Ted 2 (2015)
[a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything]
John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted: We are so sorry!
Female Nurse: Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
Customer: I have to... I have to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted: Uhhh... Yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.
Customer: Yeah, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Ted: Well... I mean they say 'Trix are for kids' in the commercials b...
Customer: Aha, aha. Now, is that enforced by law?
Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge. No.
Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
Ted: No. No. You should be fine.
Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted: I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer: Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment.
Ted: Yeah, yeah. You'll be okay.
Customer: And... I won't be followed?
Ted: No, uh... that's not in our budget here.
Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.
Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay, seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: Germanwings cockpit!
Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No, you didn't!
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby!
Comic: You people are monsters.
John: We're giving you the tools, buddy! Come on, make some fucking comedy!
Ted: What's your middle name?
Samantha Jackson: Leslie.
Ted: Oh, my God! You're Sam L. Jackson!
John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.
Samantha Jackson: Who is that?
Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
Ted: Oh my God, John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
John: No, she wasn't.
Ted: She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha Jackson: What are the "fuck me" eyes?
Ted: Yeah, it's just some women just have "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha Jackson: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
Ted: No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.
Samantha Jackson: Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.
John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.
Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.
Ted: What the fuck!
John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter? What happened? What's going on?
Ted: There's so much porn!
John: What the hell are you doing, looking at my private shit?
Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"? Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
John: Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that up!
Ted: Jesus Chri-Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rimjob"? "Counterclockwise Rimjob"?
John: Yeah, well, sometimes, we like seeing the tongue go the other way!
Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"!
John: Oh my God! Oh my God, I have a disease! Allright? I need help!
Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
John: We just broke into Tom Brady's house and tried to jerk him off - you're ready to be a parent.
Samantha Jackson: Hi, have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear, he...
Comic-Con Fan: [interrupts] Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman.
Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
Samantha Jackson: All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?
Ted: Yup, bring it on.
Samantha Jackson: Do you consider yourself to be human?
Samantha Jackson: You know, the witness can't object.
John: In my chambers.
Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
John: I rest.
Ted: We could totally be lawyers.
John: [to Tom Brady] You're not a cheater. I mean, I think your balls are perfect.
[drenched in semen]
John: Fuck! I'm blinking it in! Oh my God, it's in my fucking mouth!
Ted: Wait-wait-wait, hang on, I gotta post this on Facebook.
Ted: ..."hashtag GrrrMondays".
Ted: I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.
Ted: I mean, saying his name three times so he appears.
John: Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!
Ted: No, it'll be fine! he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand, alright! Cut the shit!
[after crashing their car]
Ted: I'm real sorry, that barn just came out of nowhere.
Judge: Ms. Jackson please control your client or I will hold you both in contempt of court.
Ted: Oh, piss off! All right? I'm standing up for me, and I'm standing up for the homos! We deserve respect!
Samantha Jackson: Ted, shut up!
[Ted begins to play Angry birds on his iPhone]
Ted: So do you call it Arizona State University or just HPVU?
[Ted smokes some marijuana using Sam's penis-shaped bong. John pulls out his smartphone and takes a picture]
Ted: Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing?
John: [texting] Hashtag: My amazing summer.
Ted: God dammit, what the hell is wrong with you?
John: Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.
Ted: What do you mean? I was just messing around.
John: Oh, shut up and suck that dick.
Ted: Oh, fuck you.
Samantha Jackson: Ted, do you love your wife?
Shep Wild: Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled.
Samantha Jackson: I'll rephrase. Do you love Tami-Lynn?
Ted: I love my *wife*. Okay, my wife. More than anything in the world. We're married, I don't care what anybody says.
[Ted enters the New York Comic-Con and bumps into Guy, who is dressed as The Tick]
Guy: Hey, Ted!
Guy: I thought that was you. What's happening, man? Hey Rick! It is Ted.
[Rick appears, dressed as Lt. Worf]
Rick: Hey, how are you doin'?
