- Troy Barnes: There are a couple of things we're hoping you'll help us with.
- Abed Nadir: Yes. Like where does the water go in the iron?
- Troy Barnes: And what's the iron for?
- Abed Nadir: And what gets out Kool-Aid stains?
- Troy Barnes: We already know the opposite color Kool-Aid doesn't work.
- Annie Edison: You can pay me back by helping me get all my stuff from Troy and Abed's.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You're moving again? How long was I out? Is Napster still a thing?
- Annie Edison: But what about the dreamatorium?
- Abed Nadir: Oh, it's staying. The dreamatorium is more important than any of us. But you're more important than our bedroom, so we put the bunk bed in the blanket fort.
- Pierce Hawthorne: This is all gay code.
- Britta Perry: What I'm saying, Annie, is that if you're gonna live with two guys like that, you've gotta learn to go limp.
- Troy Barnes: Hear me, hear me!
- [trumpeting]
- Abed Nadir: Presenting the real-life fairy tale of how princess Annie was saved from bad neighborhood forest by woodsman Troy.
- [grunts]
- Abed Nadir: And Bebad, his emotionally unavailable unicorn.
- [neighs]
- Abed Nadir: [Annie laughs]
- Troy Barnes: Brought to you by the girl-yogurt Jamie Lee Curtis uses to poop.
- [flatulence]
- Abed Nadir: There's a package of it in the fridge as a welcoming gift.
- Hitchhiker: [singing] Jesus loves marijuana / Jesus loves marijuana
- Britta Perry: Amen.
- Hitchhiker: Jesus loves marijuana / and drinking human blood, ohh
- [Britta and Shirley look at each other askance]
- Jeff Winger: Dean Pelton.
- Dean Pelton: Jeff, it's Saturday. Call me Craig. Off campus, I'm just a craigular Joe. Ooh, what'd you get? Ah, now I feel like I have to head back out there.
- Jeff Winger: Dean... uh, Craig, it's nice to see you but I actually have to run.
- Dean Pelton: Oh, yeah, you're probably heading to help Annie move. Right? Oh, I follow Troy and Abed on Twitter. Looks like Annie's moving and you're... sick at the hospital? Curious. I might head there myself. I could tell them you said hi.
- Jeff Winger: I'd rather you didn't.
- Dean Pelton: Well, maybe I won't have time. Especially if we're doing... lunch?
- [long, slow draw on straw]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Hold it. Where's Winger?
- Annie Edison: Sick.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Pshaw!
- Britta Perry: Yeah, I'm calling him.
- Jeff Winger: [cell phone rings in changing room]
- [fake raspy voice]
- Jeff Winger: Hello?
- Britta Perry: So you're sick, huh?
- Jeff Winger: Uh, that's what they tell me.
- Britta Perry: Cut the wit, Winger. Where are you, The Gap or Banana Republic?
- Jeff Winger: Wow, Britta, you got me all figured out.
- Britta Perry: Well I can tell you're not in bed.
- Jeff Winger: That's right, Britta. I'm pretending to be violently ill to avoid lifting a few boxes. Because I'm 13.
- Clerk: And who's your primary care physician, Mr. Winger?
- Jeff Winger: Uh, Dr. Schroeder. S-c-h. Um, do you want to see my insurance card?
- Clerk: Please.
- Britta Perry: Wait, are you at a hospital?
- Jeff Winger: No, I'm at The Gap.
- [price scanner beeping]
- Jeff Winger: You hear that? That's not a heart monitor. It's a machine telling me I'm low on khakis.
- Clerk: [over intercom] Dr. Tarpenian to radiology, Dr. Tarpenian.
- Britta Perry: Crap, I- I'm sorry. I just assumed...
- Jeff Winger: Whatever. I don't blame you. I've lied before. It's probably karma that I'm sick. But believe me, if you had what I have, you'd rather be moving boxes.
- Britta Perry: Okay, feel better. Sorry.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, I'll see you guys on Monday.
- [fake coughs]
- Jeff Winger: [disconnects] You are fantastic.
- Clerk: So are you. What are you doing after this?
- Jeff Winger: Probably trying a couple of boot-cuts. But after that... maybe, like, a blazer?
- Britta Perry: Yeah, but your religion isn't the same as morality and calling me amoral because I'm atheistic is religious persecution.
- Shirley Bennett: How can I religiously persecute you? You don't have a religion.
- Britta Perry: Oh, look! A hitchhiker. A person in need. Oh, my God. What am I doing? I'm pulling over to help him out.
- Shirley Bennett: Do not help him out.
- Britta Perry: Why, because it proves the existence of secular morality?
- [smiling]
- Shirley Bennett: No, because he looks stinky.
