Galavant (TV Series)

Giants vs. Dwarves (2016)

Joshua Sasse: Galavant

Quotes 

• King Richard : You know how today we're heading into The Land of the Giants to offer them the Jewel of Valencia in exchange for joining our quest to save Princess Isabella?

  Galavant : Yes, we discussed it last night in great detail. There's no need for your clunky exposition.

• [Richard announces he has traded the Jewel of Valencia for a "dragon" - which is actually a small lizard] 

  King Richard : Can you believe it? Imagine how our foes will run in terror! Well, I mean, once he grows a little. I'm going to call him Tad Cooper. A name that evokes strength and valor and bravery. What do you think?

  Galavant : I think you're a complete idiot, and you're taking it back. Now.

  King Richard : [crestfallen]  But no, I... I can't. I pinky swore and said "no backsies."

• King Richard : Do you believe that Tad Cooper is *actually* a dragon?

  Galavant : I believe you believe he is.

• [King Richard hovers over Galavant to awaken him] 

  King Richard : Galavant, wake up! I have incredible news!

  Galavant : Ooof. Is that news that you misplaced your toothbrush?

• King Richard : I admit I'm on a bit of an unlucky streak, but I am destined for great things. You'll see.

  Galavant : You have about as much chance of great things as that *lizard* does of breathing fire.

  King Richard : It's a dragon, and it can breathe fire. Show him, Tad Cooper! Show him! Come on.

  [Richard holds up a docile lizard in his hand which does nothing] 

• Galavant : The perfect pair. A dragon that isn't a dragon and a king that isn't a king.

• Galavant : He lost the Jewel of Valencia!

  King Richard : He doesn't believe in my dragon!

  Roberta : Wait, what? Dragon?

  [Richard pulls Tad Cooper from his satchel] 

  Roberta : I'm sorry, that's not a lizard?

  King Richard : Don't. Not you too.

• Roberta : These guys seem really serious about killing each other. Don't you see how ridiculous this is? Do you really wanna die in a battle this ludicrous?

  Galavant : If it gets me a shot at Richard, yes!

  King Richard : Ditto, big boy! Let's go to war!

• King Richard : I'm gonna kill me a giant.

  Galavant : Bring it... you dwarf!

• Roberta : You've been so busy arguing this whole journey that you can't see that you actually need each other.

  Galavant : Huh, please! I do not need him.

  Roberta : What's been your sole purpose this entire time, huh?

  Galavant : I'm trying to rouse an army to rescue Isabella.

  Roberta : Hmmm. And how many men have you got to join your quest? One.

  King Richard : You got someone to join you? Who is it, do I know him?

  Galavant : You, Richard. She's talking about you.

• Galavant : I'm sorry, I've been using so many horrible words to describe you that I've forgotten the one that describes you best.

  King Richard : Musky?

  Galavant : Loyal.

• King Richard : You know how today we're heading into the land of the Giants to offer them the Jewel of Valencia in exchange for joining our quest to save Princess Isabella?

  Galavant : Yes, we discussed it last night in great detail. There's no need for your clunky exposition.

  King Richard : Well, I have managed to trade the jewel for something even better than an army.

  Galavant : You traded the jewel?

  King Richard : Yep. For a dragon!

  [Richard brings out the "dragon" - which is actually a small iguana] 

  King Richard : Can you believe it? Imagine how our foes will run in terror! Well, I mean, once he grows a little. I'm going to call him Tad Cooper, a name that evokes strength and valor and bravery. What do you think?

  Galavant : I think you're a complete idiot, and you're taking it back. Now.

  King Richard : [crestfallen]  But... no, I can't. I pinky swore and said, "No backsies."