Oh boy, where oh where to begin? First off... the she-assassin in the opening sequence... she was awesome, then she died. She took her terrible secret to the grave. I think she's the only one that knew why anyone would want to be in such a horrible, horrible movie, and now she's dead. Secondly, Christmas Jones. Denise Richards is beautiful, she was great in Drop Dead Gorgeous, but in TWINE, she proves that you do need to actually act to be a Bond girl, a decent one that you don't yell at in the middle of the auditorium wishing she would get blown up... You can't just show up on the set, say "I'm a Bond Girl! Do my make up and now tell me how far you want me to bend over in my tubetop and short-shorts!!! Oh yeah, do I have any lines today?" A good Bond girl is, well... not Christmas Jones. I don't know if it was the character of Christmas or the acting of Denise which sucked. I doubt it's only her dialogue that blows. Third, the dialogue/witty puns/stupid, stupid jokes. There were too many to get into... I thought the innuendos in Bond movies were supposed to be intelligent, obscure... not blatantly obvious and focused on like a US spy satelite focuses on Mararet Thatcher naked on a cold day. They were too obvious, is what I am trying to say... just look at the memorable quotes for this movie and you'll get a sense of what I am talking about... FOURTH... A WASTE OF ANOTHER FABULOUS VILLAIN AND ACTOR... Robert Carlyle plays Renard, and as the trailer gets us all excited about... he's got a bullet lodged in the part of the brain which, as we learned from The Waterboy, is responsible for our aggressive behavior, and at the same time, Renard can't feel anything. Now, after watching the trailer, one would expect to see an incredible fight between Bond and Renard, with Bond repeatedly like, stabbing, shooting, punching, crotch-kicking, something... but, we get nothing. Renard gets some glass stuck in his hand and doesn't realize it...wow. NEAT. I could drink a bunch of vodka and do the same damn thing. This aspect was one of the most disappointing, almost embarrasing... I have never been so upset. Now, the only saving grace in the movie, beside John Cleese and the farewell to Q, is Sophie Marceau... she's attractive... Yay. There's at least fifty or so attractive women in the world. AT LEAST. Why her? Oh, she's French. At least she's not Canadian. Don't see this one. Rent Goldeneye, or, my personal favorite, Octopussy.
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