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Ted 2 (2015) Poster

(2015)

Quotes

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[a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything]

John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

Ted: We are so sorry!

Female Nurse: Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.

Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.

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Customer: Hey.

Ted: Hello.

Customer: I have to... I have to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.

Ted: Uhhh... Yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.

Customer: Yeah, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?

Ted: Well... I mean they say 'Trix are for kids' in the commercials b...

Customer: Aha, aha. Now, is that enforced by law?

Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge. No.

Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?

Ted: No. No. You should be fine.

Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?

Ted: I was able to sniff that out, yeah.

Customer: Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment.

Ted: Yeah, yeah. You'll be okay.

Customer: And... I won't be followed?

Ted: No, uh... that's not in our budget here.

Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.

Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.

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Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?

Ted: 9/11!

Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.

John: Robin Williams!

Comic: Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?

Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!

Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.

Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!

Comic: Okay, seriously, sir, I just need a location.

John: Ferguson, Missouri!

Ted: Germanwings cockpit!

Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!

Ted: No, you didn't!

John: Nobody said Starbucks.

Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?

Ted: Bill Cosby!

Comic: You people are monsters.

John: We're giving you the tools, buddy! Come on, make some fucking comedy!

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Ted: What's your middle name?

Samantha Jackson: Leslie.

Ted: Oh, my God! You're Sam L. Jackson!

John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.

Samantha Jackson: Who is that?

Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

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Ted: Oh my God, John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.

John: No, she wasn't.

Ted: She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes.

Samantha Jackson: What are the "fuck me" eyes?

Ted: Yeah, it's just some women just have "fuck me" eyes.

Samantha Jackson: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?

Ted: No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.

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Samantha Jackson: Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.

John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.

Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.

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Ted: What the fuck!

John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter? What happened? What's going on?

Ted: There's so much porn!

John: What the hell are you doing, looking at my private shit?

Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"? Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!

John: Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that up!

Ted: Jesus Chri-Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rimjob"? "Counterclockwise Rimjob"?

John: Yeah, well, sometimes, we like seeing the tongue go the other way!

Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"!

John: Oh my God! Oh my God, I have a disease! Allright? I need help!

Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!

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John: We just broke into Tom Brady's house and tried to jerk him off - you're ready to be a parent.

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Samantha Jackson: Hi, have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear, he...

Comic-Con Fan: [interrupts] Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman.

Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!

John: Fuck!

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[from trailer]

Samantha Jackson: All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?

Ted: Yup, bring it on.

Samantha Jackson: Do you consider yourself to be human?

Ted: Objection!

John: Sustained!

Samantha Jackson: You know, the witness can't object.

John: Overruled.

Ted: Sidebar.

John: Guilty!

Ted: Speculation.

John: Hearsay!

Ted: Bailiff.

John: Briefcase.

Ted: Disregard.

John: In my chambers.

Ted: Stop beavering the witness.

John: I rest.

Ted: We could totally be lawyers.

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John: [to Tom Brady] You're not a cheater. I mean, I think your balls are perfect.

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[drenched in semen]

John: Fuck! I'm blinking it in! Oh my God, it's in my fucking mouth!

Ted: Wait-wait-wait, hang on, I gotta post this on Facebook.

John: NO!

Ted: ..."hashtag GrrrMondays".

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Ted: I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.

John: What?

Ted: I mean, saying his name three times so he appears.

John: Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!

Ted: No, it'll be fine! he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...

John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand, alright! Cut the shit!

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[after crashing their car]

Ted: I'm real sorry, that barn just came out of nowhere.

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Judge: Ms. Jackson please control your client or I will hold you both in contempt of court.

Ted: Oh, piss off! All right? I'm standing up for me, and I'm standing up for the homos! We deserve respect!

Samantha Jackson: Ted, shut up!

Ted: Fine!

[Ted begins to play Angry birds on his iPhone]

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Ted: [Last lines] Hashtag. Shit happens.

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Ted: So do you call it Arizona State University or just HPVU?

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[Ted smokes some marijuana using Sam's penis-shaped bong. John pulls out his smartphone and takes a picture]

Ted: Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing?

John: [texting] Hashtag: My amazing summer.

Ted: God dammit, what the hell is wrong with you?

John: Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.

Ted: What do you mean? I was just messing around.

John: Oh, shut up and suck that dick.

