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Juanita (2019)
9/10
Not a cliche'
12 June 2019
Warning: Spoilers
As a fellow review mentioned, this movie deals with a lot of deep complex issues. The best part to my mind however is the ending. So spoiler alert here



It doesn't end with the romantic-comedy convention of the two star crossed lovers riding off into the sunset. They might, Juanita might complete her journey, return to her love interest and live happily ever after, she might not. The journey, both literally and figuratively, is the important part here.
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3/10
I like porn but...
3 February 2010
OK, I never saw Mary Carey in a porn film till after I saw her on "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew", probably a mistake for my appreciation of her sexual performance.

I have some serious doubt about the ethics of Dr Drew Pinsky televising any medical treatment, and about the ability of addicts to give informed consent for him to do so, but I do think he is trying to effect the best outcome he can for his patients in this situation.

So Mary Carey, having been treated for alcohol abuse, swore off porn. She never did quite get it that she couldn't keep drinking, and kept trying to weasel a way to not give up the sauce.

So, not surprisingly, she had to fall back on porn to make a buck. That in itself is a little sad, but I could live with it. One of my favorite porn stars, Christy Canyon has just returned from her 6th or 7th retirement. What really distresses me is that Mary decided to make a porn parity of her treatment. Had she no respect at all for the effort that was made on her behalf, or no concern for legal risk this might put her in? I should know better, she's an addict, of course not.

Now all of that aside, the sex, with the exception of one scene, was fairly dull. Mary herself stuck to girl-girl which I could care less about. Penny Flame (later a much more successful Patient in "Celebrity Sex Rehab") wins the prize for most ironic performance. The only scene that got a rise out of me was a MMF threesome, ruined in the end by the actors pretending to pass a coke vial during the sex.

I guess I'm getting old, I don't go for porn just for the sheer taboo-breaking nastiness anymore, if I ever did. I like to watch people have sex that they seem to enjoy, I don't need to see anybody spit on, hurt, or verbally abused. If a performer finds that porn is bad for them, I support their decision to stop, no matter how much I may have enjoyed their performances.

For another view on leaving porn check out Penny Flame's blog "Becoming Jennie". Maybe someday Mary Carey can become Mary Beth again.
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3/10
to late dear
28 January 2007
In her first porn incarnation, Tori was Very sexy and exotic. She had a stud in her nose and a crying heart tattooed near her crotch. After two marriages at least to kids and 10 years away, she comes back. Now she seems to have lost her talent at looking turned on, has gain a few too many pounds and way, way too many tattoos. I could lives with the weight gain, (she was after all very thin to start with, so even 40 more pounds brings her up to merely plump, not slovenly), but the walking billboard thing is too much. Maybe she was attempting to remain "exotic" and it takes more to keep up in these days when tattoos and pirceings are commonplace. Whatever, not very hot, distracting, and a little sad.
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Mirage (2004 Video)
3/10
Once again, the curse of Joone!
13 July 2006
And he had nothing to do with this movie. Nevertheless, beautiful women, beautiful scenery, NO SOUND AT ALL! Now I admit Briney Skye has a squeaky annoying voice, but can'rt the girl just moan and not SAY anything? Sex is a total experience. Watching it on screen, you miss a lot (obviously). On film, you CAN have the sight and the sound, that leaves out 3 senses, don't take one of the other 2 I CAN have. It's pretty, there's no anal, no abusive type sex, but not a peep of pleasure, just dreamy sounding music. Half of what they COULD have given us. What is the problem? Why does "Artistic" and "couples friendly" have to mean silent?
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Island Fever 3 (2004 Video)
5/10
Foget slow motion, sound Joone!
12 July 2006
Yes the women are beautiful, the scenery is beautiful, the sex is beautiful (they skip the obligatory anal sex). I can even deal with the slow mo scenes, but can we please HEAR the people involved? I don't care if they speak a word. Give me a grunt, a squeal, a moan let me know they LIKE having sex with each other! This is the third in this series, I haven't seen #2 but I assume it's the same bit, music no people making a sound. Porn sound tracks can get over done with some girl screaming like she's the victim of an ax murdering, but that's what director are for, to tell her to dial it back a bit. Low moans and grunting is fine, don't HIDE the sound from me though.
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I Dream of Jenna (2002 Video)
1/10
The curse of married porn stars
27 January 2006
OK, I'll tell Jenna just like I told Tera Patrick, if you're a porn star, be a porn star, have sex, lots of it with lots of guys. If you don't want to do other guys after you get married, RETIRE. If I wanted to see somebody screw their spouse, it would be ME! If hubby can't deal with you boinking for a living, then he should have married a school teacher. I do not pay this much money for a Jenna Jameson flick to see her have ONE sex scene, (remember, to me girl/girl doesn't count) now admittedly hubby did a decent job, but so what? Porn stars do it 3 or 4 time a movie, with 2 guys at once sometimes! This flick was the one they were promoting on "True Hollywood story", well nice promotion but it was the porn equivalent of "Gili".
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Last Girl Standing (I) (2004 Video)
3/10
Jenn's getting to good for porn
5 September 2005
OK a couple of problems with this. #1 Jenna only does a girl/girl scene. As I've said before, I don't get excited about lesbian scenes so this did nothing for me. #2 We're still in the midst of the all anal all the time era of porn. So we have beautiful women gritting their teeth to endure anal sex they don't want and don't enjoy. #3 hordes of plastic boobs. Why does an oriental woman think I want to see 40 lbs of silicone on her chest? This could have been so much better. The elements that make a porn movie worthwhile in my mind are the enthusiasm of the women and the ability to convince me they are enjoying the sex. Without that it's boring at best. Some of that was evident here but not nearly enough for a big budget entry.
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The Horny Hiker (1995 Video)
6/10
Where was Kelly, and whose hiking?
22 October 2004
I like Kelly O'Dell, and she might have been in this movie but I didn't recognize her. there was no hiking, Two couples go camping and have a fantasy apiece, then go home happy. The last one a 2 men on one woman, was the best. She tell her hired hands "it's been a few months since I had sex and I think I'm just a bit...due." I think after they're through she's set for QUITE awhile. The other scenes are fairly forgettable porn fare. One scene with promise is ruined with the now ubiquitous anal sex. I have no great love of watching women in pain grit their teeth and beg a man to do it harder. The same scene is done by an actress portraying an American Indian woman and she obviously is not. Isn't there another Native American out there willing to have sex on film since Hyapatia Lee quit?
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Tera Tera Tera (2004 Video)
2/10
The Last Tera Patrick movie I'll ever watch
1 August 2004
OK, so Tera finally learned to speak on film. Seems she took 2 years off from the porn biz and got married. Now coming back, she's decided she CAN have sex with girls after all (who cares?) but she can only have heterosexual sex with her hubby. Now in principle I admire monogamy, but you're a PORN STAR honey! That involves sex, lots of it. In general I think people who take their sexual morality this seriously probably shouldn't be in porn flicks. Also, I'm put off by the fact that while she won't do another guy, she will hold hubby's penis while another woman sucks it. All of this I could live with if hubby, one Evan "Spyder Jones" Seinfeld, wasn't a butt ugly, scary looking guy. Tera, I also am bald with a pot belly, minus the prison ink, pick me. I'll let you do other guys on film.

