Patsy: Now I know we've all been down in the dumps lately what with things getting a bit... suicide-y. But one of the guests has given me the perfect idea to perk us up. As of today, I'm going to be watching you all like a hawk, and whoever impresses me most...
[She trails off as she sees Hal]
Hal: You do realize you've stopped speaking.
Patsy: Will be named employee of the month!
Alex: How do you know my name?
Oliver: Because I've been watching you.
Alex: All right good. 'Cos I thought it'd be something creepy.
Oliver: And hiding outside are Hal and Tom. The vampire and the werewolf.
[They come in]
Alex: And you are?
Oliver: Oliver Fitzwilliam Pryor, at your service.
Alex: And what are you doing here?
Oliver: Playing soldiers, you great ninny.
Hal: Who's the hell is that?
Alex: I don't know.
Tom: What's he doing here?
Alex: I don't know!
Hal: Well, what does he want?
Alex: I don't know! But maybe if you keep asking me I'll magically find out.
Tom: You know when I transform, I should drag you around on a piece of string in the woods.
Tom: I'm saying you're a chicken.
Hal: Thank you. I got the analogy.
Alex: I think the house is haunted.
Hal: Alex, there's no easy way to say this.
Alex: No, not me, idiot. There's another one, you have to come home.
Tom: [to Oliver] We don't want you getting poorly now, do we?
Alex: He's been dead for a hundred years. How much more poorly can he get?
Alex: No, that is a classic "I want the day off school" cough. I've heard it a thousand times.
Oliver: Thank you all. You've been so very kind. And if I don't make it, please... don't forget me.
Alex: You know Decky used to look up symptoms online all the time except he could never be bothered looking up the diagnosis.
[Hal and Tom quietly leave]
Alex: There was this one time he said he couldn't go to school because he'd just started the menopause. Oh you two are so getting a slap.
Alex: So what do you want to do then? Play some football? Climb some trees?
Oliver: What kind of low-born ruffian do you take me for?
Alex: TV it is.
Alex: What's all this in aid of?
Alex: Don't you like a party? Who doesn't like a party? Everybody likes a party. It's the fucking law.
Tom: Imagine having "Employee of the Month" written on your CV. Imagine having a CV.
Hal: You can have a CV. I'll type you up a CV as soon as I'm done disinfecting the keyboard.
Patsy: This whole experience has been incredibly stressful so if you wanted to, to give me a back rub that would be fine.
Hal: Now you listen to me, if you want this place to be a success then Tom McNair is exactly the employee you need. The problem with you, Patsy, is that you are an inveterate snob. You'd rather reward someone who is well-spoken and disinterested than someone who is a little rough around the edges but utterly committed. Now that is not an environment I wish to work in, so if he goes I go.
Tom: [Cut to them leaving] Well that was stupid. Now none of us have got a job.
Hal: I think the phrase you're looking for is "Thank you."
Alex: Time to say goodbye.
Hal: Of course. I mean, it's what we expected.
Alex: Not to you, you idiot. To them. To this. They've started rebuilding their world. As the distance gets greater and greater they're just going to get stronger and stronger. To watch that happen would be like slowly dying again. I've got to move on as much as they do. Come on. Let's, let's go home.
Tom: There's nothing you wouldn't do to beat me, is there? Well it doesn't matter how far you are up Patsy's bum, I'm going to win this competition.
Hal: If only you could. I've been trying to throw the bloody thing all day, but no matter how shit I try to be, you find a way of being shitter.
Dominic Rook: We don't really do badges. I mean it's undercover work and a badge would rather give the game away.
Ian Crumb: That makes total sense! You're smart. You're very smart.
Dominic Rook: Instead. You get this pen. This very special pen.
[Hands him a pen]
Ian Crumb: [Excited] Oh, does it shoot poison gas? Or pellets? or poison gas pellets?
Ian Crumb: No. It's essentially a pen.
Tom: What's that you're doing?
Hal: I'm disinfecting the keyboard with pure alcohol and a cotton ball.
Tom: I'd never think of doing that. I'm never gonna win this competition, am I?
Hal: This isn't part of the competition. Doesn't everyone do this?