- Thomas: [Suddenly blinded by a flash] Ah! Why?
- [Thomas steps back and trips on a table. A vase there falls and breaks on the floor. Roman suddenly appears disguised as a posh party member. He keeps talking while Thomas grimaces in fear and silence]
- Roman: Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! No effin' way, dude! Who broke this vase? Who broke this vase? Seriously, guys! Everyone who's here at my awesome party! This huge crowd of people that's *definitely* here right now...
- Virgil: [done with life] Oh, my...
- Roman: Somebody broke my grandma's vase! And that was the last thing she gave me before she died!
- [Patton shows a face of happy 'Whoops']
- Roman: I swear to all things, football and/or skateboarding... that I will find you! Don't make me cry this incredibly manly tears!
- [Logan looks at the scene with condescence]
- Roman: [starts getting out of character, annoyed at Thomas not participating in the scene, while Virgil sighs and facepalms] Anyone can speak-up her and be part of the scene... Especially those of us who aren't imagined and are actually here on the stage, like, not the people who are imagined to be here through means of... suspension of disbelief!
- Logan: I do not understand theater.
- Roman: Very well, I shall continue searching for the culprit in the next room
- Roman: [while getting out of scene] Stephie, do you want to bake some cookies?
- Patton: And scene!
- Prince Roman: [angry, while Thomas mumbles incoherent excuses] Thomas, what was that? I was giving you acting gold and you were giving me nothing! Was it because I didn't use the red Solo cup? I mean, I thought it was cliché, but if it took you out of the moment...
- Logan: Actually! That was an acceptable version of of what is known as a lie of omission. Withholding important information that would help to elucidate the truth.
- [Virgil is seen sweeping the stage and taking the pieces of the broken vase away]
- Prince Roman: But he didn't say anything. Lies of omission are like, "I'm gonna say some things, I'm gonna leave something out!" "Say some things, leave something out."
- Logan: Well, anything may have been important information, so, technically, that's what he did, ergo, valid technique.
- Thomas: Interesting...
- [Roman groans]
- Logan: I will review last night's proceedings, which occured thusly. Thomas was having another mundane evening in, where he whiles away useful waking hours by consuming content he's already watched fifteen and a half times before.
- Thomas: But, like, have you watched "The Office" bloopers?
- Logan: [at first chill, then progressively more and more voice of contained frustration] As a matter of fact, I have watched it fifteen and a half times, because I am a part of you!
- Thomas: I mean, what do I say? The truth is so... bad!
- Logan: Well, the only alternative to the truth is a fabrication in order to ease their concerns.
- [Thomas looks at Logan in silence with a concerned face]
- Logan: [suddenly realizing] Ooooh, that's what you're implying that we should do, isn't it?
- Thomas: [soft voice] Maybe?
- Virgil: [firm voice] Lying is only gonna bring about more trouble, Thomas! You know this!
- Roman: [mocking voice] Then how would you describe all of the acting and performances he's ever done in his life? I mean, that was all *acting* in a way and that wasn't so bad...
- [Roman makes some mocking sounds at Virgil]
- Virgil: [cringing, looking at Roman] Jeez!
- Patton: What if a known murderer came to your house, asking where your friend was so they could kill them. Would you tell the truth then?
- Thomas: [yelling distressed] No, not Joan! Never!
- Thomas: [rising his hands and looking up, screaming] JOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!
- Logan: [chill voice] He seems to like his friends...
- Thomas: Okay, but I just don't know if I can lie to Joan.
- Logan: Of course you can. You simply speak as you normally would, except that rather than communicating information, or an idea, let me know if I lose you, you communicate a falsehood.
- Thomas: No, I... I understand that I can functionally lie. I just don't think that I can lie to Joan without feeling like a big jerk.
- Roman: [switching to Joan's form] Maybe you just need practice!
- Thomas: [jumping backwards scared] Joan, don't hate me!
- Roman: Sorry, it's still me...
- Roman: [with his normal voice] ... Prince Roman...
- Roman: [back to Joan's voice] I just thought maybe we could try out lying to Joan to see how it feels. I mean, what the heck did we establish this whole shape-shifting for if we're never going to use it?
- Thomas: No! That's not a plan! You're not Joan! I don't know how they'd react and I'd be lying to their face several times? That's just a punishment!
- Virgil: Well, if you're considering lying to Joan, maybe you deserve to be punished.
- [Thomas looks at Virgil whining with a poutty face]
- Logan: Thomas has a point. If we truly are considering distorting Joan's reality as a means to our end, we might need a strategy.
