Bikini Spring Break (Video 2012) Poster

(2012 Video)

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Boba_Fett113827 July 2012
Talking about movies that are absolutely going nowhere...even within its genre this movie is being an extremely bad one, without any true creativity and fun to it.

It honestly still could had worked out all. I mean, it had a pretty decent concept, that at least provided the movie with plenty of opportunity to put in some fun and adventurous moments. But I don't know, it just doesn't feel at all as if the movie was trying to be any good. Everyone involved was just probably happy they were working and receiving a paycheck for it and absolutely none of them made any effort to turn this movie into an even remotely good or entertaining one.

The main problem with the movie is that it never feels like its going anywhere with its story. Stuff just happens, often without an apparent reason and basically nothing feels connected or as if it's building up for anything to happen. It makes the movie feels like it's going absolutely nowhere with its story or characters and it actually also turns it into a very tiresome movie, that begins to annoy after a while.

There is also a serious problem with the movie its comedy. It just isn't being all that funny or clever at all. It's some incredibly formulaic stuff, that besides gets poorly delivered by its cast. It also often goes on for far too long. They stretch certain comedy sequences out for as long as possible, perhaps in an attempt to still let it work out as something funny.

You'll most likely have a very hard time caring about anything that happens in this movie. This is also because of its characters, that are far from likable enough and just too often are being far too stupid. It's fine for these sort of movies to have 1 or 2 stupid characters in it but basically every single person in this movie is being a moron. It of course makes this movie and all of its events far from likely ones but what is far worse is that it makes the movie all the more annoying to watch as well, also because it just doesn't add anything good to the movie its comedy.

Seriously, with a tad bit more creativity this movie at least could had been somewhat bearable and watchable for certain age-groups but it now instead is a movie I consider to be absolute trash and it's not worth one single second of your time.

I really don't easily say this but you are an absolute moron if you like this movie!

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What did you expect
oynaqozgar6 July 2012
This movie's plot line makes no sense, the acting is terrible all the girls are stupid but one. Has lots of breast action and little else. Although I will say they did not take the nudity too far and relied on the terrible acting to carry a good chunk of the movie. Thankfully Robert Carradine shows up and steals every scene he is in. This would be a higher ranking movie if they had the money to pay him for more scenes.

So how do I review this movie? Well it is what it is and for that it is a load of fun (no pun intended). These movies have been made before and will be again. This is a better than average version. If you like this kind of movie it is worth the watch. Judging it for what it is I give it a 5. If you just want to veg and watch a movie with just enough nudity to keep your attention without really having to think, well there you go.
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You Get What You Came for But Disappointing Production Value
TahoeEast24 October 2012
For it's genre it's not bad. The group of women on their journey to the band competition are all attractive -- a couple are insanely hot but the director, DP, and editor did them no justice and should quit the industry. Great T&A -- which should be one of only two reasons to watch it.

I mentioned genre and I hate to use that word because it implies that the work is somehow comparable to what Netflix refers to as "Late Night Comedies." The more raunchy Skin-a-Max type of film. The script for this was weak but mostly fit the bill.

My problem was with continuity. You could be making a student film with that hot goth girl who acts totally disinterested but secretly obsesses with seeing herself on camera and still get the freaking continuity down. The direction and editing were amateurish, at best. The acting was so-so although I have to say Rachel Alig stands out. It's a shame she didn't get a better script.

