the lore and explanations of what is happening and why. It reaches new levels of stupidity, shattering its own previous records.

Did I mention the unbelievably annoying stereotypical bratty teen daughter? You can't have a terrible movie without one of those.

From a horror fan, Imaginary is everything wrong with horror movies. Do better.

(1 viewing, 3/26/2024)

Skinamarink (2022)

Rename it "Nothing: The Movie"

[1/10 · 22 March 2024]

I regularly speak to my friends about the beauty of movies. How they can affect you, entertain you, mesmerize you, scare you, thrill you, break your heart and put it back together again. Movies do to me more than they do to most people.

Then I watch Skinamarink. Why wouldn't I? I love horror movies. Many of them are terrible, but I still find entertainment from laughing at the bad ones.

Why all this preamble? Because never in all my years, after the 5,000+ movies I've watched, have I seen something so devoid of.... anything. Literally anything. Is there anything in this movie? Even something bad I can laugh at? Anything at all?

I almost never quit a movie, but I could not torture myself any further. I sped through the rest of the movie just to see any kind of actual "horror" (there is not). At one point I was watching at 10x speed and I didn't miss anything. I was still bored and felt like I was wasting my time. At 10x speed. That's how nothing this movie is.

If you think I'm exaggerating, I promise I'm not. There is almost zero dialogue. The actors are rarely shown. They seem to have forgotten about the "picture" part of "motion picture." And come to think of it, the "motion" part as well. The majority of the movie is shots of an empty wall or ceiling.

(1 viewing, 3/21/2024)

Road House (2024)

A streaming movie that knows what it means to entertain?!?!

[8/10 · 21 March 2024]

I find most streaming movies to range between mediocre and terrible. But every once in a while, one comes along that surprises me; one that understands what it means to entertain. Road House (2024) is the definition of entertaining.

This is a highly enjoyable and fun action flick. It has a mostly light-hearted tone, but there are a few moments that demonstrate the seriousness; a few looks given by Gyllenhaal that chilled me to the bone.

To continue on that topic, Gyllenhaal gives yet another phenomenal performance. He has this weird demeanor of someone relaxed, chill, and carefree. But there is always something more behind his eyes.

The fight scenes are fantastic. I had my jaw dropped for extended periods. There are so many punches where they focus on letting us see the hit. I don't know how they did it so well.

The other surprise is the humor. I full-volume laughed repeatedly, my favorite being the nice henchman. And it never feels random or forced. Most of the laughs aren't even jokes, but rather situational humor within the action.

One last point of note, I want to thank these filmmakers for having the courage to go for an R-rating. It seems obvious for this type of movie, and for a movie that's not dependent on ticket sales. But I've seen too many movies, even streaming, that opt for the neutered version of their film. A few that come to mind: Rebel Moon, The Gray Man, Samaritan.

I had a blast watching Road House. I think most people will love it. It may not be super deep, but it remembers how to entertain.

(1 viewing, 3/20/2024)

Stopmotion (2023)

Some will like it, most won't

[3/10 · 20 March 2024]

I'm pretty open to checking out nearly every theatrically-released horror movie. Stopmotion had a limited release, but it looked really creepy so I gave it a chance.

There is definitely a lot of good here. I enjoyed the performance by the lead actress. It's filled with really cool, creepy imagery. And the stop motion stuff was done really well.

Unfortunately, a few things really tanked this movie for me. It did a bad job of keeping me invested and engaged. I was fairly bored for such a short movie. And it leans way too far on the metaphorical side for my liking. I get what they were going for. I just need more than that.

When it ended, I felt fully unsatisfied and a bit annoyed.

(1 viewing, 3/19/2024)

The Passenger (III) (2023)

A good movie

[6/10 · 18 March 2024]

I didn't know anything about The Passenger when I turned it on. I expected another bland throw-away streaming movie that I either hate or does nothing for me. But it surprised me in more than one way. It hits hard, and it doesn't take long to do it.

The performances by both leads are fantastic. Kyle Gallner is really starting to impress me. I've seen him in other things. But his performances in this and Smile have solidified him as someone who makes me more excited to see a movie.

It does a great job of getting you emotionally invested in the characters and their arcs. And there are numerous intense scenes.

I can't fully explain why I don't love this more. It's good but still feels more like a streaming movie than a theatrical one. And I don't see myself watching it again. But I'm glad I did and I had a good time.

(1 viewing, 3/14/2024)

Anatomy of a Fall (2023)

Best picture nominee?

[2/10 · 13 March 2024]

Every year I lose more and more respect for the Oscars. The best picture nominees usually have a couple movies I like. The rest are movies I hate or have absolute zero interest in watching. Can you guess which category this falls in?

I cannot fathom why Anatomy of a Fall was even made, let alone being nominated for best picture. This has to be one of the most mundane and uneventful courtroom dramas/mysteries I've ever watched. There is endless, barely interesting dialogue that made this feel more like work than entertainment. I think watching a real life court case would be more enjoyable.

Nothing about this movie feels cinematic or worth my time. I even looked into some of the deeper meanings. I can see why this might appeal to some. But that should be the cherry on top. If the story itself is bereft of intrigue, then I don't care about the deeper meaning.

The only thing at which this movie succeeds is making me wonder if French courts are really this ridiculous. I'm no expert, but it seems to be filled with things that would never fly in an objective court system. I can't tell if it's unrealistic or just how French courts are.

(1 viewing, 3/11/2024)