Ted: Oh, fuck you.

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Samantha Jackson: Ted, do you love your wife?

Shep Wild: Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled.

Samantha Jackson: I'll rephrase. Do you love Tami-Lynn?

Ted: I love my *wife*. Okay, my wife. More than anything in the world. We're married, I don't care what anybody says.

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[Ted enters the New York Comic-Con and bumps into Guy, who is dressed as The Tick]

Guy: Hey, Ted!

Ted: Guy?

Guy: I thought that was you. What's happening, man? Hey Rick! It is Ted.

[Rick appears, dressed as Lt. Worf]

Rick: Hey, how are you doin'?

Ted: Hey, what's going on?

Guy: What are you doing here?

Ted: [sighs] You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here?

Guy: Well, you know, uh, Rick and I, we just come here as a gag.

Rick: Yeah. Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds.

[Guy stops a guest passing by]

Ted: Hey, spaz. Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew. How about that, huh?

[Guy gives the guest a wedgie. He and Rick laugh as the guest runs away]

Ted: Ha-ha. All right, well, good luck with your dick, there.

[noticing the bulge on Guy's costume before walking away]

Guy: Right on. You too, man.

[Guy looks at his hands]

Guy: God dammit, that underwear had shit on it!

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Frank: [Unrated version only] You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.

Ted: I fucked her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.

Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.

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John: He's not my property. He's a person. He's way more of a person than lots of other people. I mean, fuckin' Steven Tyler? What the fuck is that, some kinda weird soccer mom looking Goonie monster?

Shep Wild: Your Honor!

Judge: I'll allow it.

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Samantha Jackson: Can either of you tell me who wrote the Great Gatsby?

John: Judy Bloome?

Ted: Hitler?

Samantha Jackson: F. Scott Fitzgerald.

John: Who's that?

Samantha Jackson: The author.

John: Well, why are you saying "fuck him"?

Samantha Jackson: [Sam is confused] What?

Ted: You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?

John: Yeah.

Samantha Jackson: No, that's his first name.

Ted: His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?

Samantha Jackson: What? No!

John: Well, what does the F stand for?

Samantha Jackson: Francis.

Ted: No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.

John: It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.

Samantha Jackson: Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?

John: Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?

Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.

John: It's Fuck. It's Fuck.

Samantha Jackson: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.

Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.

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[Guy throws his soda at a black guest wearing glasses]

Guy: Thirsty, Urkel?

[looks at Rick]

Guy: I fuckin' love this place.

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Ted: That weed is really good. It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called "Here Comes Autism."

John: Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called..."How Long Has That Van Been There?"

Samantha Jackson: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home."

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Samantha Jackson: [Unrated version] I love New York.

John: Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.

Ted: Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York.

[Out the car window, to a group]

Ted: Hello, Jews!

[the groups says hello back]

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[Ted runs away from Donny all over the New York Comic-Con, then he hides among a display of similar teddy bears. Donny sees the display]

Donny: You know, I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along.

Donny: [singing] Hands touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you, Sweet Caroline...

[Ted suddenly reacts to the song, giving himself away among the teddy bears]

Ted: Bah, bah, bah!

[Donny lunges at him]

Ted: Fuck! Crazy son of a bitch!

[Ted struggles to escape by punching Donny, but Donny punches back]

Vendor: Hey! What are you doing to that bear?

Donny: I'm sorry, I uh,

Vendor: You better be planning on buying that!

Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.

Vendor: Yeah, that's great. $40.

Donny: Okay. I have $40 here.

[Donny gives the vendor his money before walking away with Ted]

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Guy: Hey, check it out. Nerd fight.

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[Unrated version only, John lists a long list of fictional last names in rapid order for Ted's last name]

John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...

Ted: Clubber Lang!

John: FUCKING...

Ted: Hahaha!

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Tami-Lynn: [Unrated version] Teddy, I got a really good feeling about this.

Ted: I know. Me too. I mean, adoption's great. Right?

Tami-Lynn: Oh, yeah. I mean, Steve Jobs was adopted.

Ted: Yeah! Yeah. And also a million kids who did nothin'.

Tami-Lynn: You know, Teddy, this has been nice, you and me doing this together. It's like we have a common goal or somethin'. Right?

Ted: I love hearing you say that, 'cause I feel exactly the same way.