If you are bored at night and don't want to watch another end-of-the- world documentary then this is an acceptable substitute. Otherwise, I'd pass.
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Another dire Asylum teen comedy
TheLittleSongbird13 October 2013
Bikini Spring Break doesn't reach the atrocious depths that Celebrity Sex Tape and especially Sex Pot fell into. It is still a dire movie though, in fact none of the Asylum teen comedies are remotely good with Barely Legal being the least bad(and personal ranking for that movie was 3/10). The only things that stop Bikini Spring Break from being rated any lower are Robert Carradine, the best and only actor in the movie to reach decent level and the beauty of Rachel Alig. Other than that the acting is just awful, there is next to no knack for comic timing and like the other teen comedies from the Asylum the girls are hot but their acting talents certainly do not match. That's not all that bad in Bikini Spring Break. The characters are not interesting or likable in the slightest and are just plain obnoxious. The dialogue is the very meaning of crass and unfunny as well as unbelievably stupid. The story just isn't there and is little more than an excuse to string along tired comedy and nudity scenes, never does it seem to go anywhere. The direction also seems to be non-existent, it reads of just do what you think you can do best and we'll capture it on screen quality, and seems to be reliant on the actors rather than the dialogue. Seeing as the acting is bad, that was a failure. The production values look cheap, the scenery and lighting look over-saturated and plastic-looking, and the editing was clearly done by an amateur. The soundtrack and such is not particularly memorable and does very little in driving the movie, it just seems...there for the sake of having to be there. All in all, not the worst of the Asylum teen comedies but still dire. 2/10 Bethany Cox
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Pointless, Asylum, pointless.
BlackJack_B27 July 2013
Probably the most interesting fact about the film is that Robert Carradine is in it and in the same year he appeared in this awful movie, he also had a role in Django Unchained. I used to think Rena Riffel's double was the most impressive thing in Hollywood (Showgirls and Striptease) but the fact Carradine appeared in one movie with the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio, Jamie Foxx and Samuel L. Jackson and direction from Quentin Tarentino and then appeared in this film with a bunch of Hollywood lookalikes (one actress looked like a taller, healthier Selena Gomez, another may be a Jennifer Lawrence clone) in the same year is mind-boggling.

Unlike, say, The 18 Year-Old Virgin or Barely Legal (quickly becoming a personal cult classic), Bikini Spring Break features zero appealing characters, a plot full of holes, non-existent acting and awful pacing. Scenes go on forever, the personalities show zero character development and there's little logic. Just lots of bare breasts.

The actresses playing these one-dimensional characters pretty much play their real-life selves. I saw the movie as a slice of reality of the mind-sets of dumb bimbos than actresses portraying said bimbos.

The threadbare plot sees these moronic beauties driving from Los Angeles to Miami for a Marching Band contest and having their bus break down in Daytona, where they go through the same stuff we've seen for 30-40 years. Nothing ground breaking. Carradine plays their teacher who bravely tries to make the most of his role in order to salvage something when he showed up on to the set of Django Unchained to be ridiculed for appearing in BSP.

There are better raunchy comedies from The Asylum. Unless you can't get enough of bare breasts, pass.
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Rates decently on the T&A scale
a972233341027 August 2012
What makes this movie so spectacular isn't the great writing. It isn't the wonderful acting, either. It's the women! Each one of these unlikely band nerds has an amazing body with absolutely impeccable breasts. The opening credits let you know that this movie is pure eye candy. Revenge of the Nerds' Gilbert co-stars as the alcoholic band director of the hottest community college band on Earth. For some reason only the hottest girls are made to travel across the country in a school bus for a band competition. The hijinks ensue as these beauties find themselves broken down in a town right in the middle of Spring Break. Pop some popcorn and grab a beer because this movie is available to watch right now from streaming Netflix. 7 out of 10 on the T&A scale.
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Lame, even for a bikini movie
melissausaki24 October 2012
From the cover DVD photo you can tell that the girls are as old as Saggy Maggie, and the one with the red wig is chubby as hells. Comedy my asshole. Keep looking if you want to watch a sexy comedy. There are two things that I do not do...guys and this movie. OMG why did I watch this movie for almost 22 minutes? My rabbit was recharging, and I needed to kill some time. The old and dated "Bikini Carwash Company" and "Bikini Summer" do a better blowjob of movie entertainment than this piece of poo-poo. Yes, I said it. Poo-poo and Doo-Doo is what this movie makes me think of when it is on the television. If there had been some "2Girls1Cup" action going' on in this one, at least it would have been shocking. Next time, just go for the gold and watch "Showgirls" 1995 with Jesse Spano. It's a guaranteed full on c-chubby.
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community college filming
movielolz28 August 2012
Warning: Spoilers
if you are a tax payer you better watch this to see what your money goes into.

it is such a low budget production that only strippers could be afforded.

it has no plot but more of a general direction for a road trip.

i am pretty sure amateur porn stars make for better actors, and this is where your taxes/hard earned money ends up, community college film schools...

have a nice day!

ps. boobage is OK, but waste of my time
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Nothing but bouncy flesh...
paul_haakonsen15 April 2017
Well, with a title such as "Bikini Spring Break" it should be pretty self-explanatory about the movie. But hey, it is a comedy, and it could just happen to turn out to have been an enjoyable comedy and a good comedy at that. With that in mind I sat down to watch "Bikini Spring Break".

