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"Silicon Valley" Minimum Viable Product (TV Episode 2014) Poster

Quotes

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Gilfoyle: [Sticks up middle finger] How does this translate into Farsi?

Dinesh: That's not the language I speak.

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Gavin Belson: It's weird. They always travel in groups of five. These programmers, there's always a tall skinny white guy, a short skinny Asian guy, fat guy with a ponytail, some guy with crazy facial hair and then an East Indian guy. It's like they trade guys until they all have the right group.

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Erlich: What do you got?

Pitcher: Okay, here it is. Bit Soup, like alphabet soup but ones and zeros instead of the letters. Cause binary... Binary is ones and zeros.

Erlich: I know what binary is. Jesus Christ! I memorized the hexadecimal times tables when I was 14 writing machine code, okay? Ask me what 9 times F is. It's fleventyfive. I don't need you telling me what binary is, just like I don't need you thinking about soup or taking pictures of it. I need you thinking about apps, software and websites. This is Silicon Valley, not...

Erlich: [uses his phone]

Erlich: Paris, Texas... which is where Campbell's Soup is.

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Gavin Belson: I know what Grndr is! I have gay friends!

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Gavin Belson: [playing in the Hooli employee shuttle bus] What is Hooli? Excellent question. Hooli isn't just another high-tech company. Hooli isn't just about software. Hooli... Hooli is about people. Hooli is about innovative technology that makes a difference, transforming the world as we know it, making the world a better place through minimal message-oriented transport layers. I firmly believe we can only achieve greatness if first we achieve goodness.

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Richard: Look, guys, for thousands of years, guys like us gave gotten the shit kicked out of us. But now, for the first time, we're living in an era, where we can be in charge and build empires. We could be the vikings of our day.

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Richard: [at a party celebrating the sale of an IT company to Google for $200 million] It's amazing how the men and women at these things always separate like this.

Dinesh: Yeah, every party in Silicon Valley ends up like a Hasidic wedding.

Big Head: Not even the Goolybib guys were talking to girls.

Erlich: They don't have to, Big Head. This house talks to girls.

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Big Head: [regarding the mansion they're visiting] Fucking Goolybib, man. Those guys build a mediocre piece of software that might be worth something someday, and now they live here. Money flying all over Silicon Valley but none of it ever seems to hit us.

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Doctor: It's a garden variety panic attack. Welcome to Silicon Valley, we see people like you all the time!

Richard: Really?

Doctor: Yes.

Richard: It's just I have to make this decision by tomorrow.

Doctor: Yeah. You know, a while back, we had a guy in here in almost the exact same situation, "take the money or keep the company".

Richard: What happened?

Doctor: Well, a couple months later he was brought into the ER with a self-inflicted gunshot wound. I guess he really regretted not taking that money.

Richard: He shot himself because he turned down the money?

Doctor: Yeah. Or no, he took the money. Or no. No, he did not. You know what? I don't remember. But whatever it was, he regretted it so much that he ended up shooting himself.

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Richard: Pied Piper is a proprietary site that lets you find out if your music is infringing on any existing copyrights. So, imagine you were a song writer, ok?

Peter Gregory: [Thoughtful] I don't think I could write a song.

Richard: Yeah, no, just imagine if you were.

Peter Gregory: I don't even think I could say, "Pied Piper is a proprietary site. " Well, I just did but it wasn't easy.

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Richard: [Watching Peter Gregory drive away] That is a narrow car.

Big Head: Fucking billionaires!

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Guy in Audience at TED Talk: The true value of a college education is intangible!

Peter Gregory: The true value of snake oil is intangible as well.

Guy in Audience at TED Talk: Fascist!

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Erlich: When I sold my company, Aviato, I wanted to give back. That's why I started this place, to do something big. To make a difference. You know, like Steve.

Richard: Uh, Jobs or Wozniak?

[Erlich looks at him]

Richard: Steve Jobs or Steve...

Erlich: Oh, I heard you.

Richard: Which one?

Erlich: Jobs.

Richard: I mean, Jobs was a poser. He didn't even write code.

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Richard: What do I do if I feel another panic attack coming on?

Doctor: Would you be interested in a device that links up to your smartphone and it keeps track of your vitals and it tells you, even before it's happening, whether you're having a panic attack or an actual heart attack?

Richard: Yeah, that sounds great.

Doctor: You would, right? Ok, that's great news. Because it's still in prototype phase right now, but my start-up partners and I are looking for investors. Like today. So will you please let me know I'm going to give you my number. If you do end up taking that 10 million dollars because we could really make the world a better place.

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Monica: Hi, Monica. I work with Peter Gregory. We met outside the TED...

Richard: Yeah, I remember you. What how'd you know I was here?

Monica: Peter Gregory is invested in a company that uses GPS in phones to track people.

Richard: That's creepy.

Monica: You don't know the half of it. And neither does congress.

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Erlich: You guys taking it all in? Because this is what it looks like when Google acquires your company for over 200 million dollars. Look Dustin Moskovitz. Elon Musk. Eric Schmidt. Whatever the fuck the guy's name is who created Photrio. I mean, Kid Rock is the poorest person here. Apart from you guys.

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Erlich: Richard, if you want to live here, you've got to deliver. I can't have dead weight at my Incubator, ok? Either that, or show some promise for fuck's sake. Like NipAlert, Big Head's app. It gives you the location of a woman with erect nipples. Now, that's something people want.

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Javeed: [On stage] Hello! Whoo! I got seven words for you. 'I love Goolybib's integrated- multi-platform-functionality!'

[There's a few claps]

Javeed: Yeah! Whoo! But seriously, you know, a few days ago, when we were sitting down with Barak Obama, I turned to these guys and said, ok, you know, we're making a lot of money. And yes, we're disrupting digital media. But most importantly we're making the world a better place. Through constructing elegant hierarchies for maximum code reuse and extensibility. So everyone. Here's to many more nights just like this one. Take it away, my good friend, Kid Rock.

Big Head: ...What a dick.

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Dinesh: Big Head, there is a personal ad section on this Asperger site. Holy shit, this one is looking for a "relationship that has the potential to become sexual in nature". Boy, is she on the spectrum. She can't even make eye contact with the camera.

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Big Head: Hey, did you hear what Peter Gregory is doing?

Richard: You mean buying that island in the Pacific?

Big Head: No, he's building one actually. Baller. Anyway, he's also offering a hundred k to people willing to skip or drop out of college to pursue their idea. I don't know what happened to that guy, but he really hates college. Anyway, he's doing a TED talks in Palo Alto tonight. We should try to get in.

Richard: I dropped out of college. Maybe I should re-enroll and drop out again. Try and get the money.

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Richard: I have an idea I'd love to pitch you, if you have time.

Peter Gregory: Oh

[Turns away]

Richard: Well, that is before I just give up and go back to college.

Peter Gregory: Don't! Do not do that. Go work at Burger King. Go into the woods and forage for nuts and berries. Do not go back to college!

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