- Thomas: [mixed voice of annoyance and shame] Would you stop phrasing it that way?
- Logan: [checking his vocabulary cards] That is literally what is happening here, Thomas.
- Logan: [showing a vocab card] "DWI".
- Roman: Driving While Intoxicated.
- Logan: No...? Deal With It.
- Roman: [rapping] Lights up on Roman disguised as Joan inside your brain. I wake up, and I gotta try to train my guy to lie to Jane!
- Thomas: Stop... wait, Jane?
- Roman: Joan didn't rhyme there!
- Roman: [switching back to his normal form] Welcome to the Mind Palace Theater, Thomas. Starring me, Roman, for one night Joan-ly!
- Thomas: [fangirling reading the program] Wait, Hugh Jackman is in this?
- Roman: No, his understudy is going on tonight.
- Thomas: [frowning] Who is his understudy?
- Roman: [squealing and twirling] Meeeeee!
- Thomas: [dissapointed] Of course...
- Roman: But let's not forget all of the people making this possible! Logan, our stage manager SLASH drama-turd!
- Logan: [frowning] The correct pronunciation is dramaturg, the researcher of the plays and operas being put on.
- Roman: That's why you got the job, buddy. Also, can't forget our awesome hardworking techie, Virgil! Our utterly delightful go-between for the operation of the lights, the set, the costumes, the props, the actors...
- Virgil: [anxiously, putting his hands in his head] So many things!
- Roman: And Patton is our amazing...
- Patton: ...director!
- Roman: What? No! I am the actor, director and writer! I'm basically Orson Welles!
- Patton: [impersonating Roger Rabbit] Awww, p-r-r-r-r-leaaase? Right, you know how I love cartoons?
- Thomas: [imperative] Let him be director.
- Roman: We need an audience, Thomas! Theater is literally not theater without an audience to laugh when I say something funny and clap when I do something awesome!
- Thomas: You know he'll still do those things. Come on.
- Roman: [annoyed] Fine! Patton...
- Roman: [sighs] You'll be director...
- Patton: Yay!
- Roman: [with a squeaking falsetto voice] Thoooomaaaaas! It's Mother's Day, and I'm wondering where my little gifty-wifty is from my cutie oopsy-poopsy pants. Emphasis on the "oopsy" because you were a mistake.
- Thomas: [after a moment of silence] I have several questions here! Uh, umm...
- Thomas: [with British accent] Are you my mommy?
- Logan: [suddenly excited] "Doctor Who" reference? Fantastic!
- Patton: Thomas? I didn't love your approach to the character.
- Thomas: Patton?
- Patton: I mean I'm sure that could've gonne better, huh, guys? Yeah?
- Thomas: Okay, but that's not actually what would happen.
- Roman: Oh, I'm... I'm sorry, Thomas, do you know how any and all future events will play out, should they come to pass?
- Thomas: Well, obviously I don't, but I...
- Roman: Logan, does Thomas have that information?
- Logan: No, he doesn't.
- Roman: Didn't think so! All right, let's run again from the top, with more feeling this time!
- Virgil: I thought Patton was the director!
- Roman: Ah, right, right!
- Roman: [whispering] Patton, could you tell us to run again from the top with more feeling this time?
- Patton: Oh, sure! Let's run it again from the to...
- [Roman continues the scene without letting Patton finish the phrase]
- [Roman in Joan's form is dressed portraying Thomas' mother]
- Roman: Have you come bearing Mother's Day gifts?
- Thomas: Oh! Um... Agh! Darn! Um... I was on my way here, to get you your gift... but, uh, it got lost.
- Roman: [over the top] Oh, goodness! How?
- Thomas: W-uh... Uh... oh! A homeless lady... um... ate it!
- Virgil: What?
- Roman: What? Why?
- Thomas: I... uh... left it on a free food counter, like a doofus, and uh, she mistook it for a free food sample and ate it.
- Roman: Oh, poor thing! Was she hungry?
- Thomas: Very hungry! That's why I bought her lunch! Uh, we exchanged information and she told me she would call me on a payphone when the gift later, um... resurfaces...
- Virgil: What the f...?
- Roman: No, thank you then! I don't want it anymore. But it's the thought that counts.
- Roman: [kissing Thomas] I love you!
- Patton: And scene!
- Patton: [applauding] Brilliant!
- Thomas, Virgil: [unbelieving] Really?
- Roman: [portraying a little child] Mista Thomas, whewe do babies come fwom?
- Thomas: [distressed] Whoah! No, no! We are not doing this one!