Ted: Hey, what's going on?
Guy: What are you doing here?
Ted: [sighs] You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here?
Guy: Well, you know, uh, Rick and I, we just come here as a gag.
Rick: Yeah. Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds.
[Guy stops a guest passing by]
Ted: Hey, spaz. Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew. How about that, huh?
[Guy gives the guest a wedgie. He and Rick laugh as the guest runs away]
Ted: Ha-ha. All right, well, good luck with your dick, there.
[noticing the bulge on Guy's costume before walking away]
Guy: Right on. You too, man.
[Guy looks at his hands]
Guy: God dammit, that underwear had shit on it!
Frank: [Unrated version only] You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.
Ted: I fucked her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.
John: He's not my property. He's a person. He's way more of a person than lots of other people. I mean, fuckin' Steven Tyler? What the fuck is that, some kinda weird soccer mom looking Goonie monster?
Shep Wild: Your Honor!
Judge: I'll allow it.
Samantha Jackson: Can either of you tell me who wrote the Great Gatsby?
John: Judy Bloome?
Samantha Jackson: F. Scott Fitzgerald.
John: Who's that?
Samantha Jackson: The author.
John: Well, why are you saying "fuck him"?
Samantha Jackson: [Sam is confused] What?
Ted: You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
Samantha Jackson: No, that's his first name.
Ted: His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?
Samantha Jackson: What? No!
John: Well, what does the F stand for?
Samantha Jackson: Francis.
Ted: No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.
John: It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.
Samantha Jackson: Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
John: Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
John: It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
Samantha Jackson: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.
[Guy throws his soda at a black guest wearing glasses]
Guy: Thirsty, Urkel?
[looks at Rick]
Guy: I fuckin' love this place.
Ted: That weed is really good. It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called "Here Comes Autism."
John: Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called..."How Long Has That Van Been There?"
Samantha Jackson: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home."
Samantha Jackson: [Unrated version] I love New York.
John: Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.
Ted: Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York.
[Out the car window, to a group]
Ted: Hello, Jews!
[the groups says hello back]
[Ted runs away from Donny all over the New York Comic-Con, then he hides among a display of similar teddy bears. Donny sees the display]
Donny: You know, I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along.
Donny: [singing] Hands touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you, Sweet Caroline...
[Ted suddenly reacts to the song, giving himself away among the teddy bears]
Ted: Bah, bah, bah!
[Donny lunges at him]
Ted: Fuck! Crazy son of a bitch!
[Ted struggles to escape by punching Donny, but Donny punches back]
Vendor: Hey! What are you doing to that bear?
Donny: I'm sorry, I uh,
Vendor: You better be planning on buying that!
Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
Vendor: Yeah, that's great. $40.
Donny: Okay. I have $40 here.
[Donny gives the vendor his money before walking away with Ted]
[Unrated version only, John lists a long list of fictional last names in rapid order for Ted's last name]
John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
Ted: Clubber Lang!
Tami-Lynn: [Unrated version] Teddy, I got a really good feeling about this.
Ted: I know. Me too. I mean, adoption's great. Right?
Tami-Lynn: Oh, yeah. I mean, Steve Jobs was adopted.
Ted: Yeah! Yeah. And also a million kids who did nothin'.
Tami-Lynn: You know, Teddy, this has been nice, you and me doing this together. It's like we have a common goal or somethin'. Right?
Ted: I love hearing you say that, 'cause I feel exactly the same way.
Tami-Lynn: And we ain't fought in, like, a week.
Ted: I know! We haven't! Hey, you know what, if the baby works out, we should get a dog.
Tami-Lynn: Oh, my God. A German shepherd.
Ted: A German shepherd and a baby, together.
Tami-Lynn: It's, like, the perfect family.
Ted: And a gun to protect us all!
Tami-Lynn: Yes! Okay, as soon as we get the baby, we get the gun.
Ted: I love our gun-dog-baby family!
