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Parting Shots (1998)
Chris Rea's finest moment
Foremost in my mind when approaching Parting Shots was the fact that I had never seen a Michael Winner film before. Nope, not even Death Wish. I was aware of his reputation, though. Tory, tabloid columnist, worst director ever, restaurant critic (most pointless occupation ever). Bearing all this in mind, I was confidently expecting to begin this review with the words, "Michael Winner must die."
But... no can do. It's not that Parting Shots is any good - it's certainly pretty weak stuff, by any standards. It's just that it's nowhere near as unwatchably awful as so many have insisted. I've seen any number of films this year alone that are far worse than this, and the film's dated, 70's cheesiness has a certain naive appeal. Besides, any director who can get John Cleese, Bob Hoskins, Joanna Lumley, Oliver Reed and Diana Rigg, to name but a few, to appear in material of this (sub)standard must have something going for him, surely?
Parting Shots isn't the worst film ever. It's not even the worst film ever to star Bob Hoskins. It's just an utterly harmless instance of a bunch of ageing luvvies getting together, having a few laughs, and making a little film to show the grandkids. Not a menace, just an irrelevance, so ignore it and it'll soon go away.
You fackin' SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!!!!
The new Trainspotting? Let's not get too excited.
The good news is, Lock Stock is an occasionally amusing, cleverly plotted Sahf Landan crime thriller with a fine acting debut from one Vinnie Jones. On the debit side, we have, well, everything else.
The actors are mostly amateurs, and it shows; more importantly, the dialogue is frequently cringemaking, seemingly the work of a 14 year-old Tarantino wannabe from the East End. Throw in the self-consciously trendy visual style and you have a film which reminds you of every 14 year-old Tarantino wannabe in the world; like them, it's not half as cool as it thinks it is.
She's All That (1999)
CONFORM, CITIZEN! CONFOOOOOOOOORM!!!!
High school Jock Number One gets dumped by his prom queen to be! Doh! So the fool bets that he can make a replacement out of the geekiest girl in school.
And this is one helluva geek. For a start, she DOESN'T LIKE DUMB MACHO JOCKS. No, really! And listen, you're gonna love this - SHE WEARS GLASSES!!! I know! And the first time we see her, she TRIPS OVER ON THE STAIRS!!! What a total geek-of-the-week man-eatin' psycho Commie MUTANT, huh? Let's all point at her and LAFF!
Luckily, he redeems her by making her wear contact lenses and pretty dresses. Soon, she'll be just like everyone else. Hallelujah!
God, I hate my generation.