- Roman: [breaking out of character] Wha...? Adults do this all the time!
- Thomas: [more distressed, waving his hands] We are not going there! No!
- Patton: Yeah, everyone knows where babies come from!
- Patton: [low voice] Messenger falcons.
- Roman: [switching to his normal form but still wearing the child outfit] Well, all right, okay! I wasn't feeling in character anyway...
- Roman: [squeaking voice, yelling] ... because I don't have MY SIPPY CUP!
- Virgil: [whispering anxiously] I don't know where it is!
- Roman: [yelling] WHERE IS MY SIPPY CUP, TECH?
- Virgil: It was... It was on the prop table! Did you move it?
- Roman: [yelling] No, I did not move it! I have been acting this whole time! When would I have time to move it?
- Logan: Virge, hurry!
- Virgil: [running away] Stall for time!
- Patton: What is happening back there?
- Virgil: [running back with the sippy cup in his hand] It was in the green room! What was it doing there?
- Roman: [smiles] Oh, that's right! I *did* move it!
- Roman: [chuckles] I'm so silly! I'm so silly!
- [Virgil looks at Roman with a murderous face and huffs while giving him the cup]
- Roman: Well... All's well that ends well, I suppose.
- Thomas: That did not end well.
- Roman: [annoyed] Could you like, not? Like... rub it in? Because, sure, I'll admit it: it did not end well!
- Logan: I thought it went well.
- Virgil: [unbelieving] You did?
- Logan: Well, I really don't know. Every theatrical performance is the same to me.
- Logan: [reciting] Wether it's "The Lion King" or the Wiz"... You can consider me one of "Les Mis".
- Roman: [sighs annoyed] You're atacking theater, but that was a strong couplet.
- Logan: Thank you.
- Roman: I have to know. Was that trochaic octameter?
- Logan: Iambic pentameter.
- Roman: [still frowning, but whispering in delight] Classic!
- Patton: Virgil, buddy, uh, I know you weren't too keen on it at first, but, come on! Could you stand to lose the support of one of Thomas' friends?
- Virgil: [looking coldly at him] Well, yeah, Thomas' friends make me feel more at ease... but Thomas lying would make me just as uneasy. And anyone who doesn't understand that should just shut up!
- Thomas: Woah, now!
- Patton: [looking at Virgil with a mixed face of surprise and sadness] Virgil? It's me! Aren't we friends?
- Virgil: [looking suspiciously at Patton] I'm not so sure we are...
- Patton: [slightly nervous] Thomas! I know this sounds backwards, but sometimes... lying is good!
- Roman: Mmm... but you said before...
- Patton: I know what I said! It doesn't matter! In this situation, it is the right thing to do... period!
- Thomas: Patton, no...
- Patton: [annoyed] Yes!
- Thomas: You're wrong on this one, buddy. I think what I need to do is accept the true course of action. If I've made a mistake, it's better for me to own up to it. I'm thankful that you all helped to guide me through these other options, because it helped me to arrive at this conclusion. I need to tell the truth here. And it might... hurt to do that... but... whatever happens, happens.
- Patton: [suddenly switching to a cold sarcastic voice, slowly clapping his hands] Wow, I'm so proud of you, Thomas. You're so mature.
- Thomas: [confused] Thank... you...?
- Virgil: [looking at Patton with a face of anger] I knew something smelled fishy here!
- Logan: I also smell it. I told Thomas to take the trash out.
- Virgil: No, I... It does smell bad, but I was talking about Patton.
- Logan: [understanding] Oh, oh, oh... You mean how he's clearly...
- [Patton rises his hand. Logan covers his own mouth and muffles]
- Roman: Ooohh... I get it now...
- Thomas: [scared] I don't! What is happening?
- Roman: [looking at Patton and mumbling] You have to give us permission first...
- Virgil: There are sides to everyone that they'd prefer not to know about. But you are the boss, Thomas. Any information you want to know, you can know. You just... have to be open to hearing it.
- Roman: In other words... would you like to learn something new about yourself, Thomas?
- [Logan nods still covering his mouth with his hand]
- Thomas: [unsettled, looking at the Sides] I don't... know...
- Patton: [mocking at Thomas with an evil face] Oooh, I don't know either, Thomas! You might not like what you find.
- Thomas: [takes a determined breath] Fine! Tell me!
- Logan: [Logan uncovers his mouth and points at Patton, then yelling] DECEIT!