- Britta Perry: Judge not, Shirley. Judge not.
- Hitchhiker: I really appreciate it, thank you.
- Britta Perry: Where are you headed, fellow human?
- Hitchhiker: Riverside Falls?
- Shirley Bennett: That's 40 minutes away.
- Britta Perry: Oh, I guess I'm just a really good person.
- Hitchhiker: I knew you were. I could see the kindness in your faces. I assume you've both accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?
- [Britta's smile fades]
- Shirley Bennett: [smiling] Oh, that's nice.
- Abed Nadir: I am not surprised you're so taken aback. This apartment is where dreams come true.
- Troy Barnes: We spent our whole lives being told that blanket forts are only for special occasions, like sleepovers or when uncles die. That's a lie, Annie. You can live in a fort of blankets all day, every night.
- Annie Edison: It's so awesome. I'm surprised you guys haven't chosen to live in one.
- Abed Nadir: Well, we'll be spending enough time in yours. I mean, it's where we're gonna watch tv.
- Annie Edison: Right. Uh, what's that door over there? That's not a bedroom?
- Abed Nadir: No.
- Troy Barnes: [chuckles] Oh, no, no, no.
- Annie Edison: Is it a linen closet?
- Troy Barnes: Something like that. What's a linen closet?
- Hitchhiker: And that's when I realized I had to forgive them.
- Shirley Bennett: That's a beautiful story. So inspiring how he came to find the lord. Isn't it, Britta?
- Britta Perry: Yeah, yeah.
- Hitchhiker: Well, I didn't exactly have to find the lord. He was inside me.
- Shirley Bennett: Amen! What's your name, friend?
- Hitchhiker: Jesus.
- Shirley Bennett: Oh. Are you L... latino?
- Hitchhiker: No, my child. I am him.
- Shirley Bennett: You're what now?
- Hitchhiker: I am the one true son of God. I was sent here to save humanity.
- Shirley Bennett: [under her breath] Oh, no.
- Britta Perry: Well, it is a pleasure to have you in my car, Jesus.
- Shirley Bennett: Britta, stop. It's not funny now.
- Britta Perry: Hey Jesus, just curious, what's your position on marijuana?
- Hitchhiker: It was given to us by God. It should be legal.
- Britta Perry: Oh, that's nice.
- Hitchhiker: Thank you. Thank you very much. Now, with your permission, I'd like to sing a little song about race-mixing. This one's called "Don't You Do It."
- Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett: [brakes lock] Get out!
- Annie Edison: And you guys are hoarding this second bedroom as some kind of playroom? And making me sleep on a pile of laundry?
- Troy Barnes: Hey, we worked hard on that. And it's a blanket fort.
- Annie Edison: It's an asylum for half-witted children! As the only adult in this apartment, I am making an ultimatum. Me or this... stupid dreamatorium.
- Abed Nadir: Dreamatorium is non-negotiable. Read the lease.
- Troy Barnes: Especially the part we added in crayon. You don't wanna take this to court. Trust us, this place can be a courtroom in the blink of an eye.
- [Abed snaps his fingers]
- Annie Edison: I'm sick of this crap! Enjoy your stupid dreamatorium.
- [storms out]
- Troy Barnes: [angrily calls after] We will! Because this is our apartment, too! And just because we're awesome doesn't mean we're not adults!
- [slams door]
- Abed Nadir: Candy cigarette?
- Troy Barnes: I don't want a candy cigarette. I want our Annie.
- Abed Nadir: Yeah, we blew it.
- Troy Barnes: [takes candy cigarette from cigarette case] I picked the wrong week to quit.
- Dean Pelton: What do you want to do next? I paid for a full hour, so...
- Jeff Winger: I email my therapist from my Greendale account. The same account where I received an email from physique25 telling me about today's sale. Is that why you're at the mall? You read student emails?
- Dean Pelton: Oh, oh, now the patriot act says I can do it, Jeffrey... technically. Need I remind you the nation is at war... Ow!
- Jeff Winger: I'll kill you.
- Dean Pelton: No, Jeffrey, no! Jeffrey, Jeffrey come on! Just remember, we were making memories!
- [Sailing playing]
- Dean Pelton: No, Jeffrey, no! Aah! No, Jeffrey! No, no, it's too violent! You're scaring me! Don't let the terrorists win!
- Landlord: Your friend nearly killed himself.
- Annie Edison: Yeah, that's me. Lucky Annie.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I'm really sorry, Annie. I had some island girls over and one of them must have slipped me a Mickey.
- Abed Nadir: Also, Troy scraped me when we were fork-jousting last week and I don't think it's healing right.
- Annie Edison: Oh.
- Britta Perry: Ew!
