I had hoped that the remake would address these problems, but it's actually even worse.
In contrast to Argento's colourful movie, Suspiria 2018 is a drab arthouse affair, set in a bleak cold war Berlin and made all the more dull by lots of pretentious waffle, pointless political subtext and an excess of interpretive dance. If watching a roomful of girls writhe and jerk awkwardly in the name of art for the best part of two and a half hours is your idea of fun, then have at it, but I found the majority of the film mind numbingly boring, with the exception of one scene: one of the girls is horribly twisted and bent out of shape, limbs snapping and popping as she is bent into a human pretzel. I wished the same fate on all involved.
Amazingly, I hung in there for the duration - surely it would all make sense in the end - but the finale is even more incomprehensible than all that has gone before, with people inexplicably exploding while naked witches gyrate. All that and a horrible soundtrack with whiny vocals from Thom Yorke. Makes me long for Goblin's Satanic prog-rock racket.
2.5 out of 10, rounded up to 3 for pretzel girl.