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The 69th Primetime Emmy Awards (2017) Poster

(2017 TV Special)

Quotes

Showing all 8 items

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Welcome to the 69th Emmy Awards. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. This...

[applause]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Thank you very much. This is exciting! Can you feel? This is TV's highest honors. Us celebrating us.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Tonight, we binge ourselves.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Can you feel it? This room is crackling with a collective energy of people who, for the last forty-eight hours, have consumed nothing but distilled water and Crest White Strips.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: All the nominees look so beautiful this evening. So happy. So hopeful. Just a reminder, if you do win, don't forget to thank everyone who helped you get up here. Mainly "Game of Thrones", for not being eligible this year.

[laughter and applause]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Now, personally, I have to take a moment here to thank CBS chairman Leslie Moonves. I literally have to thank him. It's in my contract. Unfortunately, Les could not be here tonight to receive my gratitude, so I accept it on his behalf.

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Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Well, what a year it has been for television. I mean, the industry is booming. There are over 450 original scripted shows made this year. Of course, there's no way anyone could possibly watch that much TV, other than the president, who seems to have a lot of time for that sort of thing.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Hello, sir, thank you for joining us. Looking forward to the tweets. And there have never been more platforms to get your TV than right now. You have, uh... you have broadcast, uh... you have cable, you have Amazon, you have YouTube, uh... Hulu, voodoo, Netflix, Vitamix. You have Vimio. You have Twitch, you have Crackle, Crunchle, Bumble. Twerk, glorp, flerp, Uber Eyeball.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: And Dintymorestew.com.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Oh, yes. It's gonna be in the trades tomorrow. Dintymore has a ten-episode deal with Martin Scorsese. Rumor is Liev Schreiber is playing a brooding chunk of meat.

[laughter, as the camera focus on Schreiber's amused reaction]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Yes. Just like that, but with carrots and potatoes around him.

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Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Of course, these days, everybody loves streaming video. Just ask Ted Cruz.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: But knock first. You don't want to just walk in.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Netflix alone raked in 92 Emmy nominations this year.

[applause]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Yeah, sure. Why not? And may I remind you, five years ago, their hottest show was a scratched DVD of "Finding Nemo".

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Now we've got amazing shows, like "Stranger Things". Millie Bobby Brown is here tonight.

[applause]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: She's amazing in that show, proving once and for all that there are roles in Hollywood for women over twelve.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Of course, premium cable still has a ton of great shows. I am sure HBO will take home a lot of Emmys tonight, which they'll have to melt down to pay for next year's hacker ransom.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Too soon?

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Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Broadcast TV also had its triumphs this year. Remember broadcast? The TV OG?

[applause]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Where it started. Broadcast TV is breaking new ground. In fact, this season, CBS will have twice as many Sheldons as any other network in history.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: All the broadcast networks have put out great shows this past year, like "This Is Us".

[applause]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Incredible. But seriously, Milo, you're gonna die this season, right?

[laughter, as the camera focus on Milo Ventimiglia, who gives a non-committal shrug]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Just give us a hint. You slip in a bathtub? Is it bad clams? Are you mauled by a circus lion in a convenience store? What happens? I'm just... I'm just saying your fans want to see you dead.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: It's a compliment.

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Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: And this has been a great year for diversity in television. In fact...

[applause]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: ...for the third year in a row, this is the most diverse group of nominees in Emmy history.

[applause]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: That's impressive. I did not know you could applaud while patting yourself on the back at the same time. Well done. Lovely job. And there are so many talented African-American nominees.

[the camera focus on each one as he names them off]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Jeffrey Wright, Viola Davis, Samira Wiley, Uzo Aduba, Anthony Anderson from ABC's "Black-ish". And, of course, Bill Maher.

[groans and laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: I, uh... I assume he's black since he's so comfortable using the "N" word.

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Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: If we're honest with ourselves, and as artists, I think we have to be honest with ourselves, we know that the biggest TV star of the last year is Donald Trump.

[scattered whoops and hollers]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Yeah. No, you may not like it. He's the biggest star. You know, and Alec Baldwin, obviously.

[laughter and applause, as the camera focus on Baldwin]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: You know. You guys are neck and neck. And Alec, you're up against a lot of neck.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: And however you feel about the president, and you do feel about the president, you can't deny that every show was influenced by Donald Trump in some way. All the late night shows, obviously. "House of Cards", the new season of "American Horror Story", and course, next year's Latin Grammys, hosted by Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: Muy caliente.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: And we all know the Emmys mean a lot to Donald Trump, because he was nominated multiple times for "Celebrity Apprentice", but he never won. Why didn't you give him an Emmy? I tell you this, if he had won an Emmy, I bet he wouldn't have run for president.

[laughter]

Himself - Host & Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series and Outstanding Variety Talk Series: So, in a way, this is all your fault. What... why... I thought you guys loved morally compromised anti-heroes. You like Walter White; he's just Walter Much Whiter.

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Himself - Presenter: Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Movie & Winner: Winner: Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series or Movie: One of our executive producers sadly isn't with us anymore. He single-handedly changed television: the late, great James Gandolfini.

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Himself - Nominated: Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series / Outstanding Comedy Series / Winner: Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series & Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series: I want to thank Trump for making black people number one on the most-oppressed list, he's probably the reason I'm up here.

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