The Ridiculous 6 (2015)
General George Custer: [regarding Ramon's shocked-face signal to begin the heist] You know, I make that same face when I put my cologne on in the morning, especially when I'm home alone.
Ramon: So, do you new brothers have any special skills that could help us out here tonight?
Chico: Like what?
Ramon: Like you know, Tommy's good with knives, Lil Pete's got a bonus nipple, I got a burro, Herm is good at strangling.
Danny: I can hold my breath for six minutes.
Chico: Well, I can play the piano with my dick.
Tommy aka White Knife: Well, we're unstoppable then.
Never Wears Bra: [Walks out of her tepee and stretches] Good morning, boys,
Tommy aka White Knife: Good morning, Never Wears Bra.
Never Wears Bra: I had dream about you last night, White Knife.
Tommy aka White Knife: Oh, that's nice.
Never Wears Bra: Not nice dream. In dream you naughty, you naughty, White Knife.
Frank Stockburn: Somebody's got an admirer!
Lil' Pete: Hey, friend. Need any help getting her out?
Ramon: She's not really stuck, amigo. She's just a diversion.
Lil' Pete: She's a virgin? I'm a virgin, too... unless you count cantaloupes.
Ramon: I believe that, but she's a diversion to keep the banker busy so that my brother has time to rob the bank.
Lil' Pete: You're robbing the bank? Gall dang!
[Danny tells his brothers the incident with President Lincoln]
Danny: Mr. President, say, I'm gonna go hit the little boy's room.
Abraham Lincoln: Are you shitting me?
Danny: Come on, you'll be fine superstar. Can I get you something on the way back? Agua? Brewski?
Abraham Lincoln: No.
Danny: Alright. Fair enough, I'll be back in two.
John Wilkes Booth: [running into one another in the hall] Where's the president's box?
Danny: John Wilkes Booth, the actor?
John Wilkes Booth: Yeah.
Danny: No way, man! Big fan! You wanna say hi to the president? He'd get a real kick out of that. Last door on the left.
John Wilkes Booth: Thank you!
Danny: Really cool. Wow, love that guy!
Danny: [Danny is pooping when he hears a gunshot fired and women screaming] Abe!
Tommy aka White Knife: I'm in a bit of a bind, boys. I rode all the way out here to pan for gold and my horse up and died on me.
Rifleman: How'd he die?
Tommy aka White Knife: Suicide. Drowned himself. Put his head in the stream and just kept it there. Saddest thing you ever seen.
Tommy aka White Knife: Any of you handsome brothers ready to go steal a big hunk of gold?
Chico: I'm ready.
Ramon: I'm hungry.
Danny: I'm drunk.
Lil' Pete: And I'm Lil Pete.
Tommy aka White Knife: Let's get that nugget then...
Danny: I did a real stupid thing that inadvertently led to the death of a United States president, I'm feeling pretty lousy about it.
Frank Stockburn: Well son, look at my eyes... Shit happens!
Danny: Yeah. Thanks. Thank you, sir.
Ramon: My mother's Swedish.
Tommy aka White Knife: I don't think so. I reckon she's Mexican.
Ramon: Lying bitch!
Lil' Pete: Oh Pa, I have a question for you.
Frank Stockburn: Yeah.
Lil' Pete: Where do babies come from?
Frank Stockburn: Well, son, the mom just poops 'em out.
Lil' Pete: [laughed] I knewed it! I knewed it, Dad!
Tommy aka White Knife: [Running between base plates] Where you going, nobody hit it.
Abner DoubleDay: I stole the base. You weren't looking so I stole it.
Chico: You said you could only advance after you hit the ball!
Abner DoubleDay: Not when you're stealing.
Short Stop: That's bullshit.
Abner DoubleDay: OK, Short Stop.
Clem: Lookie here. My day is made. I didn't even finish breakfast and I get to kill me a stinkin' Injun.