Tami-Lynn: And we ain't fought in, like, a week.

Ted: I know! We haven't! Hey, you know what, if the baby works out, we should get a dog.

Tami-Lynn: Oh, my God. A German shepherd.

Ted: A German shepherd and a baby, together.

Tami-Lynn: It's, like, the perfect family.

Ted: And a gun to protect us all!

Tami-Lynn: Yes! Okay, as soon as we get the baby, we get the gun.

Ted: I love our gun-dog-baby family!

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Joy: Look at that! You see them two white niggers over there?

Ted: Yeah, what?

Joy: Look at them! They so happy, because they got that little baby keeping them together. If they didn't have that baby, they'd just be two sad-ass white niggers waiting for Downton Abbey to come on.

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John: You piece of shit. Killing him at Fenway Park wasn't enough for you, huh? Huh, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?

Donny: You don't deserve him, John. You never did. YOU NEVER DID!

John: I've been wanting to do this for a long time.

Ted: Aha! I fucking knew it!

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Frank: [to Ted in his office] I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to let you go.

Ted: [Taken aback] What? Why? I've been bursting my ass at this job for three years!

Frank: I just got a call from the Labor department. I can't legally keep you on as an employee... because I've been informed that you're technically...

Ted: [Finishing the sentence] Technically not a person. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Frank: I'm sorry. But as of today you 're fired.

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[Donny and Jessup leave the Hasbro panel with an unconscious Ted]

Donny: Come on, there's an empty supply room downstairs.

Tom Jessup: Is that him?

Donny: Uh, yeah, there was an issue, so he's unconscious now. This is him.

Tom Jessup: Jesus! Why did you bring him here?

Donny: Well, I've been following him around since yesterday. This was the only chance I could get him alone. I had to move fast.

[Guy and Rick appear behind them]

Guy: Hey, Ted!

[Donny and Jessup turn around]

Guy: Is that you?

Donny: Uh, yeah, he had a little too much to drink. He puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl in a, in a stroller, so we're gonna take him back and sober him up.

Guy: [pointing at them] Ah, rock on, Ted.

Donny: [pointing back] Eff yeah.

[Donny and Jessup proceed down the hallway]

Rick: Hey guys, be careful out there. Some nerd spilled his lunch.

[Guy trips a Starfleet Redshirt cosplayer]

Guy: Hey, watch that floor. Comes up fast, man.

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[Unrated version only]

Ted: Attention, everyone. May I have your attention, please? Johnny and I have prepared something very special for you here. Let's have it, fellas.

Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder don't you get too scared.

John: Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words.

Ted: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!

John: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!

Ted: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!

John: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!

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Ted: [At a "Knight Rider" Q&A panel, unrated version] I have a question. Exactly how many beers did you have before you got naked with that hamburger?

David Hasselhoff: You know, buddy, we all make mistakes. That was a long time ago and I'm a different guy now.

KITT: You know what, can I just jump in here for a second? You're a real scumbag for asking that question.

Ted: What? It's a fair question.

KITT: No, you know what? You know what? Let me tell you something about this man...

David Hasselhoff: KITT, it's all right, just let it go.

KITT: No, no! I want him to hear this. Let me tell you something, after the show ended, I got nothing but shit work, all right? I was playing snow plows, tractors, I was even cast as a lawnmower. Not that was a real low point for me and this man sitting next to me, at this very low point in my life wrote me a check.

David Hasselhoff: Aw, come on, pal.

KITT: No, no! I want everyone to hear this because you are a good man, David Hasselhoff! You are a good man. You saved me with your generosity. You are the most-

[KITT's wiper fluid and windshield wipers start up]

KITT: I'm so sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional. I just love you, buddy. I just love you so much.

David Hasselhoff: I love you too, pal, I really do. I love you.

Ted: So, like twenty-five beers or what?

KITT: [rushing at Ted] You piece of shit! Get out of here!

Ted: Whoa, man! What the fuck?

KITT: You are not fit to breathe the same air as this man!

David Hasselhoff: KITT, he's not worth it!

KITT: Get out of here!

Ted: What? He's a celebrity. His personal life is our business.

KITT: Get the fuck out, you piece of dog shit! I will run you down like roadkill!

Ted: I don't have to take this shit from a fucking Pontiac.

