The Hatton Garden Job (2017)
Teen On Bus: What are you looking at, grandad?
Brian Reader: Just a couple of cartoon characters.
[Terry is telling a long joke about a man who is walking on a pier when he meets an attractive woman in a wheelchair. She is crying. She tells him that she has never been hugged, so he hugs her. She tells him that she has never been kissed, so he kisses her]
Terry Perkins: This bird should be floating on air, right. But no...
Kenny Collins: She's crying again.
Terry Perkins: Bingo! Floods of it. Now, look, this bloke's getting a bit frustrated, now, isn't he? I mean, he's just spent five minutes of his life on this, which he's not going to get back, and he still hasn't managed to cheer her up!
Danny Jones: I know the feeling.
Terry Perkins: So he asks her again, "Now, come on, darling. What's the matter with you? What are you crying about?" There's a pause. Then she looks up to him and she says, "Well, I've never been fucked."
Kenny Collins: So? What? What happened? What does he do?
Terry Perkins: Well, beautiful night, huh? No-one around, empty pier. What do you think he's going to do, eh? Yeah, he pushes her off the end of the pier, she drops down into the drink 50 foot. He looks over - there she is, bobbing up and down in the wheelchair like a cork. And he calls out to her, "Well, now you are *completely* fucked, aren't you?"
XXX: [voiceover introduction] The way I see it, "luck" is what happens when perparation meets opportunity. If you find this is out of reach, there's only one thing you can do: steal it!
[Brian and his mates are having a quiet drink in a pub and some teenagers on the neighbouring table are being noisy and become abusive when Terry asks them to be a bit quieter. Brian confronts one of the lads]
Brian Reader: You seem like a smart young lad. You want to play a game with me? Nothing physical. I mean, I struggle to get my shoes on these days, let alone battling with lumps like you.
Isaac: All right. What kind of game?
Brian Reader: So, I've got one question for you. Now this is not just any old question. This one requires a lot of thought. You get it right and I'll buy you and your buddies a round of shots, and you can make as much noise as you like, and I'll take my miserable old mates over to the corner.
Isaac's Mate: What if he get it wrong?
Brian Reader: Then you have to apologise to my good friend here.
Isaac: Yeah. All right. This will be the easiest drink I've ever earned.
Brian Reader: OK. You get one chance to answer. So here's your question. "The man who invented it... didn't want it. The man who bought it... didn't need it. The man who needs it... doesn't know it. What is it?"
Isaac: Can you repeat that?
Brian Reader: No. Come on. What's that clever brain of yours telling you?
Isaac: I don't know. What? What is it?
Brian Reader: A coffin.
Isaac's Mate: Nice one!
Isaac: [grinning] Right. I guess I'd better get these old chaps a few drinks.