Joy: Look at that! You see them two white niggers over there?
Ted: Yeah, what?
Joy: Look at them! They so happy, because they got that little baby keeping them together. If they didn't have that baby, they'd just be two sad-ass white niggers waiting for Downton Abbey to come on.
John: You piece of shit. Killing him at Fenway Park wasn't enough for you, huh? Huh, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?
Donny: You don't deserve him, John. You never did. YOU NEVER DID!
John: I've been wanting to do this for a long time.
Ted: Aha! I fucking knew it!
Frank: [to Ted in his office] I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to let you go.
Ted: [Taken aback] What? Why? I've been bursting my ass at this job for three years!
Frank: I just got a call from the Labor department. I can't legally keep you on as an employee... because I've been informed that you're technically...
Ted: [Finishing the sentence] Technically not a person. Yeah. Jesus Christ.
Frank: I'm sorry. But as of today you 're fired.
[Donny and Jessup leave the Hasbro panel with an unconscious Ted]
Donny: Come on, there's an empty supply room downstairs.
Tom Jessup: Is that him?
Donny: Uh, yeah, there was an issue, so he's unconscious now. This is him.
Tom Jessup: Jesus! Why did you bring him here?
Donny: Well, I've been following him around since yesterday. This was the only chance I could get him alone. I had to move fast.
[Guy and Rick appear behind them]
Guy: Hey, Ted!
[Donny and Jessup turn around]
Guy: Is that you?
Donny: Uh, yeah, he had a little too much to drink. He puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl in a, in a stroller, so we're gonna take him back and sober him up.
Guy: [pointing at them] Ah, rock on, Ted.
Donny: [pointing back] Eff yeah.
[Donny and Jessup proceed down the hallway]
Rick: Hey guys, be careful out there. Some nerd spilled his lunch.
[Guy trips a Starfleet Redshirt cosplayer]
Guy: Hey, watch that floor. Comes up fast, man.
[Unrated version only]
Ted: Attention, everyone. May I have your attention, please? Johnny and I have prepared something very special for you here. Let's have it, fellas.
Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder don't you get too scared.
John: Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words.
Ted: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
John: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
Ted: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!
John: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!
Ted: [At a "Knight Rider" Q&A panel, unrated version] I have a question. Exactly how many beers did you have before you got naked with that hamburger?
David Hasselhoff: You know, buddy, we all make mistakes. That was a long time ago and I'm a different guy now.
KITT: You know what, can I just jump in here for a second? You're a real scumbag for asking that question.
Ted: What? It's a fair question.
KITT: No, you know what? You know what? Let me tell you something about this man...
David Hasselhoff: KITT, it's all right, just let it go.
KITT: No, no! I want him to hear this. Let me tell you something, after the show ended, I got nothing but shit work, all right? I was playing snow plows, tractors, I was even cast as a lawnmower. Not that was a real low point for me and this man sitting next to me, at this very low point in my life wrote me a check.
David Hasselhoff: Aw, come on, pal.
KITT: No, no! I want everyone to hear this because you are a good man, David Hasselhoff! You are a good man. You saved me with your generosity. You are the most-
[KITT's wiper fluid and windshield wipers start up]
KITT: I'm so sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional. I just love you, buddy. I just love you so much.
David Hasselhoff: I love you too, pal, I really do. I love you.
Ted: So, like twenty-five beers or what?
KITT: [rushing at Ted] You piece of shit! Get out of here!
Ted: Whoa, man! What the fuck?
KITT: You are not fit to breathe the same air as this man!
David Hasselhoff: KITT, he's not worth it!
KITT: Get out of here!
Ted: What? He's a celebrity. His personal life is our business.
KITT: Get the fuck out, you piece of dog shit! I will run you down like roadkill!
Ted: I don't have to take this shit from a fucking Pontiac.
KITT: Get out! Get the fuck out!
Ted: You're a psycho, dude. Seriously. You're a psycho. Get some therapy.
