- Barney Stinson: Stop pining over Marshall and Lily! Have some self respect. Now put this fiver in your mouth so that stripper with the lazy eye can vacuum it up with...
- Ted Mosby: Barney! I'm allowed to miss them alright? They're my two best friends.
- Barney Stinson: I'm your two best friends!
- Barney Stinson: Yes! Tonight is gonna be Legen... wait are we sure it's a good idea to go to a strip club? Shut Up Lily I'm in charge now... Dary!
- Mickey Aldrin: This lamp absolutely can not be here.
- Marshall Eriksen: [Annoyed] Why not?
- Mickey Aldrin: It blocks my view of the widow Rodriguez doing her Jane Fonda work-outs.
- Lily Aldrin: Isn't she a little old dad?
- Mickey Aldrin: You didn't see her when I was a kid. In my mind, she'll always be fifty-four.
- Mickey Aldrin: [Watching from his window] That's right Widow Rodriguez; stretch it. Work out those gams. Yeah, grab that left arm, clutch that chest. Fall down really fast... oh my god! Somebody call 911!
- Marshall Eriksen: [after turning the power back on] I did it!
- Mickey Aldrin: No, Marshall. *You* did it.
- Marshall Eriksen: That's it, Mickey. Since you got here, you've been nothing but judgmental, pushy, and strangely obsessed with your adolescent sex life. Tomorrow morning, you're out of here.
- Mickey Aldrin: Well, I'm just trying to help...
- Marshall Eriksen: We don't need your help!
- Kevin: Hey guys where are Marshall and Lily?
- Robin Scherbatsky: Something terrible happened...
- Kevin: Are they okay? Are they in the hospital?
- Barney Stinson: No, somewhere much, much worse...
- Marshall Eriksen: Long Island!
- Robin Scherbatsky: [Sitting at the booth without Marshall and Lily] Look at what's become of our booth.
- Ted Mosby: Looks like my old shop teachers hand - just sort of missing something.
- Barney Stinson: As new group leader, I say we do something we never would have done with Marshall and Lily here. Remember that amazing idea I had that one time?
- Barney Stinson: [Title says "Every night since 2005] Let's go to a strip club.
- Lily Aldrin: Nope.
- Barney Stinson: [Back to present] So, what do you guys say? Let's declare your Independence with a on-the-pen-dance.
- [Gets silence]
- Barney Stinson: on-the-pen-dance.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah, we got it.
- Marshall Eriksen: We've got no cell reception. I wanted to call Ted. This feels weird; the last time I lived this far from him was my semster abroad.
- Lily Aldrin: You never did a semester abroad?
- Marshall Eriksen: That's what I called it when we lived on opposite sides of the campus.
- Narrator: A while back we discovered the most amazing thing: Lily had a doppelganger who was a Russian stripper
- Barney Stinson: Look at her Ted: she's just like old less-good Lily, but instead of bossing us around, she shows us her boobs.
- [Moves a hand toward her]
- Stripper Lily: [Slaps his hand] No touching.
- Barney Stinson: Okay, a little bossing us around. I call her Better Lily!
- Arvydas: [about Stripper Lily] Want to touch my girlfriend's boobs? Fifty bucks.
- Barney Stinson: Wait, Better Lily is dating this behemoth? Sound like anyone you know? That's new Marshall! This is our gang now!
- Mickey Aldrin: [On the intercom while Marshall is walking through the dark house] Hello Mr. Eriksen. From the sound of the wind-chimes I hear you made it to the first floor
- Marshall Eriksen: You know what Mickey, you can save the creepy game-master routine. It's only kind of terrifying me.
- Mickey Aldrin: Oh, but the game has just begun. I call it "try not to bang into all the furniture and stuff on the way to the fuse box in the basement. Marshall" It's just all working title.
- Ted Mosby: [Drunk] Who needs Marshall and Lily. We have a new gang and we're all gonna hang out together forever.
- Stripper Lily: My shift is done. Good-bye.
- Barney Stinson: Wait, stop! Technically this song's not over, so we own you. Plus, we're best friends! Where to next?
- Arvydas: We go to underground poker game in mostly abandoned insane asylum.
- Barney Stinson: Yes! This is going to be AWESOME. And when it is I want you all to remember who lead you there: Barney Stinson; new gang leader.
- [Cut to sketchiest poker game ever]
- Lily Aldrin: [Marshall is still wondering around in dark] Marshall! I just remember I saw a box of matches in the drawer next to the trash can.
- Marshall Eriksen: Thanks baby
- [See Mickey dart around Marshall and take the matches]
- Marshall Eriksen: Lily, I can't find them!
- Mickey Aldrin: [On the inter-com, lights match] Looking for these?
- [laughs evilly]
- Mickey Aldrin: Oh right, you can't see me. I'm burning the matches you so desperately need
- [laughs evilly until the match burns to his fingers]
- Mickey Aldrin: Ah! Ooo. Ow!
- Stripper Lily: [Ted, Robin, Barney, and Kevin just escaped a poker game with some Russians] We go to party at slaughterhouse. You come?
- Robin Scherbatsky: [thought] Please God, no!
- Barney Stinson: [thought] Don't let me be in charge of the gang anymore!
- Butterfly Knife: [thought] I can't believe that Kevin doesn't remember me from our sessions three years ago.
- Kevin: [thought] Is that the lunatic who stabbed all those prison guards?