Everyone gather 'round for today's lesson: How to make yourself feel more important than you really are. Time and history have proved there are several ways to go about this, but today we'll limit our discussion to the one relevant to this website and "movie." It's a simple lesson, really: Get yourself an IMDb profile! But, you might ask, aren't those limited only to REAL "stars" in show business? Or at least those with legitimate credentials in the industry? Answer to both questions: Triggerfish! (Translation: NO!)
To reach this hallowed ground, basically you begin with a pretty fair amount of mommy and daddy's money, be it your own or someone's to whom you are connected. In this case, around $200,000-300,000 will do.
Once you've done that, you round up all the people you know, whether they have the slightest experience or not, and start handing out titles. Who cares if the product is any good ... you and 50 of your friends just earned yourselves an IMDb profile! Which means you've made it big! The best part: You all can write each other's bios and make yourselves sound really avant garde. You know, like so-and-so only takes roles with real substance, when the truth is no one's ever offered them one!
Seriously — one actor's profile begins, he "is the epitome of the Jack-of-all-Trades/Master of being a Jack-of-all-Trades: An actor, avid musician, keen photographer, longtime model and teacher. This quick-witted performer truly enjoys all facets of art." Written by ... none other than his girlfriend, who, amusingly enough, also has a role in this "movie."
Someone remind me the last time a movie with a budget of $0.2 million needed NINE "associate producers," two "executive producers," and another kind of producer I can't even recall since it was tough enough to remember titles for the first 11. Guess they haven't heard the one about the whole cooks-to-kitchens ratio.
The result will almost surely be what one might expect from the Charlotte, N.C., pseudo "in-crowd" — in other words, one long glorified home movie of people with no acting experience or ability struggling through a story idea one of them had while in between shots of Crown. There won't be any indie awards, nor should anyone look for this ego trip at Cannes.
At best, this will be an insult to the authentic, struggling and gritty filmmakers out there, and at worst just another way for a bunch of title-hounds to tell the world "Look at me! I'M important! Check me out on IMDb!"