KITT: Get out!
Ted: [Ted leaves the room] Crazy son of a bitch. Jesus Christ.
Samantha Jackson: [Alternate scene] Can either of you tell me what happened in World War I?
John: Yeah. I mean, the whole world was fighting.
Ted: It's a lot of anger. A lot of anger.
Samantha Jackson: Any specifics?
John: A lot of people died.
Ted: Too many, if you ask me.
Samantha Jackson: Where did it take place?
John: All over the world.
Ted: Thus, World War I.
John: And that was the first one.
Ted: Of many.
Samantha Jackson: You guys need to get fucking educated!
Jimmy Fallon: [Unrated version] So, the big story out of Boston is that Ted, the bear, is suing to prove that he's a person. Legal experts are closely watching this case. They said if Ted wins, Donald Trump's hair would look to quickly file a similar lawsuit.
Bill Maher: [Unrated version] This sounds like a silly case, but this is actually a really big case. The last time someone named Ted made this much news in Massachusetts, he drove a chick into a lake.
Comic-Con Presenter: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill.
Shep Wild: Where did they get him?
John: [Mutters] Child-World Toy Store.
Shep Wild: I'm sorry I couldn't hear that, could you repeat that please?
John: Child-World Toy Store, you fuckin' heard me!
Ted: Right. You see the thing is, we don't wanna take any chances, because the stakes are so significant.
John: We can't rush into anything. We got to make sure we're making the right decision.
Ted: We really appreciate your time, but what we're probably gonna do is...
[Samantha takes a hit from bong]
Ted: just take a seat and get to work.
John: Trust you completely.
Ted: We really feel you got a lot to offer.
Samantha Jackson: Sorry you don't mind the pot,do you? I get migraines.
John: Oh absolutely. Me too.
Ted: That's fine. I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minuets.
[Samantha smokes weed on a penis-shaped bong]
John: Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.
Ted: Yeah, Sam. This, this puts us in a kind of awkward position here. I mean, we wanna get high too.
John: I don't have any papers or nothing.
Samantha Jackson: Is this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party.
Samantha Jackson: It's so stupid. Here, try it.
John: Uh, no.
Samantha Jackson: Why?
John: I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.
Samantha Jackson: Oh, you think this is big?
Ted: [laughing] Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.
Ted: [Unrated version, while listening to Electric Slide at the wedding afterparty] No! No! I said no Electric Slide!
[Throws wine bottle at DJ]
Ted: God dammit, you will not wreck this night with your forced white people group fun!
Ted: [to Patrick Meighan] I think I wanna sleep on a bed made of your voice.
[Sam J. Jones dresses as Flash Gordon sees that John and Samantha at Comic-Con]
Sam J. Jones: Hey, Bennett!
John: [looks at Flash Gordon] Oh, shit.
Sam J. Jones: You messed up my car! What the hell is wrong with you?
John: Look, Sam. This is really a bad time, all right? Something happened to Ted.
Sam J. Jones: Oh! But, it's a good time for you to vandalize my Chrysler though!
John: Hey, fuck your Chrysler!
[Sam Jones began to fighting John and all the people at Comic-Con]
[Ted and John roam around the forest to pick up firewood when John notices a marijuana leaf]
John: What the hell?
[John sniffs the leaf]
John: Holy shit! Hey, Ted! You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze.
[Ted turns around and is amazed by what he sees while he walks towards John]
John: It's a really rare strain. It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. It's totally potent. I mean, I've only had it once in my life and it was one of the best highs I ever had. What the hell is a leaf of that stuff doing outin the middle of a...
[Ted grabs John's head and has him look to the right. John gets up and is astonished by the sight of marijuana crops in front of him]
John: Dear God! Dear God in heaven!
Ted: So beautiful!
Ted: It's so beautiful!
Samantha Jackson: No words. No words. They should've sent a poet.
Ted: They're moving in herds. They do move in herds.