- Will McAvoy: I only seem liberal because I believe that hurricanes are caused by high barometric pressure and not gay marriage.
- Reese Lansing: Every second you're not current a thousand people are changing the channel to the guy who is. That's the business you're in. MSNBC, FOX and CNN all say she's dead. Don, tell him. Don!
- Don Keefer: It's a person. A doctor pronounces you're dead, not the news.
- Will McAvoy: Mac, get in here with Charlie right now.
- Mackenzie MacHale: Is everything...
- Will McAvoy: Right now!
- [points to Charlie as he enters the room]
- Will McAvoy: You tell Leona that if she wants me out of this chair, she better bring more than just a couple of guys.
- Charlie Skinner: That's exactly what I'll fucking tell her!
- Will McAvoy: I'm not fucking around, Charlie!
- Charlie Skinner: Feet of fucking steel!
- Will McAvoy: Mac
- Mackenzie MacHale: I'm sorry.
- Will McAvoy: It's not your fault
- Mackenzie MacHale: I fucked everything up.
- Will McAvoy: It's gonna be all right.
- Don Keefer: [Entering the studio] What the fuck is going on?
- Will McAvoy: You're a fucking newsman, Don! I ever tell you otherwise, you punch me in the face!
- Don Keefer: Okay, but you're back in 30.
- Charlie Skinner: Have you read The New York Post?
- Will McAvoy: No, my eyes are connected to my brain.
- Wade Campbell: You know I'm an assistant US attorney for the southern district, right?
- Will McAvoy: Yeah
- Wade Campbell: Well, right now, my job is prosecuting financial crime.
- Will McAvoy: Well, you know, Wade, fell free to start any time.
- [about Obama's visit to India and the absurdly exaggerated figure of the cost]
- Will McAvoy: In spite of there being no source for this information, to say nothing of the absurdity of the figure, Fox News grabs the baton.
- Glenn Beck: So he's travelling with 34 warships, an entourage-
- [footage stops]
- Will McAvoy: Oh yeah, and he added 34 warships. Or, 14% of the U.S. Navy.
- Will McAvoy: Was I called in on a Saturday for Bigfoot?
- Neal Sampat: I think you're gonna find this interesting.
- Will McAvoy: I think you don't know what that word means.
- Will McAvoy: Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, founder of the Tea Party Caucus, who herself has a difficult relationship with reality, ignores the statement from the White House.
- Carrie: [Will takes Carrie's gun away from her and points it at Carrie, who looks stunned] Is it wrong that I'm turned on by that?
- Will McAvoy: Yes!
- Monica: Am I mean and insensitive?
- Will McAvoy: You, you are a smart, accomplished woman. You work for a U.S. senator.
- Monica: Am I mean and insensitive?
- Will McAvoy: Yes, but thank goodness you met me in time, because now-
- [Monica throws her drink in Will's face and storms off]
- Will McAvoy: . I can't believe how often this is happening.
- Nina Howard: Are we gonna go back to flirting, or are you gonna keep putting me down?
- Will McAvoy: I'm not putting you down. I'm just saying that what you do is a really bad form of pollution that makes us dumber and meaner and is destroying civilization. I'm saying, with all possible respect, that I would have more respect for you if you were a heroin dealer. And I'm speaking professionally, not personally.
- Nina Howard: Ok, Will. I'm speaking personally when I say fuck you. And you just passed up a sure thing.
- Charlie Skinner: On the off chance that you're not going to live forever, why not take a shot at being happy now?
- Will McAvoy: How many women did you date before you finally found the one?
- Charlie Skinner: Doesn't matter how may I dated before. I didn't date anyone after.
- Will McAvoy: It probably helped that she didn't pull your heart out, throw it into an oven preheated to 450 degrees, bake it in a light honey glaze, and serve it to you on a bed of rice.
- Maggie Jordan: Take a couple hours off.
- Jim Harper: I will.
- Maggie Jordan: Will you? Because it's a party, have you ever been to one?
- Jim Harper: I've been to over three of them.