Trama

When Nick is hurt playing a game of touch football and Jess discovers he doesn't have insurance, she brings him to her doctor friend - an OB-GYN. The gang rallies together and Nick evaluates his life when his seemingly innocuous back injury may prove to be more serious than thought.—Fox Publicity

The guys play touch football, Schmidt suggests Jess go long and wait in the parking lot. Schmidt widely overthrows a wide open Nick, who starts to complain about the bad throw, but then gets completely jacked up by Jess. She puts a stick on him and levels him and he can't help but whine in pain.

Nick hobbles to the car, holding his back. "Are you sure you're OK? You're walking like a Disney witch," Jess says, offering to drive him to his doctor. He doesn't have insurance and he refuses to go to doctors.

They watch him get in his car and drive away, only to slam into the already demolished bumper of Winston's ancient SUV. Jess insists on taking him to see her friend Sadie.

In the waiting room, Nick looks around and notices all the women are pregnant. "Jess, is Sadie a gynecologist?" Nick asks. "No, she's an OB-GYN," Jess says. Nick tries to leave, but can't walk.

Winston takes his SUV to Sherman the mechanic, who says it's time to put it down. The SUV was given to him as an illegal recruitment gift from a college he didn't even go to. He's not ready to part with it. He takes the keys (the paperclip he starts the car with) and drives off.

In the exam room, Sadie feels Nick's back, which pretty much hurts everywhere. She clarifies that it's not an official exam and she's not officially telling him to take pills for the pain. She hands him up pills, which she tells him not to take. Jess tells him to take them. Sadie says don't. Finally, Nick pops them.

"Those are designed for severe menstrual cramps, so they should cure your baby back ache," Sadie says.

She watches Nick take a sip of water but then wants to touch his thyroid. He has a growth. Nick knew about it, but was ignoring it.

Sadie insists on setting up an ultrasound for Nick tomorrow morning, saying he'll have to find a way to afford it.

Later, Nick makes excuses to Jess about why he isn't going to go to the appointment, including that he's going to do some writing and has to work out and he lost a stamp. And he has to record whale sounds. Jess tells him he's going and does a Daffy Duck impression to try to sooth his fear.

Nick has to go to work. Jess insists on going. Winston and Schmidt go and look at him like he's about to die. Schmidt kisses him full on the lips. "Did you just Fredo kiss me?" Nick asks. Winston assures him he'll "beat this".

CeCe also heard, and would like a vodka soda.

In a booth, Schmidt thinks it's because he refuses to wear a Blue tooth. Nick brings them drinks, feeling good on his pills. "I feel really good in my uterus," Nick says.

Jess looks at Nick and gets choked up, which makes Schmidt cry, which leads to Winston crying. Nick insists he's fine, so Jess hands him his death diagnosis from her phone.

Later, a very hammered Nick admits the pills might have gotten a little on top of him. Schmidt tries to seek comfort in CeCe's chest. "Are you using your best friend's medical crisis to feel my boobs with your face?" she asks.

Jess tells a bad joke, so Nick prohibits her from speaking at his funeral. She's hurt. Winston assures her she wants no part of that.

Flash back to him in Chris Rock mode, at a funeral. "What kind of dummy fixes a washing machine using a knife? (Pointing to the casket) This kind of dummy!"

Nick tells her she's not allowed because it's his time to shine. He doesn't want Daffy Duck voices and feeling sticks. He says she doesn't know how to be real and he can't have her trying to cheer people up.

With the bar closed later, Winston sings a sad song at the piano. Nick asks Schmidt for some weird rapping and he complies with something about players not playing in the city. Ce Ce shows him how it's done.

Winston is crooning, Schmidt is rapping and Jess interrupts, saying Nick never does anything.

She reminds him he wanted her to be real and reiterates. He tells her he never does anything unless he knows how it's going to turn out. If they go to the ocean, he's the guy on the beach guarding the wallets.

They drive to the beach. Jess offers to hold his wallet. He doesn't have his wallet, he just has a sandwich bag with his license and money in it.

Nick resists, pointing out it's a little cold. Then he reconsiders and runs for it.

Drunk Schmidt asks what's happening and Winston tells him he's about to miss his chance to see his best friend's penis.

Nick runs for the ocean, stripping and shouting he's alive. He falls down taking off his pants and runs in butt naked. He immediately screams that it's freezing and this was a terrible idea. He runs out for his clothes and Jess asks if he's OK.

He's not. He started the day playing touch football, then went to a gynecologist and now he might have cancer. Schmidt offers that Nick could stand to lose five to seven pounds.

Schmidt sits next to CeCe, musing about the perfect imprint her butt is going to leave in the sand. He doesn't know how to cope. She does, she tells him her dad died when she was 12. The only way to get through it is to get through it.

Jess checks on Nick and he tells her he likes her a lot and is glad she's around.

Nick realizes he's not going to remember anything in the morning. They resolve to go home.

Cut to everyone waking up on the beach in the morning. Winston slept in his car. He drives off and his SUV drops a bumper.

Nick checks in at the doctor, where he explains he'll be paying with a mixture of paper money and coins.

As the gang waits in the lobby, Nick comes out and tells them all he's fine. He didn't hear anything after they said "you don't have cancer", it's a cyst or something.

Schmidt Fredo kisses him again. Nick goes to pay, but the receptionist tells him it's taken care of. The gang split it.

Winston urges Nick to get a wallet; Schmidt has tons of wallet chains he can borrow. In the car, Nick asks Jess what happened last night. She tells him nothing.

They get into Winston's car, but it gasps and wheezes and goes nowhere. They get out and walk away. Winston takes the license plate and leaves it.