- [Suddenly Patton transforms into Deceit. He wears a Victorian outfit with a bowler hat, a black cape and bright yellow gloves. His face is half normal, half of a snake, with an eye with a yellow iris and slitted pupil and the eyelid of a calloused pink skin, the face from the forehead to the chin covered in greenish scales and a scar that crosses the chin from the corner of the mouth to the ear. He smiles evilly]
- Thomas: [noticing the change, he jumps backwards] WHAT? Deceit?
- Deceit: [with a sly voice] Who's she? Never heard of her?
- Roman: Oh, I hate this guy and his creepy... snake face! However, he is very kind.
- Deceit: [sarcastically] Love the new outfit, Roman...
- Roman: [not getting the irony, smiling] Thank you...
- [Logan starts making a gesture to Roman negating, but decides to let it go]
- Deceit: And Virgil, I *adore* the more intense eyeshadow. It totally doesn't make you look like a raccoon.
- Virgil: [sarcastic smile] Nice gloves. Did you just finish washing some dishes?
- Deceit: Yes...
- Thomas: [about Deceit] Why didn't I know about him until now?
- Virgil: He... had you convinced you're an honest person.
- Thomas: [mixed face of concern and sadness] But I... *am* an honest person.
- Deceit: [sly and dangerously sweet voice] Oh, you are, Thomas, you are a good person. Everybody says so.
- Logan: Nobody is a completely honest person.
- Thomas: I... try to be.
- Logan: That's a more honest statement.
- [...]
- Logan: Very few people are always honest one hundred percent of the time. They're a very rare breed.
- Thomas: So what, he made me think I'm a completely honest person so I didn't know he existed?
- Logan: You place distance between who you are and the lies that you tell. He is responsible for your doing so.
- Thomas: Why didn't you guys tell me?
- Roman: If you really don't want to know something, he... can keep our mouths shut.
- Thomas: [frowning at Deceit] I can't believe that I fooled myself like that.
- Logan: You don't want to believe it. That's where his power comes from. Things that you want to believe. Things that you wish were true.
- [pointing at Deceit]
- Logan: And things that you wish weren't.
- Deceit: What you don't know can't hurt you.
- Logan: [frowning at Deceit] Falsehood! Knowledge is an incomparably valuable multi-purpose tool that is instrumental in identifying and solving any problem!
- Logan: [to Thomas] If you're worried about getting hurt, then seek knowledge. It is our greatest weapon... and our greatest defense.
- Thomas: Wow, Logan, that's... That was really lovely... And speaking about seeking knowledge...
- Thomas: [yelling at Deceit] WHERE IS PATTON?
- Roman: [also yelling] HOW DARE YOU STAND WHERE HE STOOD?
- Deceit: [Deceit laughs evilly at Thomas] You foolish dummy... I am, and always *have* been Patton!
- [Deceit laughs evilly again]
- Thomas: [yelling, his voice cracks] WHAT?
- Roman: [facepalm] Jezz... No.
- Deceit: [ferocious face and cold voice] You have no morality!
- [Thomas has a nervous breakdown, and moans and cries in panic, looking in desperation in all directions not knowing what to do]
- Logan: [trying to calm him down] He... he's lying...
- Deceit: [smiling evilly] Sorry to break it to you but...
- [Suddenly something hits Deceit from below, pushing him up several times, and Patton's voice is heard muffling]
- Patton: Aw! Oh, my head...
- Deceit: Aw! Oh, that hurt!
- Patton: Agh! Okay!
- Deceit: I mean, it didn't hurt me. At all. Aw!
- Patton: [Patton finally rises up next to Deceit, smiling. Deceit shows a face of annoyance] Hey! Ummmm... you're in my spot.
- Thomas: [yelling with a wide smile of happiness and relief] PATTON!
- [after seeing Patton, Virgil's face lights up and he shows a tender smile of happiness]
- Deceit: [frowning] Well this all went according to plan...
- Logan: Surely it didn't!
- Roman: Get out of here, Jack the Fibber!
- Deceit: [while sinking down with a malevolent smile] All right, but you've seen the last of me...
- Patton: [waving happily] Bye!
- Thomas: [happy] Patton, I'm so glad that you're back!
- Patton: [getting in his usual position, giggling] So glad that my back what? Finish your sentences, Thomas!
- [Virgil let's go a little laugh and gives a loving smile to Patton]
- Roman: Wait, how do we know this is the real Patton? Maybe this is another one of Deceit's tricks!
- Virgil: Oh, my... enough twists!
- Thomas: Uh... Quick! How do you feel about lying!
- Patton: [affected frowning] It's wrong!