Which I should not have done. I should have listened to that little voice in the back of the head saying "no! Don't do it!" This movie turned out to be nothing more than an excuse for director Jared Cohn to show off women's breasts. The storyline was non-existing and whatever was there just fell to the floor as it was apparently more important to focus on showing off naked breasts than working on having a storyline that would hold in an audience which were beyond giggling over naked breasts.

I managed to suffer through 40 minutes of excruciating and gut-wrenching awful movie history here as I hoped and hoped again that the movie would pick up and the bare, naked breasts fetish was just a phase for director Jared Cohn. But that was not to be, and I ended up more than fed up with this, and pardon the language, but rubbish movie.

The acting in the movie was adequate, taking into consideration that they had next to nothing to work with.

The comedy also died a slow and horrible death in this movie, as it was left unattended as the director was too busy cramming as many naked breasts into each frame as humanly possible.

If you enjoy a good comedy, and if you are beyond giggling over a naked breast (which you can essentially see almost anywhere nowadays anyway), then do yourself a favor and do not waste your time, money or effort on "Bikini Spring Break". Some of us suffered so you don't have to.
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I'r rather mutilate myself.
DustinRahksi8 September 2013
Please read in a slow sad and depressed voice.

I don't think I'll ever comprehend the mind of a woman, and why they do these things. Once again this film caters to social degenerates who never got any in the real. Or frat boy douche bags. There's no story, except woman get naked and wet and act like complete sluts. That's the moral of this film, women are objects that serve one purpose to men. The characters are portrayed as complete morons, but that's what makes them completely realistic. It's a bad movie, front and back. In fact, it's not even a movie, but more of a girls gone wild feature length film. These types of movie really make me question life, and if I should ever even get involved with another human being, the safe bet is no, keep doing what your doing. The film has no plot, no nothing. There is a reason why stuff like this is free on the internet, and why it should be kept away from film.

This movie saddens me deeply, but everything portrayed in the film is 100 percent realistic, so people don't need a paycheck to do this kind of stuff. I honestly tied not to fast forward through it, but it was mentally abusive, and I couldn't take it anymore.

Here is a sad and depressing review, as always, stay away from this film. Unless you're a fan of Asylum films, then knock your self out. Seriously.
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Stupid, Yet Endearing
CaptainNegative6 January 2019
Bikini Spring Break is not a good movie, by any stretch of the imagination, but it certainly has its charms and is much more watchable and fun than an awful lot of other films of this genre. The characters are also very likable, so its hard not to enjoy it and just go along for the ride, even if it is super cheesy.
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just boobs
SnoopyStyle18 September 2016
Coach Gill (Robert Carradine) gives Zoe a camera but she and Alice end up flashing their boobs unknowingly on the jumbo screen. Dean Hanlo sends the band to the national. Zoe, Alice, Whitney, Michelle, and Franny don't want to fly and drive a school bus cross country to Florida. The bus breaks down after Zoe puts in gas instead of diesel and they struggle to make money to fix the bus. Constance is a local out to stop the immorality of Spring Break. This is a stupid sexploitation movie but it knows its target audience. It's boobs, boobs, and more boobs. It's a bunch giggly young women flashing their boobs for the young male audience. It's not more than that and less than a real movie.
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An effort that slips through the thin crack of film criticism
StevePulaski5 August 2014
Bikini Spring Break is one stock instrumental song and softcore sex scene away from being the perfect late-night, Skinemax fare and should be treated/critiqued like a film from the genre that decided to deviate off-course and venture into feature-film, raunchy comedy territory. Films like these are always an interesting breed, a breed I find myself sneering at or simply ignoring as their life is generally defined by existing in a Redbox machine or a lonely DVD shelf, bearing throwaway covers, horrible acting, and a screenplay dedicated to the appreciation of breasts and buttocks in a juvenile, crass sense rather than an artistic one.

Biking Spring Break lures one in with the assumption it will be just that, but also a film with some more intriguing promise in the comedy realm, while in reality, its existence is heavily questionable and its overall effect is moot at best. Never in my life would I have thought a film with its title could be such a dreary slog through prepubescent humor and bikini-clad drudgery, but even the immature soul inside me couldn't muster up enough excitement to be anything other than momentarily entertained by such a ridiculous and redundant film. This film desperately needed a visit from the likes of B-movie, softcore guru Jim Wynorski, who could take all the breasts in this film and put them to more of an artistic, humorous use with more flair and excitement.

