Crone Wood

I was (again) fooled into watching this movie after not noticing only 4 people had reviewed it, hence the positive grade. It's simply terrible.

Boy meets girl and she challenges him into spending a night in the woods. Their chemistry is great, the acting is very genuine and I felt really curious about what expected them in Crone Wood.

The mood is reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project and, even if I don't particularly like found-footage, they pull it off reasonably. But as soon as we understand what's going on, the movie takes a turn for the worse.

The performances of every actor other that the main two are terrible. The explanation to what's going on is interesting enough, but it's no different that another very famous horror movie which is a hundred times better than this one. The whole thing get's too ridiculous to watch on the final 10 minutes and the ending is equally stupid.

I am annoyed to have spent yet another hour and a half watching a poor movie, indie or not, I don't care, you just can't make a bad movie and call it indie to make it look better. Don't waste your time on this, go watch something, anything else.

Two newly met people decide to drive many many miles to camp to camp in some dodgy forest after meeting the previous day I think. Why didn't they just get a hotel?. Firstly the two leads. The girl (Hailey) I kinda liked her. She was believable to a point. The guy (Danny) I had some issues with. I didn't like his head. It was far to big for his body with the expanding upward hair and regulation beard it made him look like Juan Mata (Man Utd). What a wimp also. The setting was sinister enough but that would be any forest at 2.30a.m.. I felt it captured my attention until they meet that group of weird women out of nowhere. Film descends into the ridiculous.

What can you do with the found footage genre that hasn't been done. Not a lot. But this Irish hand held horror makes a good fist of treading new ground. First off the main characters : we don't know a lot about them but with some strong direction and subtle performances we feel like we know them and what's more like them. So after some first day together tom foolery the characters spend together the sense of dread just rises and rises as they head for a day in the forested mountains and the infamous Hellfire club. For a change we don't want the characters to die. They are funny sweet and human and doomed.

The atmosphere builds slowly and the pressure is released just at the right time, (without giving too much away) gears are switched on you and its a ride you can't get off. The story pulls the characters further and further down a rabbit hole full of twists and turns. Comparisons with The Blair Witch are obvious but its more towards the original Wicker Man that this film looks for its inspiration. If its cheap scares your looking for you won't find them here. Everything is set up and boiled until just right. Well worth a watch.

And to be fair they did well with what little budget there is.

Lots of hot Irish ladies and some quite icky scenes - the one with the girl sticking her finger up and licking was quite a yuck upchuck moment and the acting is more competent than most of the stalk and slash college student horror fair coming out of US film studios in the last few years and being Scottish I am biased for my kindred Irish brothers and sisters and their unique style!

This is definitely a film for the feminists and although it does not have much in the way of actual horror and has none of the pervading creepiness of the real Wicker Man and the ending is rather disappointing, it is a valiant effort so gets a fair 4/10 hatchets from me!

Story: 0.25/2 - Direction & Pace 0.25 & 0.25/4 - Performances 0.75/2 - Entertainment: 0.25/2

Total 1.75/10

Crone Wood - or should we say, the unholy union of The Wicker Man and The Blair Witch Project? It's a Frankenstein's monster stitched together from good intentions but lacking the surgeon's finesse. This film embodies what happens when you have a bright idea after a late-night horror movie marathon and an abundance of hubris but none of the skill to execute it.

The most glaring sin of the script is laziness. Writers nudging the protagonist along like a puppet on strings? Nothing he does is of his own free will. He's guided through the day by a woman professing love. It's insulting when, at the ritual, they proclaim he's done all of this out of his own free will. It smacks of lackadaisical structuring.

Now, let's talk about the missing village kids. The premise orbits around the Green Man and the Witches trying to perpetuate their community with little ones, yet the playgrounds are empty. Someone forgot to hire child actors, maybe? When the Green Man boasts of a job well done, I'd contest that, given the lack of pitter-pattering ankle-biters echoing through those woods - though it was a commendable premise.

Supposed amateur enthusiasts capture the story on their handheld video cameras. It's a choice as perplexing as it is agonizing. A directorial preference to showcase bad filmmaking as intentional is as bold as it is misguided. It's almost like they said, "Why bother with second takes? Let's throw it together and call it avant-garde!" Embracing the warts-and-all approach to filmmaking might've been novel if it didn't feel like watching someone's terrible home videos - and not the heartwarming kind, mind you. Most amateur filmmakers would sooner poke out their eyes than release something resembling this mess. Scenes drag like a tortoise with a limp, and the pace is non-existent. Brace yourself for boredom with a side of frustration.

The performances deserve a reluctant golf clap - they exist, albeit in the murky depths of mediocrity. The cast seems to have had a jolly time rambling through the woods. Alas, the joy doesn't translate to the screen.

"Stay Away! Don't Watch!" Please consider this the most earnest advice I can dispense. Your time is precious - Don't fling it haphazardly into Crone Wood's profound abyss. Mercifully spare yourself and revisit The Wicker Man; it's a masterclass when justly compared to this horror misfire.