Enough dear, when you decide you want to be a porn star again, call me.
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Not Christy's best, but still good
14 June 2004
This isn't Christy Canyon's best effort. This is after her 3rd or 4th retirement. She has a bad bleach/dye job, and she is showing a little age. That said her sexual performance is as good, and in some ways better than ever before. She gives her oral efforts more attention than usual, one scene being entirely oral, (something not seen much by anyone since the 70s). In her complete sex scene, she appears flushed on the neck and upper chest, apparently from genuine arousal. Her Co-star Marc Davis is muscular and energetic himself, at one point holding her suspended in front of him while he applies a tongue lashing. the other scenes not involving Christy are forgettable.
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Tickled Pink (1993 Video)
3/10
Not what I thought it was
4 June 2004
I bought a boxless copy of this tape, thinking it was the 1986 flick with Taija Rae and Ronda Jo Petty. Turns out this one with the same title was an all girl lick flick with P. J. Sparx and not a penis in sight. As I've mentioned before, I'm the only straight man in America with no lesbian fantasy so it did nothing for me. I gave the tape to some lesbian friends. My friends have often said that most made for straight guys "lesbian" porn, in a word, sucks. They said it "wasn't bad" and that P.J. had a good strap on scene. Could be they were just being polite, but she did say one of the girls "knew what she was doing". If you like boys and girls together, make sure you get the 1986 one.
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Sin City: The Movie (1992 Video)
Not sure what this is, but it isn't sexy
24 March 2004
I like adult films. I like Samantha Strong. You'd think I like this movie, and maybe I do, but I'm pretty sure hate the editor. They took a standard sex film and turned it into a bad Guns and Roses video. I like to hear people when they have sex, music is ok but not oppressively loud. I also like for the camera to stay with the sex long enough to build some desire. This flick bounces from cut to cut, couple to couple. Add to that bad angles, bad lighting and overly fixated oral activity and this is what you get. There are shots that show Sam and the other actors did their bit, some hot shot editor forgot what porn is for. News flash whoever you are, porn is to turn people on, not to serve as a resume for MTV.
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Sexual Instinct (1992 Video)
Multiple sexy scenes
18 March 2004
My summary may seem redundant, after all it's a porn flick, isn't that the point? True, but many pornos, while they have multiple sex scenes many of them aren't "sexy". This is the happy exception. Kim McKamy, using her porn "Nom de Plume" Ashlyn Gere, turns in two unusual ones. In the first she masturbates, that isn't unusual in itself, but she does it like a real woman, not a porn star. She also works up a sweat doing it. In the second she gives a blow Job, without the ubiquitous cum shot. If Peter North couldn't provide or she swallowed, I don't know or care. There are at least 3 other scenes without Ashlyn that turned my gears. A winner anyway you look at it.
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Starbangers 5 (1993 Video)
Interview the hottest part
18 March 2004
This is one of the starbangers series that started with Savannah taking 6 or 8 guys at once. In this one the sturdy and reliable Samantha Strong does the same. I'm not much for More that 3 at a time sex, it tends to end up watching guys butts too much. The best part of this flick is after the sex is over, the camera keeps rolling and the director interviews Samantha. He comments that toward the end she got quite wild and she replies "That was when I was really getting into it". She also says "When you're getting f**ked by 8 guys, you're really gonna get f**ked!" Then he offers to take her to dinner and she declines saying she has to get home to her husband. I don't know why but I found this the most intriguing part of the film. Maybe it's because it shows the actress as a human being rather than just a rutting robot. Sam is a busty girl with a big butt. I love that about her, but she not for the folks that think of Calista Flockhart as their idea of beauty.
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Yes, it's odd, twisted and doesn't make much sense
7 January 2004
That's sort of the point. Some of the negative reviews I've read appear to be by people that know nothing about Hunter S. Thompson. He really is like that. Johnny Depp did a fantastic job of portraying him, it's just that he IS pompous, insane, and all the rest. For those that aren't familar with the man, I can see how he would be unbelievable.
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Good, but why skip the last line?
4 November 2003