The film follows a group of college-age coeds, who are a part of their community college's marching band, run by the lackadaisical and careless Gil (Robert Carradine). Despite being abysmal marchers, the girls of the group are incredibly passionate about what they do, frequently trying to make the best out of every situation and win over the hearts of the crowd. The girls now must make it to a competition hundreds of miles away, but realize this plan has become a near impossibility with their bus breaking down and in dire need of a new motor. Being its spring break weekend, the girls realize their only hope of gathering up the money to either rent a new bus or fix their current one is to take part in some racy spring break activities, such as Jello-wrestling and wet t-shirt contests, all while trying to resist the call of a local activist who is trying to ban nudity at all spring break events.

I don't really bother focusing too much of my reviews on the quality of acting because it's difficult to analyze "good" or "bad" acting without providing specific examples and evolving past basic generalities that are clouded by buzzwords. However, the acting in Bikini Spring Break deserves a mention for its array of uninspired actresses. Most of the actresses read lines as if they are testing them out through the first table read, while others recite lines with the same kind of dreary stiffness you'd expect out of a group of people who were forced against their will to be a part of someone's passion project. The only one who seems to actually be trying here is Carradine and even he isn't worth noting too much.

The biggest issue with the film is a common one with these direct-to-DVD films that convey the idea and assumption of debauchery and lewd events when they deliver so very little of those things. It's a problem I call "promise vs. delivery," where the film occasionally wants to be dirty and quite graphic but overall doesn't want to go that far. If you're film is titled "Bikini Spring Break" and you cop out at the occasional breast-shot and wet t-shirt contest, it's the equivalent of mentally preparing yourself for a party and knocking back two light beers before saying "I quit." Bikini Spring Break at least has the saving grace of being consistently funny in a mild-to-moderate sense, never making the audience bust a gut but at least throwing in enough laughs to where the comedy brand of the film is at least alive and kicking. Yet even with such humor can't make up for the abundance of poor acting and incredible lack of the exact thing the film should boast and embrace. The entire project feels like one of direct-to-DVD cinema's greatest cop outs.

NOTE: I didn't discover until shortly after writing this review that Bikini Spring Break was released by The Asylum, a film company that has predicated their very existence off of very low budget action movies and cheap, poorly-conceived "mockbusters," or films that bear similar features to recent theatrical releases of the time. Bikini Spring Break is actually The Asylum's take on Harmony Korine's Spring Breakers and perfectly shows how one can be a stimulating critique of society and the other can be challenged for a very reason to exist.

Starring: Rachel Alig, Virginia Pertucci, and Robbert Carradine. Directed by: Jared Cohn.
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Okay of its type
jmatrixrenegade21 June 2014
Add or or two starts if you are watching it late at night, changing channels while doing so, only watch a few decent segments (like the beginning locker room scene) or are drunk.

This is not high art. It is boring in large doses. But, relatively painless in small doses and a few of the women are nice on the eyes as well as pleasant enough actresses. And, you have Robert Carradine who earns his paycheck while mostly retaining his dignity.

A few reviews gave this a crummy rating. But, really, what does one expect of this sort of straight to um DVD / cable stuff? On a curve, I'd give it three stars.
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mark_picies2 May 2014
This movie is a cinematic masterpiece!!! I haven 't seen a movie this good since The Amazing Spiderman 2 The twists and turns made me feel like I was on a roller-coaster, of emotions ;) I would recommend this movie to any intelligent person with a sense of humor, 10/10 would watch again. This movie is a cinematic masterpiece!!! I haven 't seen a movie this good since The Amazing Spiderman 2 The twists and turns made me feel like I was on a roller-coaster, of emotions ;) I would recommend this movie to any intelligent person with a sense of humor, 10/10 would watch again. This movie changed my life as I know it. 10/10 :D
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Very reasonable and natural or what we expect from humans!
mdada14 September 2013
I enjoyed this movie more than I can give credit here. I felt every one was very natural in acting, in body or scenes. This film gives a very realistic perspective of beauty vs some very out of ordinary people. All actors looked very real life and every thing was real life. Story was little bit shallow but so is the case in many good ones and depth of story is never a barometer of entertainment. Ending was sort of less dramatic which probably caused this to loose some votes but that happens. In real life I have seen people winning grand prize because there was no one to compete. I felt at home in every part of this movie. I am myself a movie making wannabe and this is very inspiring vs trying to make Transformers.
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