- Logan: [with a Sherlock hat] Exactly what Deceit would say...
- Patton: [smiling again] ... with some rare exceptions! Uh, someone once posed a dilemma to Plato. What if a known murderer came to your house and...
- Thomas: Yep, we've already been over this.
- Logan: Yes, and that was Kant.
- Patton: Woah! Good night, everybody!
- Logan: [sighs] No... Immanuel Kant, K-A-N-T.
- Patton: Wow, I "kant" believe you're doubting me on this.
- Patton: [chuckles] I know my Plato. I've been eating it since I was, like, five!
- Logan: [confused] Eating Plato?
- Patton: [Realizing Patton means Play Dough, not Plato] Oh, goodness! Are you talking about the non-toxic modeling compound?
- Patton: Is there any other kind?
- Virgil: [concerned] That's for playing, not eating!
- Patton: Mama told me to never play with my food.
- Roman: Definitely Patton.
- Thomas: [sad] Guys... Deceit told me that I was a good person. Does that mean I was... lying to myself? Am I... Am I actually a bad person?
- Patton: You know, kiddo? I don't think you are. I think maybe in that moment you honestly believed you were a bad person.
- Logan: But belief doesn't always translate to reality.
- Thomas: [a bit relieved] Thanks, guys.
- Logan: Also, the concepts of good and bad are arguably meaningless, because we can assign any preferred characteristics to either...
- Virgil: [making Logan a gesture with his finger to shut up] Not a good time, Logan.
- Logan: Okay, sorry... stop...
- Roman: Oh! And! And-and! You decided to tell the truth even before Deceit was unmasked... like a frigging... "Scooby Doo" villain.
- Thomas: Guess that was the real Patton shining through.
- Patton: Shining through? But I'm not a sun! I'm a dad!
- [makes a gesture of drum beating]
- Logan: [sighs] Oho... Maybe Deceit wasn't so bad...
- Patton: Kiddo, simply put, Deceit is an inner coach that acts with the one intention of self-preservation.
- Thomas: Well, this time around, I'm gonna tune out that inner coach and... set things right. But, before I do, um... one more question. Are there any other Sides that Deceit has hidden away from me?
- Patton: [after a short pause] Yes...
- Roman: The Dark Sides...
- [Virgil sighs and nods]
- Thomas: [slightly sad] That's... not the answer that I wanted, in full honesty.
- Roman: [smiling proud of himself] I made that name up. It's pretty cool, right?
- Thomas: Nice and foreboding, thank you.
- [last lines]
- Thomas: [to the phone] Hey, Joan?
- Joan: [voice from the phone] Hey, dude.
- Thomas: About last night, um...
- [pause while cringing and gathering strength to speak]
- Thomas: I totally forgot! I'm so sorry! I didn't remember until midway through this outing I was at, and...
- Joan: [unconcerned] Oh, yeah, it's chill.
- Thomas: [surprised] Really? Bu... but... It was a one-night show you had and it...
- Joan: Yeah, it was just a reading.
- Thomas: But... the text sounded so serious...
- Joan: I literally typed out "F Word Face". Is that... is that serious in your world? Is that a serious person thing?
- Thomas: Oh... well... I... I clearly misinterpreted the tone.
- [Thomas chuckles]
- Joan: No, but seriously, it's... it's totally okay. I just... I just hope you didn't do that thing that you do sometimes where you freak out and stand in the middle of your living room and talk to yourself for twenty minutes.
- Thomas: [nervous laughter] Uh... no... I did not do that...
- [Thomas laughs. Suddenly Deceit appears looking at him joining evilly in his laugh. Thomas stops laughing at looks at him unsettled]
- Thomas: [to Joan, while frowning at Deceit] You know what? Yes, I did.
- Deceit: [frowning] Oh, shoot!
- Deceit: [to the camera, breaking the fourth wall] Well, since I'm here, I might as well present to you a couple musical puns based all around Deceit. "Lies and Dolls", "Lyin' King", "Fibber on the Roof", "Fibbin", "Jeckyll and Lie"; totally not partial to that one; "Forgery-Second Street", "Willy Wonka and the Alternative Fact-ory", "Damn Yankin' Your Chain-ees", "The Fraud Couple", "Full of Shi-cago", "Lie, Lie, Birdie", "Miss Lie-Gon", "How to Succeed in Bussiness Without Really Lying", "The Untruthers"... "The Producers", I think that was my strongest one.
- Deceit: [frowning with a little face of disgust] That was fun. This was a fun video. I'm so glad I did this...