What We Do in the Shadows (2014)
Deacon: I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool.
Vladislav: I think of it like this. If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it.
Viago: Yeah some of our clothes are from victims. You might bite someone and then, you think, 'Oooh, those are some nice pants!'.
Vladislav: Leave me to do my dark bidding on the internet!
Viago: What are you bidding on?
Vladislav: I am bidding on a table.
Anton, werewolf: [to all the werewolves] What are we? We're...
Anton, werewolf: We're Werewolves, not Swear-Wolves.
Stu: [Showing the vampires Google] Anything you want to find you type it in.
Viago: I lost a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.
Deacon: Yes, now Google it.
Vladislav: You will not eat Stu and you will not eat the camera guy...
Vladislav: Maybe one camera guy.
Deacon: When you are a vampire you become very... , sexy!
Deacon: One day I was selling my wears, and I walked passed this old creepy castle. And I look at it and think, "'very old and creepy". And then this creature... flies at me! It dragged me back to this dark dungeon. And bit into my neck. And just at the point of death; this creature forced me to suck its foul blood. And then it opened it's wings, like this. And hovered above me. Screeching. 'Now you are vampire.' And it was Petyr. And we're still friends today.
Vladislav: What are you doing tonight? Are you going to kill some perverts?
Child Vampire: Yeah, we're meeting a pedophile.
Vladislav: He was an 18th century dandy, so he can be very fussy
Stu: I work for a company that... basically we take like business requirements from organizations, then we analyze those requirements and then we build software to fit those requirements.
Pauline Ivanovich, The Beast: He is a virgin. He is a virgin!
Viago: Some people freak out a bit about the age difference. They think, "what's this 96-year-old lady doing with a guy four times her age?" And, you know, I don't care.
Katherine: It doesn't make any difference.
Viago: No. They can call me cradle snatcher, who cares?
Viago: Deacon. How was your night, last night?
Deacon: I transformed into a dog and had sex.
Viago: [to Petyr] I was thinking, maybe... I just should bring a broom down here for you if you wanted to sweep up some of the skeletons.
Stu: [browsing the Internet] If we push "images" then we can see pictures of virgins.
Vladislav: I don't think she's a virgin if she's doing that.
Viago: I really hope that those guys don't kill those police, because it will mean more police will come. Possibly even Christians, which is totally the last thing we need in this house.
Viago: I went in the lounge the other day and there was blood all over my nice antique couch.
Vladislav: Which one? The red one?
Viago: Well it's red now, yeah.
Vladislav: I go for a look which I call dead but delicious
Pauline Ivanovich, The Beast: You a demon?
Viago: No, he's not a demon.
Stu: I'm a software analyst.
Deacon: This is what happens when you're a vampire. You have to watch everyone die. Your mother and father. All your friends. Sometimes brutal, like slipping and falling onto a giant spike. Or falling asleep in an autumn pile of leaves and having some of them block your windpipe. Or making the simple mistake of fashioning a mask out of crackers and being attacked by ducks, geese, swans. Or simply dying of old age. But even old age is brutal. Watching your friends grow old. They can't piss, and they say stupid things, and their brains go, and they can't remember anything. And then one day they can't even remember who you are, and you wish they were dead, and then they do die. No, if I know Stu, this was probably the way he wanted to go. Disembowelled by werewolves. Blood and guts splayed onto the trees. His face torn to shreds.
Deacon: I hope I made you feel better.
Deacon: Wait, let's kill them.
Vladislav: Well let's just see what other safety points they have... and then maybe we'll kill them.