Jeff Winger: My name is Jeff Winger. I recently became a Four. Funny thing is, when I was a Two, I didn't actually have any less. But I did have a lot of crazy friends!
Jeff Winger: "Hey, my name's Tommy Talouca. I'm from hallway C. I'm a Two! I got to get to the cafeteria before they run out of apples!" What is it with Twos and apples? You're given three kinds of fruit. Mix it up! Then you become a Four, and you get that, uh, that Four walk. You know what I'm talking about? It's like this...
[does a funny walk]
Jeff Winger: It's like one of these. And they get a trail of Twos behind them, and they're, like, "Hey, is there an apple up there?" Oh *beep*... Wow, what else is going on?
Dean Pelton: He's killing it.
Jeff Winger: There came a time when I has to aks myself, did I even want to be a Three? Or did I just hate myself for being a Two? I don't know. All I know is... I sure love them apples!
Dean Pelton: You know what they say. Fives have lives, fours have chores, threes have fleas, twos have blues, and ones don't get a rhyme because they're garbage.
Britta Perry: You think this system is gonna last forever? I'm gonna free people's minds. I'm a Psych major. Words are my weapons.
Guard: I'm a security guard...
[brandishes stun gun]
Guard: Weapons are my weapons.
Shirley Bennett: Hello, Jeffrey. I see you decided to join Meowmeowbeenz.
Jeff Winger: Oh, it's a great tool for living. You look great.
Shirley Bennett: You look great!
Jeff Winger: You know what you're doing.
Shirley Bennett: You know what you're doing. I'm watching you, okay? Mmm.
Annie Edison: Mmm.
[Shirley's gang walk away]
Jeff Winger: Yeah, you'll be watching my hinder, mama, choking on its billowing plume of highly rated dust.
Dean Pelton: Now Jeffery I beg you not to take this risk. You know what they say. Fives have lives, Fours have chores, Threes have fleas, Twos have blues and Ones don't get a rhyme because they're garbage.
Abed Nadir: MeowMeowBeenz takes everything subjective and unspoken about human interaction and reduces it to explicit, objective numbers. I've never felt more alive.
Jeff Winger: As long as you're happy, I'm unsettled.
Jeff Winger: I'm gonna become a five and expose this thing for the sham it is.
Britta Perry: Oh, now you're speaking my language.
Jeff Winger: That's unintentional, trust me.
Jeff Winger: Haul it. Ball it. Never call it. Girls are objects.
Britta Perry: I shouldn't have to put mustard on my face for this to make sense.
Jeff Winger: Oh, great mother of Ones, mustard-faced savior, there is still a Five hiding among us that has not been cleansed.
Britta Perry: Nonsense. All Fives were reduced to oneness in the great purge of about two minutes ago.
Garrett: [after Jeff becomes a Five] Can I get a picture? I want my future kids to know this happened.
Jeff Winger: I admire your optimism, Garrett.
Jeff Winger: Britta. Please tell me you're not using this app.
Britta Perry: Uh, I liked the idea at first, giving a voice to the unheard, but then Annie just told me that the rating system is exponentially weighted. As your ratings go up, your ratings of other people become more important.
Jeff Winger: [Mockingly] No.
Annie Edison: It just means the more others like you, the more likeable you can make others. It makes sense to me.
Britta Perry: You know who else it made sense to?
Annie Edison: Say "Hitler" one more time, and I'm giving you a two.