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What We Do in the Shadows (2014) Poster

Quotes

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Deacon: I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool.

Vladislav: I think of it like this. If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it.

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Viago: Yeah some of our clothes are from victims. You might bite someone and then, you think, 'Oooh, those are some nice pants!'.

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Vladislav: Leave me to do my dark bidding on the internet!

Viago: What are you bidding on?

Vladislav: I am bidding on a table.

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Jackie: You were a virgin when we were seeing each other.

Nick: Yeah, I was twelve.

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Anton, werewolf: [to all the werewolves] What are we? We're...

[All, together]

Anton, werewolf: We're Werewolves, not Swear-Wolves.

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Stu: [Showing the vampires Google] Anything you want to find you type it in.

Viago: I lost a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.

Deacon: Yes, now Google it.

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Vladislav: You will not eat Stu and you will not eat the camera guy... Maybe one camera guy.

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Vladislav: What are you doing tonight? Are you going to kill some perverts?

Child Vampire: Yeah, we're meeting a pedophile.

Vladislav: Cool.

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Deacon: When you are a vampire you become very... sexy.

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Deacon: One day I was selling my wares, and I walked past this old, creepy castle, and I look at it and think, "'Very old and creepy". And then this creature flies at me! It dragged me back to this dark dungeon, and bit into my neck. And just at the point of death... this creature forced me to suck its foul blood. And then it opened it's wings, like this, and hovered above me screeching, "Now... You are vampire!" And it was Petyr. And we're still friends today.

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Vladislav: We should get some slaves!

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Stu: I work for a company that... Basically, we take like business requirements from organizations, then we analyze those requirements, and then we build software to fit those requirements.

Pauline Ivanovich, The Beast: He is a virgin. He is a virgin!

Vampire Witch: I can smell a virgin from a thousand paces.

Deacon: Go on then. Go a thousand paces away and smell yourselves!

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Vladislav: We're vampires, we don't put down towels.

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Viago: Some people freak out a bit about the age difference. They think, "What's this 96-year-old lady doing with a guy four times her age?"

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Vladislav: He was an 18th century dandy, so he can be very fussy.

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Stu: [browsing the Internet] If we push "images" then we can see pictures of virgins.

VladislavViagoDeacon: Oh yes.

Vladislav: I don't think she's a virgin if she's doing that.

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Viago: I really hope that those guys don't kill those police, because it will mean more police will come. Possibly even Christians, which is totally the last thing we need in this house.

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Viago: Deacon. How was your night, last night?

Deacon: I transformed into a dog and had sex.

Viago: Cool!

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Viago: I went in the lounge the other day and there was blood all over my nice antique couch.

Vladislav: Which one? The red one?

Viago: Well it's red now, yeah.

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Vladislav: I go for a look which I call dead but delicious.

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Pauline Ivanovich, The Beast: You've got really warm hands, Stu. Are you a demon?

Viago: No, he's not a demon.

Stu: I'm a software analyst.

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Deacon: [as the cops leave the basement] Wait, let's kill them.

Viago: No!

Vladislav: Well let's just see what other safety points they have... and then maybe we'll kill them.

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Deacon: This is what happens when you're a vampire. You have to watch everyone die. Your mother and father. All your friends. Sometimes brutal, like slipping and falling onto a giant spike. Or falling asleep in an autumn pile of leaves and having some of them block your windpipe. Or making the simple mistake of fashioning a mask out of crackers and being attacked by ducks, geese, swans. Or simply dying of old age. But even old age is brutal. Watching your friends grow old. They can't piss, and they say stupid things, and their brains go, and they can't remember anything. And then one day they can't even remember who you are, and you wish they were dead, and then they do die. No, if I know Stu, this was probably the way he wanted to go. Disembowelled by werewolves. Blood and guts splayed onto the trees. His face torn to shreds.

[pause]

Deacon: I hope I made you feel better.

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Viago: [to Petyr] I was thinking, maybe... I just should bring a broom down here for you, if you wanted to sweep up some of the skeletons.

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Nick: Twilight!

Deacon: Shut up, Nick! You are not Twilight.

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Jackie: I love you.

Terry, Jackie's husband: I love you too.

Jackie: Great. But I am your master.

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Viago: Coming into town, um, is really cool because just for one brief moment I feel...

Teenager: Homos!

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Deacon: The neighbors can see you flying around the house. You want to draw attention to this house, hm?

Nick: You've got a whole documentary crew following you around.

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Viago: You're a cool guy but you're not pulling your weight in the flat.

Deacon: Well, I'm glad to hear that I'm cool.

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Deacon: I am doing an erotic dance for my friends, and you ruined it. I was in the zone, my friends were loving it.

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Deacon: You can't go to the ball as Blade. He's a vampire hunter.

Viago: Yeah, but vampires love Wesley Snipes.

Deacon: No, it's inappropriate.

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Viago: They say that vampires' hearts are cold and dead. Definitely dead. But I don't know. I think I still feel things inside it.

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Viago: Petyr, get away from the sunlight!

Deacon: Get in the shadows, Petyr!

Viago: Get out of the sunlight!

Vladislav: [Returning with water] Get out of my way!

[Attempts to douse Petyr]

Deacon: I'm going in! I'm coming, Petyr!

Viago: Deacon, no, it's sunlight!

Deacon: I'm coming for you!

Viago: It's sunlight out there! It's sunlight! It's sunlight!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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