KITT: Get out! Get the fuck out!

Ted: You're a psycho, dude. Seriously. You're a psycho. Get some therapy.

KITT: Get out!

Ted: [Ted leaves the room] Crazy son of a bitch. Jesus Christ.

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Samantha Jackson: [Alternate scene] Can either of you tell me what happened in World War I?

John: Yeah. I mean, the whole world was fighting.

Ted: It's a lot of anger. A lot of anger.

Samantha Jackson: Any specifics?

John: A lot of people died.

Ted: Too many, if you ask me.

Samantha Jackson: Where did it take place?

John: All over the world.

Ted: Thus, World War I.

John: And that was the first one.

Ted: Of many.

Samantha Jackson: You guys need to get fucking educated!

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Jimmy Fallon: [Unrated version] So, the big story out of Boston is that Ted, the bear, is suing to prove that he's a person. Legal experts are closely watching this case. They said if Ted wins, Donald Trump's hair would look to quickly file a similar lawsuit.

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Bill Maher: [Unrated version] This sounds like a silly case, but this is actually a really big case. The last time someone named Ted made this much news in Massachusetts, he drove a chick into a lake.

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Comic-Con Presenter: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill.

John: FUCK!

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Shep Wild: Where did they get him?

[Ted]

John: [Mutters] Child-World Toy Store.

Shep Wild: I'm sorry I couldn't hear that, could you repeat that please?

John: Child-World Toy Store, you fuckin' heard me!

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Ted: Right. You see the thing is, we don't wanna take any chances, because the stakes are so significant.

John: We can't rush into anything. We got to make sure we're making the right decision.

Ted: We really appreciate your time, but what we're probably gonna do is...

[Samantha takes a hit from bong]

Ted: just take a seat and get to work.

John: Trust you completely.

Ted: We really feel you got a lot to offer.

Samantha Jackson: Sorry you don't mind the pot,do you? I get migraines.

John: Oh absolutely. Me too.

Ted: That's fine. I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minuets.

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[Samantha smokes weed on a penis-shaped bong]

John: Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.

Ted: Yeah, Sam. This, this puts us in a kind of awkward position here. I mean, we wanna get high too.

John: I don't have any papers or nothing.

Samantha Jackson: Is this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party.

[giggles]

Samantha Jackson: It's so stupid. Here, try it.

John: Uh, no.

Samantha Jackson: Why?

John: I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.

Samantha Jackson: Oh, you think this is big?

Ted: [laughing] Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.

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Ted: [Unrated version, while listening to Electric Slide at the wedding afterparty] No! No! I said no Electric Slide!

[Throws wine bottle at DJ]

Ted: God dammit, you will not wreck this night with your forced white people group fun!

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Ted: [to Patrick Meighan] I think I wanna sleep on a bed made of your voice.

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[Sam J. Jones dresses as Flash Gordon sees that John and Samantha at Comic-Con]

Sam J. Jones: Hey, Bennett!

John: [looks at Flash Gordon] Oh, shit.

Sam J. Jones: You messed up my car! What the hell is wrong with you?

John: Look, Sam. This is really a bad time, all right? Something happened to Ted.

Sam J. Jones: Oh! But, it's a good time for you to vandalize my Chrysler though!

John: Hey, fuck your Chrysler!

[Sam Jones began to fighting John and all the people at Comic-Con]

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[Ted and John roam around the forest to pick up firewood when John notices a marijuana leaf]

John: What the hell?

[John sniffs the leaf]

John: Holy shit! Hey, Ted! You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze.

[Ted turns around and is amazed by what he sees while he walks towards John]

John: It's a really rare strain. It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. It's totally potent. I mean, I've only had it once in my life and it was one of the best highs I ever had. What the hell is a leaf of that stuff doing outin the middle of a...

[Ted grabs John's head and has him look to the right. John gets up and is astonished by the sight of marijuana crops in front of him]

John: Dear God! Dear God in heaven!

Ted: So beautiful!

[sobs]

Ted: It's so beautiful!

Samantha Jackson: No words. No words. They should've sent a poet.

Ted: They're moving in herds. They do move in herds.

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Ted: So, listen, I got to ask. Was it just kissing last night? Or was there finger stuff?

[Samantha throws guitar at Ted]

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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