Lance Rockett: OK, now remember, you two have never seen me before in your life.
Joe: Scout's honor.
Lance Rockett: Wait. You're boy scouts? That's hot.
Laura: Sorry I'm late. Saw a dead raccoon on the road on my way over here. Had a bit of a struggle getting it into my trunk. It may not have been completely dead. But now it is.
Laura: Didn't you boys get each other anything?
Joe: We don't exchange gifts. It devalues the spirit of the holidays amongst dudes.
Adam: We don't have any money.
Joe: And there's that.
Joe: Is Hanukkah ever this weird?
Adam: Not really. Although sometimes Hanukkah comes in November which is really messed up. It's like you're just going about your business and then SURPRISE! HANUKKAH! It's pretty crazy.
Joe: And that's how we became best friends.
Corri: What about the dead body?
Joe: There wasn't one.
Joe: My parents just couldn't afford crayons.
Laura: I want to see a dead body.
Joe: Maybe later, Babe.
Joe: So what do we do now? No TV. Cold food. Should we play a game?
Adam: We could play a game of wine.
Laura: How do you you play?
Adam: Well, basically, we open the other bottles of wine that you ladies brought and then we drink them.
Laura: How do you win?
Adam: Everybody wins at wine, Laura. Everybody wins.
Adam: Remember we went to see Halloween 5 for our first date and we had to bribe that high school kid to buy us the tickets because we weren't old enough?
Corri: That's right! Hey, did they ever explain who that guy was at the end with the boots on that busted Michael Myers out of jail?
Adam: [Bitter] Nope.
Joe: Well, they actually tried in part 6 but... yeah...
Lance Rockett: What's in it for me?
Joe: Oh, only a few free CDs I stole from Strawberries.
Lance Rockett: [Looks in the bag] I already got Trixter.
Joe: Right, but now you can have one that you can listen to and one that's unopened in it's original wrapping.
Lance Rockett: [Thinks] That Trixter album will be a collector's item one day. OK, wait here.
Corri: Hey, speaking of surprises, do you remember when we set up Joe and laura on their first date?
Adam: How could I forget.
Joe: Greatest day of our lives, right Babe?
Laura: Second greatest.
Joe: What was the first greatest?
Laura: [Looking at Adam angrily] The day that Jesus was born.
Adam: Oh, come on! How is that the greatest day of your life? You weren't even alive then!
Laura: Funny, I don't remember you being there.
Joe: When that show starts I wanna get right to the front of the stage, OK? I wanna get so close that I can see Layne Staley's track marks.
Joe: [Regarding Adam and Corri holding hands] Do you two ever stop? You've been holding hands forever.
Laura: I'll hold your hand forever if you want.
Joe: Do... do you...
Laura: Do I what?
Joe: Do you have five bucks? Parking.
Adam: Corri, at least let me drive you home. Then I'll know you got home alright and I'd love to see your parents...
Corri: -My parents don't need to see you, Adam.
Adam: [to Corri] When I'm near you I'm happy. Like when we used to go to the movies, just being able to sit next to you, nothing else in the world can compare to that feeling of being near you. And I think that's why I picked this stupid career. It's so that I can always feel like I did when I was with you. And no matter how bad it gets and how many times I get rejected and told no... and how broke I am... I just keep going 'cause it's worth it because maybe I'll be able to feel like I did when I was with you. I am so in love with you how do you not see it? I just wanna be with you and... and... and marry-
[His own tears cut him off]
Corri: Somebody just tell another story.
Adam: How about how we got to know our boss Lance Rockett?
Laura: Let me guess, you guys went into the cable station and applied for a job?
Joe: [Speaking over Adam] Well it all started in High School...
Adam: [Speaking over Joe] We were in High School and...
Joe: Do you wanna...?
Adam: No why don't you do it.
Joe: No, no please.
Adam: No, go ahead
Joe: No, please.
Adam: Clearly you wanna tell the story. It's all you.
Joe: No, it's your flashback. You wrote it, so... please.
Adam: Yeah, well, you know what? I don't even know it. So why don't you do it.
Adam: [Finishes his wine. Puts it down. Looks back at Joe] G'head.
Joe: [Puts down his wine] Please.
Corri: Maybe if you both just split it up...
[He and Joe get into a stare off, neither of them willing to budge or say anything for an uncomfortable few minutes]
Adam: And that's why Jewish people are smarter than everyone else. It all starts with the fact that Santa Claus isn't real -
[Laura smacks him across the face]
Adam: Ow! What was that for?
Laura: Just getting you ready for the pain you'll feel when you burn in hell.
Adam: [Smugly] Don't believe in hell.
Laura: [Demonic voice] But hell believes... in you.
[Turning to the camera with a Kermit the Frog impression]
Laura: It's the Holliston Christmas Special, yaaaaay!
Crazy Max: Ho, ho, ho! It's christ-max time at Crazy Max's discount mart in Holliston! Other stores call their December sales "holiday sales" because they don't want to offend anybody but I say FUCK YOU it's Christmas! You say it's Hanukkah, too? NO ONE CARES!
Adam: What are you still doing up?
Oderus Urungus: I always stay up late on Christmas Eve. Been waiting for Santa Claus ever since I was a baby scumdog.
Adam: But Santa never came?
Oderus Urungus: He never came.
Adam: Dude, I didn't know that you were Jewish, too!
Oderus Urungus: Ewww! I may not deserve presents, but I'm not evil!
Adam: Jewish people are NOT evil.
Oderus Urungus: Tell it to Mel Gibson, my Hebrew friend. I saw the movie. I SAW THE MOVIE!
Corri: [Regarding the mistletoe] We don't want to mess with tradition. I feel like messing with Jesus on Christmas and stuff is bad.
Adam: No. Don't want to do that. I mean especially, it's not even my tradition, but you know I don't want to piss him off any more than my people already did. The whole, you know, throwing him out of the club, throwing him on the cross thing, he's still not over that and so it would just be really awkward. And then he'd come back and be all like "ALL THIS I DID FOR THEE! BRAINS! ARRGH!" and he'd eat me and then he'd eat Santa and Rudolph and Inspector Gadget or whatever you guys are into, I don't know. But I think we should do it for... we should do it for Jesus.
Corri: We should do it for Jesus.