I'm not outraged because they used "cars and guns". I was interested that they stuck to the text of the play. Then they punk out and drop Juliet's last line, ("Oh happy dagger, find thy sheath within my bosom"). I understand it was hard to do when the "dagger" was in fact a small caliber pistol, but we'd carried it this far, why not go all the way?
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I Just really like one line
16 September 2003
after a couple of interuptions Farrah finally gets to tell us why she loves trees. "because you can lie under them at night, and look at the stars, and listen to the wind in the leaves, and ball your brains out!" Other than that, who cares?
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Voices in My Bed (1993 Video)
Rare scene
11 August 2003
In all my years of watching hetero porn, I've never seen this. In the opening scene, Aslynn straps on a dildo and takes Tom Byron up the pooper. I was amazed it appeared at all, even more amazed a well known established actor did it. After that the rest was good but not unique. Tom gets his revenge in the end, (pun intended) as Aslynn takes it in the rear. That may be the first time she's done that I'm not sure.
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2/10
depends on how you define sex
22 May 2003
This was the first of the "worlds Biggest Gang Bang" flicks. The hype says Annabel did 200+ guys in it. To me it looked like she had intercourse with 25, sucked off 30, took one up the pooper, and the rest masturbated near her. None of this was hot. Interesting for 5 minutes or so, but not sexy at all.
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Striptease (1996)
Not sexy, not funny, not anything
9 April 2003
Ok, to start with, the buzz on this film was "Demi got $20mill to get naked". that went away and then they said, "It's really funny" I haven't read the book although I did enjoy many of the author's other works. I saw the film, truthfully to see Demi naked, (sue me, I'm a guy) and would have been happy had I gotten that. I'm sorry though 11 seconds of nipple is not worth 20 mil, even if you are married to Burce Willis. the flick is also not funny. If you need to see Miss Moore naked, rent GI Jane.
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Not perfect, but has it's moments
5 November 2002
This series of films is very predictable. Lots of multiple men on women, rarely one on one sex, WAY too much anal sex for my taste, a bent toward somewhat degrading talk about the women. In spite of all this a couple of the scenes had some hot moments. Joyce has a very nice natural body and seems to like sex quite a lot. A busty black girl who's name escapes me did well till the anal part of the action. this is NOT a couples flick, it's what you use to work off your testosterone overload when she told you she had a headache and left the house leaving you with a "hard" time to deal with. Rent don't buy, you don't ever want her to find this.
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That Was Then (2002– )
Stole a plot and did it badly
31 October 2002
The main problem with this show is that it stole it's plot from the WB's "Do Over" and didn't do as well. "Do Over" is both a better comedy AND drama than this lame piece of dung. Watch "Do Over" if you like this show and you'll me stunned. No I don't work for Warner Bros.
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Aria (II) (2001)
Andrew? what happened to the Men?
3 September 2002
As a guy, I'm a bit of a rarity. I outgrew the lesbian fantasy, maybe I know too many real lesbians or something. Anyway to me, porn is about sex. I'm heterosexual and I prefer watching heterosexual sex. Andrew Blake maintains his artsy style, but has only 1 scene involving a man and a woman in this film. If you're into girls doing girls have a good time.
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excuse for a Playboy layout
21 July 2002
The guy in the title role doesn't have a speaking part, does that tell you something? every time the movie get boring which is often, Bo gets naked. Now she cute, and I like seeing her naked, but after a while you feel like "OK Bo, I've seen that, what else can you do?". This movie should have been titled "Jane takes off her clothes".
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One Wife to Give (1989 Video)
10/10
Sweet rarity
11 June 2002
This is a porn flick where someone forgot to tell the director that people that watch porn are freaked out, kinky sick wierdos. It's wonderful! No women grimacing in pain, begging for anal sex they clearly don't want. One male orgasm actually takes place inside where it belongs. The cast is all very attractive and eager. The oral sex Hyapatia gives at the opening looks lovingly applied. Last but not least all of the women have pubic hair! Just a lot of natural sex taking place, they don't make them like this anymore (in truth, they rarely did even then).
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