- Annie Edison: Abed, that's infected.
- Troy Barnes: Infected. That's the word I was looking for.
- Jeff Winger: Hi, guys.
- Annie Edison: I thought you were sick.
- Jeff Winger: I was... n't. I kind of made it up to get out of helping.
- Britta Perry: Oh, that's okay.
- Jeff Winger: It is?
- Britta Perry: Yeah, it is. Oh! Hey, Jeff, did you know that when it snows my eyes become large?
- Abed Nadir, Britta Perry, Troy Barnes, Shirley Bennett: [singing] and the light that you shine can be seen...
- Jeff Winger: He tweeted it?
- Abed Nadir, Britta Perry, Troy Barnes, Shirley Bennett: Baby...
- Jeff Winger: [wails] He tweeted it!
- Abed Nadir, Britta Perry, Troy Barnes, Shirley Bennett: I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray
- Dean Pelton: [singing] and now that your rose is in bloom / a light hits the gloom on the gray
- Troy Barnes: We're sorry. Sometimes we get stuck in our own little world. And then in that world, we make even littler worlds. And sometimes there are tunnels between those worlds. Or a subway. One time a snake. We're sorry. Do you like it?
- Annie Edison: Of course, I do. It's perfect. I mean, I can rearrange the throw pillows. You have them arranged by size instead of color, but...
- Abed Nadir: [to Shirley] What did I say?
- [Shirley looks askance]
- Abed Nadir: Welcome, Annie, to your new home. Okay... to reacquaint you, there's the bathroom, kitchen, and, of course, our bedroom. And if the room's a rockin' please come a knockin' because there's something probably terribly wrong.
- Troy Barnes: Yeah, we're pretty chill in there.
- Jeff Winger: A siesta salad and an iced tea.
- Waiter: Excelente. And for you?
- Dean Pelton: [clears throat] Ahem.
- Jeff Winger: The gentleman...
- Dean Pelton: Oh...
- Jeff Winger: will have a top notch-os and a watermelon Margarita.
- Dean Pelton: Thank you, Jeffrey. So, any brothers or sisters?
- Jeff Winger: And we'll take the check too.
- Dean Pelton: Oh! What's the rush?
- Jeff Winger: We're eating lunch, and then I'm leaving.
- Dean Pelton: Okay. I just hope that I don't bump into your study group on Monday. And I pray they don't ask me who I saw at the mall on Saturday. Because, unlike a certain someone, I just don't think I could lie to those sweet people.
- Jeff Winger: Dean, this is blackmail.
- Dean Pelton: Ah! Call me Craig. And call blackmail "a day at the mall with Craig." Because that's all I require, Jeffrey. You and I are going to have some fun. And create a few memories. And I suggest you get into it. Because that counts.
- [mariachis enter]
- Mariachi Leader: A song for the señor, señor?
- Jeff Winger: [exhales] Adiós amores.
- [mariachis begin]
- Dean Pelton: Oh, what a surprise.
- Dean Pelton: Whoa! I just stand here? Oh, come on, Jeffrey. Get in here!
- [chuckling]
- Dean Pelton: This is gonna be fun! Or else. So we just punch in the numbers?
- karaoke operator: That's right.
- Dean Pelton: Okay, you know this one, Jeff. We've sang it a thousand times together in my mind.
- [Kiss From a Rose playing]
- Dean Pelton: Huh, huh? Oh come on, Jeffrey. Make or break time. Unless you want to be back here next Saturday.
- Jeff Winger: [singing] There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea...
- Dean Pelton: [singing] you became the light on this dark side of me...
- Dean Pelton, Jeff Winger: did you know the light that you shine can be seen?
- Abed Nadir: Oh, look out, asteroids!
- Troy Barnes: That was close. Thanks for getting us to planet Greendalia safely, horsebot 3000.
- Abed Nadir: [neighs] Well...
- Annie Edison: Oh, no! Greendalia has been overrun by evil King Blorgon!
- Abed Nadir: Look out, Troyborg! Pew pew pew! Ah! I'm dead.
- Troy Barnes: Horsebot 3000, no! I love you!
- Abed Nadir: I am King Blorgon and my plan is to blow up the world! Your lasers are useless against me.
- Troy Barnes: Aim for his butt. It's his only weakness. Pew pew! Bam bam!
- Abed Nadir: Aah!
- Annie Edison: We did it! Peace and tranquility have been restored to Greendalia.
- Troy Barnes: All thanks to horsebot 3000. He belongs to the stars now.
- [neighs]
- Britta Perry: All right, five more minutes and we should probably put a stop to this, right? Jeff, are you...
- Jeff Winger: [choked up] I liked horsebot 3000.