Tommy aka White Knife: Injun? Nah. I just dress like this so's I don't get scalped out on the prairie.
Clem: Oh, well, that's a convincing outfit. Yeah, you can't be too safe out there... with all of them savages runnin' around. So, what can I do you for?
Tommy aka White Knife: Need some flour. Five sacks. And a carrot with peanut butter on it. Now, what's that gonna run me?
Clem: Well, sack of flour's 45 cents. So, five sacks... is 40...
Tommy aka White Knife: Wanna get back to me on that?
Clem: Yeah, look. Now, the flour's in the basement. You can fetch it yourself.
Tommy aka White Knife: Much obliged.
Never Wears Bra: You lucky, Smoking Fox. White Knife all man. Bravest of all braves.
Smoking Fox: Not brave. Foolish. I want to be wife, not widow.
Beaver Breath: You have no right to be here. This Apache land.
Will Patch: And what you gonna do about it, beaver breath?
Beaver Breath: How he know my name?
Frank Stockburn: Boy, you got your mom's muscles. You a prizefighter?
Chico: No, actually, I'm a... piano player.
Lil' Pete: Dear Mama, so much has changed since my last letter. I scarcely know where to begin. First off, it turns out our daddy is a bad, bad man, and he got thrown in jail. But it's okay, 'cause Screaming Eagle, the Indian chief who raised Tommy, said he'd be all our dads, too. I really like it here in this village. Our new brothers and sisters love to have fun and have been so nice to all of us.
Screaming Eagle: These white guys cannot dance!
Lil' Pete: Danny don't drink whiskey no more. And Ramon and Herm are trying to learn Indian ways. Oh, and big news. I finally have a girlfriend, and she's much prettier than a canty-loupe.
Tommy aka White Knife: [to Lil Pete & Beaver Breath] Come on you two, you're missing all the fun!
Lil' Pete: Anyways, Mama, thanks for raising me. Your loving son, Lil Pete, proud member of the Ridiculous 6.
Abner DoubleDay: [after credits] Before you go... Two - four - six - eight - who do we appreciate?
Chinese Baseball Team: [in unison] The Stockburns! The Stockburns! Yeah! The Stockburns!
Grant: Gentlemen, the buy-in is $15,000
Mark Twain: 15 large. Are you sure General Custard can swing that?
General George Custer: It's Custer, not "Custard." There is no "D." I'm not a dessert.
Mark Twain: Boom, I just dropped some satire on your ass, General!
General George Custer: You got me!
Wyatt Earp: What's shakin' Twain?
Mark Twain: Hey, I'm good on anything. Just like gravy, baby. Good to see you my man.
Wyatt Earp: You too, man.
Wyatt Earp: Hey, I finally read Prince and the Pauper.
Mark Twain: Oh, is that right?
Wyatt Earp: Didn't get it.
Mark Twain: For reals?
Wyatt Earp: Satire! Boom! I got ya!
Tommy aka White Knife: [Playing baseball] Okay, that's two past ya. So you're done, right?
Abner DoubleDay: No, no, I said three times.
Short Stop: No, you said two.
Abner DoubleDay: I said three! Three strikes and I'm out. I know what I said, shortstop. That's your new name, Short Stop, that's right. Now and forever, forever and ever, Short Stop, Short Stop, Short Stop.
Abner DoubleDay: Let's play ball. Welcome, my friends, to the first ever playing of a new sport. A sport of my own devising. On this field, two ten-person teams will engage in a battle of... Yes, Qi?
Qi: Only 18 people here.
Abner DoubleDay: Two nine-person teams will engage in a battle of strength, speed, and strategy. One team will go out onto the field to play defense while the other team will take turns hitting this ball... with a stickie.
Chico: What are you gonna call this game?
Abner DoubleDay: What else? Stickie McSchnickens. Now your goal, ball thrower, is to get the ball past me two times without my hitting it. Fire when ready.